Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

This is good but take out the ´I’ve been thinking’ and just say ´after our chat last week I have decided I don’t want to continue with the relationship’. The ´I have been thinking’ gives him too much scope to try to make you think again and change your mind.

End it before it goes on longer x

There's nothing wrong with poly/swingers/ENM and for some of us it works extremely well (and contrary to popular opinion here it's not just seedy men who want to sleep with as many women as possible)

But the main foundations of any of those kind of relationships are communication and consent which he clearly hasn't followed. Without them it's just cheating by any other name!

For what it's worth I do agree with other posters he's likely trying to lead you into it because those in the lifestyle won't touch him with a barge pole.

If it's not for you OP then that's fine. If you think it might be do some independent research, but either way ditch this loser. He hasn't been honest so he's hardly likely to shape up now

End it..you’ll always be worrying/wondering.

This op. This is a test of your boundaries. You arent interested in this. Walk away and block him because i bet he will be persistent.

Fine if people are into that kind of thing but it's a dealbreaker for many, many more new partners than would say 'great! When's the next group sesh?!' so therefore he should have told you these preferences from the outset.

From my limited understanding a poly or swinger couple who are actually doing with equal interest, boundaries and transparency are very important. He has tried to drip this in bit by bit.

I'd just send a very neutral, very polite message to say you're not compatible but wish him the best. No room for negotiation, don't express any view on his lifestyle for him to respond to.

Hi Shagger,

I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other night, and the whole poly/swinger thing is really not for me. I wish you’d told me 3 months ago because I’ve never had got involved with you in the first place had I known. I wish you well but I’m calling it quits. All the best…

Then block.

Oh my god, this sounds like my partner. Makes suggestions involving my friends etc during sex, wasn’t like this in the beginning, I also need to run!
Not the same man by any chance is it?

Ok so I sent the text and he has responded.

‘It has to be about what both people want. Not just about me as that would be abusive’. And told me he still wants to see me on the weekend. I’m even more confused now!

If it's making you feel uncomfortable then somethings not right. I'd find someone else who only wants just you. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak.

There's nothing confusing about this OP. He is not a nice person. Just move on.

What's with the confusion? Why are you ignoring the alarm bells that are clearly ringing in your head? Something feels off to you about him so dump him.

"Sorry. It's been a great few months, but your sexual interests are just not my thing, and never will be. Sadly we're clearly incompatable, so there's really no point in us meeting up this weekend."

Pretty sure that means "I want to shag other people and I'm quite into watching you shagging other too" Sounds like a catch!

I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

My advice would be to get out now.

So after he mentioned his “other life” he started bringing up imagine if your friend was here? He wants to sleep with your friend?? Yuk. No thanks.! Surely that’s enough to help you walk away.?

It's really great that you know this about yourself. Now is your chance to change the way you are and you can do that with our support on here.

Instead of thinking oh he is into swinging, try thinking: he is trying to make me ignore my own boundaries.

Instead of thinking oh he is really experimental and wild sexually, try thinking: he is like a little boy in a sweet shop. He wants to grab grab grab and take no notice of what anyone else wants.

Pretty sure that means either:

1. I am going to gaslight you until you 'want' it too, or
2. I'm hoping to keep shagging you until something better comes along

He sounds incredibly selfish

But he was engaging in this without your knowledge by contacting the couple you mention.

I know it's been casual but unless you're delighted at the thought of being with someone of his preferences then I wouldn't bother. He's now trying to say the right things but if he had gone about this in the right way he would have been upfront

Give him a chance OP he seems to get it’s a two person deal. If he keeps pushing it in future then it’s time to rethink but if not, happy days

The fact that you are confused still shows how naive you are, and exactly why you were ‘selected’. Sorry if that’s hard to hear- but these ‘poly’ men on dating apps purposely seek out women like you.

This man has given you no commitment- after 3 months you are still ‘seeing each other’. And he wants to ‘see’ others.

You are being groomed for threesomes and to go to sex clubs. Please send the text a pp suggested and block him.

OP, better make a clean cut as you both want very different things. Better for you not to be in closed quarters with him or he might try to make you change your mind and to give it a go. Tbh I think it's fine for people to try what they want but they must be in the right of mind otherwise you mind end up loathing yourself and what you've done.

And just because he has texted you basically ‘abuse is bad and I am not into that’- doesn’t mean he’s going push his luck. Gaslighting 101.

Hi
His reply is deliverately evasive and manipulative. He is playing you.
You need to completely disengage from him...I worry that even if you try to end this he will talk you round.
No offence but you are too trusting and still trying to believe there is a good side to him.

There isn't.

End the relationship, using simple and clear language. If he comes back at you persuading you to see him again you can say: 'Now that I know your sexual preferences, this has put me off you completely. I no longer want a relationship with you and there is no way back for me.' Then - I agree with others - block him.