To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

and they would be right. The MOH made the promise.. as I've said before being fat does not render her unable to make decisions.

I'm pretty sure MOH wouldn't be obese to begin with if it was as easy as making a promise.

Are you really so naive to think obesity is about greed and choices, do you think MOH has actively decided to upset her friend because she can't be bothered trying more likely she is trapped in a cycle of self destruction through food addiction.

No-body wants to be obese, food addiction is worse than the smoking era it's easy to blame individuals when it is an epidemic with so many factors, psychological, emotional, huge portions, fast food outlets, supermarket deals.

I think you entirely missed the sarcasm in my post @dolphinsarentcommon re the lack of any pressure on MOH to make that promise. It's pretty hard to explain it to people who are not naturally empathetic. Try to put yourself in this girls shoes (if this scenario is even real!). She goes with her best friend the bride and her other friends to a dress shop and she knows how important this as it's her friends big day. The friend finds a dress they all love everyone gushes over it. The bride finds out 'discretly' but in front of her MOH it only goes up to a size 16, she knows her friend is a size 22 or whatever so this won't work. She is obviously very disappointed although she is pretending not too show it. MOH can't bear to disappoint her best friend, she feels dreadful and ashamed that her size has resulted in this dress not working for everyone and feels embarrsed, why can't she just fit the damn drsss like the others. Secretly bride is also thinking this or MOH thinks she is. Out of shame, momentary madness or being an absolute people pleaser she makes a promise to the bride she will loose weight to fit in the dress, thereby becoming the hero and crisis averted. But afterwards the impact of what she has promised starts to sink in. She is too embarrassed to tell her friend that she might have made a promise she cannot keep. She picks up something to eat to dull the pain. She'll start the diet tomorrow. And so this pattern continues until nearer the wedding where she will be forced to tell her friend. By this point she is so ashamed she opts out of the wedding completely or makes an excuse not to come such as being ill because she cannot face telling the bride the truth. And all this could have been avoided by simply an bit of empathy in the first place and not being so rigid with matching dresses for people of wildly varying body types for one bloody day, after which the sodding dresses will likely go in the bin. And before anyone says it, no I'm not 'overweight and bitter' 🤣 I just can often understand other people's feelings quite deeply. It's a blessing and a curse. 🤣

@Purplefoxes @EmeraldShamrock1

I'm neither naive or stupid. Nor am I narrow minded. If you read the thread you'll see OP did her best to navigate a very delicate and sensitive problem from the start. She's not cross her MOH is still overweight. She's cross she's in a predicament she didn't want.

I have been very overweight and I get it. However I don't accept being overweight is an excuse for making promises you don't keep. You're still an adult, yore still responsible.

Wow remind me never to get obese if it means people treat you like a poor delicate flower incapable of having any autonomy or agency!
Most likely this woman thought she’d take the opportunity to lose some weight with a goal of the wedding and just got even fatter. Not fair to take that risk on a friend’s money though. Sure some people have medical conditions but mostly it’s just eating too much and not moving enough.

OP you've had some really harsh responses on here.

So, practically how to solve this.

1. talk to her. and simply take all the pressure off. I love you as you are and this loose weight for the wedding thing is daft, so lets find you a dress that works.


2. Go to a seamstress. But rather than try and alter the dress which will be impossible, take the old dress and ask them to make a new dress, but use some of the fabric in some way.

So for example, use the fabric from the old dress to make the bodice and add a skirt in new fabric. Or use old fabric to trim round the bottom, or make the sleeves, or for a centre front panel, and then the rest in a shade darker. Get advice on what to mix it with that won't look like a strange extra, but works well with the other bridesmaid dresses, so they look like a set, but are not the same.
Do it now, so there is plenty of time.

The op already said the shop did sell plus sizes, it was just unfortunate this dress wasn't one of them.

Didn't rtft as it is quite long.

I think there is fault on both parts really, she shouldn't have promised to lose weight, but buying dresses 18 months in advance is ridiculous and begging for this to happen. What would you do if any one of your friends had gotten pregnant, or lost/gained weight for whatever reason ?

You really should have bought the dresses a few weeks before the wedding.

Anyway, it's only a dress, I'd let it go as a shared mistake and :

• Get the dress altered


• Or buy a different one and sell the one you have (but wait until just before the wedding !)

Buying the dresses was a mistake. Not just for her, but for all the bridesmaids. Nobody knows what weight/size they’re going to be that far in advance, whether through weigh gain/loss or pregnancy. You need to have a chat with her and ask what her intentions are re fitting into the dress. On the problem of buying all new dresses, is it possible to take her dress to a dressmaker and ask if it can be copied in her size?

@whereeverilaymycat that's not an excuse though is it?! If you knew your bridesmaid was plus size and you didn't want to embarrass her you would say to the shop please can you only show me the dresses which are also available in plus sizes or MOH size. It's dead simple and easy for anyone with half a brain. You could even ask the shop discretely in advance of your visit. Which is why I think this could be a fake, because seriously who would do this to their MOH and alleged best friend.

Ask her what she thinks the solution is and try to resolve this.

To be fair, it probably wouldn't cross a lot of people's minds that dresses only done in small sizes in some shops. For example, Zara only do up to a large ten, small twelve and call it a large. If you were a 6 or 8 it probably wouldn't even cross your mind. But a 12 would learn sharpish.
I do think it shows op has never had to think about weight at all that she even considered losing more than one dress size to be anything but a massive gamble.
And if the shop had advised her I think she'd have been steered away from that design no doubt, because they are not only likely to have a touch of realism, they also probably released that a formal dress in size 16 is more equivalent to a 14 anyway. That's going from red NHS BMI to green BMI. Unrealistic to say the least.

But the thing that does make the post seem fake is the fact op claims to be sensitive yet still hasn't asked for it to be deleted, for friends sake.
If she stumbles across this problem solved. No moh. No friend.

Ah now @WooFighters don't infantalise skinny women, I'm sure they are not totally self absorbed delicate flowers and are able to think about other peoples needs (reverse of what has been said on here about over weight women making promises to lose weight). Yep re the chance of supposed friend seeing it, she'd be devastated so why would a decent person take that chance if it was real. I don't think OP will be back now somehow so we will never know.

It's a new week and I'm not even going to bother getting wound up by the trolls and people who can't read above! If you want to keep judging me then go for it, but I'm not really bothered. Have had some great advice from people on here and that's what I needed.

Anyways, have spoken with some dressmakers over yesterday and this morning and all but one have more or less confirmed what people have said here that it will be too much of an adjustment to make. The one who said she might be able to do something said it would likely be expensive and couldn't guarantee how good it might look, so it looks like that option is out. Probably gonna go for the contrasting dress idea.

I've arranged to meet MOH for a coffee tomorrow after work so I can have a chat with her about everything.

One take away from this thread would be to not buy another dress until say three months before your wedding.

@Purplefoxes I take your point. I think in the excitement of it all, it didn't cross her mind until they'd actually fallen in love with her dress.
To be honest I wouldn't have gone to a bridal shop for bridesmaids dresses anyway. They're so expensive and the high street do great options, much cheaper and in loads of sizes!

Lack of communication seems to be the issue here.

Why haven't you ever talked to her before now and figure a solution together instead of assuming this and that which is only making you more upset.

Find out what is going on before jumping to conclusions, she is a friend for a reason, right?

Then see what can be done about the dress issue, together is you are able to. Address it before it is too late and your friendship takes a blow.

I would have said it was on you if you had assumed that she was going to lose weight just because she was in your wedding but she was the one who did say she would do this without being prompted or asked.

I'd be a bit frustrated too tbh. She's fat not mentally challenged and has had many months now to recognise that the weight loss isn't happening. Perhaps she had the best intentions at the time, but end of the day a significant amount of money has been spent following her assurances she'd lose weight, so she could at least attempt to own the situation rather than just getting fatter whilst shrugging her shoulders and leaving it to OP to sort.

Wow!! I wrote a post on here asking:

Does anyone think sensationalist posts like this are written by mumsnet to get a reaction from people?

And it was deleted for trolling! Which to me confirms this thread was created by mumsnet. This will be deleted soon I imagine.

It doesn't confirm that at all. Troll hunting means claiming the OP is not genuine and trollhunting posts are routinely deleted as they derail threads.

Not sure “woman fails to lose weight” is that sensationalist really.

Stick with the dresses you have!
And if a month prior she still hasnt lost the weight just uh.. dunnow. Buy her a different one that sorta matches the other ones?

She is U. Not you op.
And all these people defending her on this thread must be bigger than a size 16 themselves and feel attacked for no valid reason.

She shouldn't have mentioned she would loose the weight. End off.

Yes fair point. I remain sceptical though.

So this non-"story" is now in several tabloids.

Obviously a wind-up otherwise the OP would have had this deleted ages ago and not fuelled it through 100s of posts. At no time has the OP shown any care for her "best friend" being potentially put in the papers which was pointed out numerous times. So I assume that was the aim. A non story in the tabloids that will generally get people attacking each other over weight issues. How lovely and caring.

@Hadtocomment Yes my thoughts exactly, the op strapline sounded like something from a cheap tabloid. I always think that when I get the emails through with sensational headlines. I think it's fake and an attempt to grab attention and stir up arguments. Sadly always seems to work. Sigh.