To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Yes @thenightsky...the MOH did say she would lose weight, but what else could she say...she was standing in front of a group of girls that "All absolutely adored" the dresses and she was the odd duck out - barring one detail, she was chosen by the bride to be the MOH.

As a point of fact, the search for bridesmaid dresses could have continued since they had more than sufficient time (I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping.)

Instead, they asked someone to commit to something on the spot...they chose one that ostracized the MOH if she did not agree to an added pressure she might not have otherwise chosen. She had to commit to being a specific size two years down the road?

Oh for god's sake.

I did not ask her to commit to anything on the spot, or in front of anyone else. If you want to have a go at me then thats up to you, but at least try and do it without having to make stuff up.

@scj96 I Don not think you are being unreasonable. You didn't ask her to lose weight she volunteered that and allowed you to buy the dress that was too small. I would ask her what was going on and if she was ok.
Explain to her it's ok if she doesn't lose the weight. But that she will have to buy the alternative dress that you find.

I think that's fair.
X

Bill her for the dress that she promised she would fit into and then tell her straight that she can opt out of being a bridesmaid or accept that you will be buying her a XXL dress in the same shape or similar to the other bridesmaids dresses but it will be a different style because of her size.

Good for you, not an easy thing to approach but think u will both feel better for it. It sounds like you really care for her so I hope you can both work something out. Reading what someone else said I think if it’s a different dress she may feel worse. I already feel embarrassed about my size so knowing everyone would be sitting thinking she needed a different dress because she’s so big would make me anxious.

For all the perfect people out there being unkind just stop. Gotta love keyboard warriors with their perfect lives. In my case I take responsibility for my weight gain. Some of it is due to PCOS, weight gain during IVF and steroids for my chrons. However, some is down to me not caring for myself properly and eating my feelings. It’s me that has to look in the mirror every day and see someone looking back they don’t like not you. You never know what someone is going through so stop judging.

What a tangled web we weave ,,!!!
This is so stupid. Tell her to lose the weight or she will have to adjust the dress to fit. A long fillet of material up the back in a similar colour should fit the bill. It will probably look strange but should make a good talking point. What a laugh.

All the other previous MN suggestions also seem to be worth consideration.

If your friend is finding it hard to loose weight maybe you could offer to help her, join skimming world, go to the gym, walks, swimming etc it’s hard to get motivated on your own esp when you have a significant amount to lose. Failing that alterations or an alternative dress. Could the other dresses be accessorised differently so it looks like they are more or a mix and match? Different flowers, shrugs, hair, jewellery? Try and be supportive as she is probably worrying about it as well. Hold onto your good friend they are hard to come by x

No, you’re not being unreasonable, but if you want to stay friends, then find a way to get her clothed for your wedding without losing face. Losing weight is tough under the best of circumstances, and it’s possible that she had the best of intentions, but stress (over having to lose weight, or some other issue) is making her GAIN weight instead.

Her friend is eating more and is heavier. She volunteered to lose weight she wasn’t asked.
I think you should give her the dress early and if she values your friendship she may then make the effort, if it’s too hard fair enough at least she will have tried. All been there, well intentioned and before you know it it the wedding is upon you. Good thing is tho’, as she is your maid of honour she would get away with a different dress. Hope it all works out for everyone concerned.

Sorry has anyone recommended possibly going to see a seamstress, and seeing if it might be possible that they use this dress, and some other fabric to create something that will fit, and match the other dresses.surely a similar fabric could be sought for adding in panels or something?

You are being unreasonable to have bought the dress that did not fit her. For all her promises of losing weight, when I saw you say she was a size 22 and the largest was a 16 - that’s not losing a small amount of weight, that’s absolutely loads!! I had to lose over three stone to go from a 16 to a 12 and that difference is much smaller in terms of fabric cuts and it took me two years extremely hard work. Just on the basis of putting that implicit pressure on her, yabu. I feel like there’s more going on here.

She probably shouldn’t have agreed to lose weight to fit into a dress but I think it would be more respectful if you just spoke to her about it rather than a load of strangers on the internet. If I knew my “best friend” had posted this about me we wouldn’t be best friends any more. Have some respect and ask her directly.

This.

She probably shouldn’t have agreed to lose weight to fit into a dress but I think it would be more respectful if you just spoke to her about it rather than a load of strangers on the internet. If I knew my “best friend” had posted this about me we wouldn’t be best friends any more. Have some respect.
I agree.
This thread is most likely to be printed in the dailymail embarrassing your friend again.
Tut tut tut.

It's her responsibility, in my view, to have the dress altered. Seamstresses can do all sorts of magical things - they are so talented. My sister got extra panels sewn into her bridesmaid's dress, when she'd put on weight after pregnancy. All she had to do was source some fabric of the same colour. It goes without saying that she took it upon herself to do this, and didn't land it on the bride-to-be!

I feel, apart from anything else, you have a naive slight prejudice about obesity and weight loss.
I am not judging you for this. I was a slender size eight till my thirties and used to assume being overweight was a choice and that only gluttony caused weight gain and could be easily avoided by 'eating normally'. I absolutely cringe when I think of my attitude as I still are pizza and chips and ice creams but somehow thought my diet was superior because I was slim.
It took pregnancy hormones and anti depressant weight gain to cure me of my disillusions. I learned not only can you gain weight by not changing your eating habits at all, due to medication or changing metabolism, it's also ridiculously hard to lose weight once it's gained.
I had around three sizes to drop for a healthy weight, five for my previous, so I started by watching what I ate, exercise and portion control like so many well meaning posters have suggested.
I gained weight on that regime.
I eventually got the weight down but developed disordered eating to do so, borderline eating disorder behaviour.
Its is a very weird feeling being both judged for being overweight and for having anorexia like behaviours and yet that was the behaviour needed to lose the weight. I never got back to my previous shape anyway, your body works against you to try and gain it back. We are designed to put weight on in a famine and our bodies can't distinguish between crash dieting and starvation.
And then there's the fact that some people are genetically predisposed to putting on weight.

I think you've already had enough advice about the dress so my advice, in addition to getting a new dress, speaking to your bridesmaid and asking for the thread to be deleted, is that you read some scientific recent theory on weight gain and why it's not as simple as you think. If recommend reading why we eat too much for a start.

Talk to your mph. Be proactive. Get it sorted sensitively and have a good wedding.

You'd talk to your best friend like this?!

Just a thought - when my sister got married the maid of honour wore a different dress to the bridesmaids in the same colour - that may be a potential solution rather than buy all new dresses ?

hmmm I think you’ve been naïve to think that could actually be achieved,weight loss is so hard and it comes across like you’ve probably never had to consider it. That being said your friend should’ve also known the likely hood of weight loss to get into a dress was slim (mind the pun) speak to her and get another dress!

I voted YABU, but so is your MOH.
YABU to make such a big deal about the dress, but not actually discuss it with her. Also to have bought the dresses so fr in advance.
She is unreasonable to let you pay that much for a dress she can't fit in.
Really in a couple of years time you will probably regret spending so much time, effort and stress over 1 day. Focus on your marriage rather than your wedding.

I honestly can't believe some of the posts on here.
YANBU. It sounds to me like your MOH saw the smaller dress as the incentive she needed to kickstart her weightloss and let you shell out £190 for it.
Now, with 9 months to go, there is NO WAY she is not aware of the impending problem but is apparently burying her head in the sand and hasn't come to you to try and find a solution. I think she has been incredibly unfair and put you in a really difficult position.
It is absolutely staggering the number of posters who seem to think that being overweight absolves someone of any responsibilty or in this case, consideration for someone else to the point they are willing to let them waste £200.

Don’t think the rights and wrongs of this matter very much- no one is acting badly deliberately, it’s just an unfortunate situation. What matters is getting through it with minimum upset.

Your friendship is worth more than £190. Why not just suggest to your friend that she wears a different dress as she’s MOH and go shopping together. I wouldn’t mention the other dress or her weight gain- she’ll be well aware of it already. Put the other dress on eBay or see if the shop will take it back.

Honestly, friendships and marriage are worth infinitely more more than dresses and weddings.

I think you just need to talk to her about what she wants to do, being realistic.

It's not really about her weight, reality is she's got a bridesmaid dress that doesn't fit, and it's not possible to buy it in a size that does. Don't link it to the weight loss/gain. Be factual.

In her shoes, I'd be mortified as already "the fat one" I'd stand out anyway, if you then put her in a different dress I'd stand out more.

If you can afford it, I'd buy two new dresses, in a complementary shade of the same colour, one for MoH and one for another bridesmaid so they are all "mix and match". That's quite a fashionable BM look nowadays anyway, and IMO it will look better than one being different.

She should offer to contribute of course, being partly at fault here, but I think you may have to accept some extra cost - you shouldn't have bought dresses so far out anyway, and you should have found a tactful way to not accept her promises at the time - you were always risking £190 from the start, and here we are.

Congratulations on your wedding, you will have a wonderful day I'm sure.

@NohoHank did you read OP’s post before commenting? Her friend insisted she should buy the dresses and she promised she was going to lose weight for the wedding. OP, your friend can wear a different dress since she is the maid of honour. My sister’s maid of honour wore a different dress from her bridesmaids. I have seen this done in a lot of weddings

You sound like a good friend op. The situation is tricky both to resolve and to address with her so I really feel for you and your friend. However, it does need to be addressed as I expect your friend is feeling increasingly worried about what to do. It’s possible that she was so insistent at the beginning because she didn’t want to be the cause of the other two BMs not getting the dress they loved but also, possibly in the hope that it might give her a real incentive to lose the weight. That kind of pressure rarely works and in my experience leads to sleepless nights, feelings of panic and sticking your head further in the sand every day!
Hard though it’ll be, I think the sooner you talk to her about it, the better. I know you’ll handle it sensitively. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding.