AIBU to start tough love with DC5 re food

[Twocrabs20]

So, I have a DC, 5 years old.

On advice from various professionals, I did baby led weaning, I have offered healthy food at meals, and while they eat some food:

• many types of fruit


• some protein such as eggs, pork sausage and bolognaise sauce - they won’t however eat fish or any seafood products or chicken; and


• a range of carbs.

They simply won’t eat any vegetables and are extremely fussy, which is starting to impact the eating habits of their younger sibling - who does enjoy a wide range of foods.

I feel like I have reached a point of something has to change; and NOW, that this habit / power game of refusing perfectly pleasant child friendly meals has got to stop. My DC is overweight for their age (not massively, but enough), and they can’t be getting the nutrients they need to be their best self. And I feel like I’m failing DC.

None of the suggestions by the various dieticians / nurses / paediatric consultants as to how to get them into eating vegetables has worked. I have tried every suggestion under the sun, including: I have grown stacks of vegetables they will pick but won’t eat; DC will cook vegetables with me and not eat the vegetables; and DC won’t ‘taste’ any of the vegetables even in small portions.

We have continued scenes of DC having tantrums that they don’t want any vegetables on their plate, even though I explain the vegetable has to remain on their plate, even if they don’t eat it. But I encourage DC to taste it, but not to take it off.

AIBU to now start some ‘tough love’ in now forcing DC to eat some vegetables or some part of our family meals which is beyond carbs and pork / bolognaise.

I dread doing this, and I don’t even know how to do tough love with eating - save for perhaps having a stand off with DC that you can’t leave the table unless you eat / taste said vegetable or re-serving any uneaten meal at the next meal, so they can’t wait for something better to come along. However my sense is the whole ‘they’ll come round to eating vegetables eventually’ simply isn’t going to happen; unless I take some significant action now.

My DC is increasingly becoming more overweight, and I think their poor diet will have impacts with their socialisation at school, ability to learn, and be the best version of themselves.

If anyone has got to the point of ‘tough love’ re food, what did you do, and were you successful in changing your child’s habit?

We batch cook bolognaise sauce and it is packed with veg, none of which can be seen. Cook your veg first - we Chuck in courgettes, carrots, celery, tinned tomatoes, red peppers for sweetness. Onions etc. blitz it to a thick soup consistency. Then cook your meat and then combine.

There must be veg or fruit they do like offer those and ignore the rest.

As mentioned they will eat some fruits. Other than bolognaise sauce they won’t eat a single vegetable. Won’t eat tomatoes or onions or carrots cooked in a different way to bolognaise sauce.

I have a 4.5 year old similarly fussy veg refuser although he's not overweight (recently thought he was looking thinner and checked his BMI which came out at 27th centile). Randomly he absolutely loves chilli. I leave out the beans, cut right down on the spice and add loads of extra veg to the BBC good food recipe. I use the food processor to chop it so tiny that it basically just breaks down as it cooks and you can't see it, and I put in onions, carrot, celery, peppers, garlic and a handful of red lentils. I do the same with the onion, carrot and celery in Bolognese.

When I have added red peppers to bolognaise DC has declared it is yuck and refuses to eat the whole meal. Same with lentils for more protein / complex carbs.
I could probably add celery to the sauce without them noticing.

How does your bolognese only have carrot?

I make the sauce with garlic, onions, chopped tomatoes, carrots, beetroot and musgrooms. Cooked then blended then add to the mince and let the mince cook etc.

There are a couple of websites I really like for fussy children recipes - My Fussy Eater, and My Kids Lick the Bowl. Some recipes with hidden veg in there, might be good for inspiration.

Please don’t do tough love/forcing. I was a picky child and can still remember sitting at the table crying long after the rest of the family had left the table, and gagging over a single piece of cold broccoli. I’m a vegetarian now and actually don’t mind broccoli 🤣

Does DC like pasta? For my vegetable-sceptic, carb loving kids, I make pasta sauce- red/tomato sauce with tomato, peppers, courgette, onion and mushrooms blended into it and white/cheese sauce with cauliflower and butternut squash blended into it. They love it!
Can also use the same red sauce as a pizza sauce on bases or flour tortillas then sprinkled with cheese.

Will DC take a chewable multi-vitamin?

Will he eat beans and pulses?

What about mashed sweet potato instead of potato?

"Tough love" won't work. Step back, stop panicking. Make vegetables and new foods available but don't push them or make any comment if they aren't eaten.

Most children go through the phase. The best way to make sure it lasts as long as possible is to make it a battle.

Can even make sweet muffins with veggies in like chocolate beetroot muffins or avocado brownies, courgette muffins etc.

YabVU

They aren't over weight because of a LACK of veg, but because of what else they're eating. At 5 that's on you. Instead you're proposing sitting at the table for hours at a time and then having reheated vegetables the next day because suddenly eating carrots and courgettes will make them not over weight and its all their fault they're fat for not eating them.

That's not how weight gain works.

I don’t think I’d FORCE your DC to eat anything as that is more likely to entrench the view that veggies are a punishment.

My DCs have always been decent with veggies but will go off them every now and then. I think the main thing in your case is to keep things light and casual, but also not give alternatives. I.e., don’t always make meals your DC will like, but don’t force them to eat either. They won’t die from going to bed hungry a few times. Sometimes if my DCs reeeeally haven’t eaten enough in the day I’ll offer something healthy like an apple or some plain yogurt before bed, but I make an effort not to offer alternatives at dinner. Whining is largely ignored.

A few other strategies:

• Build veg into things they like. If you’re making bolognese, add lentils, mushrooms, and extra tomatoes. If you’re making lasagna, go light on the cheese and do half pasta, half thinly sliced courgette. Mac and cheese: do half cauliflower and add peas.


• START meals with a veg, when they’re most hungry. My DCs were starving last night but I told them our tortellini “wasn’t ready yet”, so they each gulped down 2 bowls of spinach soup before the main (…and then barely touched the main). My 5yo DD and 3yo DS feel very grown up when I let them serve their own soup from a giant bowl in the centre of the table. They’ll fill their bowls and I’ll say “stooop!!! You’ll never eat that much soup! Stop being the soup monster! Leave some for me!” (I’ll add in some fake wailing). Then they are desperate to prove to me how much spinach or butternut squash soup they can eat. They also love serving their own salad, and drizzling on olive oil by themselves. I always make sure to look extra impressed. Sometimes we FaceTime the DGPs or aunties to demonstrate our salad serving and salad eating skills


• Use reverse psychology and make it a game. I’ll put a giant bowl of brocoli in front of them at the table, not look at the DCs, and say to my DH “Papa, this brocoli is for us. DO NOT let the children have any. It’s too good and I don’t want to share. I’m just going to go back into the kitchen for a minute. If I come back and see that they are eating brocoli I’ll be VERY ANGRY!!!” Of course, they then stuff their faces with brocoli squealing with delight


• Buy interesting veggies. I sometimes buy brocoli with extra long stalks, and we pretend they’re lollipops. I also buy Asian Long Beans, which don’t taste as good as French beans but can be braided, can be made into a wig by my 3yo before being eaten (ewwww), can be slurped up like spaghetti… I try to teach my DCs good table manners, but they know that they get a free pass to be silly with veggies, which makes veggies fun rather than a chore


• Send lots of veg to school, where again, they won’t have alternatives (but you also won’t be around to have to listen to whining). My DD eats all sorts of things when she’s hungry at lunch, that she’d leave on her plate if I tried to serve with dinner. About 30% of the time, the vegetables in her lunch box come back home, but most of the time she eats them. She has a bento box with 5 slots. The slots are always 1) leftovers from previous night’s main meal (protein and carb) 2) mini sweet peppers or cherry tomatoes, 3) green beans or brocoli, 4) chia seed pudding, 5) raisins, sweet dried cranberries, or dates


• When all else fails, get good at saying “well, sweetie, I don’t know what to say. This veggie stew is what we have for dinner tonight. This is what the family is eating. If you really don’t want it, that’s fine, but there unfortunately isn’t anything else, so I guess you’ll need to wait until breakfast.”

I would refuse those meals too.

Don't your DC like any form of fruit? Not even one? What about yogurts with fruit in as a starting point?

Carrots in with mash all together? Bit of veg in the mince in shepards pie? Or try blending veg in meals so a pasta sauce add the veg in also. Be patient it's difficult to change your eating habits.

My nephew is very similar to this with his good choices - partly due to sensory issues, partly disproportionately scared of unknown stuff (incl food) & partly because he's a super-taster so a lot of veg tastes horribly bitter to him. He's 6 now & has started eating a few of the sweeter veg (carrots & sweetcorn) but nothing green. He gets small portions of the things he won't try on a plate next to his but there's no point forcing him as he just won't eat it. Fruit & veg are both good sources of fibre, vitamins & minerals so just make sure your DC is getting plenty of fruit and keep carbs & snacks under control.

Do not force them to eat anything. It will not work. Continue to offer veg, especially things like carrotts cucumber etc. Also offer fruit. Maybe do a starter of fruit and crudités when you know they are hungry. If you’re not doing so already sit and eat with them and chat, don’t make the food an issue, just put it in front of them and let them see you eat it. Yes also give a multivitamin and if you’re worried about weight, cut out all snacks between meals and puddings (except fruit and maybe occasional treats).

I used to blitz veg like pp so my fussy dc didn't know. It is very stressful to deal with but I do think you need to take the fight out of it, little kids have very little control in their lives so sometimes they focus on the 1 thing they can control which is food.

You cook a balanced meal. Either they eat it or they don't. No fuss. No alternative. Make sure there's something on their plate that they do like, but don't give them a massive portion of just that IYSWIM.
Initially, I'd make sure that every other meal is one you know they'll eat and as time goes on, you can decrease the 'safe' meals and increase the balanced meals.
As they're overweight I'm assuming that they're not starving and have got used to turning down veg and eating junk instead?
Tough love. But be consistent. If they go to be hungry, it's not the end of the world.

There’s a great kids’ dietician on Instagram called Kidseatincolor who has a special online picky eaters’ course - might be worth looking into

These are some sample of morning tea and lunch that I send my child off to nursery. I only add carrot sticks - never eaten. If I added olives or cucumber or red pepper stick it would also be uneaten. Hence I try and include veg at dinner. Entirely uneaten.

Thank you @Rainallnight. I will look up that picky eaters online course. I appreciate your suggestion.

I know it's a risk, but would he drink green smoothie?

Apple juice or milk blended with mango and a handful of spinach. You cant taste the spinach because of the strong mango flavour. Anymore than a handful and you will though so careful.

If he wont try a green drink then put it in a cup with a straw which are opaque so he cant see it. Tell him it is a sweet mango milkshake.

Op having read around this subject the forcing them is completely the opposite of evidence based approach.

All the major studies on children and vegetables and fussy eating show that you are best off doing as you have been

Food goes on the table they don't choose what they are served but they choose what they eat

I am telling yoi from experience do not turn meal times into a tense battle ground. All thst will happen is your child will begin to dread mealtimes as will you.

Am I right in thinking that they eat both those meals ('morning tea' and 'lunch') in addition to breakfast and dinner?
If so, that's way too much for for their age. A morning snack should be a piece of fruit OR a yogurt OR a biscuit, not a full meal. One of those meals for lunch looks about right.
(Apologies if I've misunderstood)

Sorry if I confused. My bolognaise has tomato, onion, garlic, herbs etc and I add loads of carrot as this is a veg I can hide. But If I offered a slice of tomato roe little tomato, it would be refused

Unfortunately v normal for children to avoid veg. My 8 year old eats not only no veg but has never eaten fruit in her life. She is being assessed for autism.

She is fine. Pale and slim but bright and has plenty of energy.

I blend veg into meatball sauce or bolagnase. She sometimes eat carrot sticks She She drinks orange juice. That is it for fruit and veg !