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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it should have come out of her pocket money not my son's?

333 replies

Kiplingsroad · 17/06/2022 17:16

My DC had to bring a small amount of money to an event for school yesterday. He brought it on the correct day and tried to give it to the TA and she said, no, you've already paid, you don't need to give me money.

She then came up to me today and asked me for money as he should have paid, she had made an error yesterday.

I asked him where it was and he said he'd lost it (he's 8 and probably put it in his pocket and it fell out in playground, I imagine.)

I said, sorry, he's lost it.

She said you still need to pay, he hasn't paid.

I said, but he had the money, he tried to do the right thing and pay you, and now he's lost it.

She then said, well, come inside and she found another teacher to translate (we're in Germany) and the conversation continued with her saying he shouldn't have lost it, he's going into year three, he needs to be more careful, and it should come out of his pocket money.

I said, look,the point is he tried to do the right thing and was stopped by you. Why should it come out of his pocket money if he then loses it? He shouldn't have had it on him in the first place to lose.

She was furious. She has form for being quite tough on him and has been for two years. He is having friendship issues, has just been diagnosed with dyslexia, and absolutely hates school. So in this case I felt it was unfair of her to blame him for her error, and chase me up.

WIBU?

For context, this is for an event at the school, so all money goes into a pot, and I spent plenty of money anyway - I actually bought a kid whose mum hadn't got there yet a bratwurst, so they did get the money in the end.

OP posts:
FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 17/06/2022 19:19

He’s aged 6/7? It’s something like a PTA event? Yes I think she’s being petty and am amazed by the harshness of responses your getting. I wouldn’t bother with an argument but I sense this is more about concern for an unhappy child? Are there any other options available to you?

steff13 · 17/06/2022 19:24

In this case she messed up and tried to make out he was irresponsible. Sometimes the rigidity can go both ways!

She made a mistake and he was irresponsible. Both of those things can be true. Ultimately, it's not her fault he lost the money.

Debinaround · 17/06/2022 19:25

waveyourpompoms · 17/06/2022 19:16

Oh honey, stop making excuses and blaming the TA’s mistake for your son losing his money.

The two issues are entirely separate. It’s not her fault he lost the money, it’s his. You still owe the money and need to pay it.

If you are always making excuses and blaming other people for his poor behaviour no wonder he is labelled as the difficult child.

Oh honey, if the TA didn't make a mistake doing her professional job and tried to blame an 8 year old then none of this would have happened.

Stop making excuses for a grown, professional adult maybe Hmm

CheeseComa · 17/06/2022 19:25

we aren't German parents - yes there are kids catching buses to school at 4 years old and going on three-day camps at six years of age with two teachers supervising 25 kids swimming in lake, but that's not how we parent. He will learn, but i try and scaffold him.

I completely understand, Kiplingsroad! Everyone's parenting style is heavily influenced by what we grew up with and what is considered 'normal' in our culture. Personally, I can see good and bad aspects of both the more independent German and the more sheltered British approach. I just think the teacher's reaction and suggestion re. the pocket money can be explained by the fact that German kids at that age would probably be expected to not lose money just because the teacher hasn't taken it off them at the expected time (and I say this as someone with an ADHD diagnosis who kept losing pecil cases and forgetting PE kit as a child, so I do sympathise!)

mam0918 · 17/06/2022 19:25

My view is SHE was in charge of both the child and the money... if the child lost the money on her watch it's HER responsability.

Debinaround · 17/06/2022 19:27

mam0918 · 17/06/2022 19:25

My view is SHE was in charge of both the child and the money... if the child lost the money on her watch it's HER responsability.

👏👏👏

Bournetilly · 17/06/2022 19:29

It’s annoying and I think she should of just left it especially since she wouldn’t have to pay it herself.
But for the sake of 3 euros I’d just pay it.

CheeseComa · 17/06/2022 19:30

mam0918 · 17/06/2022 19:25

My view is SHE was in charge of both the child and the money... if the child lost the money on her watch it's HER responsability.

No, it really isn't and if this is what you teach your child(ren), you're really not doing them any favours in the long run.

Kiplingsroad · 17/06/2022 19:30

CheeseComa Absolutely you are right. she looks at me and sees an incompetent Mutter, but on this rare occasion when he was genuinely trying to get it right I felt like she could have given, just a little. There's a lot I admire about German child raising but some things I really don't!

OP posts:
Léighméleabhair · 17/06/2022 19:35

The TA sounds a bit barmy.

I certainly wouldn’t roll over and agree to pay them without her at least acknowledging that her mistake caused the till to be short of money. Although, from the OP’s post, it’s a donation/charity event so they’ve not actually lost any money. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's 8yrs old with dyslexia, not a teenager. I can’t believe posters think he should be liable for the missing cash. 😂

GoodJanetBadJanet · 17/06/2022 19:35

Bloody hell just pay it
Yes, because it's that easy to just pull another 8 quid out of your arse after you've just already forked out for it some days! 🙄
Some people's privilege is showing on here.
I'd feel seriously pissed off, he tried to pay her and she wouldn't take the money saying he'd already paid.
Has she got or had any 8 year olds of her own over the years?!
As you'd think she'd know what they can be like, your kid did well looking after cash that long to hand to her, mine would have probably have dropped it halfway down the street on the way to school lol.
I'd know I'd have to pay it again as it hasn't been paid for, but I'd resent it and think her an incompetent slack arse and go home and find a doll and some pins 😂. (ok last bit is a JOKE before anyone takes me seriously 😁 )

OhMammaMia · 17/06/2022 19:36

I wouldn’t pay again. You sent in the money, they didn’t take it 🤷‍♀️
Yeah, both the kid and the teacher made a mistake.
If the teacher was even a little bit decent at her job, after two years she’d know if the kid can or can’t be trusted to look after the money and would have taken it for safekeeping

RenegadeMatron · 17/06/2022 19:37

I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t go out of their way to forge a positive, collegial, open, grateful relationship with the person (or people) who spends hours a day looking after your most precious ‘possession’.

It’s anathema to me.

When our DC were younger, we had au pairs. Our ethos was to prioritise their happiness, make sure they were well looked after, and that they understood in no uncertain terms how grateful we were for all they did for us. We didn’t just say it, we showed it. It really, really was worth it.

In this situation, it wouldn’t occur to me not to pay. If the money hasn’t been lost, surely you would have just handed it over?

You say he is singled out, and treated differently.

I cannot see, or understand, how going into battle with the teacher (or TA is it?), is going to smooth the waters and ensure better treatment for him.

The bottom line, over-riding principle here is not the money. And it’s not who made the mistake.

It is your child.

Is your current manner of handling this situation going to ensure the best outcomes for your child? Or is it going to make things worse for your (already struggling) child?

Flowers
Dutchesss · 17/06/2022 19:39

I think YANBU. Your son was left to look after money for the day with no safe place to put it. If my children need to look after money then they get a purse or wallet. The child was expecting to hand the money in first thing, not look after it for a school day.

ScoobyDoo80 · 17/06/2022 19:41

I don’t think her approach is very inclusive at all and maybe like others have suggested you might have understandable resentments about your son’s treatment based on his SEND. They are in the wrong in every way if that is the case!

I would just add though that there is a growing trend to raise children and young people to be entitled and shirk responsibility. I’m not saying that is at all true of you and your son.

He most-likely struggles with short-term memory/executive function and needs helping and not berating! He probably need to be supported to become more independent and have strategies for keeping track of his belongings etc. Would be worth sharing those with school as actually they should be meeting his needs with your support rather than acting like he has done something wrong. Think the money is just a smokescreen for what is happening to you.

MikeSingsTheBlues · 17/06/2022 19:43

Kiplingsroad · 17/06/2022 18:14

OK I'll send it in on Monday but explain what happened and why it was frustrating that he lost it, given that he tried to do the right thing.

This could easily come across as you carrying on the argument.

Send in the money and let it go. You aren't going to change her mind by worrying away further at this.

Mommabear20 · 17/06/2022 19:46

YABU. The simple fact is, you haven't paid, but have attended the event. Yes the teacher made a mistake, but she tried to rectify it with you. Your son also made a mistake by losing the money, he now needs to rectify his mistake and pay. Refusing to pay, just proves to the school that you are in fact a 'difficult family' and shows your son that actions have no consequences. It is not the teachers responsibility to keep track of your child's possessions.

CheeseComa · 17/06/2022 19:47

Kiplingsroad · 17/06/2022 19:30

CheeseComa Absolutely you are right. she looks at me and sees an incompetent Mutter, but on this rare occasion when he was genuinely trying to get it right I felt like she could have given, just a little. There's a lot I admire about German child raising but some things I really don't!

I hope your son ends up with a nicer teacher next year! Even though I think this was your son's fault more than her's, she didn't handle it well. As others have said, this cleary was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Try to put it out of your mind, just send in the money to keep the peace and don't let it spoil your weekend.

stuntbubbles · 17/06/2022 19:47

mam0918 · 17/06/2022 19:25

My view is SHE was in charge of both the child and the money... if the child lost the money on her watch it's HER responsability.

Agree entirely with this. She’s the responsible adult here. He’s a child.

TheHumanSatsuma · 17/06/2022 19:48

You owe the money, pay it

RenegadeMatron · 17/06/2022 19:50

stuntbubbles · 17/06/2022 19:47

Agree entirely with this. She’s the responsible adult here. He’s a child.

You’re doing your child zero favours with this approach.

And we wonder why teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

Seriously - who would do it?!

Emptyandsad · 17/06/2022 19:50

a. It's not your son's fault because he's a young child and not yet become responsible

b. The TA made a mistake which she acknowledged and apologised for. She should waive the charge for him. But she's German and, as people have pointed out, they're a bit more rigid in their approach than we tend to be

c. It's only €3, to raise funds for the school and, as you have said, you're going to spend much more than that anyway. Why are you stressing about this? It's so trivial! And your attitude damages his (already fragile) relationship with this TA who is influential in his life at the moment. For God's sake, swallow your pride and work on making his life easier at school

Kiplingsroad · 17/06/2022 19:56

Emptyandsad She didn't apologise at all - she blamed my son and said it should be taken out of his pocket money and he should be more responsible, knowing he has problems with organisation due to a learning disability.

I have been nothing but polite to her for two years, I am absolutely not that nightmare parent, but I am starting to think that I actually need to stand up for him a bit more as it appears she has no idea of how to accomodate him.

I am trying very hard to make sure he doesn't grow up entitled but he really, genuinely struggles with things like holding onto money, which is what has happened here as she refused to take it. His things disappear constantly at school and I don't know if he gives them away or they are stolen or he loses them. He has had money taken off him in the past, and I think by being too nice I have let him become a bit of a class scapegoat - I am going to be much more protective/proactive next year with his new teacher.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/06/2022 20:00

I hear you OP. It sounds like a straw that broke the camels back. It's hard to constantly have to advocate for our kids with AN.

I personally would take this from him. Take the money in ,hand it to her personally and tell her any future funds are to come direct from you from now on. The bairns been made to feel bad for something he tried to do.

I've met my fair share of bullying school staff.

BadNomad · 17/06/2022 20:00

Children lose things, that's to be expected, but it wasn't the TA who lost the money. The debt still needs to be paid because it was never paid.