To think it should have come out of her pocket money not my son's?

[Kiplingsroad]

My DC had to bring a small amount of money to an event for school yesterday. He brought it on the correct day and tried to give it to the TA and she said, no, you've already paid, you don't need to give me money.

She then came up to me today and asked me for money as he should have paid, she had made an error yesterday.

I asked him where it was and he said he'd lost it (he's 8 and probably put it in his pocket and it fell out in playground, I imagine.)

I said, sorry, he's lost it.

She said you still need to pay, he hasn't paid.

I said, but he had the money, he tried to do the right thing and pay you, and now he's lost it.

She then said, well, come inside and she found another teacher to translate (we're in Germany) and the conversation continued with her saying he shouldn't have lost it, he's going into year three, he needs to be more careful, and it should come out of his pocket money.

I said, look,the point is he tried to do the right thing and was stopped by you. Why should it come out of his pocket money if he then loses it? He shouldn't have had it on him in the first place to lose.

She was furious. She has form for being quite tough on him and has been for two years. He is having friendship issues, has just been diagnosed with dyslexia, and absolutely hates school. So in this case I felt it was unfair of her to blame him for her error, and chase me up.

WIBU?

For context, this is for an event at the school, so all money goes into a pot, and I spent plenty of money anyway - I actually bought a kid whose mum hadn't got there yet a bratwurst, so they did get the money in the end.

@RosesAndHellebores He was meant to pay the money and the expectation is that he should pay the money. The British dance of "oh really" "oh silly me" "it wasn't his fault I'll do it another way" just doesn't roll in a different, less abstract and more rigid structure.

There was no such "silly me" dance. He tried to pay and she didn't take it.

In this case she messed up and tried to make out he was irresponsible. Sometimes the rigidity can go both ways!

I absolutely agree with you OP, I wouldn’t send the money in

One of my dc regularly lost things. As his parent it was my job to teach him strategies not to loose things (incredibly hard and we are still not quite there but we are trying!) but also to suck it up and pay for more kit/fees/books etc.
I think your anger is displaced.

You are being deliberately obtuse. Your son lost the money. Therefore the school wasn't paid. Therefore you need to pay them. Glad you can afford to be so blasé about your child losing money, perhaps teach him at 8 to take some responsibility.

OP I mean this with the best of intentions.

You believe your son is already being singled out.

And you're creating a ridiculous fuss over 3 euro.

For your sons sake would you ever stop.

Stop with the pettiness, and stop making a drama out of literally nothing.

Why are they coming down so hard on a young child for losing something while overlooking a mistake a paid adult has made? Why should the OP be down an additional €3 because a TA made a mistake? Knowing some schools it may not even be DS's fault if another child has pinched it.

If it were me, I would have paid but that is because my DCs teachers are otherwise lovely. But if this teacher has taken an apparent dislike to your DS, I can understand why you are standing your ground OP.

How much longer do you have to stay in Germany OP? Are you there permanently?

I have lived in a range of countries myself - sometimes it all just gets too much and people seem to be very harsh compared to what you are used to.

But the school wasn't really owed any money. It was €3 going into a big pot, not as a payment for something.

OP paid plenty to the school when she attended the event.

Any half-decent person would not have chased this money, having failed to accept in the first place.

But if this teacher has taken an apparent dislike to your DS, I can understand why you are standing your ground OP.

Me too.

Firstly, I think you are quite right and your poor son was right and it sounds that this TA who has been giving him a hard time for two years was impatient and rather harsh on him, etc.

However, having had some experience of this myself, I'd say that you really, really need to pick your battles as making a stand over that doesn't make them cave and make things any easier for your son, which is the heart of the matter, not the payment. It's easy to dive down that route when he is really upset, I know.

You made quite a stand and it sounds like in front of another teacher, and made it all about TA's mistake. She's not sympathetic and went down the "discipline" route, suggesting he's fined his pocket money, he's careless etc. Which I think was wrong, but the upshot is that you are now worried he's seen as a "difficult" boy and I don't think making such a stand was helpful. I think this will only increase any resentment she already has.
I would have just (silently cursing her) paid up and walked on by, as you said you were planning to spend more than that at the school fair anyway. This would have minimised the incident and made less of an impact on all of you and it might have fallen off the list. To be fair to TA, its probably a lot of organisation right at the end of term and she clearly hasn't got the temperament to deal with it sympathetically.

The real battle is that your poor lad, is unhappy at school. He's only Yr 3 and they develop at their own pace in fits and starts not always on the schools steady up hill graph. All will be well. You sound like a very supportive mum and I think you need to approach more softly rather than head on but so that you get some real results.
Firstly, forget the teaching assistant. You won't get any co-op from her so keep yourself and your son out of her way as much as possible. IeIf there are things that your son forgets, see if you can help plug the holes and help him so he doesn't get caught out. eg.. money and other hand-ins in an envelope with teachers/his name on it. All school stuff is packed the night before by the front door (sorry if you already do this, it was one of our things) Try to reduce the number of things the school can pick up on.
Also. Find someone at the school, higher up than the TA, who you can discuss his difficulties with, and ask them to tell you what they can do to help. Put the emphasis on them and their actions for the future, rather than complaining about the TA, talk about how anxious he is and how he really needs positive encouragement and what can they do to help (said in a very tactful way, even if you don't feel like it!! ). You can't undo the two years with the TA but you can help make the next few years better and part of that is having them see you as a reasonable person and not a bringer of difficulties (even though it sounds like the TA has upset him)

I'm sorry your son is going through this. Don't forget he will develop and mature a lot over the summer holidays with the break-in routine and less discouragement from school, but plenty of encouragement from you and maybe some fun afterschool classes that he enjoys. That will give him more confidence and positivity. Keep up his reading/audio books over the summer and he will go back firing on all engines. Best of luck.

Yeah but she didn't say he loses things all the time. He tried to pay and was told he already had. He is 8. He probably put it out of his mind and just got on with being a kid. The TA needs to do her job properly.

I'm confused here. So there was a day to bring the money in. You ds brought it on that day, but surely so would every other child?? If you are saying that she collected everyone else's EXCEPT his then that's a whole different issue.

Yes she made a mistake initially but it wasn't malicious. She didn't set him up to fail

Then your son made a mistake, he lost the money. The reason you can't pay is because your son lost the money. And yes maybe he does need to learn to be a bit more responsible.

It's not their problem your son lost money. Just pay them fgs. This is ridiculous. She was probably furious because she was dealing with someone behaving like an idiot!

I’m a TA in a primary school and we would never chase a child ( or parent) about this sort of thing. Trips, yes but not money for school.

Kids aren't supposed to have money at school for exactly this reason. They're not used to having money, he wasn't expecting to have money all day.

Maybe there really is a cultural difference here. From what I can remember, just about every child in my German primary school would have had a some money and a pre-paid phone card (yes, back then phone boxes were still a thing and now I feel quite old!) on them at that age. How are children supposed to learn if they never get a chance to practice these things? At that age many children would have walked home by themselves or taken a school bus, so I suppose it actually would have been irresponsible to not make sure your child has some money on them for emergencies.

Yeah but the TA, the adult professional, made a mistake and instead of apologising she tried to blame an 8 year old. .

If she had done her job in the first place none of this would have happened.

I completely get your points. I do think you should pay though. But I also think she sounds like a right t**t and I understand why she riled you up so much.

Mally100 Yes that's exactly what happened. For whatever reason she refused to take his money, and only his. A mistake on her part.

cheesecoma we aren't German parents - yes there are kids catching buses to school at 4 years old and going on three-day camps at six years of age with two teachers supervising 25 kids swimming in lake, but that's not how we parent. He will learn, but i try and scaffold him.

duckbilledsplatterpuff that is such a kind post i had to go and weep in the bathroom. I am gong to copy it and put it on my desktop. thank you so much.

I’m sorry but your DC struggling with making friends and having dyslexia doesn’t mean the teachers should not ask you to pay for an event that everyone in the whole class/school has to pay for!

I agree!

You sound like you have some issues with this school/Germany and you’re trying to find fault.

She was right not to take his money if he has already paid - I’d be annoyed if I had paid twice.
Your son lost your money - not her. So it’s his fault that you’re now paying double.

Obviously don’t punish him for it but blaming the teacher or TA is ridiculous.

YANBU - completely agree with you . You sent the money in . They didn’t take it . Now the money is lost . I am a teacher . If that happened in my class I would say no problem don’t worry he’s got the band . It was the schools mistake

Oh honey, stop making excuses and blaming the TA’s mistake for your son losing his money.

The two issues are entirely separate. It’s not her fault he lost the money, it’s his. You still owe the money and need to pay it.

If you are always making excuses and blaming other people for his poor behaviour no wonder he is labelled as the difficult child.

Yanbu. This is the TAs fault. Her mistake. Adult maybe at a a stretch, but not a child.

I'm a teacher. She's being very mean! We gave a pupil a reward for credit points of a water bottle and he got it twice - we didn't ask for it back.

Hope things improve generally for you.

If that's what happened then they need to give you a bloody good reason as to why he was singled out. I get your upset now. It sounds like she is bullying him by singling him out.