to think DH should've taken today off work?

[WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna]

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

I think you should just ignore any worries about the in laws views on mess.

But if you can’t do that, I’d try to get a cleaner in, ask on your local Facebook page

Surely your in laws will understand that you have been in hospital, perhaps they can help clean? Then they all go out and leave you at home alone to prepare for Monday

Husband needs to do basic household things like laundry and re arrange in laws for another weekend. You need to lie on the sofa with your son and watch kids TV. Having people to stay is hard work to prepare for and exhausting while they are around even if you do get on with them. Get some rest for your tough week ahead. Good luck and hope your both feeling better soon x

Why are people coming to visit when you and your child are unwell? Just message and say, sorry we are too unwell and I have to prep for an interview on Monday. Why stress, just say no. Your husband can take your child for the weekend, you can prep. House can wait as can the inlaws.

Order a click and collect for this evening and ask the in laws to get it on their way. DH does as much tidying as he can in his hour - prioritise the basics and shove everything else in your room where they won't see. Tell your in laws you're still ill and will need to spend most of their visit in bed but you're looking forwards to seeing them when you have the energy. Use the time to do your prep and rest up.

Or cancel the whole lot because vomiting is probably contagious and you just can't do it.

Honestly with both you and DS so poorly I would have expected DH to have said “actually this weekend isn’t possible. Both my wife and son are really unwell”.

Do your in laws know you’ve been in hospital? I think it’s pretty rude of them to still expect to come if they do!!

They should have been rescheduled as soon as you went into hospital.

I’d be mortified if I showed up in this situation!

And as someone with emetophobia I’d be bloody angry I wasn’t told too.

Just clear your kitchen tops, clean the toilets and run a cloth round the sinks.

Beyond that - you would hope, high standards or not that your in-laws would see how poorly you are, how difficult this week has been and would get stuck in with helping out this weekend.

My Mum has ridiculously high standards. I grew up in a show house 24/7 so if my house was a mess due to laziness there would be some cutting remarks. If my house was a mess because I'd been in hospital that week - she'd be walking in - putting me into bed, grabbing the hoover, changing the beds, and throwing some laundry on. I know the house would be spotless within a few hours and she'd be bringing me lunch in bed.

If your PIL and SIL don't pick up the rubber gloves this weekend, and instead just walk around with raised eyebrows - then they're the arsehols.

You'd think they'd be asking what food to bring, how they can help etc. If they don't, given you've been in bloody hospital and are currently vomiting - then they are dreadful people.

You're seriously unwell. Give yourself a break.

In this scenario- neither you nor your husband are wrong. You're just doing your best in a hugely difficult (but hopefully temporary situation).

This is madness. Just tell the inlaws how ill you are and that you are in no fit state to be hosting visitors and keep being sick so the house is a vomit fest. Explain your husband would love to see them and as the weather is nice how about meeting in a lovely country park halfway between the two of you. Send him with your son (if he's well enough) and go back to bed. Don't put yourself through this torture. Of course your husband can't take the day off work just to tidy, but also, of course you can't host visitors in your current state - what the hell are they even thinking wanting to visit when they know you have been in hospital?

Do you ILs know you were in hospital? Did he just invite them or had this been planned months in advance?

I think your DH is a bit selfish not to have canceled the visit.
He really should be prioritizing you right now.

If MIL is a keen cleaner and tidier, and likes it spotless, then can the visit be reframed as coming to help you out as you’ve been unwell? A kind person would pick up the Hoover and help with childcare, not judge.

personally I’d have cancelled, but you don’t seem up for that.

I cant see your spouse being enthusiastic to spend his day off cleaning even if it is a by-product of looking after his child.

If you want to be tip-top for your big interview I'd cancel the in-laws (their social calendar can take a hit for once, life is not set in stone). Apart from anything else it'll help your stress levels immensely.

Just cancel, doesn't matter how long it's been arranged, presumably the in laws know you've just been in hospital and are recovering from an op, so should understand.

"Hi pil/sil you'll have to take us as you find us I'm afraid things have been a bit hectic here the last few days"

Can you put an ad on Facebook for a cleaner to come today?

Let them come visit the messy house. You're too ill to do it, and DH is working so I'd send them a pre-emptive measure to say.... I'm very ill, still recovering from my hospital stay, so you'll have to take us as you find us 😊
No one in their right mind would expect a spotless house in your situation.
Hope you're feeling better soon, best of luck with the job "interview".

I think we all know people like you @WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna and that’s not in any way denigrating, you sound lovely - but people whose life sounds utterly exhausting and undoable when they’re explaining to you what they’ve got going on. WHY would you think to go abroad on a job interview for ten days when you’re heavily pregnant and extremely ill? WHY would you renovate a house spending all your time and money on that and then immediately move? WHY would you invite the in-laws to stay when you’re so desperately ill and have an importance interview? WHY, having done that, would you care about your MILs face? Getting down to brass tacks, WHY would anyone schedule a house renovation, two new jobs, a house move and a new baby within the same year let alone the same few months?
Essentially your life choices are going to be totally inexplicable to the vast majority of people here and we are not going to be able to get past that and advise you on the minutiae of who should do the tidying up and when. It’s a bit like asking us our opinions on the colour the tassels should be on your magic carpet. We will be going “wait, magic carpet???” And you’ll be like “yeah, anyway, COLOUR OF TASSELS PEOPLE”.

I wish you the very best for the weekend, the job, the baby, the other new job and the new house!! And hope you all feel better soon x

Absolutely this - just bloody cancel. A family visit is insane in these circs. If they are half decent they will understand.

It is absolute madness to have visitors when you and your child are both ill. No I don't think he should take the day of work to do chores and prepare for visitors and do childcare. Other arrangements should be in place for this.

@Newforumnewname oh gosh, I love you. Yes! Yes! Now please come and work with me immediately, I need someone who can think and explain like that

I'm not sure why your husband isn't putting your health and wellbeing ahead of a visit by other family members?

There may be a list as long as your arm for reasons why it would be disappointing, inconvenient or even frustrating for a last minute cancellation, but surely you prioritise the needs of someone you love above something that can be rearranged at some point in the future.

Frankly, wanting to show off renovations should not be given more thought than helping you recover from your illness in more comfort with less stress, and allowing you to prepare for an opportunity that clearly is extremely important to you.

This sounds more about his lack of care and support, his skewed priorities and your refusal to assert some basic needs. Stop being a martyr and just rearrange this weekend.

Cancel them. I know I just said that - but I just read your updates - seriously, cancel. Just because something is awkward doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it - being in hospital and pregnant is a cast iron excuse.

You cannot always have everything in life - if this is your dream job then you have to prioritise. You will not forgive yourself if you mess this up.

You and your DH obviously like to take on a ton of stuff and are high energy, but with a second baby about to launch, you are both going to have to get better at prioritising or you will fall over.

This.

So what if its a mess? They are coming to visit you, and if its too messy for them they can leave. Or tidy it.

If they really can't be cancelled, then just tell them when they arrive you've been in hospital, are still very unwell, as is ds and that DH has been too busy at work to tidy and clean. And leave it at that. Simply, don't let it bother you.

If your house is normally immaculate when you visit, they surely won't judge you based on this one time. And if anything it indicates how useless DH is (their son) at keeping on top of things when you are out of action. So more a judgement on him than you I'd say.

And spend the weekend preparing for your interview.

@Newforumnewname

yeah, anyway, COLOUR OF TASSELS PEOPLE”.

Actual lol.

Nailed it

This sums it up for me