AIBU to start tough love with DC5 re food

[Twocrabs20]

So, I have a DC, 5 years old.

On advice from various professionals, I did baby led weaning, I have offered healthy food at meals, and while they eat some food:

• many types of fruit


• some protein such as eggs, pork sausage and bolognaise sauce - they won’t however eat fish or any seafood products or chicken; and


• a range of carbs.

They simply won’t eat any vegetables and are extremely fussy, which is starting to impact the eating habits of their younger sibling - who does enjoy a wide range of foods.

I feel like I have reached a point of something has to change; and NOW, that this habit / power game of refusing perfectly pleasant child friendly meals has got to stop. My DC is overweight for their age (not massively, but enough), and they can’t be getting the nutrients they need to be their best self. And I feel like I’m failing DC.

None of the suggestions by the various dieticians / nurses / paediatric consultants as to how to get them into eating vegetables has worked. I have tried every suggestion under the sun, including: I have grown stacks of vegetables they will pick but won’t eat; DC will cook vegetables with me and not eat the vegetables; and DC won’t ‘taste’ any of the vegetables even in small portions.

We have continued scenes of DC having tantrums that they don’t want any vegetables on their plate, even though I explain the vegetable has to remain on their plate, even if they don’t eat it. But I encourage DC to taste it, but not to take it off.

AIBU to now start some ‘tough love’ in now forcing DC to eat some vegetables or some part of our family meals which is beyond carbs and pork / bolognaise.

I dread doing this, and I don’t even know how to do tough love with eating - save for perhaps having a stand off with DC that you can’t leave the table unless you eat / taste said vegetable or re-serving any uneaten meal at the next meal, so they can’t wait for something better to come along. However my sense is the whole ‘they’ll come round to eating vegetables eventually’ simply isn’t going to happen; unless I take some significant action now.

My DC is increasingly becoming more overweight, and I think their poor diet will have impacts with their socialisation at school, ability to learn, and be the best version of themselves.

If anyone has got to the point of ‘tough love’ re food, what did you do, and were you successful in changing your child’s habit?

Thank you @Fabuleuse i will look up those websites

Turning meal times into a battle isn't going to help and if you try force it they'll dig their heels in more. Try serving them a child size portion of whatever you're having (including any vegetables if they're naturally included in the meal) and a big glass of water and don't make a big deal if it if they refuse to eat it. If they say "I don't like that!" Then just say something mild like "ok that's fine if you don't like it just leave that bit on your plate." Talk to your partner and other children about how much you enjoy eating insert vegetable yourself (but don't make it obvious you're aiming anything at the fussy eater). Once they're finished offer up a healthy pudding (eg yogurt/fruit) and have the same yourself too to model healthy eating. If they demand a different meal don't give in, just keep it calm and keep repeating "no, we're having X meal tonight."

Another good idea I read from a previous similar post was serving a picky tea at the table to give more control/choice (eg cooked chicken, tortillas, selection of veg, cheese etc) and let them choose what they would like. This gives them some control. Mine did just pick tortilla and cheese which isn't the most healthy, altho she did have grapes too so hopefully balanced out abit...

I do have a very fussy eater too but with the above approaches she's starting to try more stuff and be more relaxed about mealtimes. The last thing you want is to give them a complex over food

It's a hard one, but at the same time he needs to eat. What does he have with a meal if you're serving say, sausages? If it's potatoes, then that isn't so bad - carbs yes, but still have some valuable nutrition. I wouldn't be offering extra though as you don't want to over fill and then find the protein element isn't eaten or he's less likely to have some fruit later.

Do you make your own bolognese sauce - if yes, again that isn't so bad as you'll have tomatoes, I onion onions and you could also blend small amounts of other veg in there.

If he won't eat any veg with the meal, then don't offer extra amounts of other stuff. You can just make it clear that fruit is available if hungry later.

@MarianosOnHisWay they love past only with bolognaise sauce.

They used to love cream bacon and mushroom sauce with pasta, and cauliflower with cheese sauce in pasta or any other cream sauce with veg with pasta but now all these other cream pasta sauces with largely hidden veg are refused.

It might be normal in Britain but it really isnt in other parents of the world.

I was born somewhere else and travelled and lived around many different counties growing up. Children not having a varied diet really isnt the norm outside of Britain and a lot of the US.

I'm not sure forcing is the way to go. I have a child who is very mistrustful of new foods. I try to introduce a new meal every other weekend, during the week it's not worth the hassle.
Once they were that age, I did insist they tried it before any other options were offered.
Now they're older, they don't get dessert or snacks later on if they haven't eaten vegetables (unless it's new or a known dislike) as they clearly aren't hungry.

Does he eat any raw veg?

What is he eating? You said he's becoming overweight so he must be eating something.

@Eelicks

I have tried flatbreads with mild chilli beef sauce / fish pieces / grilled haloumi and then a mixed platter of veg and salad on the table to add to it. She played with all those items, and then only at the flat bread

My little one will only eat at the moment Greek yoghurt with honey for breakfast, meat ( normally Chicken ) for lunch and spaghetti bol for dinner. Every day is the same. We have progressed from eating just one type of ready meal Bol to pretty much them all. So we can go out for lunch because if it’s on the menu he’ll eat it. I did try cooking my own Bol but he would only eat the meat, occasionally he has eaten chilli. I am just going with it for now as it’s food. There was a time when he was only existing on yoghurts and Pom bears.

@WeAreBob

They wont eat any food mashed. They appear to protest the texture. So no mash potatoes or any sweet mash potato. This then rules out shepherd’s pie or fish pie.

Nor will they eat sweet potato roasted like chips in the oven.

That is a massive amount of food! And all looks a bit performance parenting. Half a passion fruit? In a lunch box. There is no way I'd eat that after 4 hours banging around let a lone my kids
My point is, I think you are pushing too hard with this. Cut back on the volume, chuck in a few raisins and be done with it. Serve up some boring English veg with their evening meal. Don't make a big deal of it

My ds (who is a boy) has a tendency to fussiness. These days he will eat a bit of broccoli etc on request, but we've never made a big thing of it.

And cut back on portion sizes

I have/had a fussy child, I keep putting the tiniest amount of veg on their plate to try if they want, I don't force the issue or it becomes an issue.
I make this, its blended it goes on pizza in pasta, in curries wherever I can use it
www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pasta-recipes/seven-veg-tomato-sauce/
I also blend butternut squash and cauliflower for macaroni cheese.
My son will only eat carrot or cucumber in its visible form and is not overweight. It's probably not the lack of veg that causes him to be overweight, maybe look at trying to make what he does eat healthier.

How about savoury muffins with hidden veg, OP?

And will she eat a chewable multivitamin?

@MarianosOnHisWay

I could definitely try hiding veg in sweet muffins. Thank you, I will try this

I think some of the things you're mentioning are quite generically likely to be refused by kids - like courgettes, mushrooms and olives. My DC is much better with the simple veg like carrots and cucumber. Also much better with raw veg than cooked.

I agree with others though that they're likely to be overweight due to eating too much rather than lack of vegetables. I would feed them less and allow less snacks, whilst focusing on lots of fruit if they won't eat vegetables. My DD is forever eating berries.

It really sounds like your child has an issue with textures - that’s not likely to be something they have control over and tough love won’t fix it!

don’t make food a battle. It’ll make you all miserable.

for a long time one of mine lived on bolognese and pizza. Both made with the tomato sauce recipe from the feed your family for £20 a week page. It’s packed with veggies, but blended completely smooth. I made it in big batches while they DC we’re at school so they didn’t see it.

Sorry, don't know why I thought your DC was a DS, probably because my fussy eater is!

I could definitely try hiding veg in sweet muffins
whilst this could work, you could be causing more trouble than it's worth. It depends on the temperament of your child. What will happen when she finds out you're hiding veg in her food? Will she then not trust anything you give her? I often puréed half the veg and made it into a sauce. DS would pick out the visible lumps of vegetables and eat every last drop of sauce!

They used to love cream bacon and mushroom sauce with pasta, and cauliflower with cheese sauce in pasta or any other cream sauce with veg with pasta
DS often doesn't remember previously liking something, especially if we haven't had if for a while. I serve it, if he makes a fuss I tell him he always liked it when I made it for him when he was X age so he should try it again before he tells me he doesn't like it.

Yes I know quite a few adults who won't touch a mushroom! Watching with interest as my DD has quite a limited diet at 7.

Do not force your child.
My mother did that to me, forcing me to eat lumpy food which I found difficult because of frequent bouts of tonsillitis.
As an adult I have always been a bit fussy and struggle still with lumpy food.

Also have a fussy eater here who will refuse like yours to eat a whole meal if she spies something in it she doesn't like.

Just keep offering pared down versions of your meals to him. So if we have chilli or tacos. I'll put the meat and taco shells on their plate and everything else goes in the middle on a platter or individual bowls: avocado, salsa, sliced cucumber, grated carrot, cheese, soured cream, chillies etc. It ends up looking really colourful and enticing and then she will take what she wants.

It's frustrating I know but the key is don't give them alternative options after dinner, no snacks ideally 1-2 hours before meals. No punishment for not eating dinner, ie give them pudding.

Basically you don't want any bad associations with eating food, so forcing him is not going to work long term.

I am hoping she will grow out of it, hopefully your son will too.

Are you sure the issue isn’t textures?

I have a very fussy eater due to ASD - textures is a huge problem, any sort of mash makes them gag. They don’t eat any veg except sweetcorn and no meat unless it’s processed and smooth.

But if veg is the issue, why force it? Will they eat baked beans or spaghetti hoops? They both count as 1 of your 5 a day.

We’ve been advised to just feed DC whatever they will eat - because malnutrition is a much bigger problem than not eating veg (although our DC is under weight)

We’ve been told to concentrate on things they will eat instead - most cereals have lots of added vitamins, as does bread. The vitamin boost bread is high in iron if iron intake is a problem, and the big kid milk has lots of added goodness if you can afford it, things like that will help make up for the missing veg.

Oh and we tried forcing the issue (before DC had their ASD diagnosis and we realised the issue was textures) and ended up with a 5 day hospital stay!

So now we do the opposite, and it’s the best advice I’ve ever been given for my DC - they have permission to spit! If they are willing to try a new food, as long as they chew it and try it first they are allowed to spit it out if they hate it - it makes DC much more open to trying things, and they’ve discovered that they do actually like a few things they had previously refused to even try.

I would have been over the moon if my children had eaten this.

I’d say don’t force it OP. One of my SS is the same age and will only eat white bread, noodles, straight cut oven chips and breaded chicken nuggets (he won’t eat anything else, literally) my other 2 SS are extremely fussy and will only eat rubbish, which means I have to do 3 different meals every meal time on weekends, which is a nightmare but I’d rather do that then risk making their food aversions worse, their diets are horrific but not a fight worth fighting imo.

get more veggies blended in his Bolognese (would he eat bolognese sauce with every meal? Always an option) and don’t give him more carbs etc to make up for lack of veg.

Twocrabs20 Will you make me packed lunches? They look delicious.

Do not make meals a battle ground. Reduce portion size, cut snacks and increase exercise.
my friends dcs have sensory issues about food and she got good at hiding a variety of vegetables in pasta sauce by oven roasting and then blending before adding to the sauce.

It can take up to 100 exposures to a new food for a child to trust it enough to eat it. This means it might take 90 exposures where it’s on the plate and they just look at it before they even pick it up.
you need to completely take the pressure off because you’ve turned this into a battle your kid is now committed to winning.

Serve the veg/new foods alongside trusted foods and do not say anything. You choose what’s on the plate, they choose what they eat. My kid is super fussy but I am trusting this process and hoping we’ll come through it, all little kids crave power and I do not want food to become a power struggle which is where it sounds like you are. In the meantime I am hiding veg in cupcakes, smoothies, pizza sauce etc (when he’ll have one) and giving him tonnes of what he will eat.
Good luck and I hope you get there.