To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

@Doona "But... even if she lost weight there's no guarantee the dress would fit or look good on her! Unless it's really stretchy."

If its stretchy she could just wrap her up like cling filming a piece of dough!

YANBU Some of the batshit bitter responses to you are clearly from people who are overweight and who didn't even bother reading past the title. You friend has basically scammed you into paying around 200, for nothing. And she doesn't even have the decency to speak to you, she's a cheeky chancer who is costing you extra money that she should pay for and not leave you out of pocket.

PS I say this as a size 20-22.

@AnnieSnap you are the ridiculous one.

@WhenAllIsLost What did the friend have to gain from the scam?

You seem to think the bridesmaid should be treated like a child….she is a grown woman who wanted that dress…she undertook to lose the weight…no one pressured her…why is it up to the bride to second guess she won’t be able to lose weight? If you make an undertaking…then be true to your word.

I disagree.. I think OP pressured her to say she would lose weight when she pulled her aside to "discreetly" tell her that the dress wasn't available in her size! OP shouldve said nothing and made the decision then to pick another dress! Anyway she didn't so as others have suggested time to just have the convo with her!

Do explain🤷‍♀️

If you'd refused to buy the dresses and told her you didn't believe she'd lose weight then you'd still be labelled a cow

Even if OP had left the dress without expressing doubt about the diet, she'd still be in the wrong on Mumsnet - you can just hear the cries of "It would have been obvious why you didn't buy it and you humiliated her!!"

Food addiction is like any other addiction, would you expect an alcoholic or drug addict to get clean before your wedding? I'd probably hope so, I certainly wouldn't put money on it.

No you are not being unreasonable just a selfish arsehole

Ha ha ha. I’ve loved reading your responses Op! I think there should be a name and shame area for anyone making stuff up, that doesn’t read the Ops comments, or at very least, the opening post properly.

Good you’ll get a bit back. I bet you can find a similar dress from a non bridal shop for a lot less. Go to Style and Beauty and post a photo - someone will find a 24/26 in a similar style. I got my wedding from America as it was half the price of buying it here even with import tax and postage.

Just focus on the marriage. The wedding, beautiful as it may be and especially the size of your maid of honour plays no part in whether you end up together forever or divorced in a year.

I don't think OP is being unreasonable; her maid of honour insisted she should buy the size 16 dress - even though OP said she didn't have to. If I were OP's friend, I'd feel bad for OP, and choose and buy my own dress that went with the style of the other bridesmaids' dresses.

How about some license with the truth?

'I've been thinking and looking through lots of bridal instas/magazines, and I've decided that what I want is for my two bridesmaids to match, but for my Maid of Honour to have a complimentary/contrasting dress so it's clear to everybody that you've got this role and it's a bit out of fashion for everybody to look exactly the same. I know it's a bit of pain and I'm being a right Bridezilla in changing my mind, but could we go and pick something together that'll be just perfect?

You can then have a nice day picking something that actually fits her (and could be taken in if she lost some weight) and can resell the original dress afterwards.

Even if she does lose a lot of weight over the next nine months, there's still a chance that it won't fit due to having loose skin/an overhang.

Being a bit Machiavellian/diplomatic/lying about having changed your mind means you get what you want - a happy MOH - your friend doesn't either have to admit failure at the last minute or realising a load of hard work hasn't succeeded and tbh, if you're already paying out for a wedding that involves bridesmaids, a MOH, suits, dresses, shoes, decorations, food, drinks, rings, flowers, hair, nails, makeup, gifts, a venue, favours, invitations, a honeymoon and everything else, another couple of hundred pounds on something that will save her feelings isn't as much of a disaster as her pulling out at the very last minute in tears because she hasn't got anything to wear.

Abit of empathy here goes along way here I think - I still think from my previous post to OP to really focus on the marriage not the dress or size of someone she has really no control over. But still we love to have the perfect day so perhaps OP should just have an honest conversation with her MOH and say if the dress doesn't fit (miracles CAN happen in 9 months!!) then she should sort her own dress out. It won't be fair on OP to pay for another dress...maybe a slight alteration but it sounds like if she won't even be able to fit a size 16 (which let's be honest her is quite a large size), no seamstress on earth can add on to alter it to fit. I wish you the best OP on your upcoming nuptials. Just have the convo with your MOH - obviously you care about her to be asking her to be your MOH.

CAN WE Please stop saying that all the people who are saying yabu are bitter and obviously overweight. That is a hideously awful sweeping statement that indicates that on any thread related to weight all the fat people go up in arms and take offence.
As I’ve already said, I’m overweight but didn’t think the op was unreasonable at all so maybe just maybe some people who don’t agree with me maybe slim 🤷‍♀️ Or some may be fat but stop with this offensive assumption.

@Pookymalooky

I completely agree with you. I’m very overweight these days, and I don’t think the OP has been at all unreasonable. She’s actually been a very good friend and is bending over backwards to make sure that she can have the right dress for her as the MOH.

Her frustration is completely understandable as well.

I've never been over a size 8.

I don't need to be obese to understand the frustration and emotional disorder that is often associated with obesity.

It was an unfair and unrealistic expectation even with the best intentions from your friend.

I obviously don't know for certain though I'd assume she is very aware of the situation feelings overwhelmed, just buy her a cheaper similar dress that fits.

We never know what the future holds, some day you might feel obliged to commit to an impossible situation, one your dear friend could easily solve by giving her a get out of jail free card by simply saying "Dont stress about the dress, buy something similar in your size".

Anyone else think this isn't real and will be in the Daily Fail next week? 🤣 I can't believe anyone would really end up in this situation...because in the first place, you'd have to be a bit of a numpty to take a size 22 plus woman into a shop that doesn't sell plus sizes... And secondly because the tabloids would love a divisive is it/isn't it fat shaming story.

Purplefoxes I think it is real, self indulgent bride to be chooses dress 8 sizes to small 2 years before the wedding expecting friend to change her whole lifestyle for the big day.
I fecking hate weddings and I'd never be a MOH again for anyone.

I am a pattern cutter/product development for leather garments. Completely different specialty to what you need but someone specialising in evening wear/wedding dresses can use the material of the dress to make a completely new one. She/he would most likely have to add a different fabric to have enough. The result would be a dress that is similar to the other dresses but fits and is appropriate for a larger size. I’m sure it would be nice and it’s not going to stand out as a different dress.
it is very common to have a different cut for a larger size as a dress that looks great in a size 10 doesn’t necessarily in a size 20.

You need to give her her bridesmaid dress ASAP and tell her to try it on/book herself an appointment to get it altered.
That should give her a boot up the backside.
When she says she wont fit it, tell her it's too late to return it, so she's going to have to order herself a new dress exact same colour but maybe different style.

AHH but in a minute @EmeraldShamrock1 you'll have 10 people pile on and inform you that the OP's bridesmaid promised to loose the weight herself so it is naturally her fault not OP because there was no pressure from the bride and the other non plus size bridesmaids all in the same non plus size shop loving that dress. So you just should have read the thread. Or they will tell you that you must be overweight and therefore bitter...hardy ha ha.

*lose not loose

@Purplefoxes and they would be right. The MOH made the promise.. as I've said before being fat does not render her unable to make decisions