AIBU to start tough love with DC5 re food

[Twocrabs20]

So, I have a DC, 5 years old.

On advice from various professionals, I did baby led weaning, I have offered healthy food at meals, and while they eat some food:

• many types of fruit


• some protein such as eggs, pork sausage and bolognaise sauce - they won’t however eat fish or any seafood products or chicken; and


• a range of carbs.

They simply won’t eat any vegetables and are extremely fussy, which is starting to impact the eating habits of their younger sibling - who does enjoy a wide range of foods.

I feel like I have reached a point of something has to change; and NOW, that this habit / power game of refusing perfectly pleasant child friendly meals has got to stop. My DC is overweight for their age (not massively, but enough), and they can’t be getting the nutrients they need to be their best self. And I feel like I’m failing DC.

None of the suggestions by the various dieticians / nurses / paediatric consultants as to how to get them into eating vegetables has worked. I have tried every suggestion under the sun, including: I have grown stacks of vegetables they will pick but won’t eat; DC will cook vegetables with me and not eat the vegetables; and DC won’t ‘taste’ any of the vegetables even in small portions.

We have continued scenes of DC having tantrums that they don’t want any vegetables on their plate, even though I explain the vegetable has to remain on their plate, even if they don’t eat it. But I encourage DC to taste it, but not to take it off.

AIBU to now start some ‘tough love’ in now forcing DC to eat some vegetables or some part of our family meals which is beyond carbs and pork / bolognaise.

I dread doing this, and I don’t even know how to do tough love with eating - save for perhaps having a stand off with DC that you can’t leave the table unless you eat / taste said vegetable or re-serving any uneaten meal at the next meal, so they can’t wait for something better to come along. However my sense is the whole ‘they’ll come round to eating vegetables eventually’ simply isn’t going to happen; unless I take some significant action now.

My DC is increasingly becoming more overweight, and I think their poor diet will have impacts with their socialisation at school, ability to learn, and be the best version of themselves.

If anyone has got to the point of ‘tough love’ re food, what did you do, and were you successful in changing your child’s habit?

It's more likely to be food than exercise causing the weight issue - agree with PP - cut back the food portions and get to a healthy weight. That's more important than veg.

I know plenty of people who wouldn't eat veg until they got older. My DS1 is one. Salad dodger until he turned 10. Now he's fine. Still dislikes some things but so does everyone.

Don't worry too much and don't make a fuss.

I've been where you are and let me tell you there is literally no point in making mealtimes into a battle. No point. It won't improve anything and it will make you both miserable. It's worth than just carrying on as you are.

My DS is 7 and he is very slightly improving in that he will usually at least TRY new food now but he still basically sticks to the same four meals. I always give him a bit of what we have too but 9/10 he doesn't eat it. He has a multivitamin and he eats fruit (for veg he will only eat cucumber and very reluctantly carrots or broccoli). I can't do much else. I can't force feed him.

He has two very foodie parents and I cook everything from scratch. And please don't listen to people who like to say "Oh in X culture kids aren't fussy because they all eat at the table together/have fresh food from scratch etc etc". I am half Italian, half Spanish, and let me tell you there are PLENTY of fussy Italian and Spanish kids. My sister was one. She basically wouldn't eat anything except bread and plain pasta until she was about 11.

Absolutely this ⬆️

Don't do it

My ds is now 18 and has a restrictive diet even now
We tried all sorts and the forced feeding etc just did not work and made things worse
My ds still doesn't eat beg but does eat fruit and only has certain safe foods like chicken and pizza that he will eat
Despite this he has never been overweight as portion size has always been appropriate plus he is very sporty
We gave him a multi vitamin as well , but he is now 6ft and doing ok but I do still worry about his nutrition but we found more relaxed way and he tried and ate more

Just seen your DC is overweight. I have the opposite problem with mine - he eats so little he's teetering on underweight.

For three or four years my friend's dd would only eat:
White bread (no butter)
Cucumber
Mayonnaise

She did drink milk.
She grew out of it and was on a completely normal diet by the end of primary school.
It did stress them though, at the time.

I agree with others its not lack of veg thats causing weight issues its portion sizes of other foods , if they suddenly ate veg they wouldn't loose weight magically
My ds has never been overweight despite not touching any veg since age 3 , in fact been closer to being underweight

As an adult who experenced 'tough love' over food - being force fed, being kept at the table until I ate it, being served the same plated meal over and over, being slapped if I spat it out, being made to hold my vomit in my mouth and swallow it again.....

DONT DO THIS.

Don't even do a milder version of it where you bargain and bully the child into having 'just a bite then you can get down' - do you know what that does?

Firstly it makes being at the table an aversive experience.
Secondly, the reward there is relief, and is associated with going AWAY from the table.

So you're doubling down on making the table and mealtimes a vile nasty thing AND making 'away from the table' associated with relief and comparably, good things.

Offer food you know they will eat - bung dinner and any dessert on the table.
Offer a selection of foods they might like - on a different plate.

Say nothing. Not a thing. Not a word. Zip it. Shuttup.

Let them eat what they want of what is there. When they say they are full let them leave the table.

If there are left overs that are salvageable then that is what is offered should they be hungry later, as long as there is still something you know they consider safe and will eat of course. So if they do need another go at it, same deal, set out plates, put food out, leave them to it.

A someone mentioned up thread, it takes many, 100, more maybe for some, instances of seeing that food, touching it, sniffing it, licking it, feeling safe to taste and spit out, feeling safe to explore it, and then actually eating it multiple times, before that food is really SAFE.

Some foods will only ever be 'iffy' and will be accepted sometimes and not others - thats fine, thats ok. Some days I can eat bacon, some days I will vomit at the thought. It's not that much of an extension from some days you fancy a particular food and some days you don't, its a touch more extreme but not TOTALLY out there!

And as others seem to have picked up on...

GRATING food into a sauce is not hiding it. Blend, buy a stick blender or nutribullet type blender and use it. If they can see the veg in there, it isn't hidden is it!

With a bullet or stick blender you can hide mushrooms, courgettes, carrots, lentils, peas, beans, sweetcorn - as long as you don't go so crazy on it that you change the texture, you can hide a LOT of veg.

The only other thing I would add is to let your children see YOU eating properly - again, don't discuss it, don't offer any, just eat. properly. in front of them.

I read about this scheme tiny tastes in a very good book (First Bite by Bee Wilson). The tiny tastes is all about the child being in control and repeatedly being exposed to and eventually tasting a tiny piece of the food they are averse to.
It would be worth reading the book - it's all about the psychology around eating and why people develop into fussy eaters and it's an entertaining, easy book to read.

I'm inclined to agree @WeAreBob

Seems to be a British/US thing.

Many years ago I read an article that I used with great success on dd3 who was becoming a fussy eater (she is now 18 and the most broad taste of all my 4)

The basic of the article was not to make a fight out of it but to make an expectation

So dinner would be served and on the plate there would be some vegetables (not over the top but some) conversation happens and chatter -it is important for the family to eat together btw to show what others do) then as say the peas are being left you point at the peas and say " don't forget to eat your peas" then focus OFF the child and back to conversation.. continue this over a period of time no comment if they are not eaten and no comment fi they ARE eaten but make the expectation of " this will be eaten" after a while they begin to taste and eat as they realise this is the expected.

DO NOT praise if they taste a new vegetable (its not anything special its simply expected we try new things) Do not compare to other in the family just lead by example of eating yourself. do not focus on the child if they tantrum or begin to whinge focus off the food focus ON the family spending time together.

it worked soo well for us. ALso took any sensation off stress out of the dinner situation and eating together was a pleasure again.

I don't know if this will help but my DS was the same about 5yo. He's not overweight but had a bad habit of not eating any veggies. He can stomach a banana or an apple but that's as far as it went. I spoke to a professional who said that getting them to try things was half the battle, and to try the pasta jars.
We got two empty glass jars and painted loads of pasta pieces in different colours and patterns. We filled one jar and left the other empty. Each time DS would try a new food he could put a piece of pasta into the empty jar and when it was full he would get either a treat/small toy/favourite meal etc whatever you decide. I was apprehensive but it actually worked and the more he tried the more he discovered he liked. If that fails, if he likes tomato pasta, Tesco do a small tomato pasta sauce that has hidden veggies blended in which I also use for my DCs and they can't tell the difference. We also make smoothies and he chooses what to put in, the best one we've made yet had strawberries, bananas, raspberry yoghurt and milk blended and he loved it. And honestly he would never try anything like that before.
Wishing you all the best!

Slightly different issue here as my 6YO is tall for her age and so is slightly underweight, and has been the same way since she was born.

She has a dairy allergy so that already restricts us somewhat but in the last year she’s been ridiculously picky. I was stumped because my elder two have always just eaten anything.

No vegetables or salad at all, but eats a lot of fruit. Hardly any sweet treats because frankly they’re expensive to buy.

I just kept serving her things even though I knew she wouldn’t eat them. On a separate plate. Next to her meal. Didn’t say a word. Didn’t discuss any of it with her.

For about 10 months, nothing changed.

In the last 6 weeks, she now eats

• cucumber
• peppers
• sweetcorn
• carrots

Only small amounts, but it’s huge progress.

I used to pulse peppers and carrots in the blender to match head size. Once cooked down in bolognese they are undetectable. You could always try hidden veg muffins
www.myfussyeater.com/secret-veggie-muffins/

Mine are all grown up now but getting them to eat a good range of foods was something I never quite got right. I wish I had known about this

www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/resources-and-links-for-the-public/

I like vegetables but hate chunky sauces, so what I do with bolegnase is blend it all until it’s very fine and then mix that into the sauce. It’s almost unnoticeable that way. (Speaking as someone who can otherwise detect the tiniest chunks of mushroom in a dish).

A really sensible approach @Enko

Are you 100% sure there's nothing else to it? My DS is very restricted and his main thing is he hates food mixed, e.g. he'll eat spaghetti bol but only with the spaghetti separated and no sauce. He drove me mad when he was younger refusing to eat so many different meals. Turns out a lot of it was due to the sensory issues around mixed foods. He still only eats foods he deems safe. He's on the autistic spectrum and also has sensory issues. I'm just saying be careful because 5 is still so young and you don't want to give him eating fears etc for the rest of his life.

have you looked at “Solid Starts” on Instagram. Fabulous lady began this during lockdown. It began due to her child’s picky eating. Although it’s initially aimed at weaning, I’m sure there’s a load of info for the bigger kids - hers aren’t babies.
great info there - really recommend looking at this

Do not force anything you could give your child an eating disorder. Just leave them be and let them eat what they want for goodness sake

Take the pancake out of the lunchbox, and offer less fruit and veg in it.

Your child will eat the pancake first, and be overwhelmed by the variety of different stuff in there.

Keep it simple for now!

Lots of good advice OP, I can only add that I agree forcing a child to eat will be counter productive. However, enabling a child to eat badly can be stopped. I’m not necessarily saying that you do this, but I know parents who have continually set rules about eating the main before dessert and then always give in. They’re the same with bedtimes etc, where their child will never go to bed but is allowed to watch to etc, so of course they won’t.

My own approach was that if the main meal was rejected, that was ok but the only alternative was an apple. And subsequently, if they were hungry later, more fruit was offered. Dd isn’t great with all vegetables even at 13 but she will eat many. Salad is a disaster, carrots only really. But isn’t fight it, I’m fussy too and as she gets older you do realise you won’t be able to ‘force’ anything without looking very hypocritical! We just add more veg to our plates and sometimes others,to keep encouraging her to try.

DS 2 however, loves fruit and veg but likes things clearly separated so he can see what they are. Mild processing issues.

No amount of forcing him will make him do anything other than gag.

Please don't do tough love or tough anything at mealtimes, OP.

My son is the same age and only eats olives, crisps, birthday cake and chicken nuggets. He will eat tomato ketchup with the nuggets and sometimes on its own (i.e. in a bowl with a spoon). He's thriving and is never ill. He's also been diagnosed with ARFID.

Some DC who are "picky" actually struggle with the consistency of food, especially veggies and fruit where no two are ever quite identical. We get around this by giving him those Ella pouches, although he will only eat one type (and only if we reward it). Smoothies might be good too - we don't because DS can't tolerate the noise of the blender (ASC).

You are going to give him a complex around food - DC definitely should not associate mealtimes with stress or conflict. A Mexican stand off over a bowl of carrots is not going to help him eat a more varied diet. Breezily getting on with your own meal is the best option, along with waiting for him to probably grow out of it.

We do reward DS for trying new foods. I like @hellobeautifulsoul 's jar idea.

My DD was exactly the same as yours at that age. We went with giving her choice. I would basically cook her safe foods, whilst we ate a varied and normal diet. I never commented good or bad about her foods.

We cooked together, shopped together, watched food programmes together and I started introducing some of what we have on her plate, so if we have spag bol, she would have pasta and cheese with a small spoonful of the mince on the side of her plate, with the motto "you don't have to eat it"

Little by little her diet has improved. She's 10 now and whilst it's not perfect, it's lots better. She eats roast dinners, lasagne, fish of most kinds, sausages, burgers. Veg is still hard but she has one or two that she likes so we serve those regularly.

Also I would try offering things that are a variation of a safe food. They like bolognaise so try lasagne, or cottage pie.

So I would say don't force, do the opposite. Take the pressure off, just cook good healthy food, make no comments, offer food and let them get there. If they are getting over weight reduce portions, and snacking and increase their exercise.