Page 6 | To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

scj96 · 2022-06-17T13:34:21+00:00

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes... I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them. Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses. I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:41

Pumperthepumper · 17/06/2022 15:37

No, you should have said ‘if you can’t try them on then I’m not buying them, let’s find somewhere we can all try them on’. I actually can’t believe this is real, nobody is this insensitive.

Show quote history

yeah clearly you are just trolling now so I'm not going to bother responding any further.

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 17/06/2022 15:41

If your friend has gone up by more than one dress size, then altering her dress may prove tricky. Obviously this depends upon the style of dress. If I were you, I think I would sell the original dress, and explain to your friend that you have decided that as she is MOH, you would like her in something different to the bridesmaids. I think as long as you find a dress that suits the overall look of your wedding party, you don't need to have something that's particularly similar to the other dresses.

Pumperthepumper · 17/06/2022 15:42

Floella22 · 17/06/2022 15:39

@Pumperthepumper the OP can’t go back and change her decision so no point harping on.

OP find a dress that has plus sizes and compliments the other dresses. Tell bf you’ve seen this dress and love it and would like everyone to realise she’s MOH and would she go shopping just with you and give her opinion. Give bf a back out plan that stops her feeling lesser. Your problem is solved, everyone is happy and bf feels relieved probably.

This is good advice. And also, in the future, be more sensitive to your friend.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/06/2022 15:42

It was an unrealistic suggestion/ offer on her part.

She’ll just have to have a different dress to everyone else, but it is a pain if you have already paid for one.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:43

CaptSkippy · 17/06/2022 15:37

OP, have you talked to her at all?

Personally, I think both of you were naive the prospects of her potential weightloss and how she would look in the dress if she had lost the weight. You were over-excited about the dresses and made a mistake getting them, but you already know that.

What's done is done. But a decision needs to be made about how to proceed from here and it needs to be a decision by the both of you. You still have 9 months, so I think that's enough time to figure something else out.

But neither of you can't go on the assumption of weightloss. It was bad enough the first time. Because getting down from a size 22 till a 16 in a year and a half, while not imposslbe, was most likely a pie in the sky scenario already. Not to mention that crash diets are unhealthy and unsustainable. Even if she had lost a significant amount of weight, there is no telling she would be able to keep it off till the wedding.

I haven't no. Tbh I hadn't even really thought about it that much, until this weekend away and I saw how her clothes were fitting and her eating habits (and yes I totally appreciate that we were away so nobody is going to be perfect!) and realised that there is an issue.

OP posts:

saraclara · 17/06/2022 15:45

The issue is that she was about a size 22 when we bought them, and I know from last weekend that she's now a 24 (and on the big side of that being honest) so it feels like that would be such a big alteration to try and do.

Slimming from a 22 to a 16 was always going to be a massive thing, and for the vast majority of people, sadly, pretty unrealistic.

No way on earth can a dressmaker turn a size 16 dress into a 24. It's bizarre than anyone who now knows the sizes would suggest this. My daughter's dress was altered to fit her unexpected pregnancy, but she was incredibly lucky to have chosen a dress that didn't have a fitted bodice, had a load of lovely soft fabric flowing in folds, and that was way too long (an ex-display model). So the dressmaker had loads to work with and did a fantastic job. But of course she only had a bump to allow for, not a neck to hips problem.

SausageAndCash · 17/06/2022 15:45

Surely it’s a bit mad to spend money on several dresses nearly 2 years in advance and expect everyone (not just weight-loss bridesmaid)?

I am 2 sizes smaller than a year ago, for example.

Tell her if she can’t fit into the costume she can’t play the role.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:45

TiddleyWink · 17/06/2022 15:36

Tricky one. With hindsight it was really very silly of you to pay £190 for a dress that she doesn’t fit into. You could have said you don’t want her to be under pressure losing weight just for this dress and it wouldn’t feel right to you to put that on her, as a way of saying no when she said to buy it anyway. But you are where you are.

I’m not quite as sympathetic towards the friend as some people on here are. It’s a bit of a shitty thing to do to encourage your friend to spend £190 on a dress that doesn’t fit you unless you are absolutely going to make sure it does fit you. Weight issues don’t excuse any manner of crap behaviour that affects other people and costs them money. Perhaps she’s already fully expecting to have to cover the cost of the dress but she should be the one to bring it up. She’s really put you in a very tricky spot.

I think you’re going to have to tackle it head on. Maybe a text to stop her feeling put on the spot having to respond straight away? ‘Hi friend, I’ve been thinking about your dress for the wedding - the last thing I want is for you to be stressing on the run up or on some bonkers unsustainable diet that will make you miserable just for the sake of my wedding! We were probably a bit silly to buy a dress that didn’t fit at the time weren’t we? So anyway shall I ask the shop if it can be returned and we can pick something else that you love?’

She might feel gutted and crushed but what are you meant to do, wait until the wedding morning when she has nothing to wear before it’s discussed? Unless she’s in complete denial to the point of not being completely stable, she knows full well she’s not going to fit into that dress and I think she’s being a bit of a coward not raising it with you first.

That's mostly how I feel, whilst appreciating that it's really hard for her and that she must feel crap about it. I think there is some denial there, as she did mention when we were away that she was going to start losing the weight for it.

OP posts:

misssunshine4040 · 17/06/2022 15:45

SausagePourHomme · 17/06/2022 14:38

You think she has chosen to be overweight?

How would you feel if your "friend" did this to you. Took you dress shopping with a load of skinnier people and made you feel lesser because the only dresses they have are too small. She probably felt she couldn't say no!

She obviously has chosen to be overweight, she should have taken responsibility herself and said no to the dress.
Why is up to the bride to be a mind reader?
She told her she would lose the weight so it's not unreasonable to think she would

AWobABobBob · 17/06/2022 15:46

AStar98 · 17/06/2022 15:06

You're seriously expecting someone to change their body for you. For one day of your life? Get a grip.

Side stepping what your friend promised, why you even set your expectations that high is beyond belief.

If she's maid of honour then why couldn't she have a slightly different dress in the first place?!

And THIS is why I hate weddings 🙄

That's completely unfair. When did the OP say she wanted her best friend to lose weight for her wedding? You've put 1+1 together to come up with 3 there and then added a melodramatic comment about hating weddings.

God, for a site where people bash on and on about marrying for security they sure do moan about weddings. Are people this whingey about birthday parties or Christenings or is it only weddings that make people "entitled"?

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:46

SausageAndCash · 17/06/2022 15:45

Surely it’s a bit mad to spend money on several dresses nearly 2 years in advance and expect everyone (not just weight-loss bridesmaid)?

I am 2 sizes smaller than a year ago, for example.

Tell her if she can’t fit into the costume she can’t play the role.

I would never tell her she couldn't be MOH because of her weight! Are you serious!

OP posts:

HarryStottel · 17/06/2022 15:47

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/06/2022 14:43

Ach, at least you know you are being a cow.

Look, people overeat for largely emotional reasons. If they didn't then no one would be fat because diets would always work. She's either trying and failing and scared or scared and in denial.

If she's your maid of honour then it's even easier to put her in something that goes with but isn't exactly the same as the other's dresses - and she'll look better in something that is intended for her shape. Is there a local dressmaker or if she has a good sense of style get her to pick a few options out to run past you?

Put the both of you out of your misery (believe me she is more miserable than you about this) and suggest a solution like the above.

The second paragraph sums up being overweight and dieting in just a few words.

You say there's 9 months to the wedding? that's plenty of time for her go to from , say , a size 22 to a size 16. My guess is that the process of losing weight will be miserable for her, so she is leaving it until she has to really do it.

If she's REALLY smart she will know that slimming world and weight watchers are short term fixes, and she wants to be at peak weight loss before it goes tits up and she puts it back on.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:49

Just being clear, when the dresses were bought it was nearly 2 years to the wedding, so going from a 22 to a 16 seemed something she could realistically do. I fully accept that going from a big 24 to a 16 in 9 months is a huge task.

OP posts:

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:50

AWobABobBob · 17/06/2022 15:46

That's completely unfair. When did the OP say she wanted her best friend to lose weight for her wedding? You've put 1+1 together to come up with 3 there and then added a melodramatic comment about hating weddings.

God, for a site where people bash on and on about marrying for security they sure do moan about weddings. Are people this whingey about birthday parties or Christenings or is it only weddings that make people "entitled"?

Show quote history

Thank you!! I expected to get some crap for this, but the way some people seem to choose to deliberately misrepresent posts is incredible!!

OP posts:

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 17/06/2022 15:53

I can't believe this isn't a reverse. Much less surprised at all the teeny tinies supporting the OP.

CaptSkippy · 17/06/2022 15:54

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:49

Just being clear, when the dresses were bought it was nearly 2 years to the wedding, so going from a 22 to a 16 seemed something she could realistically do. I fully accept that going from a big 24 to a 16 in 9 months is a huge task.

Yeah, but you still bought the dress on potential and I take it she wasn't actually able to try it on at the time, due to it being a size 16 max. She may have felt pressured, not due to anyone's fault, but it happens in a society that is especially harsh on large women.

Perhaps it's best to go dress shopping, just the two of you, and pick stores that are specialized in plus size dresses.

Ohmybod · 17/06/2022 15:55

NohoHank · 17/06/2022 14:40

You're right you do sound like a cow. You shouldn't have bought dresses that didn't fit and by a company that doesn't even do over a size 16. Hardly your best friend if you didn't consider her. This is all on you. You have no right to be annoyed with your friend for being fat and not 'moderating her eating'. That's a really crass comment actually! You'll just have to get her another dress or ask her to purchase her own.

Did you not read the OP? The friend insisted she would lose weight and that bridal party should buy the dresses. She bears some responsibility here, not just the OP

Buying something DF smaller is a well worn tactic to try and motivate weight loss but it rarely pays off. OP should probably have foreseen this.

OP, you have 9 months. At this stage, take control back and ask your friend upfront how she feels about the dress at this stage and if she’s still aiming to wear it or if you and her should shop for something else similar in her size. Make it clear that as she’s your MOH you’re happy for her to have a slightly different dress (assuming you aren’t a bridezilla and that this would ruin your big day) If she’s vague, make it clear that the other BMs are wearing the bought dresses and that that won’t be changed later on.

ehb102 · 17/06/2022 15:55

Serves you right for buying into diet culture and assuming that the only thing anyone has to do to lose weight is try harder.

missingeu · 17/06/2022 15:57

At the end of the day you a have dress that is too small for the person who's going to wear it. Whatever the reason is in the past and can't be changed. You have the dress.

So the options are:

Your friend loses weight.
You and your friend visit a seamstress and see what can be achieved to make the dress fit and your friend to feel beautiful in it.
Get another dress.

Your friend may have the best intentions to lose weight but maybe something in her life is stopping her.

If it was my friend I would choose the seamstress option with discussion etc and say it comes out of loving place. Don't mention weight (not lost/gain) etc.

Thalatta · 17/06/2022 15:58

She shouldn’t have promised but I imagine she felt she had no choice- I agree with @Pumperthepumper that it put her in a really difficult position for your other Bms to have tried on dresses which didn’t go up to her size. What did you expect your friend to do, say “sorry everyone but you can’t have those lovely dresses because I’m too fat”? She was put in a very difficult position.

I think in your shoes I’d forget about the dress that doesn’t fit, find something that coordinates and comes in the right size and suggest it to her. Don’t mention the other dress or the fact she hasn’t lost weight. Stick the other dress on eBay.

misssunshine4040 · 17/06/2022 15:58

ehb102 · 17/06/2022 15:55

Serves you right for buying into diet culture and assuming that the only thing anyone has to do to lose weight is try harder.

How does it serve her right?
The MOH said she would so she needs to take responsibility for it.
Why does anyone have to tip toe around and patronise someone who is overweight?

To lose weight you do need to try hard and break the cycle of over eating and take responsibility for it.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:59

ehb102 · 17/06/2022 15:55

Serves you right for buying into diet culture and assuming that the only thing anyone has to do to lose weight is try harder.

I didn't buy into anything, it was her idea. Which you'd have seen if you actually bothered to read properly.

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 17/06/2022 16:00

YANBU considering she told you to buy them, hopefully she will just have it altered herself to fit her though, I'd just forget about it for now though

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 16:00

Thalatta · 17/06/2022 15:58

She shouldn’t have promised but I imagine she felt she had no choice- I agree with @Pumperthepumper that it put her in a really difficult position for your other Bms to have tried on dresses which didn’t go up to her size. What did you expect your friend to do, say “sorry everyone but you can’t have those lovely dresses because I’m too fat”? She was put in a very difficult position.

I think in your shoes I’d forget about the dress that doesn’t fit, find something that coordinates and comes in the right size and suggest it to her. Don’t mention the other dress or the fact she hasn’t lost weight. Stick the other dress on eBay.

There was no grand trying on as the shop was busy. The other girls went back (separately) to try them on and sent me pictures after I said we were going with that dress, and then I paid for them.

OP posts:

neverbeenskiing · 17/06/2022 16:01

she should have taken responsibility herself and said no to the dress.

I can imagine that being a size 22 and having to go shopping with a group of slim girls to find a dress for a special event is pretty stressful. When they found a dress they "all adored" then realised it didn't go up to her size she was probably embarrassed. She probably felt guilty at the prospect of the others not being able to wear what they wanted because of her. because of