To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

In answer to your question Yes, YABU and I don’t believe this needs to be explained to you.

Hope your wedding goes well and you have a long and happy marriage.

My sister/MOH was 8 months pregnant at my wedding and we bought 2 dresses so we had the matching material to enlarge her dress so it was comfortable and she looked fabulous 🥰🥰👍👍

Loosing weight is difficult. Most people who start a diet are full of optimism. They believe they will succeed, but they fail. Each time someone loses weight on a stupid, promoted diet, they will often lose some weight, but a stupid diet can’t be sustained and as soon as they stop, they regain what they have lost and more besides. Most yo-yo dieters end up far bigger than they were before they began dieting. Your ‘best friend’ (you may need to reflect on whether you are being a good friend to her) could have been going through all sorts of internal shit as a result of her promise. If you are really a friend, if you care about her, you should talk to her about it, reassure her that it doesn’t matter and get a similar dress sorted for her. If you can’t do that, you are not her ‘best friend’!

So yes, you are being unreasonable.

It’s not always that easy to loose weight - ffs - you aren’t a friend - this is so sad.

I don’t think we have any evidence that the friend is expecting anyone to ‘pander’ to her or for all plans to revolve around her, unless I’ve missed the relevant post after OP actually
talks to her. Friend made a promise that, for whatever reason, wasn’t realistic. If she’s considerably bigger than a size 16 on the day, she won’t be able to wear the dress, or won’t be comfortable in it. Those are the facts. It’s not for op to offer to take friend to slimming classes. I’d cringe I’d someone made that offer to me in this situation. It needs a straightforward, honest conversation and a new dress plan.

Oh really? What a sheltered life you must have read. I assume the one reason you are aware of is laziness combined with gluttony. What about
One of three different eating disorders (i.e. a serious mental health problem)
A Genetic predisposition (proven)
A genetic disorder
A hormonal disorder (e.g. Polycystic ovaries)
A thyroid disorder
Treatment with systemic steroids for one of a range of health problems (e.g unstable asthma, cancer)
No doubt there will be other than I can’t call to mind right now 🤬

Not sure if you read the op fully, but it was the friend that offered to slim, then it was the friend who said to get the dresses, so why promise of you cannot deliver the result s. I know it's not always guaranteed to achieve x but then the friend needed a plan to realise the goals.

Frankly, I find adult bridesmaids in perfectly matching dresses to be a bit basic.

Kids, fine, but for adults it always seems a little immature. I'd much rather a bride picked a color/style and had her bridesmaids wear something that suited them.

That said, if you're going to go all matchy-matchy, it's very typical that the MOH would have a different dress than the other bridesmaids, to mark them out. Would that work?

To reframe this for some posters:

If you’re in work, you wouldn’t put yourself forward to lead a project you have absolutely no experience in. You wouldn’t bury your head in the sand as the project overwhelms you and just stop going to work.

You’d either realise straight away it’s not in your domain and not put yourself forward, or you’d realise it isn’t working out and let your manager know in good time so adjustments can be made so the project ultimately doesn’t become a disaster.

So why is this any different? Carrying a few extra pounds doesn’t make you unable to make a considered decision. It’s one thing promising the world when it just affects you, but this is someone’s wedding day. I think it’s pretty selfish to be honest- the cost of the dress(es), the fact the bride is sitting worrying about this and having to put in place back up plans, all because someone can’t just be honest and admit they fucked up.

You really should read the thread.

Ebay is your friend here, lots of dresses, lots of choice. Much cheaper.

Could you look on eBay or Vinted for anyone selling the same dress so you have more fabric for the dressmaker to work with?

Haha i'm actually embarrassed for you 😂

Another one who’s just read the thread title 🙄. Pathetic. Good luck sorting it OP and have a lovely wedding.

Wow. I was expecting 95%;5% in favour of YABU. I am completely shocked.

I feel sorry for both you and your MOH. As a size 24 person myself, I know how difficult it is to lose weight and how unsettling it would have been for your MOH to be in the "shopping with three skinny girls" situation. But you, OP, have done absolutely NOTHING wrong! You haven't shamed her or forced her to lose weight and you bought the dresses in good faith after what your bestie said about losing weight. Your bestie knows all this and has probably spent the time between buying the dress and now, kicking herself about what she promised.

I think you've been very tactful so far. If I were your MOH, I would be crossing my fingers and waiting for you to give me an 'out'. So, I think you should decide what that 'out' should be - a new and different dress would be my option. Taking her to a dressmaker will only embarrass her further because there's no way a size 16 dress can become a size 24+. Just say to her that you know that what's going on in her life, that losing weight sucks and is very difficult to do at any time, and that you just want her to feel as great as you do on your wedding day. You could also say that in the time since you bought the dresses, you've decided that you don't really want the matchy-matchy look for your wedding after all.

You, your bestie and me all know that's all a load of crap, but it helps save face for everyone. Your bestie gets to breathe a sigh of relief because she doesn't have to lose weight in a certain time frame, you get to know she'll have a dress she likes to wear on the day. And I get to tell you that I think you've actually been very sensitive to your friend and, as a fellow fatty, I appreciate that you've only had your friend's feelings in mind all along. Good luck with the wedding!

Finally managed to catch up on everything! To be honest, a lot of the negative ones now I can't do much but just laugh at - they've either not read everything, or they have and want to think the worst of me. What's funny is that these are also the people talking about 'be kind'.

There has been some unkind comments about overweight people in general that I don't agree with. I do get how hard it must be to try and lose weight especially if you've got a lot to lose. I do stand by what I said earlier about obesity being a real health concern and it doesn't do anyone any good pretending it isn't. That doesn't mean we have to judge anyone - its their own choice to make.

On the actual subject of the dress, I think it's clear that it will have to be a different dress from the others for my MOH. That wasn't my first choice to be honest, but its not the biggest deal in the world and I know we'll make it work. MOH is stunning and she'll look gorgeous in whatever we go for.

Honestly amazed some people have suggested that if she doesn't fit in the dress or get a new one herself that I should replace her! I mean really! I can't imagine anyone being so awful to even consider that.

Anyway I know some people think its weird I haven't already had a talk with MOH about this, but i've been trying to be sensitive because I know its awkward.I know I have to have the conversation with MOH about this, and I'm going to arrange to meet her for a coffee this week and try and bring it up as gently as possible.

AIBU...Not at all...I am a big girl, and I would never say I would lose weight before the wedding...there are so many things that can come into play, as you got the dresses so early...ie...another bridesmaid could lose or gain weight, 1 could fall pregnant, 1 may drop out...so many things could happen...and in my experience, if there is a bigger girl, there is a very high chance that this dress wouldn't suit her like it would with the smaller bridemaids....I always recommend to buy a dress that suits the bigger girl, and usually 98% of the time, it will suit the smaller girls...
So, no your not being unreasonable, but it is your.fault for purchasing dresses way to early....
Can you not take all dresses back.and start over again

Yes, you are being unreasonable.

It sounds like you have zero idea if she has or hasn't made any effort to lose weight considering you haven't spoke to her about it.

I can understand you being annoyed about losing money on the dress and she really shouldn't have committed to a dress that was too small in the first place. Can you not ask her to purchase her own dress, considering the one you bought is not suitable?

I honestly can't ever imagine being annoyed at the fact that my friend couldn't lose weight. I also would never watch how she eats, it's not my place to judge someone's eating habits.

i cant see she will be able to drop from a size 24+ to a 16, especially if she’s still gaining. That’s about 5/6 stone. If I were you I’d start looking for something else and sell the one you’ve got her to cover the cost of the new dress.

if someone had spent that amount of money on a dress for me id have made damn sure i had lost the weight. If I couldn’t I would certainly cover the cost of the dress as id broken my end of the deal.

I would guess its about 5 or 6 stone at this point too, which I don't want her to have to feel that pressure over, coz it's too much.

Talk to your friend. Really you want her there even if she’s in jeans and a t shirt. This can be solved. Can you buy another of the same dress so you have matching material, take both to a seamstress and ask them to use the material to make some extra panels? Your friend would need to go and be measured. You wouldn’t need to tell her about the two dresses but just say you’ll get it altered. I’m a bridesmaid soon and i’m 1.5ft taller than the rest of the party and 5 sizes bigger than the bride and 2-4 sizes bigger than the bridesmaids. It’s been so difficult getting matching dresses and shoes that fit everyone’s size and shape that in the end we have 3 matching dresses and two that are both totally different. I was offered a different dress but I didn’t want to be standing out even more as a freak in a different dress. At the end of the day I realised my friend wants me there regardless of what I look like. E

That sounds so tough. It's interesting what you say about not wanting a different dress though. It shows how difficult it is, as so many have suggested that as the best solution.

Yep. You're right, you're being a cow. She's your best friend, and is no doubt disappointed in herself for not losing weight. She doesn't need you being unkind to her on top of the stress that she's already feeling. She'll look fine in a different dress as MOH, go shopping with her choose something together that will coordinate with the other dresses. Don't lose a best friend just because she won't fit a size 16 dress!

Nobody is being unkind, quite the opposite. The op has asked for advice about how to approach it, taking her friend's feelings into account. A situation has developed so what is she meant to do, sit and do nothing? Her friend will no doubt feel crap about having not managed to lose the weight, but she's the one who said she'd lose weight for the wedding and will be thinking about it too, so I think it is totally fair enough the op is trying to find the best way round it