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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

674 replies

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:34

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:58

I get what people are saying about it being silly buying the dresses so early but we were all so excited (MOH included). I obviously regret buying them now.

OP posts:
OompaLoompaa · 17/06/2022 14:59

Would you be annoyed if one of your bridesmaid gets pregnant and her dress doesn’t fit?

BaaCake · 17/06/2022 15:00

I don't think you were unreasonable to think she meant it and if you don't diet yourself you might think it's easy given how you hear of actors slimming down for roles and things like that.

I think you are unreasonable to be annoyed by it though. Unsure how to handle it, sure. But annoyed, no.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:00

OompaLoompaa · 17/06/2022 14:59

Would you be annoyed if one of your bridesmaid gets pregnant and her dress doesn’t fit?

I might be a bit annoyed at the situation but I wouldn't be angry with them, just as I'm not going to get angry at MOH.

OP posts:
TigerLilyTail · 17/06/2022 15:01

But, she's your friend. Has she ever lost the weight? Maybe you could have held off buying the MoH dress until closer to the day and just buy the bridesmaid's dresses then.

ladydimitrescu · 17/06/2022 15:01

Your wedding is literally one day, and no one else actually cares about it as much as you do.
If you want her to be in your wedding, it's up to you to find suitable dresses for your wedding party. It was daft to buy them, and you are being ridiculous to be annoyed when it's one bloody day, that no one bar you and your husband is arsed about.

BaaCake · 17/06/2022 15:02

Who has the dresses now? Could you say something like you're trying yours on now to get an idea of alterations so does she want to try hers on and let you know if she's happy with it?

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:02

TigerLilyTail · 17/06/2022 15:01

But, she's your friend. Has she ever lost the weight? Maybe you could have held off buying the MoH dress until closer to the day and just buy the bridesmaid's dresses then.

She was quite slim in her teens, put weight on at uni and then lost it, but has steadily been putting it on again over the last few years.

OP posts:
skinnythick · 17/06/2022 15:03

here’s my POV as the bridesmaid who also did this:

I said I would lose weight to get into the dress (although the dress was bought before I’d gained most of the weight) but I kept reassuring the bride that I would fit it by the time the wedding came (and I genuinely did intend to fit it).

It got closer to the wedding and bride came round to mine to show me a different bigger dress she’d bought me. I was embarrassed but she was right. I tried it on and felt relief that I didn’t have the panic of fitting into the original dress. She was nothing but kind and sweet about it and I felt guilty for the stress I must have caused her.

With hindsight I should have offered to pay for the new dress (although the situation is slightly different in that I almost fit the original dress at the time of purchase and then got bigger).

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 15:03

I think she was out of order promising to do something and then not. Yes I know it's bloody hard, but if you'd have said 'don't be silly you know you won't' then rightly you'd have for a slating. What were you supposed to say?

Friend should be footing the bill for a new dress.

Lacedwithgrace · 17/06/2022 15:04

Its her responsibility to lose the weight and whether she's choosing not to or can't lose weight, she should be upfront about it.
Maybe ask both bridesmaid's to try their dresses on every couple of months leading up to the wedding to make sure they fit and if any alterations are needed you can book them in now, hopefully that will prompt her to try it on and realise/accept it won't fit her.

GreenManalishi · 17/06/2022 15:04

Oof, I do know that it's not worth falling out with a friend that you love over an unworn frock. I think that the fattest woman in the room that will stand there and say that they WON'T lose weight so everyone can have the nice dress is a rare woman indeed.

Forgive me, but the fact that you're getting married has no bearing on her weight gain, or loss. Your wedding is the center of your world but massively less important to everyone else, even those that Iove you, who have their own stuff going on.

Tell her you don't give a sh*t about what she wears as long as she's beside you, that the dress is hers if she wants it, but she's welcome to find something alternative that she feels good in and that tones in as the maid of honour. Don't fall down the trap of losing friendships over one day, you'll need her down the line.

DorchaAndLouis · 17/06/2022 15:05

Buying a dress nearly 2 years before it's needed is very unreasonable.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:06

ladydimitrescu · 17/06/2022 15:01

Your wedding is literally one day, and no one else actually cares about it as much as you do.
If you want her to be in your wedding, it's up to you to find suitable dresses for your wedding party. It was daft to buy them, and you are being ridiculous to be annoyed when it's one bloody day, that no one bar you and your husband is arsed about.

Yes I'm aware I need to find suitable dresses, thanks for the stating the obvious. The second paragraph is really off topic but odd. Pretty sad if your family and loved ones "weren't arsed" about your wedding.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 17/06/2022 15:06

If losing weight was easy then we’d all be super slim. If you had asked her to dye her hair a certain colour and she hadn’t bothered that would be one thing, but weight is a much more difficult prospect even with the best will in the world.

I think you’re going to have to bite the bullet and have a chat with her. Ask her if she’d like to buy her own outfit and have you sell the dress. The most important thing is having your friend happy and sharing your day. As the MOH she could have a different style/colour of dress without spoiling the photos. So I’d try abd facilitate that instead.

AStar98 · 17/06/2022 15:06

You're seriously expecting someone to change their body for you. For one day of your life? Get a grip.

Side stepping what your friend promised, why you even set your expectations that high is beyond belief.

If she's maid of honour then why couldn't she have a slightly different dress in the first place?!

And THIS is why I hate weddings 🙄

Adamantspants · 17/06/2022 15:06

I think you are in a very unfair position.Your friend actually found the dresses to begin with, when you voiced discreetly the fact that they only go up to a certain size she assured you that was ok and she would lose the weight. How could you win there?

You don't buy the dresses and tell her..ohhh lets get something else because there is no way you are going to lose that weight.

Or you do buy the dresses and take her at her word that she will.

Absolutely no win situation for you.

I don't think you are a cow at all, would be different if you wanted her to lose weight for the photo's or something horrible like this but this is going to cost you a fortune at a time when money is probably tight with the expense of a wedding.

Crap situation for all concerned.

skinnythick · 17/06/2022 15:07

ps she also very kindly gave me the original dress a couple of years later once I was back at that weight and I still have it!

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:07

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 15:03

I think she was out of order promising to do something and then not. Yes I know it's bloody hard, but if you'd have said 'don't be silly you know you won't' then rightly you'd have for a slating. What were you supposed to say?

Friend should be footing the bill for a new dress.

Thank you!!! That's exactly the point I made above. "No I don't think you'll do it so we'll get something bigger". That really would make me sound like a cow.

OP posts:
Heronatemygoldfish · 17/06/2022 15:08

I'd find a seamstress/tailor who came recommended and who was willing to alter it, and some matching material, and be ready for Plan B if it was needed. Have a word with your friend, and give a date for fitting that allows time for the alterations. If she doesn't manage it, no big deal, and plan B kicks in.

Sizing is always a nightmare, even when you are the dressmaker. I had one BM who was a size 12 and another who said she was an 18 but that turned out to be a generous clothes shop 18, and standard measurement-wise she was actually a 22! And I'd bought enough fabric for the 18... I had to be very inventive with the pattern placement and managed somehow to get the 22 to work. Dunno what I'd have done if I'd made the 18 and only then discovered the size issue. I was the only person who lost weight despite only making my dress a couple of weeks beforehand, and it was a bit baggy! Shock

OystercatchersPaddling · 17/06/2022 15:09

When my sister chose her bridesmaid dresses, they went up to size 16. I knew I’d never fit into it, so I purchased an extra dress. A seamstress put a small bit of the spare dress into my dress, to make it bigger. You would never have known it had been altered, and I didn’t have any stress of having to be a certain size for her wedding.

Is that an option?

iwanttobeasquare · 17/06/2022 15:09

OP I have a fun prediction! You and this girl will not be friends in 10 years time. Sod off with pressuring her to lose weight. Let her get any dress she wants and be grateful she's part of your day and leave her alone.

Original poster
scj96 · 17/06/2022 15:09

AStar98 · 17/06/2022 15:06

You're seriously expecting someone to change their body for you. For one day of your life? Get a grip.

Side stepping what your friend promised, why you even set your expectations that high is beyond belief.

If she's maid of honour then why couldn't she have a slightly different dress in the first place?!

And THIS is why I hate weddings 🙄

Sorry did you not actually read what I wrote properly? I didn't "expect" her to do anything - it was all at her suggestion, so what should I have done, told her I didn't think she'd do it?

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 17/06/2022 15:10

It's quite easy to be blase about losing weight when you've got lots of time to do it........ but she should have been honest.

I'd sell the dress and find her an alternative.

Cheerybigbottom · 17/06/2022 15:10

Yanbu

I did this, as the maid of honour I said yeah but the dress that is going out of stock and only available in 2 sizes smaller than my size. I will def fit into it.

Well, the month before my friends wedding was hellish as I tried to slim into the dress (I did, but it was horrible work).

It was wrong of your maid of honour to make the promise. All that can be done is a chat about what to do now, because you don't want to leave it last minute to either fit into the dress or buy one (and find a style you like). Phrase it like it won't matter if maid of honour wears a diff dress if she's finding it hard to fit into it, but that you haven't got budget for another so need to sell what you have and hit the sales.