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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH should've taken today off work?

244 replies

WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 17/06/2022 08:34

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

OP posts:

WimbyAce · 17/06/2022 10:57

Sounds like you have way too much on your plate already without having people visiting at the weekend! I would definitely cancel and try to get yourself in a fit state for this interview process, that has to be the priority.

bridgetreilly · 17/06/2022 10:58

The in laws need to be told you’re ill, the house is a mess, and while you’d love them to come they need to be willing to take things as they find them, and jump in to help.

luckylavender · 17/06/2022 10:59

Definitely 100% cancel. Madness to have visitors in your situation.

Sisisimone · 17/06/2022 11:05

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing tbh

Absolute madness you are having all those visitors when you are just out of hospital and ds is unwell. And then the 10 day interview process on top of that. What the fuck are you thinking? Surely you can see this is crazy. I'd be giving less thought to whether the house is tidy and more thought to the fact you can kiss your dream job goodbye because your DH family visit takes priority. Ridiculous situation. I take it your DH has zero respect for your career

Fulbe · 17/06/2022 11:07

DH needs to let them know how ill you and DC are, tell them the house is in a state and they cannot expect any hosting. In fact if they can bring their rubber gloves and help you out that would be the kindest thing to do.

MsTSwift · 17/06/2022 11:07

I feel stressed just reading all this. Do you have a masochistic streak?

loupiots · 17/06/2022 11:10

Can you get in a cleaner at such short notice?

It sounds as though you’re ill, your toddler is still poorly and your husband can’t take the day off.

If you have guests coming, and you’re worried about how the house looks - I would try to buy in help if that was at all possible.

Lunarpsychobitch · 17/06/2022 11:10

I'd have got someone from an agency for a deep clean tbh, but it's too late now.

Surely your in laws will see that you're unwell and understand that you're home isn't at it's usual standard because of this. It is a home which is designed to be lived in, not a show house and they're coming to see you, not your house.

Stop putting too much pressure on yourself. I hope you feel better soon and good luck with the job next week

JuneyJune · 17/06/2022 11:12

Why don't the in-laws come while you're away? Win win!

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 17/06/2022 11:14

Can you book an emergency slot with a cleaning company?

Floralnomad · 17/06/2022 11:21

The whole thing sounds absolutely ridiculous and frankly having a tidy house would seem to be the least of your problems . You are ill , your child is ill - if you must go ahead with the visit just tell the in-laws the house is a state because you are Ill and order takeaways for meals .

Sashytomps · 17/06/2022 11:24

Is it really fair on your little one to have so many people around if he’s so unwell? I’d be cancelling for his sake, because either he gets looked after you and you are ill and preparing for an interview or he has to be with them and that’s a lot for a small child who is poorly.
pit your DS first and cancel.

Holly60 · 17/06/2022 11:24

MsTSwift · 17/06/2022 08:52

Your priorities are really bizarre sorry

What because work should always be a priority?

OP has not suggested that either her or her DP don't want the in-laws to come. In fact it sounds like they both DO want the in-laws to come, it's just that OP would like the house tidy.

I would never prioritise my work over family and a sense of well-being. If events had conspired to cause my sense of well-being being compromised by my living environment being a mess, I would absolutely take time off work to sort that out.

LittleOwl153 · 17/06/2022 11:24

Forget the cleaning if DH didn't prioritise it don't make yourself ill / give up your job opportunity to cover for him.

Today you are stuck with the toddler. Do want you can with him and try and get some prep done for the interview.

When the inlaws get there explain you are ill and won't be joining in the family activities. A hospital stay should be enough to put off all but the most narcissistic MIL.

If I were your inlaws I would be appalled at your husband/you for not cancelling this visit given the state you are in and would be embarrassed that I was putting on you whilst you were ill...

AiryFairyLights · 17/06/2022 11:25

You’re not being unreasonable to a point BUT there’s a very simple way to deal with this - look after yourself and poorly child, LEAVE the housework and let them and your husband deal with it!
Im assuming you get on with your in-laws well (sorry I’ve not read everything) and I’m sure they’ll be fine but even if they weren’t - you’re not well so let them get on with it!

Good luck with your job interview and I hope you feel better soon

HollowTalk · 17/06/2022 11:27

Would it be possible for your husband to take your son to the in laws? I wouldn't have visitors if I was feeling that ill.

Holly60 · 17/06/2022 11:28

Ignore everyone saying you should cancel your in-laws - nowhere have you said that is what you want to do.

I think at this point, let your DH do what he can, and then just explain to your ILs that you've not been able to do as much because you've been Ill.

Then leave DH to look after them and prep for your interview.

HannahSternDefoe · 17/06/2022 11:32

Fuck that.

If he wants a clean house he can either do it himself or buy-in a professional cleaning service.

OR...

Maybe the house-proud in-laws can help him when they arrive

Very best of luck with the job interview etc.

Don't let him make you feel guilty. You've been in hospital, so don't overdo things!

sillysmiles · 17/06/2022 11:36

You can't - for your own reasons - cancel your In Laws

It is unreasonable to expect your husband to stay home to tidy. His bosses opinions matter - because references are good and most industries are reasonable small/connected and burning bridges is never a good idea if you can avoid it.

You can't move you've interview.

He'll have time to do some this evening before they are and then after that you just need to control your own emotions and not let anyone (potential) judgement bother you.

I know your subsequent posts talk about him staying home to look after your son, but 90% of your OP is about cleaning for your in-laws. They are his family - if he's happy with the house that way for his family - let him off.

HairyScaryMonster · 17/06/2022 11:38

From a job perspective the question is are you well enough to look after toddler? If you are, there's no justification to have DH off. If it's hindering your recovery he should have stayed off.

senua · 17/06/2022 11:40

I would never prioritise my work over family and a sense of well-being.
Don't forget that OP said, "Rearranging the in-laws is tricky because DH's family arrange things a long time in advance and always seem to be very busy."

What's that saying: you should never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.

lborgia · 17/06/2022 11:47

OMG, just cancel everything, and go to bed. Seriously. Everything.

Noisyprat · 17/06/2022 11:50

What a depressing thread so many people trying to find solutions to the problem that they deem the OPs to solve. Get a cleaner, see if MIL/SIL will step up.

FGS WHAT ABOUT HER DH! or maybe FIL!

You sound like a very intelligent woman OP yet you are letting this visit potentially scupper your opportunity for this job. In years to come, if you don't get this position, you will be full of resentment for your 'DH'. In your position I would simply leave everything. If they are judging you for the state of your house then frankly they aren't very nice people. Let your DH make the beds, do all the food. Personally I would've sitting in the couch recuperating and preparing for the interview and I would let them know this. I say this to you OP as someone who was you, now in my 50's I am very resentful (but try to manage it). It will dawn on you one day and you will wish you had put yourself first, if even once, because no-one else will.

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 11:53

What is your son unwell with? Can he go out? If so could your husband and your son meet the in-laws out somewhere for the day? A nice town, zoo, park, national trust place or something?

NerrSnerr · 17/06/2022 11:54

And if he is that unwell he can't go out I'd just cancel.

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