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Original poster

Man I am seeing dropped a bit of a bombshell now I’m unsure what to do

392 replies

Polkadotdress1 · 16/06/2022 20:11

Hi

I have been seeing a man for about three months. At first it was just casual but we do get along well and have had some nice dates etc. I have developed feelings for him but I have not told him this.

I saw him the other day and he dropped a bit of a bombshell. Think interest in swinging, poly etc. Which he also on a forum for. This is not something I have any experience or interest in and I feel quite confused. I do really like him but I’m just not sure what to do. Any advice welcome

OP posts:
madamemeow · 18/06/2022 01:38

ManateeFair · 16/06/2022 22:17

OP, there is nothing to be confused about.

This man has absolutely no intention of respecting your boundaries. He has already been telling you about sex he’s had with other people - which you don’t like. He has already started trying to push you into this stuff by trying to make you indulge his fantasising during sex with you. He is active on a swingers’ forum. He is almost certainly having sex with other people while in a relationship with you. He is going to continue doing that. He will not stop trying to persuade you to get into it. He has spotted that you are someone with boundary issues and he has every intention of exploiting that. If he was any kind of decent bloke he would have been open about this from the start and looked for someone who was also into swinging instead of deliberately deceiving you about his intentions for months.

THERE. IS. NOTHING. CONFUSING. HERE. He is grooming you. Run a mile, block him and get yourself tested for everything possible at an STD clinic.

Show quote history

This.

OP, there's literally nothing to be confused. Just because he says it's a two person thing etc, doesn't mean he will change himself for you. Do not expect him to become 'normal' for you, it's not going to happen. It should not either, he likes what he likes, that's his right. As it is for you, to like what you like.

There's just two options before you.

If you want to try his way of lifestyle because it intrigues you and it doesn't make you go ick no way eww, then you can consider meeting him this weekend, give him a chance, etc. Be aware that it will come with its own pluses and risks, just like any other lifestyle (incl monogamy).

If poly/swinging lifestyle is not for you (it def is not for everyone and with good reasons), if it makes you uneasy, if you are strictly into monogamy, then respect your own preferences and boundaries THEY ARE VALID no matter what he or anybody says, and just block him. No more contact or conversation.

Plenty of other fish in the sea, really, that do not tie you up knots and make you so worried/confused.

madamemeow · 18/06/2022 01:50

Blackbirdblue30 · 17/06/2022 10:34

I have a similar circumstance except its a same sex relationship and there isn't swinging or casual sex. She believes its fine to love more than one person at once. I've thought and learned long and hard about poly (I'm not) relationships. As much as I adore this person, and I believe in a certain level of consensual, safe, sexual freedom, I can't take my girlfriend having another girlfriend. We broke up a week ago and it has been the week from hell but I am already better for finding, learning about and owning my boundary.

sorry it didn't work out... but I think you made the right choice for yourself, after thinking it through. That's always a good thing. You are already feeling better, which means you did what's the best for you.

madamemeow · 18/06/2022 01:56

ManateeFair · 17/06/2022 16:31

He also spoke about sex very soon after we got chatting and offered to come and give me a massage etc. This was on day one of texting!

You really weren’t joking when you said you have boundary issues, were you?

Seriously, did that not ring alarm bells for you?

I genuinely think you need to stop dating for a while and get some help dealing with your self-esteem, boundaries, assertiveness etc before you start looking for a relationship. You are incredibly vulnerable at the moment.

OP, listen to this and pls stop dating for a while... just date yourself, as the saying goes - work on loving yourself, rediscovering your self, understanding what you want and how to make sure you never allow another person to confuse you about your own preferences and boundaries.

(also, the comment about 2 penisses ewwwwww what a creep! So glad you have blocked him)

kateandme · 18/06/2022 05:15

FOJN · 17/06/2022 20:41

Wow, blocked not a moment too soon. He really ramped things up after he'd told you about his swinging lifestyle.

I'm sure you feel quite sad and hurt about how things have turned out but please remember you developed feelings for a man that didn't exist. He was acting until he felt confident he'd got you hooked and could persuade you to his way of thinking.

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This

me4real · 18/06/2022 11:42

It may not be your thing but that doesn't make a alternative lifestyle between consenting adults 'sordid'.

@madamemeow Maybe not in theory, but how this particular bloke is going on about sex is sleazy and creepy. And he's getting off on saying these things.

ChairPose9to5 · 18/06/2022 12:24

She's not consenting. He asked her for a photo to cheer him up.

SORDID

Whitehorsegirl · 18/06/2022 13:12

OP the fact that he is poly should have been mentioned on your very first date. This is what a genuine, ethical poly person would have done. People will also usually put that info on their dating profile as well so that they meet likeminded people and everything is clear from the beginning.

As it stands he waited until he knew you were hooked/had developed feelings for him to speak about this.

This tells you everything you need to know about him...

This is not about whether being poly is right or wrong it is first about his lack of honesty.

Not to mention the fact that being poly/swinging means more sexual partners and you should have yourself checked for STDs if you have had unprotected sex with that man.

Do yourself a big favour, dump the guy and get yourself checked.

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 13:26

I don't think he is poly. It sounds like sex with multiple people is a kink. That's different, is it?

christinarossetti39 · 18/06/2022 13:54

Well done for blocking Polkadotdress1.

You are well shot.

I'm sorry that you've sent nudes to him before, as you'll now be wondering what he's done with them, but that's another boundary to make sure is firmly there in the future.

EBearhug · 18/06/2022 15:31

I don't think he is poly. It sounds like sex with multiple people is a kink. That's different, is it?

Still should have mentioned it upfront, however you label it.

RenegadeMatron · 18/06/2022 16:50

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 13:26

I don't think he is poly. It sounds like sex with multiple people is a kink. That's different, is it?

You’re quibbling over what to call it………?

So what if it’s different?

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 16:53

Well I think it's offensive to those who say they practice polyamory to allow him to use that as his excuse, so yes, what it's defined a does matter, even if none of us understand it.

I'm not 'quibbling' over what to call it.

RenegadeMatron · 18/06/2022 17:06

Again - so what if it’s different?

Does that absolve him from not being upfront about it, and for being a complete creep with it?

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 17:09

@RenegadeMatron I haven't suggested that at all. I don't know why you're making things up thank couldn't even be falsely misinterpreted from what I've said.

Read my earlier posts. I told the OP to dump the creep because he'll just grind down her boundaries and pressure her into something she's not comfortable with.

What I'm saying is that he's not polyamorous. He's just a cunt who thinks that would be enough of an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend.

ConsuelaHammock · 18/06/2022 17:10

Run !

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/06/2022 17:18

He's just a cunt who thinks that would be enough of an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend.

Yeah. I.e. he's "poly".

me4real · 18/06/2022 17:29

@RenegadeMatron @EBearhug I think what the PP meant is people are saying that ethical polyamory is ok. But that tends to have a deeper element to it, and have ethics.

This bloke, on the other hand, is just a sleazeball who likes sexual shenanigans, the more 'out there' the better. (I mean that's fine as well maybe, but a lot of women find a guy who goes on about sex like that unappealing.)

girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 17:48

Thanks @me4real. You explained it better than I did.

me4real · 18/06/2022 17:51

@girlmom21 Sorry, I hadn't spotted your response before I posted. Smile You explained it fine. x

Ijsbear · 18/06/2022 18:10

Polkadotdress1 · 17/06/2022 18:56

Thanks all. Now blocked but before I did it he said about ‘two penises at the same time’....

Polka .. remember this guy and remember his way of operating. The moment you see something similar, block.

also, read up on "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft

Original poster
Polkadotdress1 · 18/06/2022 18:41

Thank you all for your advice on here. I’m feeling a bit better today but I still think it’s a shame it wasn’t what I thought it would be. Looking back there were a lot of red flags to start with though which I should have picked up on.

thank you. @Ijsbear I will look that up!

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 18/06/2022 18:44

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 18/06/2022 17:18

He's just a cunt who thinks that would be enough of an excuse to cheat on his girlfriend.

Yeah. I.e. he's "poly".

Agree this particular guy is a cunt, but polyamory in general is not the same thing as cheating.

Original poster
Polkadotdress1 · 18/06/2022 18:48

When he spoke to me about it he basically said that if he was to meet someone and there was a mutual attraction, then he would consult with his partner and see what she thinks. If she didn’t feel the same attraction then it wouldn’t go ahead

when he spoke about the swinging forum he said you chat and meet up with others for group sex, swapping partners etc.

In summary, he just doesn’t want only one sexual partner!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 18/06/2022 18:59

Polkadotdress1 · 18/06/2022 18:48

When he spoke to me about it he basically said that if he was to meet someone and there was a mutual attraction, then he would consult with his partner and see what she thinks. If she didn’t feel the same attraction then it wouldn’t go ahead

when he spoke about the swinging forum he said you chat and meet up with others for group sex, swapping partners etc.

In summary, he just doesn’t want only one sexual partner!

But this makes it sound like he'd build an emotional relationship then only end then if his partner didn't fancy his new girlfriend.

That's not just sex.

If he was just a swinger the boundaries would be much clearer.

me4real · 18/06/2022 19:12

When he spoke to me about it he basically said that if he was to meet someone and there was a mutual attraction, then he would consult with his partner and see what she thinks. If she didn’t feel the same attraction then it wouldn’t go ahead

But this makes it sound like he'd build an emotional relationship then only end then if his partner didn't fancy his new girlfriend. That's not just sex. If he was just a swinger the boundaries would be much clearer.

@girlmom21 I think he was trying to persuade OP that it was fine, so he made it sound more wholesome, decent, and 'romantic' than it actually would've been with him. He also has a threesome /group element in the statement, saying he also wanted his partner to fancy/'feel an attraction' to the woman.

This is kind of coercive as OP did not sign up for that. It can be safely assumed that someone's relationship goal is monogamy unless they've said otherwise, plus OP would've ticked the box to say what she was after on the dating site probably.

So, he had started dating OP one on one and then soon tried to push the goalposts in a way she hadn't said she was interested in.

Polyamory isn't necessarily/primarily wanting a 'threesome' either. Otherwise more blokes would call themselves polyamorous lol as it's a common sexual fantasy for them.

This bloke just had a lot of sexual fantasies/stuff he wanted to do, and wanted OP to help him tick them off his list.