DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

This.

If you'd birthed them and said to your partner, their bio dad, I feel crap, take the kids to the park so I can have some peace, no one would judge.

Because you're the STEP parent, you're apparently just being a bitch.

Its fine op. He was a dick.

I'd be asking him if he's trying to alienate you from them on purpose.

Tea Monday and Thursday, staying over on Saturday. There was no problem Monday. I simply asked he take them out today then promptly backtracked when I realised how hot it was.

When you get into a relationship with a man with children of course you have to consider them and their needs, but it doesn't mean you cease to exist as an individual who has their own needs too.

I don't think it was unreasonable of me to ask him to take them out today and I was happy to scrap the idea and suggest they stay here.

I have done nothing wrong.

If you have children, you can’t really choose not to be with them because you have your period.

Yes, they’re not your children, so it’s different, but you have chosen to get into a relationship with their Dad and have your home become his home.

So is the situation that they can’t go to their Dad’s home because you have your period?

You have my sympathy to some degree as I wouldn’t want somebody else’s children around all the time either, but for that reason I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had children who were not mine.

If that’s the situation then maybe this relationship is not for you?

I mean, what if they came to live with him? It’s not really a good situation, is it? she could quite reasonably ask him to take them out for a picnic to get them out the house on a day when she's feeling shit.

AMEN to this! Thank you for highlighting the huge double standard.

I fully intend to have that conversation with him later on.

As I stated in my OP, once I realised how hot it was outside I immediately said have tea here. There was no problem. He decided to make one.

Didn't he just!

It was so deliberately nasty - not just to you, by to his kids too, making them feel unwanted - that there's obviously more at play here. He is training you to defer to him, to put him & his contact arrangements above yourself at all times, even when you are under the weather.

When you think about that, how does it chime with his behaviour overall?
Is he usually considerate, or does he tend to expect to get his own way?

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.
He was perfectly capapble of taking them for tea somewhere else, like any parent wanting to give their partner a necessary break - whether resident parent or not.

What does he contribute to your housing & utility costs OP?

If you have children, you can’t really choose not to be with them because you have your period. given op hasn't said "I ask this every month for 4-5 days* it clearly isn't every period. And if she felt awful one evening, why couldn't she get DH to take the kids out for dinner after school to give her some space?

Fellow endo sufferer here…If you are having a flare up I totally get why you would want space and privacy from boisterous kids jumping around you. Flooding, vomiting, unable to walk, screaming and writhing in pain etc isn’t great in front of children (speaking from experience). Not sure if some posters fully comprehend how alarmingly horrific a bad flare up can be.
I hope it passes soon op 💐
Oh, and yes I think he was unreasonable for saying that in earshot of the kids. Both to you and them

Not just a period, think niagra falls on steroids. I'm flooding through a pad roughly every 45 minutes. I have quite significant endo. Those who have it or are close to somebody with it will know what I'm talking about.

I think if I'm not allowed to make a reasonable request like today, once in a blue moon, then it would be better for everybody, esp the kids, if he got his own place.

That is not remotely the same. I see my kids day in day out. Not twice a week for tea and overnight. If it was me I'd have just gone for a lie down and left them to it not kicked them out the house.

I think that’s the problem though. You feel you’re entitled to ‘agency over your space’ but that means your partner isn’t able to provide a space for his kids.

No it bloody doesn't @Kanaloa
She just wanted a break, for the time it takes to see the kids & give them their tea elsewhere, this once. She hasn't ordered them out of the door forever, to fend for themselves in a snowstorm ...

If OP were the kids' mother, you wouldn't be having a pop at her for wanting a couple of hours break when dealing with cramping & excessive flow FFS. But as a 'step', as ever on MN, of course she must be held to a higher standard than a bio mother.

I don't think it was unreasonable of me to ask him to take them out today and I was happy to scrap the idea and suggest they stay here.
I have done nothing wrong.

No need to post on AIBU then, you’ve already decided. Personally I wouldn’t be happy to provide my kids (who I see for tea twice a week and sleepover once a week) a home that I’m a guest in, and I’m just saying it sounds like it’s not really a comfortable situation, leading to some resentments etc.

Ermmm okay. I was simply giving my opinion, which is that a parent should be providing a space in which their kids are welcome and comfortable - especially if you only see them for a meal twice a week and a sleepover once a week. I wasn’t holding her to that standard. I specifically said it’s normal to want control over your own space, but in that case not advisable to invite a parent and their children to live with you.

I didn't ask if I was being unreasonable because I know I'm not, I asked whether people thought HE was being unreasonable saying that infront of the kids.

As usual on mumsnet people choose to miss the point and have a go at the woman shacked up with a NRP dad.

If you have children, you can’t really choose not to be with them because you have your period.

Come on now, stop implying that this is a monthly occurrence & not the one-off that it is @DoNotGetADog.

And - if you have a halfway decent partner - "having a shitter of a period" means of course you can CHOOSE not to be with your children for a couple of hours while dad takes them out to give you a break.

Good grief this thread is batshit

So is the situation that they can’t go to their Dad’s home because you have your period?

Clearly not, as 1) they popped back to get their sandwiches, & 2) OP immediately realised how hot they were, & invited them to stay in to cool down.
I call Goady Fucker on your ridiculous Straw Man argument.

As usual on mumsnet people choose to miss the point and have a go at the woman shacked up with a NRP dad

Don't bother responding to the hard of thinking, OP. It's clear what you meant and others have agreed that your partner was in the wrong for saying what he did.

Well, from the OP there was no way of telling how frequent an occurrence it is.

Yes, of course one could expect your children’s father to take them out for a couple of hours. The problem is they are only even there for a couple of hours - it does make a difference.

You were being perfectly reasonable. I'm laid up with terrible period and have asked my hubby to take the kids out! What's wrong with that?

He was totally thoughtless saying that in front of them. Probs nothing intetentional rho, just didn't think. Men are a bit literal sometimes.

Feel for you, all you want is to curl up and be on your own when you have awful periods.

You sound like a great step-mum

I agree there's some goady ones on this thread. Pretty sad really

I think if I'm not allowed to make a reasonable request like today, once in a blue moon, then it would be better for everybody, esp the kids, if he got his own place.

So glad to see you post this OP.
And still wondering how he contributes - financially, chore-wise, emotionally?

The fact that he can live with a woman managing endo & be so appallingly fucking uncaring, selfish & ignorant about it to punish her with that Unfortunate Remark, instead of asking her how she's feeling, speaks volumes about the emotional contribution ...

Thank you for the solidarity, I'm so sorry you can relate on a personal level ❤

You sound like a great step-mum

Why do people always say this? What about op screamed ‘great step-mum?’ She doesn’t sound awful, but all we know about her is she allows the kids to come to the house for tea sometimes and over night once a week. She also let them sit inside since it was very hot. Is that the bar for ‘great!’

That’s not me saying op isn’t a great stepmum by the way. She might be. But I think it’s such a random thing to put in when there’s literally nothing suggesting that.