AIBU to start tough love with DC5 re food

[Twocrabs20]

So, I have a DC, 5 years old.

On advice from various professionals, I did baby led weaning, I have offered healthy food at meals, and while they eat some food:

• many types of fruit


• some protein such as eggs, pork sausage and bolognaise sauce - they won’t however eat fish or any seafood products or chicken; and


• a range of carbs.

They simply won’t eat any vegetables and are extremely fussy, which is starting to impact the eating habits of their younger sibling - who does enjoy a wide range of foods.

I feel like I have reached a point of something has to change; and NOW, that this habit / power game of refusing perfectly pleasant child friendly meals has got to stop. My DC is overweight for their age (not massively, but enough), and they can’t be getting the nutrients they need to be their best self. And I feel like I’m failing DC.

None of the suggestions by the various dieticians / nurses / paediatric consultants as to how to get them into eating vegetables has worked. I have tried every suggestion under the sun, including: I have grown stacks of vegetables they will pick but won’t eat; DC will cook vegetables with me and not eat the vegetables; and DC won’t ‘taste’ any of the vegetables even in small portions.

We have continued scenes of DC having tantrums that they don’t want any vegetables on their plate, even though I explain the vegetable has to remain on their plate, even if they don’t eat it. But I encourage DC to taste it, but not to take it off.

AIBU to now start some ‘tough love’ in now forcing DC to eat some vegetables or some part of our family meals which is beyond carbs and pork / bolognaise.

I dread doing this, and I don’t even know how to do tough love with eating - save for perhaps having a stand off with DC that you can’t leave the table unless you eat / taste said vegetable or re-serving any uneaten meal at the next meal, so they can’t wait for something better to come along. However my sense is the whole ‘they’ll come round to eating vegetables eventually’ simply isn’t going to happen; unless I take some significant action now.

My DC is increasingly becoming more overweight, and I think their poor diet will have impacts with their socialisation at school, ability to learn, and be the best version of themselves.

If anyone has got to the point of ‘tough love’ re food, what did you do, and were you successful in changing your child’s habit?

How do you propose to "force" them to eat something they don't want to?

I'd just ignore it. Keep on serving a varied diet, make no fuss over what they eat. It sounds like they're eating a reasonable range of foods so they won't starve or be malnourished!

If you're worried about their nutritional intake give them a multivitamin.

If you're worried they're overweight increase their activity levels but do not make a big deal of it.

5 is still very young. I ate only bread, cheese, potatoes, and fruit at 5. I'm now 40 odd, vegan, and eat a really varied and good diet!

I really wouldn't do the tough love thing.

I would limit the portions of carbs somewhat and if they say they are hungy offer vegetables in an attractive form such as courgette fritters or roasted vegetables.

I assume you have tried home made vegetable soup? You can hide a lot of veg in that. Gazpacho in this heat! Tell him it's for adults only and he might want to taste some.

save for perhaps having a stand off with DC that you can’t leave the table unless you eat / taste said vegetable or re-serving any uneaten meal at the next meal, so they can’t wait for something better to come along

Please do not do either of these things.
How many times would re-serve the uneaten meal?

I don't think a tough love approach is a good one when it comes to something like food. You may force disordered eating later in life and your DC may develop bad connections with eating certain foods like vegetables if they're made to eat/try some before they can leave the table. I would keep offering vegetables for meals but not make a big deal if they decide not to eat it. BigLittleFeelings has some helpful advice on their Instagram page.

If you're concerned about your child's weight, limit the unhealthy things (if that is the issue) and maybe take them to a class like swimming or gymnastics where they can burn off some energy.

They’re not overweight because they’re not eating vegetables
theyre overweight because they’re eating too much.

slowly reduce the portion sizes of everything else, cut out all snacks (eventually leave only vegetables as an option for snacks, like carrot sticks)

and get them moving more.

then you can consider forcing vegetables if you feel you still need to. I would personally just ‘hide’ them in sauces and try avoid the fight tbh at this point

Lack of vegetables is not what is making your child overweight. Reduce portion sizes, cut all treats and processed foods, increase exercise.

They have refused all forms of soup since 12 months old.
If I put any basic vegetables in noodles with scrambled egg (like thin peeled carrot slices, or sweet corn) they will refuse that meal entirely.
A food such as courgette fritters would be considered unknown and untrustworthy and refused on first sight. Roasted vegetable is still a vegetable and so definitely not acceptable to DC.

My 4 nearly 5 year old doesn't love vegetables either. He will eat sweetcorn, potatoes, carrots and spinach. I hide vegetables in sauces and he seems to like mixed vegetables (the frozen packs) rather than fresh. You are offering them but you can't forcefeed him. If he's getting overweight that won't be due to simply not eating vegetables! Cut out unhealthy snacks and increase activity levels. Don't make this the hill you die on.

The only meal i hide vegetables in is bolognaise with excessive amounts of thin grated carrot. But we’re I to add other types in bolognaise such as courgette or mushroom they would see such vegetable on first inspection of meal and refuse the meal in its entirety too

No! Don’t do the tough approaches. That is psychologically damaging.
Being overweight is simply from eating too much, so just reduce portion size. You can get overweight eating 100% healthy food with lots of veg.

I have a DC with autism who is a very fussy eater and it is impossible to have a completely balanced diet. I simply got gummie multi-vitamins for them to take so at least they would not be vitamin or mineral deficient. Other than that, just have to ensure right number carbs to fats to sugars and fibre. Meal times should be enjoyable experiences, do not turn it into a battlefield of wills.

DS2 is incredibly fussy (some sen needs, so I think a lot of it is a smell/texture thing for him).

He has a very small range of foods that he eats. If he doesn’t want some variation of what we are having, his choice is a healthy cereal or a pb and j sandwich. No drama either way.

I’ll always offer him something of what we’re having to try - 99% of the time it’s a no, but occasionally he’ll try it.

He takes good quality multivits and an iron supplement. Both DH and so were exactly the same as kids and now eat pretty normally. At some point I’m sure he’ll be the same, but for now it’s not worth making everyone’s life harder by trying to force him to eat!

Forcing food never works and makes reluctant or fussy eaters even worse. It can also cause eating disorders and just isn't a nice process generally.

They have pretty good activity levels IMO. Swimming, gymnastics, regular enough walks, outdoor play with nursery etc. I really do think it is food which is the issue

What you're proposing isn't "tough love". It isn't any form of love. It's force-feeding, which is abusive and counter-productive.

You need to separate the two issues - the limited diet in terms of vegetables and nutrients, and the weight problem. You can tackle them separately - adding vegetables to the diet won't alleviate obesity in any case. You need to serve fewer calories, without resorting to low-fat diet foods which are generally quite processed and less appropriate for children anyway. Fewer refined carbs is a good place to start.

The vegetable aversion needs to be handled with patience, perseverence and absolutely no bullying or force of any kind. I know it's frustrating, but you just have to keep going with the approaches you're trying - growing and picking veg, learning about it, encouraging the DC to prepare it and taste it and tolerate it being on the plate. It can take a long time for any improvement to show. Your proposal of using force, creating stand-offs, presenting cold, nasty rejected food at the next meal - these are abusive practices, and the only thing they will achieve is an anxious, resentful child who not only hates vegetables but you as well.

I would not do any of your tough love ideas. It is likely to make the problem worse.

Try steth vegetables- pureed and hidden. So pureed carrots "hidden" in a tomato sauce or bolognaise, courgettes hidden in cake, beetroot hidden in chocolate brownies. Trick is to start small - small amounts of veg, then slowly increase over time.

Tough love doesn't work fighting with them doesn't work , this isn't a war for you to win , offer food they will eat stop trying to hide veg in things they know and it only upsets everyone . There must be veg or fruit they do like offer those and ignore the rest.

If you want to hide veg in sauces/bolognaise, use a stick blender. Cook the passata/tomatoes with the shredded veg, then blend it all smooth before you add the meat.

They refused gunmie multivitamins in the past but I can retry again as it has been some time since I last offered

The forcing is quite likely to make this more of a war. I think bribery is also not the way to go. Food becomes either a treat or a punishment and neither is a good basis for healthy eating.

I have a nutri ninja so for Bolognese I throw in red pepper, fresh tomatoes, carrots and onions for example.

If there is any veg they eat, just go with it. The diet you describe is not the worst. It's a good basis to build on. But do that with thier buy in.

Why is your child overweight?Are they eating high carb,lots of sugary foods.Do they take a packed lunch to school if so what do they eat then?Difficult to say without knowing how much they eat on a daily basis.

stealth vegetables

Have you tried not putting veg on thier plate at all and giving only a small portion of what they do like? And not over compensating for the lack of veg with extra main iyswim. SO DC can see that they have less than everyone else.

Taste any/all multivitamins yourself as well. Some are truly horrid tasting or gritty.

I've had 3 fussy eaters, I was a fussy eater and am married to a fussy eater so I've never forced the DCs to eat.
I gradually tried more things as I grew up and now eat most things with a couple of strong aversions.
DH wasn't given much variety growing up and still struggles with some textures but has expanded his diet hugely as an adult. Drinks smoothies to get fruit and veg.
DC 1 - ate everything as a baby, then quite fussy. Student budget meant he tried lots more things and also now eats a lot of vegan food as his girlfriend is vegan.
DC 2 - Good diet as a baby. Autistic so likes repetition. Textures can be a problem.
DC 3 - good diet as a baby. Became fussy. Developed eating issues as a teenager. Now a bit more adventurous especially with friends.

I would just keep offering favourites and new things and cut down on anything sugary if you can.