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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think DH should've taken today off work?

244 replies

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:34

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

OP posts:
AbleCable · 17/06/2022 09:10

If you are able to watch DS and keep him safe while DH is at work, then your DH was not being unreasonable to go to work. If you are too sick for that, then he should have stayed at home. The state of the house is irrelevant while you are sick.
I think you are mad not to cancel the IL visit - you'd be able to concentrate properly over the weekend on the interview prep (which sounds an opportunity that doesn't come often) - your DH can take full care of DS to give you the time for that and get over your illness.
Tidying the house should be your bottom priority just now.

ZarquonsSandals · 17/06/2022 09:10

Applespearsandoranges · 17/06/2022 08:38

I am intrigued why his family are visiting when you are so unwell to be honest?
but as you are Ill I’d be staying in bed and letting your dh and his family get on with it

Completely agree.
They could come another time, surely? If you're unwell you don't need to be chasing around after other people.

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 17/06/2022 09:12

If you cannot cancel the visit send a message
Dear ILs
I have been in hospital, DS has been off nursery all week because he is ill. The house is a bomb site. Please come prepared to help tidy up.
Love @WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna
Then go to bed and stay there.
My MIL is house proud. I am not. She visits when stuff is not up to her standards. She has never said anything. And I can't see what she is thinking. I am only projecting. She is prob thinking. 'Gosh its so nice to see the grandkids' and nothing more. Even isbshebia thinking my DIL is a slob I don't care. It can't hurt me.
These are your issues.
Before i gave up govong a f I once hosted a family get together the day after DS2 has been discharged from hospital after a week in enhanced care when he nearly died. I sat on my own lounge floor trying to breastfeed him whilst my ungrateful family sat on the chairs. I still think to myself what was I fing thinking....

Lottsbiffandsmudge · 17/06/2022 09:13

In trying to be polite and using asterixs for swear words most of my post is in italics!!! Oops

Badger1970 · 17/06/2022 09:14

Why on earth would people want to stay with two unwell people in the house?

Don't be a martyr. Ring the in laws, and cancel the interview stating you're unwell.

TheGoogleMum · 17/06/2022 09:14

I think even though its difficult to see the in laws I'd cancel. You don't sound well enoughnfor visitors to be honest and could do with resting up to be in good health for the interview. Hope your DH sees sense. Can he maybe just take the afternoon off?
I'm not sure what illness would make DS too ill for nursery but non contagious and lots of energy tbh (nursery are usually only strict about contagious illness in my experience)

GiltEdges · 17/06/2022 09:16

Honestly, I'm not sure why you asked people for opinions. The logical option is to rearrange plans with ILs. You don't want to do that. So you're just going to have to make the best of it, including accepting that your DH isn't going to take a day off work when you're already there to look after DS and clean the house 🤷🏼‍♀️

Butchyrestingface · 17/06/2022 09:16

Voted YABU because you haven't cancelled the in-laws.

Topgub · 17/06/2022 09:17

If ds is well enough to have lots of energy and need lots of stimulating he's well enough to go to nursery

Pudsocks · 17/06/2022 09:17

You will feel SO relieved if you cancel the visit. DH can then have the whole weekend to tidy up and look after DS, and you can rest, recover and prepare for your once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
It's crazy that you're considering any other option in the circumstances.

Toddlerteaplease · 17/06/2022 09:17

How will you manage the interview process, if you are so ill?

TokyoSushi · 17/06/2022 09:18

OP! This is ridiculous!

It doesn't sound like you're fit for any of it. Tidying the house is the least of your worries, I'd be more concerned about the work thing. You say up thread about a new baby. Are you pregnant too?

Dreamstate · 17/06/2022 09:18

You don't even know for sure that your MIL is judging your house and how clean it is. You got that from a look. A look that could of been a million other things.

And now you've worked yourself up all over it trying to get the house clean over our projections and huge assumptions.

That to me is batshit crazy.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/06/2022 09:20

Why the hell are you entertaining when you have all this shit going on. Cancel it. Book again when you are better. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry but if I. To busy to Tudy up then people just have to accept the house as it is.

godmum56 · 17/06/2022 09:21

Well honestly I think you should have addressed the funny look thing in your head years ago. It doesn't sound like your DH is bothered so why should you be? If any time for a visit is going to be equally bad then crack on and get it over with....and. I think its hair splitting to say its to look after his sick child because its to take over from you so that you can do other stuff. Indon't know what your husband does, is it one of those small world jobs where his behaviour will follow him around so it does matter even though he's resigned? WhatvI would do is say fuck the cleaning, get your DH to sort food ordering, get deliveroo or something catered if you can, and once in laws arrive, nicely dump the kids and inlaws on your dh and do some interview prep. Be honest with your in laws that you both have a truckload on your plates right now but of course you are pleased to see them .....anf yes, own your life.

RandomMess · 17/06/2022 09:21

Get DH to take DS to visit the in laws.

Seriously them seeing the house this weekend is ridiculous.

Once in a lifetime job interview is more important than them seeing the house.

User57327259 · 17/06/2022 09:22

A lot depends on what your MIL and SIL are like. If my MIL and SIL arrived at my house and found me ill with ill DC they would take over and the house would be cleaned to within an inch of its life. The freezer would be full of meals ready to use over the next few days and both DC and me would be tucked up in beds with glass of water and a bucket!

Tinkity · 17/06/2022 09:23

I'm not suggesting he take a day off just to tidy up. I'm suggesting that he take a day off to look after his sick child.

But you aren’t complaining about him going to work yesterday when your child was also sick and at home, the only difference about today is that housework needs doing.

RJnomore1 · 17/06/2022 09:23

Two options:

cancel

go to bed and stuff it

Sally872 · 17/06/2022 09:23

Dh does his share of sick days, you were able to manage ds so the only reason to take sick day for child is because of interview/housework. I don't think that is reasonable. If he can take last min AL then definitely a good option. But sounds like you are suggesting sick day for child.

Option 1 cancel inlaws (less tidying needed and time to interview prep).
Option 2 stop caring what they think of the mess. You have been in hospital they must know it has been an unusual week.

TheLadyDIdGood · 17/06/2022 09:23

Call your mil and say you've had an operation and are still in extreme pain and unable to host. Plus your child is vomiting everywhere and I'd emphasise the vomiting. They wouldn't want to catch whatever he has got. B

SparklingStars10 · 17/06/2022 09:23

If you’re off work losing pay then it seems unreasonable to expect him to take a day off and lose another days pay. Who cares what the in-laws think, any normal person would expect a fairly untidy home with a working parent and an ill parent and child anyway.

ReneBumsWombats · 17/06/2022 09:24

Just let the house be imperfect and if they don't like it they'll have to get over it.

Suddha · 17/06/2022 09:25

Nurseries are funny about kids going back after illness. It’s possible the DS is recovered and full of energy but still banned from nursery for 48 hours. If OP has just come out of hospital and is still unwell then it’s unreasonable to expect her to look after DS - DH should have taken the day off work. And ILs definitely should be cancelled!

OP if you won’t cancel the ILs then definitely don’t lift a finger. They’re his family, let him tidy for them.

HarvestFly · 17/06/2022 09:25

Crikey how far away do the parents in laws live that you haven't seen them since last October?
I know you say they're very busy but they're not exactly prioritising seeing their son and grandchild Hmm
I would cancel the gist it get your DH and son to go there for weekend and give you peace to recover