to think DH should've taken today off work?

[WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna]

I'm ill and was in hospital Saturday-Wednesday. DS, almost 3, is also ill (something completely unrelated) and wasn't able to go to nursery on Wednesday or Thursday. DH and I both work full-time and usually DH is very involved as a parent (does his fair share of sick days, does nursery drop-off and pick-up because I don't drive to work, does bedtime/bathroom/meals etc - no problems there at all).

I have a job "interview" for my dream job next week. When I say "interview", it's actually a ten-day work experience with the employer (including a trip to an overseas office) and then a formal interview. This is very common in the industry. It's a very intense process, very competitive and requires a lot of preparation.

This weekend, DH has arranged for FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL to come and visit - we get on well, no issues there. However, despite being lovely, they're very house proud and I do feel that I'd be judged if the house isn't spotless - especially by MIL who is a spotless person. She'd never say anything or make any rude comments at all - but I know she'd think it and she has an expressive face. DH promised me that he would ensure the house is up to standard - I'm too unwell to tidy, I can't bend down without being sick and being in a lot of pain and keep fainting. The weather isn't helping.

DH took Wednesday off work because DS was too ill to go to nursery and I was in hospital. Yesterday, I was off work anyway because I'm ill so I had DS. DH promised again, throughout the week but on Wednesday and Thursday too, that he would make sure the house is up to standard. At about 4pm yesterday, I started trying to tidy because I could see it wasn't going to happen - in three hours, I managed to do a load of laundry, most of DS's bedroom and put another load of laundry away. DH promised, again, he'd get the house sorted (there's no time!!) so, after DS eventually got to sleep (he's usually a good sleeper but it was very hot for him last night) DH made dinner. He then got phone calls from FIL and then from SIL to firm up plans for the weekend. By the time those calls ended, it was 10pm. I said I was going to bed, because I was in so much pain, and hoped DH would stay up and do some tidying - but he didn't.

This morning, DS is still too unwell to go to nursery and I'm still off work sick. FIL/MIL/SIL/BIL are due to arrive an hour after DH is due back from work and the house is an absolute war zone. On top of the mess, we haven't done a shop to buy food yet either. I got out of bed at 6.45 and spent the first half an hour of my day throwing up non-stop. I asked DH to stay home today and he's said no. His boss is already annoyed with him because he's handed in his notice and he does't want to make it worse (but, I'm thinking, you're leaving anyway, why do you care if your boss likes you?). I explained that he promised that the house would be sorted and he's basically now changed that to "he'll do as much as he can in the time he has" - which means the house will not be ok.

So, I have an important work opportunity starting on Monday that I'm completely unprepared for, a messy as hell house with the in-laws coming, I'm too ill to tidy and I'm with an ill toddler too (who I cannot lift up at all). Should DH have stayed home today even though I'm already at home or AIBU because I'm already wallowing from being ill and grumpy?

I agree with Daisy. It’s not impressive it’s silly. And frankly if you are pregnant it’s irresponsible as it’s not just your health you are risking with the sole aim of showing off.

I know you are sick so i hope this doesn’t come across as mean, but I hope your new job isn’t making decisions or using common sense.
Your life is like a tangle of knots.

You are sick, no visitors. That’s it.

you need to recover, and get your child well and drop everything else fast. Good luck.

You need to hit the peri menopause then you finally put yourself first and will genuinely not give a stuff what your mother in law thinks of your house. Honestly you will look back and eyeroll at your former self prioritising that over your own and your childrens health and your job…

I am keen to know what sort of job has a recruitment process that includes 10 days work experience and a trip abroad for all candidates

I'm very much hoping it's going on The Apprentice!

OP - it isn’t unreasonable for him to take a day off to look after your DS and sort out the house for his relatives, especially as he’s the one wanting to show off the renovations. I would have thought his own pride would be a motivation to put in some extra effort, not to mention having concern for your health.

However, YABU to complain he’s not helping and then doing it for him (with a very strong whiff of burning martyr) under the banner that his DM will judge you. You have been so ill you were hospitalised - your recovery will be slower if you don’t rest as much as possible.

Try to let go of the house mess being all your responsibility and reflecting on you as a bad wife. You’ve been seriously poorly, you have an ill child, a demanding work situation and are still sorting out the home after a major building project.

Your DH is hosting his DPs because he’s excited about showing off the alterations. He’s in a better position (by a country mile) than you to take time off given he’s leaving his job and more importantly, he’s not ill.

Him not stepping up reflects more badly on him and you may find his DM has a view on this given she was a single mum. She may even be horrified that you feel so pressured about her visit that you are prepared to compromise your recovery to present everything as picture perfect because you think that’s what she expects.

One final point - you doing all this when your DH isn’t, even though you are ill and have some challenging work priorities, is also showing your DS that women’s needs are less important than men’s. Probably not something he’ll really pick up on at this stage, but if he sees his Dad stepping in (rather than expecting you to just deal with it) it will totally change his own adult relationship expectations.

She is just upset and bereaved so give her time, you are on someone else’s thread though and might get better answers if you start your own thread.

is it the Apprentice ????

Is it only on MN that people spend time asking for advice/complaining instead of doing the blindingly obvious?

If you have known about the job interview since December 2021, why are you completely unprepared for it?

Definitely not.

Jesus H Christ. People who’ve lived with martyrs recognise them instantly. You started a thread with paragraphs and paragraphs about how you can’t possibly tidy without being constantly sick but have been doing it anyway, then after reading 7 pages of people telling you not to do it, you come back saying “sorry I haven’t come back, I was tidying” and eye rolling. It’s so performative.

It takes a lot of energy to engage with people who behave like this (as they don’t listen to anyone who talks sense). Part of me feels sorry for the DH here as I’m willing to bet that what you call a bomb site is a couple of socks on the floor.

I also don’t understand the job situation. You’re doing the interview at 6.5 months pregnant and presumably even if you got the job you wouldn’t be starting until after your mat leave. There’s also presumably a risk that the employer might see the bump and find a reason not to hire you (it’s not legal but it happens). Any job with such a tortuous interview process is presumably going to expect a lot of its employees. Why can’t you defer the interview until after you’ve had DC2?

I voted YABU but only because you’re not listening to anyone.

I hope it is the apprentice because it will be very entertaining!

I hope it is the apprentice because it will be very entertaining!

Has to be. Someone obviously pregnant on it would be a production dream too!

C’mon OP what job requires a 10 day work experience plus a trip abroad for all candidates? There is no job in the UK that requires this unless it is reality television.

Unless it’s a singer on a cruise ship?

You are really ill and unable to do anything at home but are fit enough to do a 10 day interview including being abroad? OK, so you need time and space to get ready for your dream job so don't deal with the stress. Politely postpone the visit.

I know it's been a few weeks but I thought I'd come back and update because there have been some pretty big changes.

Firstly, no, it's not the Apprentice 😂It was a vacation scheme for a commercial law firm. The Apprentice is longer than that!

Secondly, I thought a lot about what was said about pressure and taking on too much. It's actually really mad that it didn't occur to me to cancel people coming or to just recognise that time and energy are a finite resource. I've reached out to a clinical psychologist who, after just one session, said so much that made so much sense. The biggest thing he's said so far that resonated with me is that I need to look at things in my life as facts rather than judgements (for example "the house is a mess" could be viewed as either a statement of fact or a criticism of me. If I learn to reframe it as a simple fact then the only burden I have to overcome is cleaning the house, if I view it as a judgement then I have to overcome the pain and stress of being criticised and not being good enough and also clean the house. I'm giving myself more work to do for no reason.

Thirdly, the whole thing turned out fine. I got the house to an acceptable-ish standard and no one really noticed all the issues that I noticed with it. It was nice to see people and spend time with them and that, really, was the whole point. PILs had no idea I'd been in hospital as, although DH had spoken to them when I was admitted, they were abroad on holiday so he'd not mentioned it.

I really can't thank you enough. I feel like this thread really gave me some perspective that I'd been massively missing in my life.

Great update @WhoPutTheScrewInTheTuna 😊

Pleased you got someone to help you see things from a different prospective. What happened about the job/ holiday?