To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Sounds like a lose lose situation all round really.

She knew that you & others loved the dresses & felt obliged to make the offer.

You probably knew she wouldn't loss enough weight but bought it anyway.

Buying the dresses so early seems really daft to me.

I probably would have changed my mind in that time!

You'll just have to bite the bullet & see if it can be altered as a first choice I guess.

Do the others still fit?

No, they are both fairly slim. I'm not sure what your point is?

If it means so much to you why don't you suggest an activity/exercise you can do together. If she's not keen than her weight is her issue not yours, you can't force someone to loose weight for a wedding and quite honestly, why should she.
It's a bit much to buy clothes so far in advance and expect nobody to change shape or size.

It’s still my original point. You should have insisted on dresses that included her size. Leaving her out was shitty of all of you, regardless of what she said at the time.

Yes I know, and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have bought them. The other bridesmaid do still fit, yes.

I think you definitely made a mistake buying the dresses so early and for buying a dress that wouldn't fit one of the bridesmaids in the first place.

The ideal situation is for the bridesmaids to be matching. Definitely speak to a dress maker. Getting the dress from a size 16 to a 24 is surely possible somehow

I was v. discreet asking the shop assistant about sizes as I was aware they didn't do everything in larger sizes, and didn't say anything about it in front of the other girls, just to her on her own afterwards.

What exactly did you say to her?

So despite the fact that she was fully insistent that we got these ones, I should have refused and said that I didn't think she could lose weight and so I'd buy something else. That'd have made her feel really great 🙄

No in this case yanbu.

I don’t think yabu purely because as she said to go ahead, you couldn’t really turn around and say ‘nah, I actually don’t think you’ll lose the weight’!

It’s just one of those things that happen, it’ll all be fine by your wedding day.
All of the weddings I’ve been to with a MOH, she’s had a different dress on anyway and I always thought that was really nice. I’d perhaps go shopping for one around 6-8 weeks before your wedding.

Alternatively, do the labels on your current dresses show the manufacturer or could your bridal shop help find the manufacturer? Just wondering would they be able to make a bespoke dress or sell you the matching material to get a dress made?

Good luck!

Don't be annoyed with her, OP. Your friend may have thought that the prospect of fitting into a dress would a good incentive for her. But it doesn't work like that. She is probably feeling under pressure and the pressure itself is keeping her on the path she's familiar with. It's so hard to change ingrained habits. I'm speaking from experience! I think just wait until closer to the time and if she doesn't fit into the dress, get her something that tones in with the bridesmaids and that she feels fabulous in. She's probably beating herself up enough as it is. I can guarantee it's on her mind A LOT, no matter what you see from the outside.

We left the shop, and I said to everyone that I wasn't going to make a decision. When it was just me and her having a coffee later on, she brought up these dresses again, and I said to her that they only did them up to a size 16. She immediately said I should get them and she would have lost weight for the wedding, and I told her she didn't need to do that because we could find something else. She insisted I should get them, so I said I'd think about it.

Then over the following week, I had a couple of messages (the conversation started by her) from her asking about the dresses and whether I was going to get them. I told her both times that I didn't want her to have to feel like she had to do that, but she insisted again, and I eventually went and bought them a couple of weeks later.

Tricky one. With hindsight it was really very silly of you to pay £190 for a dress that she doesn’t fit into. You could have said you don’t want her to be under pressure losing weight just for this dress and it wouldn’t feel right to you to put that on her, as a way of saying no when she said to buy it anyway. But you are where you are.

I’m not quite as sympathetic towards the friend as some people on here are. It’s a bit of a shitty thing to do to encourage your friend to spend £190 on a dress that doesn’t fit you unless you are absolutely going to make sure it does fit you. Weight issues don’t excuse any manner of crap behaviour that affects other people and costs them money. Perhaps she’s already fully expecting to have to cover the cost of the dress but she should be the one to bring it up. She’s really put you in a very tricky spot.

I think you’re going to have to tackle it head on. Maybe a text to stop her feeling put on the spot having to respond straight away? ‘Hi friend, I’ve been thinking about your dress for the wedding - the last thing I want is for you to be stressing on the run up or on some bonkers unsustainable diet that will make you miserable just for the sake of my wedding! We were probably a bit silly to buy a dress that didn’t fit at the time weren’t we? So anyway shall I ask the shop if it can be returned and we can pick something else that you love?’

She might feel gutted and crushed but what are you meant to do, wait until the wedding morning when she has nothing to wear before it’s discussed? Unless she’s in complete denial to the point of not being completely stable, she knows full well she’s not going to fit into that dress and I think she’s being a bit of a coward not raising it with you first.

Why is this your problem to resolve? Presumably your bridesmaid is an adult who is capable of independently identifying and then sorting out the issue of wearing a dress by herself.
If the dress purchasing scenario was as you describe then your bridesmaid has taken on the responsibility to fit in the dress you have purchased for her on your wedding day. If she does not fit in the dress come the day that is for her to manage not you.
If she doesn’t fit then it’s up to her to get it altered.
All I would do is diplomatically and sensitively remind all bridesmaids of the pre-agreed dress plans at the six month mark and leave it at that.

Just seen your update Op which underlines my view that this is much more on the friend than you.

No, you should have said ‘if you can’t try them on then I’m not buying them, let’s find somewhere we can all try them on’. I actually can’t believe this is real, nobody is this insensitive.

OP, have you talked to her at all?

Personally, I think both of you were naive the prospects of her potential weightloss and how she would look in the dress if she had lost the weight. You were over-excited about the dresses and made a mistake getting them, but you already know that.

What's done is done. But a decision needs to be made about how to proceed from here and it needs to be a decision by the both of you. You still have 9 months, so I think that's enough time to figure something else out.

But neither of you can't go on the assumption of weightloss. It was bad enough the first time. Because getting down from a size 22 till a 16 in a year and a half, while not imposslbe, was most likely a pie in the sky scenario already. Not to mention that crash diets are unhealthy and unsustainable. Even if she had lost a significant amount of weight, there is no telling she would be able to keep it off till the wedding.

I don’t think she will be able to loose that many dress sizes in 9 months. I think I’d be inclined for to buy a different dress in a different colour for her perhaps

Ah, shame you already bought the dress. I think she felt kind of pressured (not by you) or maybe she thought it's going to be easier to lose weight. What size she really is? Tailors sometimes do little miracles, maybe they could alter the dress?

^^ I am overweight myself

@Pumperthepumper the OP can’t go back and change her decision so no point harping on.

OP find a dress that has plus sizes and compliments the other dresses. Tell bf you’ve seen this dress and love it and would like everyone to realise she’s MOH and would she go shopping just with you and give her opinion. Give bf a back out plan that stops her feeling lesser. Your problem is solved, everyone is happy and bf feels relieved probably.

I think if weight loss followed logic and it was something you could just decide to do, people would not be overweight. I also think there are all kinds of terrible pyscological tie-ins with thinking you can lose the weight, hoping you do and realising you cannot. The kind of complexity that makes it very hard for you to tell her you don't believe her but also for her to give up, or let go, of the desperate hope she will lose it. If you are very overweight, you often hold in your heart the hope that one day you will lose it. It can be bloody hard to tell someone: "no, I probably won't" because you have to face that fact yourself.

I feel for her: she's the fat bridesmaid in a group of slim women; she hoped she would lose weight but it is not as easy as that and now faces the propect of not fitting in the dress her friend has paid £190 and having to wear something that further stands her out.

None of which is your fault. But also none of which is hers (I think), other than the fault of being a flawed human - which is a fault we all have.

I think if my close friend was in such a position, I would not be annoyed. I would feel for her. I'd like to think I could talk to her and we could find a way to fix this together, such as a new dress and pelnty of reassurance.

But then, I'm not much of a 'matching bridesmaid' kind of person so maybe I am not appreciating the full picture. I'd have given them a budget and a colour scheme and let them pick whatever they want

Because it's my wedding and my best friend. Your idea might be a nice theory, but are you really suggesting I ignore it, and then come the wedding morning she has nothing to wear?

She was naive to think she would lose weight for the wedding. You were naive for thinking the same thing, and at best, daft for not just picking a dress that included her size as this was always going to be a possibility and you should have foreseen this.

However, it’s happened. I don’t think you should expect her to lose weight but I think, perhaps closer to the time, that you should have a general chat about the dresses and ask if she had managed to fit into it? If not suggest selling it and buying a new dress in her size with the money you get. It doesn’t matter too much if the dress is different as she is maid of honour, often people put them in a different style or colour.

Do not tell her (you think) she needs to lose weight, that is not ok!

I actually don't think you're being unreasonable. But worse case scenario can she have a different dress as MOH?