AIBU to do the bare minimum with the kids

[Redcar87]

I work full time, have 2DC under 3, and manage all the life admin and house stuff. DH veers between entirely useless and trying his best. He works part time for MH reasons.

DS1 is a handful. He is also pretty mean to DS2. Well ignores him and tells him to go away a lot. They fight over me constantly. DS2 wakes through the night.

Anyway my questions is that I basically do the minimum to get through the days and evenings. So right now I'm watching DS1 pour expensive bird food all over the grass rather than stop him and face a tantrum. Or I let DS2 eat chocolate for breakfast because it kept him quiet for 5 mins. Days like today and its just me at home with both DC and I try to think of things to do but the thought of doing an activity with all the fighting and mess and the 2DC arguing...I'm probs just going to stick cartoons on and just wish the hours away until I can go back to bed.

Do people just get through this bit? I do love them and they're so sweet but they are relentless in wanting to break stuff, fight, cry. So for example I made them pancakes and they argued over which one they wanted to eat and all of it ended up in the bin in a tantrum. So j just gave them a cereal bar and ignored them

I'm a terrible mum maybe. Or is using screens and snacks OK? Sometimes I let DC1 get away with so much rather than face the tantrum. I've been ill this week too and I just can't find the energy

DH has a busy day training today (I was away all last weekend and he wrangled two preschoolers with chicken pox, he’s totally within his rights to have a day to himself 😂) so we’re having an easy day. The house is a mess, I put my PJs back on at lunchtime, I’m sitting on the sofa drinking coffee and controlling the carnage at a bare minimum standard. I’m going to put them in the bath in a bit, just to contain them. We do try to get outside most days (we’ve been to Asda today, hurrah!) and do plenty of walks, playing in the garden etc. but I wouldn’t say I do a lot more than the minimum tbh! Messy activities and craft are for nursery IMO!

I do think there is a lot about getting more organised. I said something about 'never finding clean underwear' and think few people were shocked :) I wouldn't say never...but often I am looking for anything clean to wear in the mornings and I seem to never have clean socks or tights without holes. And then I'll have an impulsive online shop to try and buy all the things i need but weeks later, I still feel like a mess. I have a pretty senior job and manage a team of people - so I just about have my shit together enough to not look too much of a state, but there have been emergency jumpers bought when I look down and a button is missing or there is baby sick on my shoulder.

It's not in a funny Bridget Jones way. It's in a 'this is making my life really difficult' way and to be honest, I was like it before kids.

So that isn't helping.

DS1 looks at his tablet after nursery during the week and i think that's ok. He's on education apps and he is so tired after nursery he just wants to sit on the sofa for an hour. It's the weekends that I find scary.

DH just seems to have things to do on the weekend...errands, commitments, he popped into his office for something today and then has now gone to do the weekly shop. I tell him we should do it online but he insists on doing it at the weekend because then he 'can find stuff with longer sell by dates' 😒

He is avoiding family life.

I'd be tempted to be out the door before him next weekend - tell him since he did the shop this weekend, you'll do it next weekend.

🙄

You have a selfish avoidant dead weight on your hands.

God help you.

He needs to do the food shop on his day off, in person if that’s what he prefers.

He needs to do more to facilitate you working 5 days. More laundry, more chores etc.

Look, you may have ADHD and you muddled through until children came along and now you’re drowning. Your DS1 may also not be neurotypical. Your DH is part of this partnership and works 2 days less than you, 1 day all to himself. He CANNOT let you down here. He MUST step up domestically.

I also wholeheartedly second this. You do sound like an amazing mother to me. You just sound understandably overwhelmed.

Going into the office on Fridays is a no brainer. And your DH would be crazy to not understand that under the circumstances.

You're breastfeeding, up half the night & working full time, unlike him.
Choosing to work one of those days at the office rather than home as he is home with the DCs that day is completely reasonable & sensible.
It kills 2 birds with one stone.

1. You (sort of) get some time & space to yourself. (As you said, You could tie it in with some You time)

And 2. He gets a day alone with the DC's (which is always a good reality check, plus creates some more balance for all).

As I said previously. It sounds like you are completely exhausted and depleted and hence feeling at a total loss so you need to start by working on yourself and restoring some balance and energy.

It's all very well to give you lots of other ideas to entertain and manage your DC's but you need the energy to execute them &
Put them in place.

Re. Your disorganisation... and some otherthings you've mentioned made me think of a friend who has ADHD.. have you ever considered this or been assessed?

@NoSquirrels I just saw your post after I posted suggesting ADHD too

Interesting we both raised it. And also your point re DS1, linked.

Just try and survive and pay loads of attention to behaviour you like in a totally OTT delighted voice. For example 'oh my goodness you are playing with your little brother you are such a good big brother' etc. Just distract them where you can when they are doing stuff you want. Small goblins (ie all small children) will feed off any attention, so you are right to avoid telling them off all the time. They just get hooked on winding strict mums up in my opinion. I would gradually increase your expectations though...they'll drive their first teachers potty if they are allowed to do whatever and don't start to learn no is no.

I was super strict on tv. My mate was not. My kids are doing fine. His is completing her phd in genetics...... They all occasionally had chocolate for breakfast.

Wonder if it could help you to really have a routine through the day until a kind of magic time of 5pm when TV goes on, they have their tea, then bit more TV, then bath, pyjamas, stories and bed.

I used to think of the day as two "sessions" before and after lunch in then the above evening routine.

In each of those sessions we would do SOMETHING.

It usually worked well to get outside and using our legs soon after breakfast.

Something like
Get up, breakfast, upstairs to get dressed and do teeth
Get everything ready to go out
10am - 12pm - Out to toddler group - or local park, spend a bit of time there. Go on to cafe or shop, get an icecream or a drink ... bit more time on that
12pm Home for lunch and rest (TV or videos can go on)
2-4pm - Afternoon - go out in the car, run some errands, meet a friend have another little walk, or whatever ... maybe go swimming
5pm - home, TV/videos go on and set them up with trains or whatever.
Make tea, then you're into bedtime routine. If they have been out and about morning and afternoon they're more likely to be calm and ready to sleep/

I read your updates.
Your DH is taking the absolute mickey and doesn't respect your jib which is paying the majority of the bills.
Go into the office on Friday, if H questions it explain you can't get any work done with the interruptions and your manager is complaining about your work rate. I think that day will make an enormous difference to your mental well-being.

PS my kids both watched quite a bit of Cbeebies, they're both doing fine academically now at 13 and 11!

I woudn't worry too much.

OP, one practical suggestion if you can throw a little bit of money at this: look into a laundry service. We pay £25 a week for someone from the laundrette to collect, wash, dry and fold 15kg of washing. It saves me so much mental energy now it’s set up on a subscription.

Agree with other posters, you sound like a great mum doing her best with three demanding dependents. ❤

its perfectly ok to go to work in the office if you are disturbed at home.

also you mentioned that they behave at nursery and then let soon when you are around. thats perfectly normal behaviour. they have a build up from having to behave and from being away from you.

I havent read all of your posts but I think you are doing a lot more than your husband and its taking a toll on you. You also need some time to yourself.

Exactly right. He defers to you, he likes his free time to himself, he doesn’t give a shiny shit that you’re carrying the whole family and falling apart. It suits him to dip in and out, even when he’s supposed to be looking after his own children. No wonder you find him unattractive. I’m sorry, but he’s pathetic.

Is he actually seeking medical help for mental health issues, as in, is he helping himself, or is he self-diagnosed and allowing you to go to pieces to save himself?

On that, have you had another thread about him?

Hi OP, I haven't read the full thread but read all your posts. My suggestion is to divide and conquer a bit more... So you say your dh goes to the supermarket. Great, he can take your youngest with him. Youngest can sit in the trolley which they'll enjoy. You then get some quality time with your eldest. Then after lunch or on Sunday do a swap, snuggle with your youngest if that's what they want to do, while you're dh takes your eldest to the park for an hour.

fuck those people talking about neglect and complete lack of parenting Op, they are sheltered and privileged and do not know the meaning of the word neglect.

You sound great and you’re doing your best. Give yourself credit for that.

Your husband needs to do some domestic stuff. No excuses. I don’t know why you’re still married to this character tbh.

@Redcar87

Ah I couldn’t be doing with that Op it would really annoy. I would stop breastfeeding

Could well be true @billy1966 Problem is he flies off the handle if I pull him up on stuff. So he comes in and disturbs me when I'm working to ask something to do with the kids and I say 'come on DH, you can work it out' - he's like 'oh sorry didn't realise you were so busy to not be able to answer a 10 second question' and then if I say anything else we are probably going to have a full argument all while I'm meant to be working and he's meant to be looking after kids.

He does often say if I get promoted again he would like to give up work entirely and be the SAHP. I think he thinks he's good at it & even talks about 'this is what feminism wanted' e.g. me working my arse off and him looking after kids... but he has never cleaned a loo in his life. Like actually his whole life. Ever. He admitted that to me once. He does his own washing, and cooks dinner because he likes cooking. But until I see him kneeling in front of a toilet or cleaning sick off the sofa he's got no idea. HA HA HA.

Sorry OP but your H is the problem.
I don't know what the long term solution is, but in the short term making him do the parenting he has signed up for at the very least - i.e. Friday- sounds good.

@LuckySantangelo35 - yes, I know you're right. My friends all think I'm some sort of earth mum/super woman for still breastfeeding after 14 months but in all honesty - when he's crying at 3am it's just easier - my boobs are down by my knees though and my 14 month old is walking everywhere and I feel like i've got a child hanging off my boobs. I hate it. But i seem to have a problem with doing the difficult thing in the moment to change things. I hate DS2 crying.

He wants to be a full-time SAHP but he can't cope with his kids, avoids them where possible and won't clean a bathroom properly 😂🙄!

"seem to have a problem with doing the difficult thing in the moment to change things. I hate DS2 crying."

You've had some great advice here, but I just wanted to say - on this one thing, I completely get it. You're stressed to the eyeballs, all day every day, of course you avoid anything that's going to upset you even more. Even though it may be setting up issues for your future self. I get it. Be kind to yourself. You're doing the best you can.

Ps everyone is right, your husband sounds very unhelpful.