To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

But... even if she lost weight there's no guarantee the dress would fit or look good on her! Unless it's really stretchy.

SO unreasonable. To the point of madness.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but I would just take the dress to a good dressmaker and get it altered so it fitted properly. You would be amazed what can be done. For example if the fabric is hard to come by, and the original shop can’t get hold of an extra half a metre for you, you could even ‘borrow’ strips of fabric from one or more of the hems (replace with a contrasting fabric if you want to keep the length), then use the fabric generated to insert strips either side of the bodice to take it all up a dress size or two.

🙄 no I didn't bother to read any of the posts from the OP, obviously I'm that stupid. I can't be arsed to reply to these messages now. There are plenty of other replies on here in a similar vein to my own. The onus is on the purchaser of the gowns, the one who spent £190 per dress.

OP, please stop explaining yourself to all the sanctimonious people on this thread, most of them are not like that in real life, they are just pretending. There is nothing wrong in you being unhappy at the situation and you have said several times that you are not angry at her. For those saying you were unreasonable to purchase the dresses too early, that is their opinion. There is no right or wrong way of planning a wedding, you do whatever feels comfortable to you. If I was a size 24, I wouldn’t mind my best friend telling me in a nice way to lose weight, to be a size 24 is very unhealthy. My cousin died recently from obesity. He kept getting bigger over the years but no one said anything about it because they didn’t want to be accused of “fat shaming” him

It is absolutely staggering the number of posters who seem to think that being overweight absolves someone of any responsibilty or in this case, consideration for someone else to the point they are willing to let them waste £200.

To be critical of obesity, in any way, is "fat shaming" according to much of MN.

I think they're all projecting, to be honest...

I am a big girl, and I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's hard to lose weight, so not blaming your maid of honor, however weddings are expensive enough and you did buy on her say so, so I feel its upto her to redeem herself if she can no longer fit in the original, other suggestions on here, alter, new dress etc, are all good ones, but I feel it's only fair that she takes on any additional costs. She will feel bad enough (trust me) talk to her, compromise if needed, take the stress off both of you. She is your maid of honor for a reason, 😍don't let this spoilt it. Deal with this issue, then let it go, I am sure you have other, stressing things to arranging for the wedding. Enjoy your day.with your maid of honors support.

To be critical of obesity, in any way, is "fat shaming" according to much of MN
I think they're all projecting, to be honest ...

You don't even have to be critical about obesity; even to mention it is deemed fat shaming, unless insisting it's a totally natural and desirable state

And the bit about projecting is perhaps underlined by so many clearly not having read OP's posts. Obviously there'll be different views on what she's said, but to just hammer out the usual insults without any context seems a bit silly

My take?
Ask her what she’s going to wear for the Wedding if the chosen Dress doesn’t fit.
Ask her if she still wants to be Bridesmaid/ MoH - maybe she doesn’t?

1. Can you return it ? (I’m sure that’s a “No”)
2. Perhaps worth selling it?
3. She should offer to pay for this unnecessary expense.
4. She should definitely pay for her own Dress for your Wedding.

Both of you took a gamble. You both got it wrong.

Think of the money as a stupidity tax, make peace with it and go find something else. Ideally she'll buy the new one.

Concentrate on having a fab day

I think you're a lovely friend, and as someone who is a size 24 whos tried (And failed) to get down to size 18 over the last couple of years, i'm sure i understand how hard your MOH is finding this (i did lose a stone though, whoop)

What i'm going to do is suggest that the best way to approach your MoH is to be honest and open with her, i'm sure she knows you love her, and she is probably feeling awful/guilty right now, and tbh, its probably causing comfort eating and compounding the problem with her eating/weight gain. (at least it would with me)

I would say to your MoH that you love her, and you are aware of the dress not fitting her, and say you want to take that pressure of her because you want her to enjoy the wedding with you, not be stressed or upset, or worried, that you adore her for offering to lose the weight, but you don't want the stress weighing on her mind. Offer to take her to pick another dress that she as MoH can look AMAZING in, and if she does drop any weight, it can always be taken in.

I don't think yabu op.

It's not your fault that your friend is overweight. People are saying that it must have been awkward for her shopping with slimmer people, well yes, but what were you supposed to do?

If you'd refused to buy the dresses and told her you didn't believe she'd lose weight then you'd still be labelled a cow.

All that you can do now is arrange for her to have a new, different dress. It's annoying but not worth ruining the friendship over.

She was irresponsible to make the offer and not follow through. You were naive to believe it would happen. This is easily fixed, given she’s your BFF and MOH, get her a dress in the same colour, but a bigger size, but she needs to pay for it or reimburse you for the other one and sell it herself to recoup her loss thereafter.

@NohoHank you sound so bitter, are you overweight?

Haha! Grow up.

Just a thought if the dress has been bought already, could you not give the dress to a dress maker and buy some extra material in a contrasting or complimentary colour and get the dress maker to make a new dress eg using the skirt to make a top and have the skirt part the extra material? That way she is still wearing the dress if you see what i mean but will infinitely be more comfortable.

In terms of how you phrase it i think you just need to be honest - the dresses have come in, can you try it on please as i need to book a dressmaker for alterations as soon as possible as dressmakers for weddings are like hens teeth just now.

If you'd refused to buy the dresses and told her you didn't believe she'd lose weight then you'd still be labelled a cow.

This is a very good point!

It is always a mistake to buy clothing to be slimmed into.

I don't think anyones weight needed to be mentioned to be able to choose a different dress. 'I want to choose a different dress' is all the needed to be said. No one needs to be insulted about their weight and no one needs to be labelled a cow for choosing a different dress.

I think you need to sort out in your head how much of it is being annoyed that the wedding party won’t be in identical dresses, and how much is the money. Usually when all the bridesmaids are in the same dress there is one that the dress is really unflattering on. It might actually look better in the photos if your MoH is in a different dress, and also her weight then stops being your business. I also think you can’t get irritated if one of your bridesmaids gets pregnant, life just happens. I think you know you are being a bit bridezilla, just find a way to ask your MoH to pay for a new dress that you both agree on, but please then stop thinking about her weight, I think you know it’s not really any of your business if there wasn’t £190 involved (and actually it’s less now because the shop will pay back a bit).

Agree with this, no matter what you were always gunna come off the bad guy
You either held her to her word and be that friend who has to asks about her losing the weight later on or insist a different dress which says you didnt believe she could or would lose the weight

I dont envy your position here, hope you can sort something that works for everyone

It might actually look better in the photos if your MoH is in a different dress,

I think that’s true. She’ll stand out more as the large bridesmaid in an identical dress rather than MOH in her own dress. You both got carried away in the shop, so neither of you are more to blame. You’ll need to broach it with, choose something that will suit her nearer the time and sell the original dress.

If you are not, or ever have been a size 24, you don’t know whether you would mind or not! Ridiculous thing to say 🤷‍♀️

You have a few options here...

1. Tell her now that she needs to sort it out (if you haven't already, she will say you should have told her.)

2. Make her pay for the extra material if you need the dress remodelled (though we are in a cost of living crisis and that amount of material may cost a small fortune...haha kidding obv!)

3. Substitute her with another thinner person (consequences may be needed!)

Its what happens when you have friends that can't control what they stuff in their faces (I say this as a middling-heavy person).