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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP making me look bad infront of his kids

305 replies

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:39

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

OP posts:
FilterWash · 16/06/2022 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Whatthefuckdoesthathavetodowithanything?

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:31

Although I do agree that I would think it’s sensible for him to look at getting his own place, so he can provide contact with his kids in his own space and give them their own space - putting his kids first. It would also allow you that agency back over your own space.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 17:31

DoNotGetADog · 16/06/2022 17:24

Well, from the OP there was no way of telling how frequent an occurrence it is.

Yes, of course one could expect your children’s father to take them out for a couple of hours. The problem is they are only even there for a couple of hours - it does make a difference.

Show quote history

@DoNotGetADog you are SO invested in policing OP's behaviour, but haven't opined yet on her partner's cruel & unnecessary remark.
Let alone how much it has hurt OP, AND the children themselves, who certainly didn't need to hear it.

How strange of you.
Almost as if you hold women to different standards than men.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:32

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:30

That’s not me saying op isn’t a great stepmum by the way. She might be. But I think it’s such a random thing to put in when there’s literally nothing suggesting that.

Perhaps the fact I mentioned always wanting to make them feel welcome, and the fact I was upset with DP for putting them in a position where their feelings may be hurt.

To the PP that asked, he does contribute financially to the rent. I pay the CT, bills etc.

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 17:33

I don’t think you were unreasonable, but your choice of words is interesting. “Dp lives with me”

does that mean he might feel it’s your house m, your space, he’s not fully welcome in it? It more usual to say you live together, not that he lives with you.

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:34

I think he was unreasonable to say it in front of them but you were unreasonable to ask him not to bring his children to your house. It should be their home too

I don't agree with this at all;she said she's not well. If I was sick the last thing I'd want is people around.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 17:34

To the PP that asked, he does contribute financially to the rent. I pay the CT, bills etc.

Why doesn't he pay half the CT & bills?
Who buys the food?
Who does the housework?

Fullsomefrenchie · 16/06/2022 17:34

I note you comment he lives with you as opposed to you live together, making it clear it’s your house. You also immediately jump to he can leave and get his own place, as way of threat if he doesn’t do as you want. His words also show that the message he received was his children were not welcome in your home, you decide. You don’t seem to acknowledge it’s his home with equal rights. I suspect as you don’t see it that way.

and that’s the thing op. It’s his home now, you could easily have went to bed and chilled out the way. It was just tea. You told the poor bastard he had to go elsewhere.

i think you’re right. It is better he gets his own place and I suspect it won’t be long before that happens

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:34

I guess wanting them to be welcome in their father’s space doesn’t really scream ‘great’ to me. Their father should be providing them a space as the absolute bare minimum. I provide my kids a space 24/7 and feed them tea every night but that’s not great. It’s just basic parenting. I wouldn’t have expected him to say it out loud but it was true, and the fact that he said it as he did implies to me that he did feel resentful in some way.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/06/2022 17:35

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:47

Even bio parents want their own children out of the house sometimes 😂

Show quote history

Maybe. That doesn’t mean they don’t let them in the house.

You could have stayed in bedroom chilling and DP could have told them the truth that you weren’t feeling well.

Fullsomefrenchie · 16/06/2022 17:35

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:34

I think he was unreasonable to say it in front of them but you were unreasonable to ask him not to bring his children to your house. It should be their home too

I don't agree with this at all;she said she's not well. If I was sick the last thing I'd want is people around.

So what, you Chuck your whole family out? Kids and all?

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 17:35

You don’t seem to acknowledge it’s his home with equal rights.

To be fair, neither does he, or he'd be paying his share of the council tax & bills.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:36

FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 17:33

I don’t think you were unreasonable, but your choice of words is interesting. “Dp lives with me”

does that mean he might feel it’s your house m, your space, he’s not fully welcome in it? It more usual to say you live together, not that he lives with you.

Honestly, I wanted to highlight the fact that this was my home long before it became his and as such I felt it was perfectly OK to ask to have the place to myself for a few hours.

It feels a bit different to, say, if we got a place together.

OP posts:
DoNotGetADog · 16/06/2022 17:36

KettrickenSmiled · 16/06/2022 17:31

@DoNotGetADog you are SO invested in policing OP's behaviour, but haven't opined yet on her partner's cruel & unnecessary remark.
Let alone how much it has hurt OP, AND the children themselves, who certainly didn't need to hear it.

How strange of you.
Almost as if you hold women to different standards than men.

Show quote history

Ok, sorry - yes, that is an omission, you’re right.

OP, your partner was being an arsehole. It was very unhelpful to say that in front of the children, or to say it at all in fact.

I would think about whether this is the right partner for you for a number of reasons.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:39

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/06/2022 17:35

Maybe. That doesn’t mean they don’t let them in the house.

You could have stayed in bedroom chilling and DP could have told them the truth that you weren’t feeling well.

Show quote history

Who said they wouldn't be let in? They came here, indoors, after school, so he could get a picnic together.

At which point I suggested they stay in as it was clearly too hot outside.

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:39

Honestly, I wanted to highlight the fact that this was my home long before it became his and as such I felt it was perfectly OK to ask to have the place to myself for a few hours.
It feels a bit different to, say, if we got a place together.

This is the vibe I got from the first post. I think you see it as ‘your place’ and he and the kids are guests. But that’s not really ideal. It doesn’t sound great for either of you really.

Fullsomefrenchie · 16/06/2022 17:39

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:36

Honestly, I wanted to highlight the fact that this was my home long before it became his and as such I felt it was perfectly OK to ask to have the place to myself for a few hours.

It feels a bit different to, say, if we got a place together.

Show quote history

Yes that’s very clear. And that’s the issue. Right there. You see it as your place and he lives with you. You do not see it as your joint home. You see it as yours and you call the shots.

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:40

So what, you Chuck your whole family out? Kids and all

no but if kids were there and my dh was there I'd see nothing wrong in asking him to take them out for an hour;also it's different here when it's not the ops kids. It makes it not her family, it makes them visitors.

OP yanbu.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:42

also it's different here when it's not the ops kids. It makes it not her family, it makes them visitors

This is the crux of the whole issue. OP sees it as her place and the kids are visitors, but their father should be providing a space where they are not visitors at the convenience of the OP, but welcome as if it’s their own home.

Original poster
Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:42

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:39

Honestly, I wanted to highlight the fact that this was my home long before it became his and as such I felt it was perfectly OK to ask to have the place to myself for a few hours.
It feels a bit different to, say, if we got a place together.

This is the vibe I got from the first post. I think you see it as ‘your place’ and he and the kids are guests. But that’s not really ideal. It doesn’t sound great for either of you really.

That's a fair point.

I was living alone for a long time and it has been quite the adjustment moving from that to having to consider four other people and put their wants/needs above my own at all relevant times.

I wanted to put myself first today.

OP posts:
SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:43

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here

what particularly would annoy me over it is that if he'd a problem with the request, which he seemingly did, then say it at the time. I despise people deliberately throwing something in your face after the time passed when they could have said it there and then.

FilterWash · 16/06/2022 17:43

Does he still have his own separate place to live? It sounds like that would be a better set up for all concerned.

Soubriquet · 16/06/2022 17:43

Can’t you explain to the sc about your period problems in a kid friendly way?

My 7 year old ds and 9 year old dd are fully aware I get my period every month and it causes issues such as back pain, stomach pain and dizziness

FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 17:43

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:36

Honestly, I wanted to highlight the fact that this was my home long before it became his and as such I felt it was perfectly OK to ask to have the place to myself for a few hours.

It feels a bit different to, say, if we got a place together.

Show quote history

Yes but that might make him feel like it’s not his home. Do you see that?

if it’s not his home as much as yours, he’s not welcome, his kids are not welcome, I can see he might feel a bit unwanted

do you feel it’s your home? Or shared?

MintJulia · 16/06/2022 17:44

I think the issue here is that you don't regard them as family, and therefore think there are things you cannot say in front of them, while he does regard them as family and so doesn't try to hide things from them. Just a difference of perception.

If he had any sense he would take them for an air conditioned Maccy D's and McFlurry as a treat and leave you with a calm sitting room.

But not really something to get upset about.