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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP making me look bad infront of his kids

305 replies

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:39

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 16/06/2022 19:23

I think the only reason your DP is behaving himself at all is because he knows he is onto a good thing (financially). Basically you have the upper hand, and he knows it. But the snarky comment and trying to get you to make the picnic paints a picture of someone who is masking who they really are. There was no need for any of this, was completely reasonable for you ask them to go out, and kind and empathetic to change your mind when you saw how hot it was. His reaction however I am not so sure about. Only you can decide if its the tip of an iceberg, or a one off grumpiness due to the heat or whatever.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:23

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 16/06/2022 19:21

What exactly do you mean by this??

If you "want the place to yourself" now wonder you're partner said that how awful for the kids you sound like you resent them and if that's the case you need to think about being someone with children

Show quote history

The fuck?

OP posts:
Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 19:23

it was a one off fgs, my mum would have told my dad to take us out on the odd occasion she was busy or unwell. I don't get why people see that as a problem.

OP has been stuck in her room unwell for 2 days so it’s not like this was a new illness that happened today and they were only there for tea so as she had all day to be downstairs then it’s not much trouble to go upstairs for a couple hours if she’s so unwell.

I get the idea of taking the kids out when they live there full time to give one parent a break, as they aren’t likely to get a break else - but when they’re only there for a couple hours then there’s no need to take them out and it doesn’t make sense to do so as you can have a break before and after or go upstairs.

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 19:25

So before he went to pick up the kids he suggested he give me a call once he had them to tell me what sandwiches they wanted - so I could make them for them.

Do neither of you work?

kiki22 · 16/06/2022 19:27

OP ignore the ones harping on about kids not being allowed in your house. You were totally reasonable and I'd be willing to bet my house the vast majority of mothers saying YABU have at some point been ill and had someone take their kids out but your a step mother so you just have to sit and suffer.

He was being a twat hurting his kids and you because he had to take his kids on a picnic.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:28

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 19:17

@Alb0

I said she saw the kids as guests. Which she does. You’re just looking sillier and sillier by the minute.

I think it’s an overall issue of it not really being his/their home

No need to post on AIBU then, you’ve already decided. Personally I wouldn’t be happy to provide my kids (who I see for tea twice a week and sleepover once a week) a home that I’m a guest in

I think you see it as ‘your place’ and he and the kids are guests.

This is what I was talking about.

lunar1 · 16/06/2022 19:30

He shouldn't have said that in front of his children, if it was an issue he should have spoken to you alone.

He is a parent, he needs to make living arrangements where he is free to have his children whenever he needs/wants to.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 19:30

You should have said that then. That was me saying I think op sees it as her place and their just guests. She agreed that this is a fair point. Not sure what your problem is with that.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 19:30

The more I think about it the more I genuinely can't imagine a situation where my partner told me I wasn't allowed in the house with my own kids because he wasn't feeling well and I was okay with that.

@Resoluted I agree, it would be terrible.
I imagine OP agrees too, which is why she didn't tell her partner any such thing.
She asked if he could take the kids out for a couple of hours. Just like any bio parent might ask their partner, when they are feeling unwell. A perfectly normal request, & a fun thing for the kids. But her partner chose to make an issue of it, as a dominance display, because he is a selfish arsehole.

Her partner is so incapable of looking after his own DC, so entitled to constant support from friends, parents, & now OP, that he couldn't even manage to look after his own kids, solo, for a couple of hours.
So he chose to punish the OP - & far, far, worse, his innocent kids - with that crass & hateful remark. It's his way of training her to never have the temerity to put herself first. he even told her - knowing damn well she's been laid up in bed for 2 days - to make the picnic! What a fucking prince.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:31

Can I just clarify, I don't have an upstairs. I live in a ground floor flat. All one level. No garden. My bedroom is next to the living room.

It would be a different story if I had a family sized house with a garden. Or even a basic house.

There's not much peace to be had in the bedroom when there are three children in the next room being rambunctious, shouting over one another and getting excited on consoles.

OP posts:
PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 19:32

OP ignore the ones harping on about kids not being allowed in your house. You were totally reasonable and I'd be willing to bet my house the vast majority of mothers saying YABU have at some point been ill and had someone take their kids out but your a step mother so you just have to sit and suffer.

Yeah just ignore everyone that disagrees with you.

Bit different having DC around 24/7 and the odd couple of hours at most a couple of times a week for starters.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:32

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:11

Oh I'm glad you asked!

So before he went to pick up the kids he suggested he give me a call once he had them to tell me what sandwiches they wanted - so I could make them for them.

I immediately nipped that in the bud and asked whether he was having a laugh as I'm clearly not well nor up to making everybody's packed lunch. I made it clear he'd be making the sandwiches.

I asked him whether he realised he was being a CF and he said "Oh, OK sorry I'll make them"

Show quote history

OP (you are getting such a hard time for rude and thoughtless people CakeFlowers) I was not at all surprised to see he expected your to make their picnic.

He really does not get it, does he? He really does not get that you are in pain and very ill. He wants you to do all the parent work and he does none but just shows up. I bet he didn't offer to make you dinner either, or make you a cup of tea or coffee or bring takeaway back home.

Honestly, I think you would genuinely be better off without him. He has no concern or care for your feelings or your health whatsoever.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 19:32

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 19:25

So before he went to pick up the kids he suggested he give me a call once he had them to tell me what sandwiches they wanted - so I could make them for them.

Do neither of you work?

Did you not comprehend that OP has been ill in bed for 2 days, so hardly fit for work?

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:33

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 19:25

So before he went to pick up the kids he suggested he give me a call once he had them to tell me what sandwiches they wanted - so I could make them for them.

Do neither of you work?

Yes we do.

He works nights and I work days.

If I'm not up to crafting picnics and entertaining children due to severe flooding and serious pain I'm not likely to be at work either am I?

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 19:35

I don't get this attitude, that just because a bloke with kids moves in and pays you a pittance, he then gets free rein of the whole place and gets to call the shots 'because it's his home too'. It's mad - you could rapidly become his default childminder, provider and bang maid. He will expect you to give him sole priority, and you get back virtually zero priority with him.

He's probably giving OP less than the cost of renting a single room. The timing of him moving in is convenient for him and doesn't reflect where the relationship is, mutuality wise.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 19:35

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 19:32

OP ignore the ones harping on about kids not being allowed in your house. You were totally reasonable and I'd be willing to bet my house the vast majority of mothers saying YABU have at some point been ill and had someone take their kids out but your a step mother so you just have to sit and suffer.

Yeah just ignore everyone that disagrees with you.

Bit different having DC around 24/7 and the odd couple of hours at most a couple of times a week for starters.

Maybe their father could think about providing suitable housing for them himself then, instead of cocklodging off OP & randomly punishing her for normal requests when she is ill.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 19:35

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 19:32

OP ignore the ones harping on about kids not being allowed in your house. You were totally reasonable and I'd be willing to bet my house the vast majority of mothers saying YABU have at some point been ill and had someone take their kids out but your a step mother so you just have to sit and suffer.

Yeah just ignore everyone that disagrees with you.

Bit different having DC around 24/7 and the odd couple of hours at most a couple of times a week for starters.

This is what people don’t seem to be getting. He only gives his kids two meals a week and one sleepover. Vastly different to most of us mums and dads asking our partner to take the kids out for a couple of hours. That couple of hours is all his time with his kids.

Realistically it’s not working, is it? OP wants control over her own space, and he needs a space in which to parent his kids properly.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 19:38

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:32

OP (you are getting such a hard time for rude and thoughtless people CakeFlowers) I was not at all surprised to see he expected your to make their picnic.

He really does not get it, does he? He really does not get that you are in pain and very ill. He wants you to do all the parent work and he does none but just shows up. I bet he didn't offer to make you dinner either, or make you a cup of tea or coffee or bring takeaway back home.

Honestly, I think you would genuinely be better off without him. He has no concern or care for your feelings or your health whatsoever.

Show quote history

Nope no offer to sort any food for either of us.

I asked him what he was planning on doing about dinner and he said, with a sigh, he'll have to cook something when he gets back from taking the kids home.

To be honest I could happily go without as I feel wretched and nauseous.

You can bet he'll make a big song and dance about making dinner though because he's working tonight and he'll moan about having to rush etc.

Thank you for your kind message (and other PP's here, I'm reading everything)

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 19:38

He only gives his kids two meals a week and one sleepover.

Let me correct that for you. The OP is giving his kids two meals a week and one sleepover. Bet she washes their clothes and irons them for him too.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:39

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 19:32

OP ignore the ones harping on about kids not being allowed in your house. You were totally reasonable and I'd be willing to bet my house the vast majority of mothers saying YABU have at some point been ill and had someone take their kids out but your a step mother so you just have to sit and suffer.

Yeah just ignore everyone that disagrees with you.

Bit different having DC around 24/7 and the odd couple of hours at most a couple of times a week for starters.

Are you honestly saying someone can't ever make one simple request, not even ONCE?

It's his access time, regardless if he spends it with the kids at home or with the kids at McDonalds. He is still spending time for him. You are being beyond unreasonable if you think an ill woman can't make one basic, simple, reasonable request ONCE in their relationship.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:39

*He is still spending time [with] them

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 19:39

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 19:35

I don't get this attitude, that just because a bloke with kids moves in and pays you a pittance, he then gets free rein of the whole place and gets to call the shots 'because it's his home too'. It's mad - you could rapidly become his default childminder, provider and bang maid. He will expect you to give him sole priority, and you get back virtually zero priority with him.

He's probably giving OP less than the cost of renting a single room. The timing of him moving in is convenient for him and doesn't reflect where the relationship is, mutuality wise.

But OP has not achieved parturition @SpaceshiptoMars, so must be upbraided & scolded for her generosity in allowing her cocklodger partner to move in, pay a pittance, & be entitled to her compliance & picnic-making at all times.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 19:40

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 19:38

He only gives his kids two meals a week and one sleepover.

Let me correct that for you. The OP is giving his kids two meals a week and one sleepover. Bet she washes their clothes and irons them for him too.

Then she shouldn’t. I‘be been saying the whole thread that it’s not sustainable/feasible and he sounds rubbish. But that’s her choice.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 19:41

This is what people don’t seem to be getting. He only gives his kids two meals a week and one sleepover. Vastly different to most of us mums and dads asking our partner to take the kids out for a couple of hours. That couple of hours is all his time with his kids.

It's his access time, regardless if he spends it with the kids at home or with the kids at McDonalds. He is still spending time with them. Regardless of the venue.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask he take the kids out for 1 (one) evening.

Newmumatlast · 16/06/2022 19:44

You've received some really harsh comments OP that I'm not convinced you'd have received all of if the scenario were re your own children not your step children. It isn't unreasonable at all, when ill, to ask a partner to take the kids out be it your own kids or your step kids. And it is really inappropriate for an parenting figure to call out another parenting figure in front of one another. It undermines them.