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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

674 replies

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:34

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

OP posts:
biggreenhouse · 17/06/2022 14:36

has she said she has made no effort? or are you just assuming she should have found it easy and hasn't?

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 14:37

Just speak to her and see what she wants to do. If she does need a bigger dress could you sell the one you have for her and find another second hand one in a size/ style that will go with the other dresses (you have plenty of time in 9 months) or she may offer to pay.

I think you're unreasonable until you speak to her. If she's your maid of honour she should be a good friend so surely between the two of you could come up with something?

BasementIdeas · 17/06/2022 14:37

Can you just get it altered? I’m sure a competent seamstress will have some
ideas of the best way to do this

SausagePourHomme · 17/06/2022 14:38

You think she has chosen to be overweight?

How would you feel if your "friend" did this to you. Took you dress shopping with a load of skinnier people and made you feel lesser because the only dresses they have are too small. She probably felt she couldn't say no!

BasementIdeas · 17/06/2022 14:38

Otherwise it’s not unusual for the maid of honour’s dress to be a different style to the rest of the bridesmaids…

Stokey · 17/06/2022 14:38

Maid of Honour can wear a different dress to the bridesmaids. You can't force someone to lose weight. She's probably feeling pretty bad about it I would think.

OompaLoompaa · 17/06/2022 14:39

I don’t think you sound a cow but buying the dress was a mistake.
Could you buy just get another dress a month or so before your wedding in the right size even if the dress doesn’t match the other bridesmaids dresses? I think that’s what I would do.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 17/06/2022 14:39

Yes. You are being AIBU. You should have recognised that her aspiration to lose weight was no guarantee It would happen.

buying the bridesmaids dresses so far in advance was probably silly really. All sorts of things can easily change in that time.

What you could do is to contact a dress alterations company and talk through the options to adapt the dress to fit (if necessary) in 9 months time, and take all
the pressure off your friend about the requirement to lose weight.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:39

She's said at various points since then that she was going to join the gym, start Slimming World, etc, but hasn't actually done any of it. I was conscious that she wasn't losing weight, but the weekend away showed that she's bigger than ever.

OP posts:
Sillystripytail · 17/06/2022 14:39

I was expecting to hammer you for this tbf but actually, you're not being unreasonable. She should never have insisted that you buy them and that she was definitely going to lose weight. You'll have to try and speak to her about it and be as sensitive as possible cause I'm sure you don't want to upset her but she's put you in a very difficult position.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 17/06/2022 14:39

🔨⚒

NewbieDivergent · 17/06/2022 14:40

As an obese woman who has never been able to keep weight off for any length of time I still think she is the unreasonable one,she shouldn't of made an agreement she couldnt keep to and that has cost you money,iwould cut your losses on the one dress keep the others and tell your friend as the dress doesn't fit she'll have to come as a guest instead.

TigerLilyTail · 17/06/2022 14:40

It sounds like she had good intentions but it just didn't happen. It can be hard for people to lose weight. Just have a backup plan, but don't mention it until nearer the date. It's just a dress. Friendship is more important.

NohoHank · 17/06/2022 14:40

You're right you do sound like a cow. You shouldn't have bought dresses that didn't fit and by a company that doesn't even do over a size 16. Hardly your best friend if you didn't consider her. This is all on you. You have no right to be annoyed with your friend for being fat and not 'moderating her eating'. That's a really crass comment actually! You'll just have to get her another dress or ask her to purchase her own.

Floella22 · 17/06/2022 14:42

You were unreasonable to believe your bf would lose the weight at all. If every overweight person who said this actually did it there would be no plus sizes.
I think you need to say to bf that you would like her to enjoy your wedding and if the dress doesn't fit she can buy something similar to wear As she is MOH it won't matter if she's slightly different.
She'll probably say she can lose the weight in 9 months, she won't.

thismeansnothing · 17/06/2022 14:42

Your poor friend. It's shit going shopping with people all being slimmer than you at the best of times. She probably felt like she had to go along with this dress when everyone else said they liked them. Would have been tough to say no. Maybe she doesn't want to change or has other things going on? Either way there's tons of solutions with a sensitive chat which isn't about her losing weight. Maybe the dress can be altered. Or being MOH she could have a different but complimenting dress.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 17/06/2022 14:42

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:39

She's said at various points since then that she was going to join the gym, start Slimming World, etc, but hasn't actually done any of it. I was conscious that she wasn't losing weight, but the weekend away showed that she's bigger than ever.

If you actually value this friendship take the pressure right off.

She was over optimistic about losing the weight, and may well have felt pressured to say she would to please you. For lots of people the stress of that and feeling she’s letting you down could very easily cause weight gain rather than loss.

it’s just a dress. It can be altered or a new one found. Surely your friendship is more important than that.

Maienia · 17/06/2022 14:42

Ouch, I was ready to say yabu but yeah your friend absolutely shouldn't have agreed.

I think a good option might be finding a similar fabric and taking it to a seamstress to be altered. If she's maid of honour you could say her dress is different cos she's maid of honour not just bridesmaid?

But I guess this is a lesson learned the hard way.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 17/06/2022 14:42

Because that’s how weight loss works 🙄

just be kind and offer to look for an alternative dress.

PussGirl · 17/06/2022 14:43

Just get one that doesn't match but tones in and don't buy it till a fortnight before the wedding

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:43

SausagePourHomme · 17/06/2022 14:38

You think she has chosen to be overweight?

How would you feel if your "friend" did this to you. Took you dress shopping with a load of skinnier people and made you feel lesser because the only dresses they have are too small. She probably felt she couldn't say no!

Wow, some big assumptions there!

I never said she chose to be overweight. There was also no case of making her feel lesser. The shop had dresses in bigger sizes, but it happened to be these ones (and she was the one who first saw them and said how lovely they were) that we loved. I was v. discreet asking the shop assistant about sizes as I was aware they didn't do everything in larger sizes, and didn't say anything about it in front of the other girls, just to her on her own afterwards.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 17/06/2022 14:43

Ach, at least you know you are being a cow.

Look, people overeat for largely emotional reasons. If they didn't then no one would be fat because diets would always work. She's either trying and failing and scared or scared and in denial.

If she's your maid of honour then it's even easier to put her in something that goes with but isn't exactly the same as the other's dresses - and she'll look better in something that is intended for her shape. Is there a local dressmaker or if she has a good sense of style get her to pick a few options out to run past you?

Put the both of you out of your misery (believe me she is more miserable than you about this) and suggest a solution like the above.

Belovedfool · 17/06/2022 14:43

It was her suggestion, so no, you're not unreasonable to expect her to do what she said she'd do.
However, you can't force her. All you can do is be clear you're not buying any more dresses, and make peace with the possibility she may not be in your wedding party. Or you ask her to buy another dress that coordinates with the others, but fits her as she is.

ZigZagZen · 17/06/2022 14:44

She's maid of honour just get a her different dress in the same style. She might offer to pay for it if you talk to her about it anyway.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:45

I think it will end up being a case of her having a slightly different dress, as I don't think it's likely you could do the alteration that would be needed.

OP posts:
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