To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Your friend was probably too nervous to speak up properly when you had all picked a dress that wasn't even in her size.

Same! I was thinking you were going to be a fat phobic arsehole from the title, but actually...I think what she's done is a bit annoying.

Speak to her and say she doesn't have to lose weight. You love her whatever size and think she looks great (assuming you do) and decide together how you're going to sort a suitable dress. If I was her, I'd definitely offering to pay for the next one and / or let you sell / return the old one if you can.

Oh OP, how have you got old enough to get married without realising many people talk a good diet but it doesn't happen?

Dont give her the option to slim into the dress (you bought them all too far in advance!), just say its obvious it won't fit, so would she like to shop with you to find a similar dress that would look good on her, or see if a seamstress can do something about it?

It does sound like she's set herself up to fail and you are going along with it.

Yes I would also think your compromise solution here would to be to buy your friend a complimenting dress in the same or similar fabric/color.

I don't think it's realistic or necessary to buy new dresses for everyone. And its a lesson on realism: always make decisions on what is rather than what could be.

Please don't get angry at your friend, she may have felt embarrassed at the time or could see it was definitely your favorite dress and didn't want you making your decisions based on her. Whatever the reasons you still have 9 months to come up with a solution. Being unkind or angry with your friend is totally unproductive. She's your best friend and that shouldn't change because of the (understandable) stress you feel preparing your wedding.
Hope the rest of your preparations go well OP

Re alterations though, you might be surprised what they can do.

I unexpectedly fell pregnant before I was bridesmaid and they were able to make my dress big enough to accommodate my big baby bump!

She probably thinks 9 months is bags of time to lose a few stone and is having a glorious, prolonged last supper before knuckling down to weight loss. That’d be my mentality anyway!
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to ask her gently about it. It’s not like you demanded she lose weight, she proposed it. Like pps have said, if it comes to it she may just need a new dress which is complementary to the others

Of course she said that she’d lose weight so you and everyone else could get the dress that you all ‘adored’. It was that or she’s the problem person who is just too fat so none of you can have the dresses that you all said were perfect.

Put yourself in that position… it’s not nice and she probably thought ‘I’m the problem so I’ll have to fix myself; I’ve got over a year’. So she said she would lose weight. But, turns out, it’s not that easy. She’s probably feeling like a failure who is letting you down.

It’s just a bridesmaid dress.

I don't think YABU, but maybe look into getting her dress altered? I am sure a competent seamstress will be able to do that (rather than you being stressed for the next 9 months)

Just so i'm clear, I'm not intending to get angry or unkind with her at all, we've been friends for years and I love to her to bits. She's a gorgeous girl but I do personally wish she would lose the weight for the sake of her health, but I accept it's her body and her life and her decision to make.

I think I can still feel a bit annoyed about the situation as a whole though.

If it is too small where do you suppose the extra fabric will come from? No competent seamstress would go anywhere near this

A size 16 in bridal wear/bridesmaids dresses is much smaller than high street clothing. I learned that the hard way when planning my wedding.

Yeah this.

Honestly though - it's a rare beast who can use time pressure to motivate lose weight.

It seems like a fantastic motivation - but it rarely works. I don't know anyone it's worked for. Including me!

Don't be angry with her. She's probably worrying about it. Have a chat, try and inject a bit of humour, and start choosing a dress together that will go with the others and FITS HER NOW.

I was MOH in my best friends wedding when I was more than 8 months pregnant with DS #1. We bought fabric from the company that was making the BM dresses and made one for me but not exactly as you can imagine why! lol
It worked out fine. You have plenty of time to do something like that.

How much was the dress?

I will look into it but it would be quite a significant alteration which is why I'm not sure it'd be possible. The comment above from a poster about alterations made when she was pregnant are interesting though so maybe.

Do you not realise that she was still in a difficult position? You and all the other girls loved these dresses. But, it turns out, she’s too fat. So she promised something she just can’t deliver because she didn’t want to let you down.

Talk to someone who does dress alterations. They are actually miracle workers.

Ouch! You won't have a best friend anymore if this makes it into the Daily Mail

About £190

Could you sell it and then try and get one made in the right size?

I'm a dressmaker. Any time I've had to make a dress much bigger, it's been against my advice. Only way I will do it is to change a zip fastening to a lace up fastening and make a modesty panel to fill the gap. It gets the dress on and fastened, that's the best you can hope for. Does nothing for it being too small on bust or arms though.
Buy a different dress. Seriously, just save your sanity and your friendship and choose something else that fits and flatters her as she is.

It was a really foolish decision all round to get the dress, but it’s done now. Please don’t make her feel shit about it - I bet she was mortified when you went shopping about her weight meaning you might not be able to get the dress you want.

I’ve never seen a maid of honour be in a different dress, but I think that’s what you’ll have to do. Let her just choose something in the relevant colour that will suit her.

Of course I do! But when she repeatedly insisted that we should get them and she would lose weight then what am I meant to say? Tell her that I don't think she can do it so I'm not buying them? How is that any more kind!

I think you WERE unreasonable to buy dresses that only went up to a size 16 (however lovely they were) when your friend was bigger. Don't know why your friend hasn't lost weight but it isn't an easy thing to do, and it was perhaps predictable that it wouldn't happen. I guess the way forward is a slightly awkward conversation with her?

YABU

She obviously had good intentions, hoped this would be a motivating factor, or just felt too awkward at the time to be the reason why the rest of the bridesmaids couldn’t have the dresses you all loved.

You bought them 2 years in advance!! That’s way way too early. So much could change in that time. Would you be as cross if another bridesmaid had fallen pregnant in that time, thus not fitting the dress you bought?

I would sell on the dress you have and find another that fits and works with the others. MOH having a slightly different dress would not strike me as odd at all.

Being angry with her though is totally U, it’s not like she’ll have deliberately decided to gain more weight. She probably feels stressed and upset about it as it is.

If she doesn't lose the weight you could sell it or ask the shop if they'd be willing to refund you.

It's a lot of money but not worth losing a good friend over.