Page 12 | DP making me look bad infront of his kids

Louisana6 · 2022-06-16T15:39:01+00:00

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea. I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it. It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today. He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc. They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here" He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here" What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother. He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 21:58

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 21:53

I tried to discuss it with him and it was a total waste of time. First he apologised but then quickly became defensive and started going around the houses about 101 different things.

I was very clear in what I had taken issue with, him saying what he did infront of the kids thus painting me in a bad light, but he kept changing the subject.

He eventually circled back to a conversation we had some time ago about me asking him to tell them to keep the noise down because they were being incredibly loud and I've got neighbours upstairs and either side.

It's clear to me that his M.O is to make me look like an arsehole. Crystal clear and totally unnecessary. He has gone off to work now. Good riddance.

Wow. He truly is a pig isn't he. I'd text him today to tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live and you'll leave a couple of bags outside for him to pick up, he can stay at his parent's place from tomorrow and he can pick up the rest of his things during the next week or so. His disrespect of you has my jaw dropping. I would be so furious I'd text him to say you want him gone today.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/06/2022 22:02

@Louisana6 Trust me the inherent sense of entitlement these types of men have means it will never get better. Seriously you need to get rid, step parenting is bloody hard at the very best of times even when your DP has your back but setting you up to be bad cop while you both financially and practically subsidise him to be good cop? Sod that. Honestly he will only get worse, I can guarantee it.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 16/06/2022 22:06

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:51

I think alot of people are completely misreading my OP. I didn't ask whether I was unreasonable. I know I'm not. I asked whether people thought he was being unreasonable for making that comment infront of the children. That, and that alone, was my AIBU.

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That makes no sense because the two are related ffs.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 22:13

I’m amazed he’s showing his colours so clearly but it’s a blessing. What are you going to do?

He seems extremely sure of himself and isn’t going to budge quietly if that’s what you think you’d like now. He has no rights to stay in your home but he’s acting like he owns the place.

I hope you kick him out. You deserve better, I’m saying it again.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 22:13

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 16/06/2022 22:06

That makes no sense because the two are related ffs.

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No they are not. Not at all.

If you had a fight with your spouse over their affair for example, would you expect the spouse to make a snide comment about their cheating, for example, in front of the children? I would hope not. I would hope you would expect a parent to be a more mature and caring parent and professional adult than to bring up adult issues in front of the children.

Adult issues, and commenting on adult issues in front of children, are two entirely different things.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 22:16

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 16/06/2022 22:06

That makes no sense because the two are related ffs.

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It would be like as if an OP posted 'my husband had an affair, and made a snarky comment in front of the children about the OW loving him and the kids better than I do.

AIBU for thinking he shouldn't have made that comment in front of the children?

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 22:17

I'll be honest he isn't the most intelligent man I have been with. I'm far from mensa material myself but his social and emotional awareness appears to be dithering at a level you'd expect from a teenager.

Communication has always been an issue. I foolishly overlooked that because I fell in love with the good parts of him but when the chips are down he clearly has no respect for me at all.

I wouldn't dream of saying something like that to him within earshot of children if it was going to paint him in a bad light.

OP posts:

SABM10 · 16/06/2022 22:28

Some of the comments here are insane.

Firstly, everyone going on and on about 'forcing the kids out', 'not being allowed in the house'and how unfair it was since they only get limited time with dad... Seriously, what do you think would be more of a fun bonding experience for dad and dc in that limited time? A picnic in the park (or McDonald's or cinema or whatever when it turned out to be too hot)? Or sitting in a cramped living room and gaming like they do most other weeks? Not sure why the first option is being presented as some form of punishment or deprivation - I know which I'd prefer!

Re endo, it's clear that a lot of people don't understand how bad it can be (and yes, I include the poster who appears to have a milder version of it in that!). I am lucky enough not to suffer from it but a close friend of many years does. She's a proper tough cookie - kickboxer, endurance runner, climber - always breaking bones or damaging herself in some way! Literally the only time I have ever seen her cry was when she was sobbing her heart out and keening with the pain while vomiting into the toilets and leaking blood at work. Another co-worker and I had to basically carry her back to her house, doubled over in pain. OP, you have my sympathies.

Also your partner sounds like bellend.

StressedMumm1e · 16/06/2022 22:33

@Louisana6 just out of curiosity, how long have you been together and how long have you been living together together?

badhappening · 16/06/2022 22:47

I think you’re far too emotionally intelligent for him and inappropriate idiotic comments like this will wear you down.
Perhaps it’s time to get rid of him and find someone on your own level.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 22:49

It sounds like you really dislike him and he resents you. You don’t need to stay with him. You can just break up.

badhappening · 16/06/2022 22:51

…also people who make such ridiculous and damaging comments like his, do it because they resent the other person (you).

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 23:17

We've been together for 4 years, living together for 2 of those.

If you'd have asked me 18 months ago whether I could forsee me being 'step mum' and throwing my all in I would have said absolutely but I have pulled back a bit (mentally that is - not from being friendly with the kids as i'm always kind and welcoming) .. but because he lead me up the garden path about marriage.

We had the talk about what each of us wanted in the future when we'd been dating a couple of months and I was clear in that I'd like to get married eventually. He was all for it and insisted he did too.

When I revisited the subject last year he had done a 180 and said he didn't want to get married, it's not important to him, bla bla bla.

From that point onwards I began doubting the longevity of the relationship (and his feelings for me actually) so its not as though the relationship was perfect or felt particularly strong. The cracks were there.

I do wonder if some of you are right in that he sees me as a convenient person to be with at the minute because its somewhere to have his kids, so whilst not a total cocklodger in the usual sense as he does contribute financially i do wonder how keen he would be to go back to dating and not living here...🤔

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 23:29

It’s definitely won’t testing the theory. I imagine he’ll have a full on tantrum. But equally it’s odd he’s got his feet so firmly under your table that he’s risking his meal ticket by being such a dick to you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 23:30

*worth testing

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 23:31

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/06/2022 23:29

It’s definitely won’t testing the theory. I imagine he’ll have a full on tantrum. But equally it’s odd he’s got his feet so firmly under your table that he’s risking his meal ticket by being such a dick to you.

It's the entitlement I suppose. He's so far up his own backside he doesn't give much thought to other people, neither me nor his kids today.

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 23:33

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 22:17

I'll be honest he isn't the most intelligent man I have been with. I'm far from mensa material myself but his social and emotional awareness appears to be dithering at a level you'd expect from a teenager.

Communication has always been an issue. I foolishly overlooked that because I fell in love with the good parts of him but when the chips are down he clearly has no respect for me at all.

I wouldn't dream of saying something like that to him within earshot of children if it was going to paint him in a bad light.

Op you clearly don’t like or respect the bloke. You’ve lived together for 2 years but still see it as your house, your space. I think splitting up is probably best (for him as much as you)

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 23:34

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 23:17

We've been together for 4 years, living together for 2 of those.

If you'd have asked me 18 months ago whether I could forsee me being 'step mum' and throwing my all in I would have said absolutely but I have pulled back a bit (mentally that is - not from being friendly with the kids as i'm always kind and welcoming) .. but because he lead me up the garden path about marriage.

We had the talk about what each of us wanted in the future when we'd been dating a couple of months and I was clear in that I'd like to get married eventually. He was all for it and insisted he did too.

When I revisited the subject last year he had done a 180 and said he didn't want to get married, it's not important to him, bla bla bla.

From that point onwards I began doubting the longevity of the relationship (and his feelings for me actually) so its not as though the relationship was perfect or felt particularly strong. The cracks were there.

I do wonder if some of you are right in that he sees me as a convenient person to be with at the minute because its somewhere to have his kids, so whilst not a total cocklodger in the usual sense as he does contribute financially i do wonder how keen he would be to go back to dating and not living here...🤔

He agreed with marriage before he moved in with you, to make you sweet. So now he has his feet firmly in your house and you running around after his kids, doing his parenting work preparing their picnics etc while you are so ill, he doesn't have to woo you with marriage because he has got what he wanted. Interesting he said it's "not important to him", he doesn't care whats important to you, does he? He's right Jack, stuff you, type of thing.

I'd definitely throw him out and start today. He thinks he's got it made, a subsidised house, someone to doing parenting for him, and then on top of that he disrespects you in front of his kids and expects you to cook dinner. Throw his arse out today, he can get his parents to do his kids picnic dinner.

Mally100 · 17/06/2022 03:13

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 23:17

We've been together for 4 years, living together for 2 of those.

If you'd have asked me 18 months ago whether I could forsee me being 'step mum' and throwing my all in I would have said absolutely but I have pulled back a bit (mentally that is - not from being friendly with the kids as i'm always kind and welcoming) .. but because he lead me up the garden path about marriage.

We had the talk about what each of us wanted in the future when we'd been dating a couple of months and I was clear in that I'd like to get married eventually. He was all for it and insisted he did too.

When I revisited the subject last year he had done a 180 and said he didn't want to get married, it's not important to him, bla bla bla.

From that point onwards I began doubting the longevity of the relationship (and his feelings for me actually) so its not as though the relationship was perfect or felt particularly strong. The cracks were there.

I do wonder if some of you are right in that he sees me as a convenient person to be with at the minute because its somewhere to have his kids, so whilst not a total cocklodger in the usual sense as he does contribute financially i do wonder how keen he would be to go back to dating and not living here...🤔

So now that you know what the real deal is, why have you accepted being messed around like this? You want to be married, he does not so why are you wasting your time. It does sound like it's convenient for him to have your place.

girlmom21 · 17/06/2022 06:19

I think the others are right, given your updates. This man is sticking around because you provide him and his children with something he can't.

I'm sorry that he's taking you for granted. You deserve a man who is true to his word.

Naunet · 17/06/2022 07:42

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:33

Children who have no control over their parents splitting and being passed from one to the other, should come first. They choose none of this.

There is nothing in this thread that says men are more important than children.

OP chose to get involved with someone with DC.

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Sure, for the parents. It’s no one else’s job to prioritise other people’s children.

RandomMess · 17/06/2022 08:24

I'm glad you are no longer overlooking his selfishness and CF behaviour.

I hope your Endo flare is coming to the end.

My young DD is desperate for a hysterectomy due to hers as she finds it so debilitating and the GP/consultant are so crap and unhelpful.

chchchchch · 17/06/2022 09:04

OP reading your posts, I feel like this incident has broken the camel's back in your relationship. From what I have inferred you are not getting a lot out of this relationship and he is (a place to live, parent to his kids etc). I guess it depends how much you love him to put up with his kids and financially subsidising him.

FloydPepper · 17/06/2022 11:35

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:57

It is your home, you lived there first, he doesn't pay equal share. Good on you for maintaining that boundary,

Again if a man said this he would be torn apart.

This. Jesus Christ there are many threads where a woman moves in with a man and is told it’s now all shared, she is equal, it’s her home now.

and yes, if she has kids part of the time it’s their home yoo

this place sometimes…

Gymnopedie · 17/06/2022 12:50

This. Jesus Christ there are many threads where a woman moves in with a man and is told it’s now all shared, she is equal, it’s her home now.

Because no woman is going to post on here and say she pays minimal towards living there, is only there because she can't afford to have her own place (and can't manage her kids on her own and always wants someone else to provide a roof over her and their heads even though she only sees them a few times a week) and makes snide comments about him in front of her children.
I mean there may be women who do that, but they're going to keep quiet about it.