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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

392 replies

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:11

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

OP posts:
oldageprancer · 21/06/2022 07:16

Are you kidding? And do you really want a bit of a kicking on here as well, for some masochistic reason?
Well, good luck to you op. There are plenty of women like you on the scene, having sex they don't really want with a series of people to keep their partner happy. That's not going to do much for your self esteem either.
It's interesting to see that his tactics do actually work!

EBearhug · 21/06/2022 08:15

It's interesting to see that his tactics do actually work!

She's blocked him, so how have they worked?

Sswhinesthebest · 21/06/2022 08:45

EBearhug · 21/06/2022 08:15

It's interesting to see that his tactics do actually work!

She's blocked him, so how have they worked?

There is a later update. She’s seeing him again.

Minoloso · 21/06/2022 12:29

Oh well, shame to see your update. Enjoy! 🤯

Gnusmas · 21/06/2022 12:31

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You've given the green flag to an abuser to do what he wants with you. You're keen to please him but would you have sex with another man & /or woman to please him? Go and see a therapist for fuck sake.

SleeplessInEngland · 21/06/2022 12:34

Gingernaut · 16/06/2022 20:27

Run

You're being groomed for abuse

Run. Run a mile. Block him on all platforms

And today's hyperbole award goes to...

OP: he probably should have told you sooner but you know now, and clearly it's not a scene you're into so just walk away.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/06/2022 13:22

Please, please see a counselor. And I mean right away.

If your self esteem is rocky now, it will soon be completely in the toilet. You are allowing this man to manipulate you into betraying who you are and what you believe to be right. Don't let him do this to you, please I beg you.

Etinoxaurus · 21/06/2022 18:40

SleeplessInEngland · 21/06/2022 12:34

And today's hyperbole award goes to...

OP: he probably should have told you sooner but you know now, and clearly it's not a scene you're into so just walk away.

The problem is she’s not walking away.

RenegadeMatron · 21/06/2022 18:42

SleeplessInEngland · 21/06/2022 12:34

And today's hyperbole award goes to...

OP: he probably should have told you sooner but you know now, and clearly it's not a scene you're into so just walk away.

And today’s ‘hasn’t RTFT award goes to’….

Grumpusaurus · 21/06/2022 19:09

What a depressing update! Utterly pathetic!

GetThatHelmetOn · 21/06/2022 19:27

Polkadotdress1 · 20/06/2022 17:10

I do have issues with it though. I always have gone running back to men who treat me bad or are not right for me. Maybe I should explore why this is but I just don’t seem to be able to do it

It is normally one of two things:

  1. you are trying to prove them wrong so they can see how valuable you are

  2. You are trying to save them

Neither is worthy or necessary, people who treats you badly just need to be avoided.

RaspberryChouxBuns · 21/06/2022 21:51

Well I guess there is no helping some people. Good luck picking up the pieces OP. I hope you stay safe.

madasawethen · 22/06/2022 13:40

OP do you have children?

Is there a friend of family member you can talk to?

You truly can end this if you want to.
You mention past bad relationships you kept returning to.

You're not in them anymore so you are capable.

stealtheatingtunnocks · 22/06/2022 15:01

I agree with @madasawethen .

come on, @Polkadotdress1 youve said yourself he isn’t treating you well, that he’s ignoring you saying “no” and that you feel manipulated by him.

just because you have been treated badly in the past doesn’t mean you have to accept this is your lot from men.

you have a whole thread of women saying “eeeeeeewwww”. If all these women wouldn’t accept his behaviour then why should you?

does he make you feel good about yourself? Not the sex, I mean, do you feel like you matter, really matter to him?

as in, would he do mundane stuff just to help you? Boring stuff, not as an investment to get sex out of you, but just because he’s willing and kind?

do you think that if there was an emergency he’d drop everything and come running? What about if you sprained your ankle, would he do shopping and drop it round and cook you a meal and hand you an ice pack and painkillers without asking but he’s monitoring the time and anticipating what you will need? Would he sit down with you and help work out how you can pay for a new boiler when you’ve only just paid for a holiday? Would he offer to give you a lift to a night out even if it was eating into his evening, just because he knows your shoes are ludicrously uncomfortable but he respects your choice to be daft enough to wear them?

I’ve never had a man who’s done those things - but I’m aiming to raise two to be that guy.

a man who dismisses or tries to negotiate your “no” is not a good man. you know that.

You deserve to be heard, and what you said was “no”.

Yellowcat29 · 23/08/2022 21:37

Any update OP?

LoisLane66 · 23/08/2022 23:11

@stealtheatingtunnocks Brilliant comment. Spot on.

LoisLane66 · 23/08/2022 23:22

Are you happy having sex with an individual who has maybe shagged 2 women and a man before coming to your place on any night of the week. Don't you have any respect for yourself? If men can see that you don't care how they treat you then you're more or less asking to be abused. Snap out of it and walk away NOW or else have a lifetime of pain. Whatever we say, and the consensus is crystal clear, only you can sort this out. You need serious counselling to understand why you lie down and let men wipe their feet all over you because every time that happens you sink lower in your own estimation as well as theirs. He has no respect for you.

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