Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP making me look bad infront of his kids

305 replies

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:39

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

OP posts:
GarrettAMorgan · 16/06/2022 20:18

OP, this man is a loser and a user and an ungrateful bastard. Of course you were not unreasonable to ask for some quiet in the home that you acquired and that you primarily pay for.

However, you are being very, very unreasonable in enabling him to continue to be a failed adult.

Please cut him loose. You deserve better.

StressedMumm1e · 16/06/2022 20:19

Yes, he is being very unreasonable for saying that in front of the children. You have a problem (I completely understand, the last 6 months have been horrendous for me, period wise. I have had to change my clothes on numerous occasions due to flooding, which I met did before. I’m 44 if that makes a difference. And it’s restricting by day to day life when on my period).
You explained what was happening and asked him for some space today. Then, when you saw how hot the weather was, you realised that they would all be better indoors and told him he could bring the children home.
I am a step mum and a mum. My step kids are now in their 30’s and I basically had to proxy parent them whenever they were at the home I shared with my stbxh. I took them to school because I could do flexi time and he couldn’t. I did homework with them, cooked their meals and did their washing. But, god forbid, I needed a few hours on my own, occasionally (we had them every weekend).
I did go on to have two children with him. The best thing I ever did was split from him. Now I get every weekend to myself.

well done you for having boundaries. No, you should not have to make picnics for him and his children. And he should be considerate of your needs and take his children out when you need some time alone, for whatever reason.

satisbleakhouse · 16/06/2022 20:19

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:02

I think that’s the problem though. You feel you’re entitled to ‘agency over your space’ but that means your partner isn’t able to provide a space for his kids. Nothing wrong with you wanting control over your own space, but in that case you can’t really cohabit with a parent of kids! I mean, what if they came to live with him? It’s not really a good situation, is it? That’s the issue I think. You see it as your space, and them as guests. I don’t think you can really think like that if you invite someone (and their kids) to live with you.

Suppose she had her own kids, felt rough (seeing a mum in pain with endo can be incredibly distressing for kids btw) and asked her DP to take them out to give her time to recover? Is she depriving her children?

Anonymouseposter · 16/06/2022 20:22

This thread shows that Mumsnet is inclined to prejudice and step mothers are one group of people who fall foul of it.
You were not unreasonable OP, he was unreasonable for making a comment like that in front of the children, upsetting you and making them feel unwelcome. He doesn't sound at all kind.
It wasn't unreasonable to ask them to go out on one occasion because you were ill and then change you mind when you realised the child was uncomfortable.
I wouldn't take much notice of the negative comments you are getting. This is often not a great place to ask for advice.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 20:23

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:12

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

Sorry OP I really can’t see you or your DP having the DCs there for 3 whole days every month because their mum is having bad period pains and having to change her san pro more regularly.

"Every month"? Where are you getting 'every month' from?!?

This is the first time OP ever asked!! The first and only time!

You are acting like she does this all the time.

You are completely reading things into this that are not even there.

Naunet · 16/06/2022 20:24

God, some people seem to think a woman should never, ever put herself first. Our role is one of servitude and sacrifice 🙄

Fuck that, you’re already subsidising his kids, you’ve opened your home to them, they aren’t yours, it’s not your job to make the sacrifices that parents should.

He was out of line making that comment, YANBU.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 20:24

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:12

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

Sorry OP I really can’t see you or your DP having the DCs there for 3 whole days every month because their mum is having bad period pains and having to change her san pro more regularly.

Wow, please accept your award for the most ignorant comment on the thread. Do you have any idea what endo actually entails? It's alot worse than period pains and needing to change your sanpro regularly. Well done.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 20:25

satisbleakhouse · 16/06/2022 20:19

Suppose she had her own kids, felt rough (seeing a mum in pain with endo can be incredibly distressing for kids btw) and asked her DP to take them out to give her time to recover? Is she depriving her children?

Show quote history

I didn’t say she was depriving her children. I said it isn’t a good situation if she feels like she has no agency over her space because her partner’s kids come for dinner twice a week and sleepover once, and it would be best for all involved for the father to live somewhere where he can parent his kids.

Although it is a false equivalence. If I ask my DH to take the kids out for a couple of hours I still see them every other day. He sees his kids twice a week for a meal and once for a sleepover. Tiny amount really. And he should be providing a space where he can see them comfortably, not thinking ‘hmm maybe I can just take them and sit at a McDonald’s.’

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 20:25

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:12

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

Sorry OP I really can’t see you or your DP having the DCs there for 3 whole days every month because their mum is having bad period pains and having to change her san pro more regularly.

Oh, and Endometriosis is NOT mere 'bad period pains', @Onwards22 . Your ignorance of and belittling a very severe and debilitating illness as mere 'bad period pains' really reflects badly on you. If you had to put up with these mere 'bad period pains' you wouldn't last a day!

girlmom21 · 16/06/2022 20:25

GarrettAMorgan · 16/06/2022 20:18

OP, this man is a loser and a user and an ungrateful bastard. Of course you were not unreasonable to ask for some quiet in the home that you acquired and that you primarily pay for.

However, you are being very, very unreasonable in enabling him to continue to be a failed adult.

Please cut him loose. You deserve better.

Does that mean SAHM's should take the kids out of the house whenever their husband requests it as the husband primarily pays for it?

They've chosen to live together as a couple. If he was paying more than her towards the bills because he could afford to that wouldn't make him dictator of the household.

If you live as a couple you share the home equally.
If one part of the couple has children they're part of the package.
Yes it's perfectly fine to request the children go elsewhere for tea but her DP clearly didn't feel like he had a choice.

girlmom21 · 16/06/2022 20:26

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:12

I would fully expect DP to do the same for his ex should the need arise, whether it's a scheduled contact day or not.

Sorry OP I really can’t see you or your DP having the DCs there for 3 whole days every month because their mum is having bad period pains and having to change her san pro more regularly.

The OP isn't just having bad period pains. Please don't try and minimise this for her. You don't have to agree but you don't have to mock something you don't know.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:26

you’ve opened your home to them,

It's their DF home too. If you don't want to 'open your home to them' then don't live with someone who already has DC.

Naunet · 16/06/2022 20:27

This thread is a demonstration of the idea that children are more important than women and men are more important than children.

Naunet · 16/06/2022 20:28

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:26

you’ve opened your home to them,

It's their DF home too. If you don't want to 'open your home to them' then don't live with someone who already has DC.

He should be paying half the bills then, rather letting OP subsidies his children.

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:29

"Every month"? Where are you getting 'every month' from?!?

RTFT
OP has said she has chronic gynae issues - that means this isn’t a one off.
She is likely to get them in the future and had them in the past.

I have the same condition as OP and fortunately like hers mine are not every month but I know women who do have severe pains every month and so it is not inconceivable that if the ex also suffered with our condition that she would have it every month.

Choppies · 16/06/2022 20:30

Can the ignorant people likening an endo flare up to period pain please piss off???

endo destroys careers, takes a huge toll, is bloody painful…. And it NOT ‘period pain!

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:30

Naunet · 16/06/2022 20:28

He should be paying half the bills then, rather letting OP subsidies his children.

Show quote history

If he doesn't earn the same amount then he can't.

Thread after thread on here saying 50/50 bills etc isn't fair when outgoings and earnings aren't the same.

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:32

The OP isn't just having bad period pains.

I have the same condition which is why I have commented.

They are period pains. I’m not sure what else I can call them.

I apologise if I have minimised it OP I know your pains down below are bad which is why I have commented several times.

badhappening · 16/06/2022 20:32

YADNBU
Please don't justify yourself to the ejits on here who have spectacularly missed the point.
Is your DP often insidious and nasty?
Hope you feel better soon 💐

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 20:32

If you live as a couple you share the home equally.
If one part of the couple has children they're part of the package.

No, it doesn't work like that with a man with kids. You make the transition slowwwwwlllly. Instafamilies don't work and all they do is turn a childless woman into a handmaid. All too often these are rush jobs based on the man's need to get a roof over his children's head. Oh, and a woman to run around after them all day and pay his bills for him as well.....

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Deleted by MNHQ

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:33

Naunet · 16/06/2022 20:27

This thread is a demonstration of the idea that children are more important than women and men are more important than children.

Children who have no control over their parents splitting and being passed from one to the other, should come first. They choose none of this.

There is nothing in this thread that says men are more important than children.

OP chose to get involved with someone with DC.

Alb0 · 16/06/2022 20:34

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:32

The OP isn't just having bad period pains.

I have the same condition which is why I have commented.

They are period pains. I’m not sure what else I can call them.

I apologise if I have minimised it OP I know your pains down below are bad which is why I have commented several times.

No you don't. Because Endometriosis is nothing remotely like period pains or bad period pains.

It actually involves adhesions and lesions and damage to internal organs. It is nothing even remotely like 'bad period pains'. Not even in the same stratosphere!!

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 20:34

Onwards22 · 16/06/2022 20:29

"Every month"? Where are you getting 'every month' from?!?

RTFT
OP has said she has chronic gynae issues - that means this isn’t a one off.
She is likely to get them in the future and had them in the past.

I have the same condition as OP and fortunately like hers mine are not every month but I know women who do have severe pains every month and so it is not inconceivable that if the ex also suffered with our condition that she would have it every month.

You have endo yet you equate it to being nothing more than period pains and having to change your sanpro regularly? Are you sure?

OP posts:
Alb0 · 16/06/2022 20:36

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 20:33

Children who have no control over their parents splitting and being passed from one to the other, should come first. They choose none of this.

There is nothing in this thread that says men are more important than children.

OP chose to get involved with someone with DC.

Show quote history

Taking your child out for a movie or to Maccas for a couple of hours isn't putting the children last. It's a win-win for both children and partner and step-parent.

Swipe left for the next trending thread