Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

I think you (intentionally) missed the point. I have no obligation to validate anyone's life choices. You (generic you, not personal) do you and I'll mind my own business. I will continue to mind my own business until your life choices are unlawful or harmful to others. I was making a point about my own approach so I'm not sure how you concluded I was suggesting polyamory was unlawful.

I refuse to validate anyone for anything, it's utterly meaningless rubbish. Other people are not required to refrain from expressing an opinion because it might hurt someone's feelings. It's codependent outsourcing at best and highly manipulative at worst.

It's not in a woman's DNA to be poly.

It's men (somehow) getting a woman to be cool with it, so he can shag around.

Maybe these women have low self esteem, or maybe they will do anything to keep their man, but I don't believe that any of them, deep down, like sharing their husband with multiple other females.

We are not hard wired that way.

I don't believe that any of them, deep down, like sharing their husband with multiple other females.

You're not hardwired that way. That doesn't mean it doesn't work for others. Also, polygamy doesn't just mean polygyny, where one man has more than one wife, - it also covers polyandry, where one woman has more than one husband, or a bigger group, either mixed or same sex. Most (if not all; I don't know) jurisdictions won't recognise such marriages. But polyamory can involve all sorts of combinations, living together or not, possibly with primary pairings, but not always. I think it takes a lot more emotional work to decide on what works in any particular poly grouping, and it doesn't mean anything goes; polyamorists in most cases will probably have thought harder about what their boundaries are and agreed them than a lot of people in more conventional relationships. It doesn't mean it can't ever work and that everyone is hardwired for heterosexual monogamy.

But I do think that it definitely isn't for everyone, and to be ethical, you need to be open about it upfront, which the guy in the original OP wasn't. He's just chancing his arm and hoping to shag around rather than approaching it honestly and openly.

You! You are ignoring that OP has said poly is not for her. It might be for you but however OP sees it that is her opinion and your insistance on making sure she knows you think she is wrong, is expressing an opinion you find fault with, is the same behaviour as he showed when he continued to try and persuade her of the same.

Not you @girlmom21

Fucking hell, this thread took a turn.

Not everyone is the same. Try to find space in your heart to accept that people are different from you without being broken. Difference is not a crime or a failure. It's ok for other people to live lives that are not like yours, so long as they are not hurting anyone. We don't have to agree, but making wild statements about DNA (does this mean people not like you are not even human?) is a bridge too far.

This guy is not All People Who Are Poly. He's one person, and the OP has wisely dumped him. The extrapolations here are just utter bollocks.

Hi all.

I wasn’t strong enough and unblocked him. My feelings for him are so strong and I just can’t part with him. It just hurt too much. I ended up seeing him at the weekend and he was showing me things on there.

My self esteem is really low at the minute and I just feel like I want to please him and keep him. The sex is absolutely amazing too so that didn’t help. I appreciate all the replies on here. I need talking down I’m finding it really hard!

@Polkadotdress1 this man is not your friend. He's hurting you and he doesn't respect you. He has correctly identified your vulnerability and he will pressure you into abusive sexual situations. Please walk away now.

Your self esteem will never recover if you keep allowing someone to treat you so so badly. Be your own best friend right now, and block this absolute asshole.

I was doing nothing of the sort. My words were 'Agree this particular guy is a cunt, but polyamory in general is not the same thing as cheating.' Directed at a pp, not the OP, and in no way an attempt to 'persuade' the OP into going along with what this awful guy wants.

As for 'It might be for you', I have already stated on this thread that I am not poly.

You seem to be reading very selectively to suit your own assumptions.

I think this argument must be put aside now and this thread has to be about the OP. Disarm, everyone? The OP needs support.

I don't think we can talk you down. With all that has been said on this thread you either find that he gives you the 'ick' or he doesn't.

You 'weren't strong enough' your 'feelings for him are so string' is daft talk, you are now choosing to give up your control, like some daft heroine in a Victorian novel. Your choice. You will get burned, you know that!

But, if the sex is so good that you "just feel like I want to please him and keep him" maybe you could wrte your own novel and make good money out of the experience. Seriously.... creative writing classes need to be so much better than that!

I do have issues with it though. I always have gone running back to men who treat me bad or are not right for me. Maybe I should explore why this is but I just don’t seem to be able to do it

Instead of exploring it why don't you do it?

If you can't handle it now how will you feel when he is off having sex with other women when you are even more emotionally involved with him? I suggest you seek some kind of CBT and/or hypnotherapy to help you.

OP can you honestly not anticipate how this will pan out and how that will feel?

🤷🏻‍♀️ Good luck, OP.

It’s all feeling a bit attention-seeky now.

Your life, your choices.

Watch anna runkle /the crappy childhood fairy. On youtube

There are a couple you should watch assp, "why you are set up to be the side chick".

Please watch it!

For the sake of one month's tough no contact you will erode yourself

Dont collude with your own erasure.

Have you heard of Natalie Lue?

She has a great book that i ordered after that jackass told me he was a voyeur. I thought i loved him at the time. Now i see him for the predator he was.

Sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick @SamphirethePogoingStickerist

OP in the kindest way he doesn't care for you like you care for him. If he did he'd respect you and your boundaries.
Please don't let him destroy them.

OP if you're self esteem is low now it will be none existent if you allow this man to consume you. Sex in whatever form requires the enthusiastic consent of all parties. If his sexual interests are not shared by you it will just leave you feeling used and grubby.

I wish you luck but I can't see this working out well for you in the long term so at some point you will have to deal with pain of not being with him.

@RenegadeMatron@SamphirethePogoingStickerist

This tripe about you're not strong enough smacks of attention seeking.

Have some self respect if this is outwith your boundaries and remove yourself from his "obvious" irresistible clutches ffs.

Sorry should say agree with @RenegadeMatron and @SamphirethePogoingStickerist

Yep. Don't be so daft. Just block him before you get into a real mess.

You’ll have to explore it or it will keep happening. Either you summon your courage and face what is causing you to value yourself so little or each successive man will slowly erode you until you end up twenty years down the line with nothing romantically but a string of users and bad relationships behind you.

It’s not easy but until you figure out if you want happiness more than you want to cling onto the fantasy of a bad man suddenly treating you right you’ll repeat this pattern.

Your choice. He’s obviously waited till now to drop the bombshell, because he knows he’s sucked you in enough. A deliberate action to take advantage of you. Not the actions of a truthful, kind and respectful guy, who despite his tastes, would have been open with you from the beginning.

Its all going to plan for him op. You can choose to get out of his manipulative clutches, or you can choose to go down this rabbit hole with him. Where do you think it will lead to? Look into the future? What will life be like? He’s told you clearly who he is and what your role will be. You can choose to be hurt now or you continue down this path where there is nothing but even more hurt, waiting.

Your life, your choice.