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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think DH should've taken today off work?

244 replies

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:34

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 17/06/2022 08:38

Just tell him to cancel the in-laws? It’s not on to take a day off to tidy up because your mother or coming….

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/06/2022 08:38

If you and DS are ill, do the in-laws really want to come and visit anyway? Do they know? Surely if you’re both vomiting then the sensible thing to do is cancel. The rest is a bit besides the point.

Applespearsandoranges · 17/06/2022 08:38

I am intrigued why his family are visiting when you are so unwell to be honest?
but as you are Ill I’d be staying in bed and letting your dh and his family get on with it

ShadowPuppets · 17/06/2022 08:39

This is mad, you have a poorly toddler and you’ve literally been in hospital this week. DH should have cancelled the in laws visiting days ago.

Given you don’t have a time machine, I’d encourage you to think ‘fuck this’, leave it to DH either way to do what he can, hand the poorly toddler to relatives when they arrive and then go to bed on account of being unwell to the point of hospitalisation. I know reasonably that’s hard, but honestly you sound like you need to rest and recuperate.

But again, DH should have cancelled the visit.

Applespearsandoranges · 17/06/2022 08:39

Also How do you plan to go on the work thing when you are this ill? I know that isn’t the point of your thread

balalake · 17/06/2022 08:39

I think cancelling the inlaws should have already happened. Probably at the time you were in hospital.

Oligodendrocyte · 17/06/2022 08:40

If your vomiting, I'd be cancelling the inlaws visit.
I wouldn't want to give anyone anything, and I wouldn't want anyone to see me in that state either.
I also love my inlaws and enjoy spending time with them, but I would postpone in this situation.

Yodaisawally · 17/06/2022 08:40

Just cancel them.

BlancmanegeBunny · 17/06/2022 08:40

Why hasn't the visit already been cancelled due to you and DS being ill?
If you are this sick now how are you going to cope with a 10 day interview?
The whole situation sounds daft!

MRex · 17/06/2022 08:42

I'd just cancel the in-laws, it clearly isn't a good time and sounds like they aren't coming to help out. It's a bit mean to have left or so late though, one of you could have cancelled last week.

I doubt you're in the right place for your interview either, can you inform them of your illness and asked to delay it?

MsTSwift · 17/06/2022 08:43

Ridiculous. You are unwell and can’t host end of.

Vapeyvapevape · 17/06/2022 08:44

I'd cancel the visit and any person that judges the state of someone's home especially when they've been in hospital is a bit of a dick .

Vikinga · 17/06/2022 08:44

Absolutely cancel the ILs visiting!! You're ill! I'm sure they wouldn't want to be around you. You need to reciver and prepare for your interview. Cancel right now.

RandomMess · 17/06/2022 08:45

You ring up and cancel the in laws.

"Me and DS are too ill sorry we need to reschedule"

It's ridiculous you need to recover and prepare.

Aprilx · 17/06/2022 08:46

If he can’t get leave approved then I don’t think he can take a sick leave to do housework. What should have happened is cancelled the visit.

Shinyandnew1 · 17/06/2022 08:46

You’re missing the point talking about DH and work!

Cancel the in-laws, you’re crazy if you don’t.

whatstheteamarie · 17/06/2022 08:46

Another person saying just cancel.

It's ridiculous to have them visit when you and your DC are ill. I can't believe your DH confirmed with them this morning, that's so odd.

Rainbowshit · 17/06/2022 08:46

Jeez. Cancel the in laws visit!!

JuneOsborne · 17/06/2022 08:48

Yeah, remove DH from the situation (after all he's removed himself from the hard work situation of cleaning, tidying l, shopping and catering for his families visit) and phone them and tell them you're too ill to host.

Job done.

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:48

Thanks for the input and perspectives

Rearranging the in-laws is tricky because DH's family arrange things a long time in advance and always seem to be very busy. We don't see them often enough as a result (haven't seen SIL/BIL since Christmas and haven't seen MIL/PIL since October). DH is really excited for them to come because we've just finished renovating (which has been DH's baby for the last year and a half) so he wants to show the house off - which is an extra reason why it's so annoying that it looks like shit. We have a really, really busy few months coming up (DH changing jobs, moving house, new baby etc so it'll be really difficult to organise another visit - and it's no more likely to be a good time).

The job opportunity is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The employer knows that I'm unwell and is being really supportive about it. Unfortunately, the way the opportunities work is that they're on an annual cycle where all the candidates do the same 10 days and then they select the top candidates - so it can't be moved. My mind is working fine, I'm just physically not great - it's largely bending down and lifting that are big issues for me which makes tidying the absolute worst activity right now.

Neither DS nor I are contagious - and we have different illnesses.

OP posts:
minipie · 17/06/2022 08:49

I don’t think he should have cancelled work due to needing to tidy. Sod what the ILs think.

However I do think he should have cancelled due to you throwing up for an hour this morning!! Especially as he has resigned FFS. You need him dealing with DS when you’re in this state.

I suggest later today you hand everything over to DS and ILs and go to bed. You are ill and you really need to get better in advance of next week.

best wishes and good luck next week!

Surplus2requirements · 17/06/2022 08:49

Just imagine the conversation "Sorry boss I have to take another day off because if the house isn't tidy my Mum will give my wife a funny look" 😃

themusicmum · 17/06/2022 08:50

2 things jumped out at me when I read your post. how will you do the dream job when you are too ill? Secondly, cancel the inlaws, or they can get over the state of the house. You cant help being ill and it's something withy will need to deal with should they come.

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:51

To be clear, I'm not saying DH should call in sick to do housework. I'm saying that he should be staying home with DS today because DS is too ill to go to nursery - which, simultaneously, allows DH to get on with some housework whilst also allowing me to prepare for my interview.

OP posts:
Testina · 17/06/2022 08:51

The in law visit is crackers because you’re ill, or because you need to prep for the interview.
Unless they take pressure off you when there - e.g. with childcare.
They really shouldn’t be coming if either you or child are infectious, but I’ll presume you’re not.

However, despite those good reasons, the vast majority of your post is: “my husband can’t have his family to stay because I give more of a shit than him about his mother’s opinion.”

And for that, you are very unreasonable!

Just live your life and own the state it’s in - and stop worrying about her “expressive face”. Who cares?

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