Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

[Polkadotdress1]

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

Good grief OP, you told him no and he hasn't respected your decision. That's just wrong. Dump, block, be wary next time. Sorry you had to go through this!

He knows I have self doubt and self esteem issues also which may be why is he doing it.

There is no "may" about it. Targeting Somone you know has low self esteem and poor boundaries is about as predatory as it gets. There is nothing good about this man. He's told you who he is, more fool you if you maintain any kind of contact with him.

Your last message should be "no, I'm blocking you, never contact me again". And then do it.

He’ll be on fab swingers, the terminology he’s using sounds right.

Polkadotdress1 you really, really need to do some work on your boundaries. This one's such a slime.

He knows I have self doubt and self esteem issues also which may be why is he doing it.

It is, absolutely. These "poly" people target women with low-esteem and convince them they're in a valid relationship rather than being cheated on constantly.

I strongly advise stopping the dating, especially online, until you've done some work on your boundaries and what healthy relationships look like. You're a prime target at the moment.

Polkadotdress1 Don't agonise over the loss too much, yes it hurts because you got feelings attached but you've jumped out of the fire.

Stay out of the fire. Find a nice man who wants the same things and don't compromise on what you need. Contrary to popular opinion there are many out there.

Take any new relationship slowly and don't jump into sex too quickly or worse, be pushed into it. Know thyself, sex makes holding boundaries or leaving a bad situation harder if you have self-esteem issues. Get to know the person fully and dump at any suggestion of sex after initial meeting.

" why are you asking for photos of me? I've already told you that we don't have a future. There is absolutely no point in me seeing you this weekend. We're done"

What a creep

There's nothing wrong with poly/swingers/ENM and for some of us it works extremely well (and contrary to popular opinion here it's not just seedy men who want to sleep with as many women as possible)

Yes, but ENM is ethical non-monogamy, and failing to mention it for 3 months isn't very ethical. It's fine if you're making an informed choice, but OP wasn't given that option.

On the positive side, having not thought about it before, you'll be a lot clearer in your mind if another guy brings it up in future. You are now sure it's not for you.

Message him and say “I have told you it’s not something I’m interested in, so I’m now going to say goodbye” then block him. Don’t over think it, don’t give him any leeway on thinking you might be interested in joining in with his games.

Do get a STI test, though most swingers I have spoken too are very careful.

What the hell? He is a wrong’un for sure. I can’t believe he wanted a full length photo to add to his profile l, sounds like he wants to train you up to get girls for him. Grim.

Goad you’re blocking him and sorry you had such an experience.

OP, I will say this, but NEVER, EVER, send nudes to a man. Even if he can betrusted with them, which many can't, his phone could be hacked or his next girlfriend could find them and spread them around. Unfortunately, this shit happens all the time.

I can't repeat this enough: NEVER SEND NUDES!

He also spoke about sex very soon after we got chatting and offered to come and give me a massage etc. This was on day one of texting!

You really weren’t joking when you said you have boundary issues, were you?

Seriously, did that not ring alarm bells for you?

I genuinely think you need to stop dating for a while and get some help dealing with your self-esteem, boundaries, assertiveness etc before you start looking for a relationship. You are incredibly vulnerable at the moment.

Just stop engaging with him. He's using your naivety and insecurity against you. Do not allow him to do this.

Do not text him again. Block him and delete all of his messages. Get yourself tested for stis. And move on.

Thanks all. Now blocked but before I did it he said about ‘two penises at the same time’....

But in much more explicit way 🤔

Well done. This man had absolutely zero respect for you or your boundaries.

Onwards & upwards OP! Well done for recognising he was a wrong un. His sad ass loss.

before I did it he said about ‘two penises at the same time’....

Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Well done for blocking. Bin these at the first sign in future @Polkadotdress1 x

I'm so glad you blocked him. He sounds absolutely awful. Please use this as the first step in learning how to assert your boundaries and put your own needs first.

Please take the learning from this forward, OP.

You know the warning signs - don’t ignore them next time.

Remember: A Man is not better than no man.

Wow, blocked not a moment too soon. He really ramped things up after he'd told you about his swinging lifestyle.

I'm sure you feel quite sad and hurt about how things have turned out but please remember you developed feelings for a man that didn't exist. He was acting until he felt confident he'd got you hooked and could persuade you to his way of thinking.

🙈
Make a commitment to yourself that you won’t send a man naked photos again, ever.

Spot on. I don't like the cookie cutter hatred on poly lifestyle - it's between consenting adults, no need to look at it from a moralistic pov when it's none of our business etc - but what this guy doing is certainly cunning. Then again it's in no way a crime, there will always be people who want you to do what they want. It's up to you now to choose what you want, protect your own interests AND MOVE ON since this is not what you want. Don't keep second guessing yourself, he will use that to his advantage.

It may not be your thing but that doesn't make a alternative lifestyle between consenting adults 'sordid'. There are plenty of sordidness that can and does happen in conventional monogamy too.