DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

OP chose to get involved with someone with DC

And now she can choose to dump his sorry ass.

Yeah - whatever the debate about whether you should have asked them to go to the park in the first place (I think it's totally fine btw and you were being flexible by adapting plans when you saw how hot it was).....he agreed to it, and then he used it against it you in front of the kids. If he was upset about you asking him to take them out, he shoudl have talked to you about it. But absolutely not shared that with his DC. I imagine it's bloody hard being the partner of someone with DC from another relationship and he has really undermined you. Even if he wasn't happy with what you were asking - he should have bought it up with you and talked to you as the adults, not aired that in front of them as it will have made the DC feel rejected by you which isn't fair.

Yes she can. Seems like she doesn't consider him as living there as it is hers and sees the DC as visitors/guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Give over. You do not have the same condition as OP. If you did, you would never, ever, ever, EVER describe it as mere 'period pain'. So don't backtrack and lie now.

🤣🤣
Feel free to read through my old posts.

I posted not that long ago on someone else thread about me flooding at work and no one being available on the radio to come and take over from me - but no you obviously know me more than I know myself.

Saying that I am lying is a pretty disgusting thing to say. No one has accused the OP of lying about it and I hope they don’t either.

And I have autism so I often describe things as they are. I don’t mean to cause offence and I apologised to OP.

Seems like she doesn't consider him as living there as it is hers and sees the DC as visitors/guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

A very sensible thing to do, too, in the early stages. The "DP" hasn't proved himself in any way to be an actual partner, or shown any consideration of her needs.

Two pieces of advice:

1. Get rid of the cocklodger. He obviously moved in with you because it was easier than getting a place that was suitable for his kids too.

1. See a GP with a interest in endo or get referred to a gynae clinic. I don’t want to sound patronising but have you tried tranexamic acid to reduce the bleeding or under care for the endo? Remember it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

I know people can have it to varying degrees, so I'm sorry for insinuating that you don't if you do, but for me personally it is alot more than just period pains and heavy flow.

The pain can get so bad not even codeine will touch it and it reduces me to tears. I've been vomiting and have diarrhoea. I have to sit on a towel on the sofa / bed as the flooding is alot. None of that is nice for children to be around.

When I'm having a flare up I do spend alot of time in the bedroom, I just wanted to sit in the living room today and watch some tv / do something other than laying in bed dosed up on painkillers and scrolling through social media. My mental health has taken a huge nosedive this week and I just wanted to put myself first for once.

With all that in mind, I still quickly suggested they stay indoors when I realised how hot it was outside. I haven't been cruel at all.

OP you sound like a really lovely and caring stepmother and I am shocked that your partner would try to stir up bad feelings between you and his kids. He’s a bloody idiot at best and a fucking nasty arsehole at worst.

Your DP WBU OP, you've done nothing wrong
I cannot understand the posters going on about how DP needs to have a home to house his kids so it's somehow your responsibility to provide it. It is your home, you lived there first, he doesn't pay equal share. Good on you for maintaining that boundary, his kids are visitors and that is absolutely OK, it doesn't mean they don't feel welcome. It's up to DP whether he's bothered that it's your home and he's living in it, rather than a shared home between the two of you. If he's not happy it's up to.him to resolve (by moving out).

There is more than one way to step parent successfully and each situation needs to be considered in its own merits (seen lots of permutations amongst friends and family, there is no right way just whatever works for your situation)

In ideal world when parents divorce they would both set up homes that can accommodate all of their children permanently if required. The reality for lots of blended families is that kids don't always get two full homes with two bedrooms and 2 sets of clothes, toys etc. When parents split and the split isnt 50/50, it's just not always achievable as per PP comments, especially in London, you don't suddenly get a massive payrise when you divorce...
I'm afraid the way he treated you and made an issue out of nothing suggests he is not the one for you and he is just gokg through the motions with you to have somewhere to stay and house his kids because he is unable to provide sufficiently himself.

As for PP thinking endo is just a bad period ignore them and their obvious utter ignorance.

It is your home, you lived there first, he doesn't pay equal share. Good on you for maintaining that boundary,

Again if a man said this he would be torn apart.

I know people can have it to varying degrees, so I'm sorry for insinuating that you don't if you do, but for me personally it is alot more than just period pains and heavy flow.

I appreciate that and I’m often off work for it.
I also have friends who have it bad almost all of the time and they can’t work at all.

Every single doctor I have spoken to calls it periods pains and even on websites they call it period pains - so I genuinely don’t know what else to say.

For me saying stomach cramps or stomach pain doesn’t sound bad and just sounds like when you’ve been sat down too long but if these are the terms that people find less offensive then I will use them in future instead.

If you can both manage it financially, I would really strongly recommend that he gets his own place. Neither of you are being really unreasonable here I don't think.

You don't want other people's children around you when you feel like crap. That is reasonable.

He wants to bring his children to his home. That is also reasonable.

I really think you need to have the option of separate homes

Yanbu. Your dp should not have made that nasty little jibe when you were being kind in spite of your own pain. He is taking you for granted and I don’t think you should tolerate it. I would consider asking him to find his own space because he doesn’t appreciate the effort you are making subsidising the one that he has.

I took DD (2) out to the park this afternoon, I don't think it was too hot. I think it was fine for them to be out, especially if you're in pain and going through all of that. I think he was being unsympathetic and should have just said "no, it's fine". It wasn't THAT hot.

OP, you said upthread I think if I'm not allowed to make a reasonable request like today, once in a blue moon, then it would be better for everybody, esp the kids, if he got his own place (and then similar, later). You are absolutely right about this. He is monkey-barring around from the house/flat he shared with his ex, to his parents' place, to your place. He sounds very immature.

The situation you posted about would have been solved very easily with you saying "yes, I did say I was feeling very unwell, and I am still feeling very unwell, but it's more important that the children don't roast". But that isn't the essential problem. The essential problem is that he's freeloading off you and using you as a base to see his children.

He and his children are not your problem, unless you have decided to throw your lot in together and get married. Being a stepmother is different from being the children's dad's girlfriend. It's not a role I would ever have taken on, so I wouldn't criticise anyone else for not wanting to do it.

If I were you, and given that you are clearly intelligent and solvent, I'd let him sort his own family out and give him the push.

People I know with it call it Endo pain.

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much OP. I don’t have endo but I’m having a shit period and have felt like crap for days and the heat is making me nauseous and grumpy.

I don’t like the sound of him at all. Being in a relationship is supposed to make life easier, a partner is meant to add comfort and support to your shite days as a bare minimum. I’ve been a step mum a long time and I wouldn’t have lasted if DH had treated me like this. To succeed a blended unit needs time, reasonable boundaries, mutual consideration and a constant balancing of wants and needs - which you mention.

He sounds like a moocher, a selfish, entitled, thoughtless man who has the potential to be nasty and become more selfish the comfier he becomes. You’re giving him a home to accommodate his several children and this is what you get in return. It’s bull shit. It’s way less than you deserve.

Wait till you’re feeling better, take a step back and have a cold hard think about how this set up is serving you and your interests and happiness. I’d suggest telling him you’ll continue dating but he needs his own place and if that works out you can look at getting a new place together in a year/18 months. I bet he has a tantrum and dumps you. And then you’ll know.

He's a twat. Even if you were the most wicked SM in the world, he shouldn't drag the kids into it. If they felt unwanted or unwelcome, HE made them feel like that. He should've talked to you separately if he had a problem with it. Actually, if you are so awful he should just get his own place ,have the kids as much as he wants/when he wants and you can fit around them. But that's hard work isn't it? Twat.

No he shouldn't have said that, and like most posts of this nature he would be feeling the sharp side of my tongue if he did that.

He was being a twat. You made a polite agreement for him to them out so you could have a bit of time to yourself whilst ill. This is no big deal and something biological parents might have done. His comment was uncalled for.

The reason men get torn apart for that kind of comment is because in the vast majority of cases, the woman is earning less/nothing because she's looking after the children. Or simply gender pay gap. Or both. I've yet to see anyone defend a woman moving into her BF's house, not pulling her weight either financially or domestically, and expecting her BF to run around after her kids.

Speak for yourself. If I am feeling unwell for any reason I can certainly ask my husband to take the kids out of the house for a meal,
a few hours or even a day. We are a fairly active family and the kids are used to regularly doing things like a walk or bike ride, picnic at the beach, meeting friends, supper at Grandma’s or a casual neighborhood restaurant. Sometimes we all go together but if either DH or I have work to do or not feeling well or just need bit of peace and space then we will ask the other one to take the kids on their own. Isn’t that how families work??

They are around for a few hours max. I take it you wouldn't say take the DC out so I don't see them at all.

That is why the two scenarios aren't comparable.

I tried to discuss it with him and it was a total waste of time. First he apologised but then quickly became defensive and started going around the houses about 101 different things.

I was very clear in what I had taken issue with, him saying what he did infront of the kids thus painting me in a bad light, but he kept changing the subject.

He eventually circled back to a conversation we had some time ago about me asking him to tell them to keep the noise down because they were being incredibly loud and I've got neighbours upstairs and either side.

It's clear to me that his M.O is to make me look like an arsehole. Crystal clear and totally unnecessary. He has gone off to work now. Good riddance.

Again it does not matter a single jot how long they are around. They are around at least 3 times a week so it's not like she never sees them at all. She asked him ONCE to take them out for a couple of hours.

Why is that so bad, and so hard to get around?