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AIBU?

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Original poster

Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

392 replies

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:11

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

OP posts:
SunnyShiner · 16/06/2022 20:51

I mean, I'm a people pleaser but not so sure if I'd take it as far as pleasing a whole gang of them at an orgy.

Dump him.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 16/06/2022 20:52

I accidentally dated a poly/swinger for 9 months before he told me, the cunt. Dumped him immediately and he started crying over none of his relationships ever work out. No shit. It was the dishonesty that made me really mad.

This is something that it's essential to mention up front.

He is deceitful. It's called lying by omission. Dump him.

rnsaslkih · 16/06/2022 20:52

get rid now

your lives/preferences aren’t compatible

and I do think he should have mentioned this rather niche hobby earlier

FriendlyPineapple · 16/06/2022 20:52

Oh, please. He just basically told you he shags around and has no intention of changing.

Run a million miles before your self esteem is destroyed.

UWhatNow · 16/06/2022 20:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DangerouslyBored · 16/06/2022 20:53

He waited three months to drop that shitty surprise on you. Yuk. Dump him pronto.

DuckBilledPlattyJoobs · 16/06/2022 20:54

Bunty55 · 16/06/2022 20:17

He's grooming you OP !

This, run for the hills 🏃‍♀️

FriendlyPineapple · 16/06/2022 20:54

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:34

My boundaries are not great and I have tendencies to do things I’m not always comfortable with or interested in just to please other people!

Well, if you know this surely you recognise what's happening here, and can run swiftly in the opposite direction.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 16/06/2022 20:54

pictish · 16/06/2022 20:19

What about if HIS friend was there? Mick from football.

Made me properly laugh

justjuggling · 16/06/2022 20:55

Sounds like you're being groomed to be a compliant, appeasing participant in his sleazy shenanigans. There is no riding off into the sunset together in this scenario. Tell him it's over, block his number, and ignore any attempt to reconnect. And do it sharpish.

Original poster
Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:55

Thank you all for the advice. It’s a shame as everything was going so well and I thought it may have been becoming more serious.

This does make me question who he is seeing as well as me and what he gets up too. I was due to see him again this weekend but now I’m just not sure what to say

OP posts:
WilsonMilson · 16/06/2022 20:56

Fucking run. There is no way in this world I would entertain this sort of shit.
Personally I am not into it, and clearly you are not into it either, so do not let your boundaries be swayed by this man who clearly just likes shagging anything with a pulse.

Also get an sti test as God only knows where he’s been.

“Imagine if your friend was here” urgh, wtf. Just no. Bin him immediately.

justjuggling · 16/06/2022 20:58

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:55

Thank you all for the advice. It’s a shame as everything was going so well and I thought it may have been becoming more serious.

This does make me question who he is seeing as well as me and what he gets up too. I was due to see him again this weekend but now I’m just not sure what to say

You say 'this isn't for me, good luck in the future, bye bye'

FOJN · 16/06/2022 20:59

I’m not sure why he hasn’t chose to met someone on there with the same preferences as him

He actively chosen not to because the majority of people involved in that life style understand the importance of boundaries. You have been chosen because he thinks you will be more malleable. Ask yourself what he has planned for you that he couldn't get from a woman interested in swinging. Why get you on the hook before telling you about this.

Whatever he has planned it does not include considering your wants, needs or feelings.

Run

Friars23 · 16/06/2022 20:59

Natural to feel a bit sad as this relationship is not going to be as you thought it had the potential to be. As others have said unless polygamy and swinging is for you - so wouldn’t be for me and many others - end it now as otherwise you are just storing up lots of hurt and emotional pain. I also think he should have told you from the beginning, false advertising!

Testina · 16/06/2022 20:59

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:35

But it’s definitely not something I’ve ever thought about. He likes to tell me his past sexual experiences too which I don’t really like either

^

“During sex he said think about if your friend was here too. Things along those lines.” (you didn’t like that, did you? But didn’t tell him)

You do things you’re not comfortable with.

Honestly, don’t date for a while and do some therapy or self help books.

satisbleakhouse · 16/06/2022 20:59

As they might say on the BBC- 'other men are available.'

ThreeRingCircus · 16/06/2022 21:00

He's waited 3 months to tell you something which is a make or break issue. Have you wondered why he's not dating someone from the swingers site? That would seem an obvious thing to do if you were looking for a like minded partner. He may seem lovely but his actions tell you he's not. Dump him and don't look back.

Absolutely this. I don't have any issue with swingers, not my cup of tea but to each their own. However he's purposefully not told you something that is absolutely fundamental on whether two people are compatible or not. Definitely dump him. It's major deceit and he's been leading you on. Grim.

DysonSphere · 16/06/2022 21:00

SunnyShiner · 16/06/2022 20:51

I mean, I'm a people pleaser but not so sure if I'd take it as far as pleasing a whole gang of them at an orgy.

Dump him.

😄

Idunnowhyibother · 16/06/2022 21:01

I'd send him a message ending it - if you don't know what to say I'm pretty sure the vipers wonderful ladies on here can help....
But seriously, being a bit wobbly with boundaries is a dream for him...he can slowly push you into acceptance. Don't even meet up with him to dump him!

AcrossthePond55 · 16/06/2022 21:01

You're sexually incompatible. You have no desire or interest in a 'swinging' lifestyle and that's exactly what he's into. Neither of you should expect the other to change.

Even if he said he'd 'give it up' for you, chances are at some point he'd become unhappy with the 'restrictions' you've placed on his sex life and start pressuring you to 'reconsider'. Think how hard that would be on you if your lives had become truly 'entwined' emotionally or worse, if you were living together or married!

And NEVER consent to 'try' anything that you have moral or other objections to just because someone says you 'may' like it or they try to guilt you into it. You'll feel like shit and they'll keep on it saying "You did it once".

End it now.

PhilInt · 16/06/2022 21:02

I'm pretty near exactly where you are, apart from the guy I am dating has a form of sex addiction (which to be fair is different from swinging which isn't necessarily damaging to himself and others). It's so disappointing, I get why he didn't straight up tell me but he allowed me enough time to feel the compatibility and get invested.

So I definitely feel for you, feels like a bait and switch. And yes, we should both be cutting our losses and finding guys we are compatible with, there's compromise and then there's destroying your own boundaries and likely self esteem.

HappypusSadpus · 16/06/2022 21:03

Has he just mentioned he's used Fabswingers, OP? Because that's just a shag site for married people really 🤣

rwalker · 16/06/2022 21:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

spot on

The fact you are questioning it mean it not for you .

doodlejump1980 · 16/06/2022 21:07

I’d be getting an STD check if I were you!