DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

😂😂😂

Spaceship, I think I love you. Not sure about wanting to have your babies, but can I move in to your gaff & have you make me a picnic? I will pay £5 toward your living costs, & only alienate you from your children if you expect me to look after them solo for 2 hours.

Just because their father lives there doesn't mean it's the DC home. Not all children from divorce have two homes. A lot live with their mothers and just visit their fathers.

Your DP was a dick for saying what he did in front of his children. Any fallout from what he said is on him. At the end of the day, you are not tied to any of them. He is the one who will have to move out if the relationship ends.

Trying not to bite on this so apologies but why post if you don't think you were BU and "have done nothing wrong" 🙄

The majority is with you but I don't think at 70:30 you should be as confident in yourself. As it is, it sounds like you recognise that the current set up doesn't work and hopefully he gets his own space sorted to avoid incidents like today.

That's not a like for like comparison though.

The equivalent would be getting him to take them away for the night and not see them all day.

When it's your own DC you may want a break for a bit because the rest of the hours they are there with you. This isn't the case here. It would be a couple of hours max as as OP has said, he is working tonight.

@Alb0 You genuinely can't see a time when you'd love your husband/partner to take your kids out of your hair for a few hours?

Really?

No... but then I'm a single parent and have been since day one so you get used to going to your bedroom, closing the door, and letting disney and micropizzas do the parenting for you when you're ill.

So I will accept my point is unreasonable because lots of people have another parent to rely on, but it doesn't make my own personal opinion any less true.

My point was that if I moved into a new partner's home and he told me to take the kids out because he was sick I'd wonder why he couldn't just go to bed, and if that was because he saw the place as his space that he wanted to himself, fancied watching telly and couldn't possibly use youtube or netflix on his phone, then I'd be looking for another place to live as clearly we're not on the same page.

It's not really about wanting the father of your children to take them out and give you some peace, that's a totally different situation, it's about a non-parent partner seeing the home as theirs to the point they can't / won't / don't want to vacate the living room for a couple of hours so the parent partner can give their kids tea.

I do accept OP didn't tell her DP, she asked him. It was more a general point about when people move in together, I would fully expect the home to be equal.

And of course he was the arsehole for saying that with the kids in earshot - there's no denying that.

It would be a couple of hours max

Does it matter?

The OP's room is right next to the loungeroom. There is no space there.
She is ill. Is it really that big of a deal for him to take them to McDs for 1 (one) night?

I think alot of people are completely misreading my OP. I didn't ask whether I was unreasonable. I know I'm not. I asked whether people thought he was being unreasonable for making that comment infront of the children. That, and that alone, was my AIBU.

He works nights and I work days.

If I'm not up to crafting picnics and entertaining children due to severe flooding and serious pain I'm not likely to be at work either am I?

I wouldn’t expect you to go to work - but that means you’ve had 2 days off work and nights by yourself to be in pain/recover and so a couple of hours isn’t much to ask, especially if you can just sit in your room by yourself (you don’t need peace and quiet).

It’s different if they were staying the entire weekend and you needed a few hours break but they’ve not been there for at least 2 days and they won’t be there again for another 2 days.

I initially voted YANBU and I still think he was BU for saying it in front of the DCs.
But the more you post the more I think YABU.

OK that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion.

Sorry, why doesn’t she need peace and quiet? Because you say so?

Lots of step mum haters here, deliberately misunderstanding the OP.

You genuinely can't see a time when you'd love your husband/partner to take your kids out of your hair for a few hours?

This is completely irrelevant.
Why do posters keep saying this.

This would only be relevant if they lived there FT or even PT and OP needs a break from them for whatever reason - then I’d completely agree that the parent needs to take them out for a few hours.

They’ve been at school and he work nights so they’d not even be in the house very long at all.

that means you’ve had 2 days off work and nights by yourself to be in pain/recover

Wtf did I just read?!??

As if there is a time limit on days off work for ill, and 'to be in pain' makes it sound like it's a choice 'to be' in pain/recover, and like as if someone ill should have 'recovered' in 2 days. Absolutely ignorant, insensitive and unbelievable.

Well yeah it does matter if you are making a false equivalence between this situation and if they were living with them all the time, which posters have.

They’ve been at school and he work nights so they’d not even be in the house very long at all.

Why do you think that matters?

What difference does it make? She made a very, very reasonable request. He could have taken them to softplay, to Maccas, to the cinema, to anywhere. They didn't have to go to the house. FT or PT makes zero difference. She was ill. She made a a simple and more than reasonable request. That's all there is to it.

Again, what difference does it make if they were there full time, part time, or no time?

OP was ill. She made a more than reasonable request. That's really all there is to it.

“He’d have been sent to bed”??? You think OP’s non council tax or bill paying boyfriend should have sent her to bed, in this scenario? Are you feeling alright?

It's as if people think because the kids don't live there that the OP is unreasonable in being ill and flooding herself every 45 mins. As if where they live, makes a difference in the validity of the OP's illness. I don't get it.

It's not irrelevant.

Why are my chronic gynae issues less deserving of consideration than, say, their mothers would be?

If somebody needs their partner to take the kids out the house to allow for rest and peace then they should do that, if they're a half decent person.

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

It's not my fault, nor my doing, that their contact schedule is as it is. Just because he doesn't jabe them 50:50 doesn't mean I deserve any less consideration when I'm genuinely ill and need some peace and quiet.

for me all that matters is that the dad made his kids aware that there was an issue. For no reason other than to prove a point to op. He was happy to let his kids feel shit to do this. Oh and it wasn’t actually true . He actually isn’t providing a place for contact, op is. She asked for consideration in her illness and was made out to be unreasonable. What are his good points op?

I know right! It's crazy making.

I really, really appreciate some of you having my back here.

OP serious question - why are you with this "prince" of a man?

He is unable to try to live on his own even in a studio flat.

He is unable to look after his children on his own when he was sharing with a male friend. He run off to his parents when he had them over a weekend.

He expects you to parent his children when he's around yours.

He is unable to show empathy and consideration to you when you are ill but instead makes snide comments because you are unable to do the drudge work for his children.

He doesn't pay his full share of the bills in your home so you subsidise him. I bet you do all the house work with because he uses the excuse it is your home.

I'm seriously asking myself the same question right now, so I couldn't possibly give you an answer off the top of my head.

It's all a bit of a piss take isn't it?

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

Sorry OP I really can’t see you or your DP having the DCs there for 3 whole days every month because their mum is having bad period pains and having to change her san pro more regularly.

‘Comprised of’ is bad grammar. It should be ‘composed of’ or ‘comprising’. 😂