Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

Honestly its gross, if he takes part in any of that sort of thing then he'll likely have various stds and condoms don't protect against it all. My rule is if you are sleeping with me then you can't sleep with anyone else and if you sleep with someone else you won't be sleeping with me, end of.

No sorry that’s unacceptable. Polyamory is supposed to be about open and honest communication and mutual agreement - not something you land on someone after three months once you know they are already interested to see if you can persuade them to accept it. He should have been honest from the start that this is the lifestyle he likes.

If he was truly interested in it being about what everyone wants he would have let you know right from meeting you.

I agree with other PPs

your sexual interests are just not my thing, and never will be. Sadly we're clearly incompatable, so there's really no point in us meeting up this weekend. Then block

Nothing good is going to come or listening to him. Or meeting up again.

He's been pushing it

His sexual preferences won't go away. You'll just get the ick at some point
He's not who you think you are as getting on well with someone is for when you know them well and there is nothing more fundamental a flaw in a relationship than being sexually incompatible

That response is gaslighting 101 and he’s expecting you to say “oh I didn’t say you were abusive, I know you’re not abusive” - and then he’ll coerce you into “both parties want it”.

Complete saddo. Find someone with a worthwhile hobby.

‘It has to be about what both people want. Not just about me as that would be abusive’. And told me he still wants to see me on the weekend. I’m even more confused now

You’ve already told him what you want: that you don’t want what he does.

Question: why does he still want to see you?
Answer: he intends to work on you and is pretty sure of himself.

Don’t be confused. Don’t be taken in by the “I am a good person, I would never abuse you” line.

Grooming is manipulating someone into thinking they want what the groomer wants.

That’s if you haven’t got the ick already.

I mean seriously. Throes of passion and he puts your mind on “Brenda” and before you know it you’re not thinking sexy thoughts - you’re wondering what she fancies doing for her birthday and whether your DS gave back call of duty yet.

nothing would make my hole seal up faster than a lover talking about “Brenda”. What a pathetic specimen - he’d lose his hard-on soon enough if you said “hmmmmn imagine Geoff were here with us”.

This. ^ Why the F are you still considering meeting this man @Polkadotdress1 ? Tell him it's over FFS. Not that difficult is it? Personally I would rather pull out my fingernails with pliers than go swinging and dogging etc, and think it's as grim as fuck. (And it's often the least attractive people in society who do it.)

If I met a man and he told me he was into fucking multiple people at the same time, he wouldn't see me for dust. As I said, grim. 🤢

‘It has to be about what both people want. Not just about me as that would be abusive’. And told me he still wants to see me on the weekend. I’m even more confused now!

Really? If he gave a shit about what you wanted he would have told you from the outset rather than stringing you along for 3 months. Of course he wants to see you at the weekend, you didn't run like the wind when he told you about this even though it's not something you want, he must be delighted that he correctly assessed you as someone he could manipulate.

Do not think that if you say you're not interested in a poly relationship he will respect that. He will go behind your back to begin with and then wear down your objections over time and before you know it he will be bringing women home for "both of you". Why don't you just give it a go, you won't know if you like it until you try it etc etc.

And you didn't block him so you essentially told him you want to keep dialogue open and are receptive to being convinced he's a nice guy. He'll convince you of that and a lot more. You really need to ask yourself if that's what YOU WANT.

End it. He's testing your self-esteem to see if you can be manipulated into an open relationship with a fancy name.

It’s not something I’ve ever thought about or would be interested in personally.

Sounds pretty straightforward

Nothing confusing about it

he's trying to lead you into it
you admit you din't have solid boundaries and are at risk of being used

dump him. Tell him you don't date swingers. The end.

It sounds like you aren't sexually compatible. I wouldn't have an issue with this type of relationship. Although, everyone involved would need very clear boundaries.

He sounds like a waste of space, run like the wind and don’t look back!!

He says It has to be about what both people want
So you respond I'm glad you understand that we're not compatible and have different physical interests, so I'm going to leave it there. Goodbye and good luck.

Block his number and delete. Even if he agreed to be monogamous, you know he'd be thinking otherwise and this conversation would crop up again later.

Ethically non monogamous and yes it’s likely FabSwingers.

Personally I don’t understand why anyone would leave it 3 months before having this conversation. I tend to discuss before even a first date that I enjoy swinging, clubs etc.

If you’re aware of poor boundary setting now run for the hills and don’t look back!

It's not just the poly/swinging thing. He's also been sleazy a few other times, going on about your friend, another couple etc.

Ewwwww. Bin.

Unless you like sleazy in a man.

Run. Right now. This will never go away and he will only try guilt you into fulfilling his fantasies over time. If youre not on board then he’ll seek it elsewhere and hide it from you. This is not a compatible relationship, I’m so sorry. They wait until you’re in the “deep end” to reveal such things so it’s easier to convince you.

"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

His message is bullshit, nothing caring in there or apologetic. Have a look on Fabswingers, you’ll find him more than likely, you can narrow it down to an area, but put age minus 5 years or so to his actual age - they all do it. You’ll probably see he has feedback & can see who he’s been shagging. I found my boyfriend on there & it was a shocker.

OP, there is nothing to be confused about.

This man has absolutely no intention of respecting your boundaries. He has already been telling you about sex he’s had with other people - which you don’t like. He has already started trying to push you into this stuff by trying to make you indulge his fantasising during sex with you. He is active on a swingers’ forum. He is almost certainly having sex with other people while in a relationship with you. He is going to continue doing that. He will not stop trying to persuade you to get into it. He has spotted that you are someone with boundary issues and he has every intention of exploiting that. If he was any kind of decent bloke he would have been open about this from the start and looked for someone who was also into swinging instead of deliberately deceiving you about his intentions for months.

THERE. IS. NOTHING. CONFUSING. HERE. He is grooming you. Run a mile, block him and get yourself tested for everything possible at an STD clinic.

Haha Mick from football on the sidelines - You’re quite right though!

There’s nothing to be confused about!

He’s telling you in his own words (!) that it would be abusive to continue.

As someone who unashamedly has good self-esteem and rock solid boundaries, this situation is no good, and has alarm bells ringing and red flags waving all over the place. 🔔 🚩 🔔 🚩

The thing is, you KNOW THIS, too.

You’re just ignoring it.

He sounds awful, to me - the sort of person I’d take pleasure from dumping and moving on from.

There are zillions of men in the world. There is literally no shortage of them.

Why hang around for shitty scraps from a sub-standard one?!

Thank you all. Your responses have been really helpful, I have read them all.

@Minoloso I didn’t know that. I’m curious to have a look

Tell him:

‘You’re a sleaze and a liar. Take your wandering cock and fuck off’.