DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

Perfectly reasonable to suggest a picnic. You were kind to say they didn’t need to.
he was a dick for saying that in front of them!

As I said in a PP I've been in the bedroom for the majority of the past two days laid up. It's cool in there. I haven't left the flat.

I think he was unreasonable to say it in front of them but you were unreasonable to ask him not to bring his children to your house. It should be their home too.

I agree.

He was completely in the wrong for saying it in front of them but I get why he was pissed off.

When you live with someone who has DCs you have to put up with them being there.
If you’re feeling unwell then you can choose to go in your room, for a walk etc but it’s their home too now.

Maybe you should think about if this relationship is really for you.
I personally would struggle being in a relationship with someone who had kids if I didn’t have any, so no one would blame you if you decided that you don’t want to be a step parent.

Could you not have adjourned to your bedroom, and left him to do the tea and entertain his kids?

This is exactly what I would have done and planned from the off

As I said in a PP I've been in the bedroom for the majority of the past two days laid up. It's cool in there. I haven't left the flat

in a flat with the blinds down it can be very hard to tell the weather especially when shaded by trees

If you have children, you can’t really choose not to be with them because you have your period.
Eh? Of course you can if you have a partner. DP takes the DC every month to give me a chance to sleep off the worst part of the menstrual migraine. Perfectly normal. It’s only being seen as an issue here because OP is an evil stepmother.

Your DP is an immature dick, OP. Not only does it paint you as a mean, unwelcoming stepparent in front of the kids, which is unfair to you, it’s also cruel to the kids. He shouldn’t be weaponising them like that. Is he often like this or was it a hot-and-bothered one-off? At Casa Bubbles we’ve been ratbags all week due to the heat.

He shouldn't have said what he did in front of the DCs. Way to make them feel pushed out when that wasn't your intention.

But I've been thinking as I've read the thread, and even more so with your last post, it feels like you just drifted into him living at yours. So there have been no agreements about how it's going to work, who does what, how he interacts with his children and you, rather that it's something that's just 'happened'. If you want to maintain the relationship maybe this is the springboard you need to actually have that conversation so that everyone knows where they stand. And if the ultimate conclusion is that he gets his own place, so be it.

When you live with someone who has DCs you have to put up with them being there.
If you’re feeling unwell then you can choose to go in your room, for a walk etc but it’s their home too now

it was a one off fgs, my mum would have told my dad to take us out on the odd occasion she was busy or unwell. I don't get why people see that as a problem.

He was being unreasonble. And if it were that hot out, why couldn't he have taken them swimming? Taken them to the cinema? He didn't have to choose either home or stay out in the heat. There were other options other than those extremes. He's being selfish and manipulative by making you out to be the bad guy, and I'd straighten him up quick smart on this OP, as someone who is having severe pain before periods at the moment, I would be fucking furious with his game-playing and manipulating you. Sometimes I so wish these 'men' could experience endo, period pain and flooding. They really don't get it, do they?

You're right, OP, he should have said 'oh cool, kids, too hot for the park, let's stay here'.

No need at all to make the kids feel unwelcome. You'd clearly asked him to keep them out because you're unwell, not because you generally can't stand them around.

Yes he doesn't have alot of disposable income. His ex remains in the house they shared. He pays a good amount of maintenance, then the contributions to living here (which I somewhat subsidise actually because I know he has financial commitments to his kids)

The reason he had a house share with a friend before he met me is because after his divorce he simply couldn't afford the two/three bedroomed house he needed for him and his kids, on his wage alone. We are in London so v expensive even if you're in a crap part.

In order to be able to afford the size he'd need to comfortably house the kids he would need to move further away, which means seeing the kids less, and that wasn't what he wanted to do, which I respect.

It's not an ideal situation by a long shot but the answer isn't an easy one and there's no quick fix.

I'm assuming that when he chose to have children with his ex neither of them saw the split coming and the issues that would bring but here we are. I've always been super welcoming to the kids and never take issue with them being here. It was just one day.

This one day though, and his reaction to it, gives me concerns for the future. If I'm being made to feel so bad for what I believe is a reasonable request with my health in mind then I'm essentially being 'programmed' to never want to consider my own needs.

Well I think you were unreasonable asking him to go out in this heat & you have made it very clear it's your space & you get to decide what happens. I think you could have just gone for a chill in the bedroom.

I imagine he was annoyed & said it for that reason.

You presumably knew about his children when you met?

Sounds find to me Op, I thought it was a good suggestion from you . Your not being unreasonable at all. And no he shouldn’t have said that especially in front of kids. That was well out of order.

Sounds like he is a cocklodger (albeit one who pays) and has had no steady permanent accommodation so swung from his parents to his mates to you. And then has the hide to make you feel bad on the ONE TIME you were ill and needed your own house to yourself. So he deliberately brings his DC around red in the face, knowingly, knowing you would see them, to manipulate you, then makes you out to be the bad guy in front of the kids. Because he couldn't have used his own initiative and taken them to the pool (if no beach near you), the cinema where there'd be airconditioning, take them to McDonalds for tea in an airconditioned supermarket, etc etc.

I feel furious on your behalf, and if I were you I'd be re-thinking the whole relationship if he isn't suitably profusely apologetic for that 'stunt' he pulled today. I really would.

That's what I did when it became apparent that it was roasting hot outside and they were already suffering from the heat.

There was no issue.

They came, sweating cobs, I remarked that it was clearly very hot outside and they should have tea here instead. Get a drink from the fridge, cool down, chill out.

He then chose to make everybody feel uncomfortable by saying I had made it clear they couldn't stay indoors today.

It was totally unnecessary because at that point I had just made it clear i was happy for them all to stay in.

I think the not wanting to be in your bedroom is a bit of a cop out, you can easily watch things on your phone and they were only coming for dinner, not an overnight or the entire day.

I also don’t see why children can’t be told you’ve got a very painful period - it’s a normal part of life to have a period and many women suffer with issues. It’s not the 1900s anymore, it doesn’t need to be hidden away.

However, you have identified that you need to be able to have your own space when you need it and this does not include regular slots of a partner’s children coming around. So yes it is better if he lives elsewhere.

I think it was mean of you to ask them to be out, it is roasting out today.

If I had pain and uncontrolable bleeding that risked coming through my clothes, I wouldn'tve wanted step kids there either. Pain makes you not feel able to do much and bleeding is private.

@Louisana6 You said they could come in anyway when the child seemed to be suffering, so he was just being arsey.

@converseandjeans He could have taken them swimming, taken them to the cinema, to McDonalds, anything, he didn't HAVE to be in the heat. It wasn't in the heat or at home. He had choices. He chose to manipulate the OP. She made a request ONE....TIME. She is not the unreasonable one here.

He too, knew he had no home when he met the OP, so why is it all on the OP to make the sacrifices when they met, when it is OP's own home, not his?

So he's lived with his parents, then his friend and now you. And he only pays towards the rent, and even then you are subsidising him sometimes? Look I get divorce is hard, but it's not everyone else's job to support and pay for him and his children. And by the sound of it, he's not even grateful, making you feel uncomfortable and the villain for wanting your own space in your own place that you mostly fund. He sounds like a nasty sponging cocklodger. And if I was you Id honestly be wondering if I'd been chosen for a relationship on the basis of having my own home and being nice enough to pay for almost everything.

Perhaps you need to rethink this situation, because only one person is benefitting from it.

No she didn't, as soon as the kids came round and she realised she told them to stay in as it was obviously too hot out there

He was very unreasonable saying it within earshot of the kids yes

Sounds like he is a cocklodger (albeit one who pays

that's a juxtaposition, if he is paying his share fairly he's not cocklodging; not that what he said wasn't being a total dick.

👏👏👏@Kanaloa

You’re not wrong on anything you’ve said OP.
He was being a dick and was unfair on the kids.