To think it should have come out of her pocket money not my son's?

[Kiplingsroad]

My DC had to bring a small amount of money to an event for school yesterday. He brought it on the correct day and tried to give it to the TA and she said, no, you've already paid, you don't need to give me money.

She then came up to me today and asked me for money as he should have paid, she had made an error yesterday.

I asked him where it was and he said he'd lost it (he's 8 and probably put it in his pocket and it fell out in playground, I imagine.)

I said, sorry, he's lost it.

She said you still need to pay, he hasn't paid.

I said, but he had the money, he tried to do the right thing and pay you, and now he's lost it.

She then said, well, come inside and she found another teacher to translate (we're in Germany) and the conversation continued with her saying he shouldn't have lost it, he's going into year three, he needs to be more careful, and it should come out of his pocket money.

I said, look,the point is he tried to do the right thing and was stopped by you. Why should it come out of his pocket money if he then loses it? He shouldn't have had it on him in the first place to lose.

She was furious. She has form for being quite tough on him and has been for two years. He is having friendship issues, has just been diagnosed with dyslexia, and absolutely hates school. So in this case I felt it was unfair of her to blame him for her error, and chase me up.

WIBU?

For context, this is for an event at the school, so all money goes into a pot, and I spent plenty of money anyway - I actually bought a kid whose mum hadn't got there yet a bratwurst, so they did get the money in the end.

As my username suggests, my claws come out when my kids (older now) are threatened. The lad is only 8, ffs, why do schools treat them like mini adults? I hate that TA.
Sorry not sorry.

🤮🤮🤮

I'm a TA. I have zero idea who pays what. I don't actually care. 8 year olds are rubbish at looking after their own stuff (I'm year 4 so I'm pretty aware!) So far this week a sellotaped pen case and a rubber stuck with drawing pins has gone missing. Fingers crossed for Monday! I don't consider these kids irresponsible 😂

Any decent teacher or TA faced with an 8yr old waving cash at them would have said...
"No, you don't owe the money, you've already paid it, but so that you don't lose it in the playground, would you like me to look after it for you until hometime, so that you can give it back to your mum?".

In light of the TA not doing this, I believe the school should waive it and just let him have his armband.

So for the sake of a small amount of money would it not be better to pay and stop him being labelled difficult when, in reality, it’s you that’s being difficult on his behalf.

Honestly it’s a bit annoying but why on earth didn’t you just cough up to give your son an easy life? You have to know that clashing with TA would likely make things more difficult for your son, who hardly needs the added aggro.

Its also nonsense to say you’d have been « paying twice » if you’d replaced the lost money.
You’re going to be quite busy, with your son’s personal challenges, easing his way through life and school. Concentrate on that and ride over these small annoyances.

YABU
The TA made a mistake…your son lost the money…the two are not connected, just pay the money and put it down to experience, it’s not your son who will be labelled ‘difficult’ it’s you and your son will suffer

You still owe the money. I can see your point about having to pay for things that have been donated but that £2.50 will go back in to the school to improve resources for the children. Your child being SEN has nothing to do with this but I can see that you feel hard done by by this teacher. These things build up and this looks like the last straw. It’s not the fact that it’s £2.50, it’s the treatment and response from the teacher - something that’s been an issue for the last two years. It’s a shame many TAs are amazing with SEN children. If you refused to pay it, what would happen?

@Skynorth
You should have taken the money to the school yourself! You absolutely cannot expect a child of 8 to be responsible for money. You shouldn’t take it out of his pocket money either! YOU are the adult so YOU should not have sent the money via an 8-year-old boy!
Also…. You live in Germany so learn the language! How can you properly communicate with people who are responsible for your child during the day if you don’t even speak German?
Your son is a C H I L D. Let him live a child’s life without punishment for your own faults.

@readr YABVU
No, he didn't lose it because the TA did not take it. He lost it because he was careless.

I need to get up on my soapbox for a moment. Since my kids were newborns, I have come onto MN and complete strangers i will likely never meet have given me such empathy, advice and just plain compassion.

I did that again on Friday in a slightly garbled, furious way and MN did not let me down.

On this thread I have had messages from TA's, teachers, parents and aunties whose kids with dyslexia and other learning disabilities have now grown up (including a long, incredibly astute and helpful private message), mama bears, "difficult parents", those who have been through the German school system or know people who have, and they have all made me feel so much better.

And then there are others who come on to this site and just hurl insults and judgement and capital letter SHOUTING.... It's annoying, IT'S BORING, it's like having to wave off a mosquito while having a really interesting conversation with someone who is going out of their way to help.

Thankfully I have a pretty thick skin due to my career but I know of people more vulnerable who have killed themselves due to this kind of online nastiness. Why do it? What do you get out of it? MN is an amazing resource for women and there is so much help to be found here, but bloody hell, be kind. Feel free to go off at me if it brightens your day but know that you might get someone on a bad day and do some real harm.

And PS I am going to pay the money tomorrow, to make the point that it was not about the money, it was about her attitude towards a struggling 8 year old.

@Kiplingsroad
I didn’t miss the point, but the reason he lost it is irrelevant. YOU missed my point, that point being he shouldn’t have been expected to look after the money himself at age 8.
As for “nastiness”, my reply wasn’t nasty, it was an answer and the OP did ask, it is a AIBU post so they should expect that not everyone is going to agree with them.
Stating a point of view that doesn’t agree with your own isn’t being nasty.

@Skynorth YOU aren't READING properly. He WAS responsible for the money for all of TEN minutes between school gate and handing it over, right up until the POINT the utter COW of a TA didn't take it off him. He then LOST it.

I AM learning German, but it takes TIME!

Kiplingsroad I totally agree.. the absolute fury of some posters shocks me. Do they not have a life? To dress someone down who has posted because they are upset just piles more misery on, for Heaven's sake.. and all about a little 8 year old who had an awful day thanks to an unfeeling adult.
Tbh it wouldn't surprise me if some cunning little git took the money off him & he daren't say, adding to his woe, bless him.
I wish you & your family a lovely peaceful Sunday. xx

I’m both German and British.
The TA is right here, your son needs to be much more careful with money.
British people rather baby their school aged children and expect too little of their offspring in such regards. By this age children in Germany pretty much all walk to school without parents and frequently have little neck purses for cash and so on. They are also left unattended at home earlier than in Britain and expected to be sensible. And they generally are.
If this had been one of my kids I’d have told them off and docked they pocket money.

PS That having been said it would be worth having a quiet word with the TA and reminding her that your son has a lot going on cognitively at the moment and pretend to ask for some advice. That flatters German educators who frequently overrate their own scientific expertise. If you then make it look like you are trying to act on it whilst sucking up periodically she might stop treating your son quite so robotically all the time.

@mamabear715 thank you, you too. "Cunning little git" is brilliant, I might have to borrow that one - and yes very likely, knowing some of his classmates.

@BoffinMum thank you, that second bit of advice about how to approach her makes perfect sense.

I'm not sure you can lecture posters about their attitude when it cuts both ways

It’s turned into a stand off between you and the school! Is that what you really want? With your DC caught in the middle ? DC’s anxiety to be raised? This was after all an error on the part of the staff and an accident on the part of DC. Pay the darn money and move on. I feel for DC who isn’t able to sort this out yet is in the middle of this daft argument powerless to change anything. Just pay it. Move on.

Yes the teacher made an error, but your child is 7 or 8 at what age does he become responsible? .... 16, 18, 21 or maybe 50.

And if he had lost the money before trying to hand it in to his teacher, what then, is it still the schools problem?

Do the right thing and pay up.

He didn't lose it because the TA made a mistake. That wasn't an inevitable consequence of her mistake. He lost it because he made a mistake. Kids do - it's no biggie. Don't make him feel bad by making it about his pocket money when actually it's about your principles. It's not a hill worth dying on. Do your son a favour and don't mark him out as the kid with the difficult mother.

I think the situation should have been handled differently by the TA, she sounds rude and abrupt. Personally I’d take the moral high ground and pay again but don’t put into the end of year collection for her.

@pixie5121 is bang on.

I’m on your side OP. This is exactly what would have happened if my son, when that age, was in the same situation. However, I probably would have just paid up to keep the peace for him. I would have been really annoyed though.

Although you have come on AIBU with a question, which would suggest that you were in some doubt about what course of action would be appropriate, you have shown no uncertainty at all at how apt your response was and is. You have agreed with the people who have validated you and argued with the ones who have suggested that you are not handling this situation well. Your mind is made up and you're not listening to any other points of view

Given that you seem unwilling to countenance altering your position, this whole thread seems like a waste of time for everybody