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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP making me look bad infront of his kids

305 replies

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:39

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

OP posts:

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:45

This is the crux of the whole issue. OP sees it as her place and the kids are visitors, but their father should be providing a space where they are not visitors at the convenience of the OP, but welcome as if it’s their own home

but the home is a space-it's a 1 off. I really don't see what's wrong with taking them bowling/to the park for an evening.

FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 17:46

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:42

That's a fair point.

I was living alone for a long time and it has been quite the adjustment moving from that to having to consider four other people and put their wants/needs above my own at all relevant times.

I wanted to put myself first today.

Show quote history

I get it. I’ve been in your shoes and honestly, I probably didn’t do enough to make my home feel like our home. That probably contributed to the fact we’re not together any more

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 17:47

does that mean he might feel it’s your house m, your space, he’s not fully welcome in it? It more usual to say you live together, not that he lives with you.

It means that he has no assets and very little disposable income, because that all went to his ex in the divorce settlement. (Educated guess).

Just10moreminutesplease · 16/06/2022 17:47

My DH took our shared toddler out the other day because I was feeling under the weather. As long as you’re not reducing the time they spend with their dad (e.g. saying they can’t stay over), or regularly not wanting them in the house, you’re not doing anything wrong.

And even if you were being unfair, it would still be inappropriate of him to raise it in front of his children. He’s made them feel unwelcome, not you.

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:48

I think the issue here is that you don't regard them as family, and therefore think there are things you cannot say in front of them, while he does regard them as family and so doesn't try to hide things from them. Just a difference of perception

That's fair enough but you missed the point because the issue is how he delivered the message to the kids, it was very toxic and shit stirry. If he'd said step mum is not well today and in bed so we are going to stay out of flat then fine but he delivered it in a way which made her look like she doesn't like them or want them there.

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:49

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:42

also it's different here when it's not the ops kids. It makes it not her family, it makes them visitors

But they are visitors/guests aren't they? I don't say that with any malice. If he had them 50:50 that would be a different story.

Today has sparked some introspection and I do think it would be better for them all if he got a place of his own. I have a long-term medical condition that means sometimes I need a bit of consideration / some space. If asking for that (again, once in a blue moon) makes me unreasonable then I just don't see any other way forward.

To the PP who said I could have gone to my bedroom, I've been staring at those four walls for the past two days. I don't have a TV in there. I just wanted to be comfortable in the living room.

FWIW if his kids were unwell when staying over and they needed a bit of space from me I would absolutely, un-begrudingly give it to them without issue.

My issue here is with DP, if my OP didn't make that clear.

OP posts:

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:51

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:45

but the home is a space-it's a 1 off. I really don't see what's wrong with taking them bowling/to the park for an evening.

A space that’s their home, not just any physical space they can sometimes eat tea in. Not one where they are visitors/guests etc. He should be providing a space they can come to whenever they want, stay for as long as they want. OP wants her space to herself, and doesn’t really see it as their space at all. Which is fine. Personally I think it’s a minefield moving in with somebody who has kids, and the father should be putting his kids first and providing them that place.

PaddingtonBearStareAgain · 16/06/2022 17:52

But they are visitors/guests aren't they?

They are his DC and it is his home.

I think you really need to have a think if being in a relwith someone with DC is for you.

ImpartialMongoose · 16/06/2022 17:52

It was disloyal to you and I bet it made his kids feel very unwanted. So he doesn't seem to care how he makes them (or you) feel as long as there is a point to be scored. I would explain to them why- that you felt awful and needed some time alone, but it was in no way personal.

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 17:52

But they are visitors/guests aren't they? I don't say that with any malice. If he had them 50:50 that would be a different story.

Well, no, not really. To me a visitor/guest is my niece who sometimes stays over. Or an auntie coming for the weekend. These are his children. They shouldn’t be considered guests in their father’s home.

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:53

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:43

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here

what particularly would annoy me over it is that if he'd a problem with the request, which he seemingly did, then say it at the time. I despise people deliberately throwing something in your face after the time passed when they could have said it there and then.

This! Yes I was just thinking the same.

If he had a problem with my request he could've said so at the time before he picked them up.

If he would have said he didn't want to take them out because its far too hot (etc) I would have said OK thats fine.

I've been in bed for the majority of the past two days so I wasn't to know how hot it was out there. As soon as it was apparent I said stay indoors.

He agreed to my earlier request without any sort of argument and only chose to vent his annoyance later on once the kids were here, and did it infront of them.

OP posts:

Shedcity · 16/06/2022 17:53

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 16:58

They routinely stay over here.

Am I not entitled to have some agency over my space for one afternoon?

My point was quite simply he should not have said that infront of them. I've made a real effort to always make them feel welcome and they didn't need to know that I wanted some time to myself today.

Surely parents should prioritise sparing their children's feelings over making a dig toward a partner within earshot..

As I stated in my OP, once I realised how hot it was outside I immediately said have tea here. There was no problem. He decided to make one.

Dp is a dick
if you have kids with them he will prioritise having digs at you over their feelings too
i would find a man willing to hurt his children very unattractive even if they weren’t my kids.

but also why is he only seeing his kids twice a week and one of those times is only for dinner - at someone else’s house
where’s his house? Why isn’t he trying to see his kids more

this would all give me the ick

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 17:53

In AIBU you could be the most reasonable person in the world and posters would find a reason to have a go at you

This. They will then go on another thread saying it's sexist why women are called bitches.

Idroppedthescrewinthetuna · 16/06/2022 17:55

I was going to agree with you. I have the sister of endo, I have adeno. On my worst days when I was bed bound I would ask DP to take kids out (ours)

However when you say 'agency over your own place'I feel that attitude seems that you are not equal with your DP. So therefore I think My DP would have said the same in those circumstances.

You may have made him feel like he doesn't have equal right in your home.

I totally get needing the kids out of the house. Suffering with what we go through is just not easy, especially with kids around, when they aren't your own kids I can imagine that it is even harder.

However I would have a think of where you believe your partner stands in your home. Are you equal? If not then that may need to be addressed

Original poster

Louisana6 · 16/06/2022 17:58

FilterWash · 16/06/2022 17:43

Does he still have his own separate place to live? It sounds like that would be a better set up for all concerned.

No, not anymore.

He shared a place with his friend before he moved in with me, he lived there for 3 years. During that time he'd often have his kids at his parents place on weekends.

That friend is now married and lives with his wife. DP's parents health has declined in recent years and they can no longer host him and the kids on weekends.

I've never had any problem with them staying over here and welcome them with open arms. I just needed a bit of space today.

OP posts:

FloydPepper · 16/06/2022 17:59

But they’re not guests

your dp lives there, it’s his home and having his kids in his home is just what happens. I’d go as far as to say it’s their home too.

I know it’s a big adjustment, but if you’re not able to share your space and see you dp as living there, not some visitor himself, then maybe you’re right he should move out

like I say, I’ve been in your shoes and didn’t do enough…

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 18:00

Gosh he sounds a bit rubbish. Is money very tight? It sounds like he’s simply never prioritised a space where he can care for his kids appropriately. Having said that, I know lots of weekend daddies who only want the kids when granny/new girlfriend can be there to do all the work.

ManateeFair · 16/06/2022 18:00

Perfectly reasonable to suggest taking his kids out for tea. Pretty sure most kids would see that as a treat. Yes, your DP was a twat.

SurfBox · 16/06/2022 18:02

He agreed to my earlier request without any sort of argument and only chose to vent his annoyance later on once the kids were here, and did it infront of them

yep grade a asshole behaviour and I know wxactly why it would piss you off. Please call him out on that aspect of it- that he didn't flag the problem initially.

Reminds me of a housemate I had, complete c*. I was off work for a week and it was just me and him in house. A week later he puts on house whatsapp group about me putting on heat on my week off, I had it on an hour a day. He lied and said 5 hours a day.

If he had problem and was in house-why not fucking say it then? I moved soon after but I totally get your anger cos he did it in front of others too. Nah op, I'd have serious words with him over that, it's a dirty trick because them kids will go back and tell the family that too leaving it embarrassing for you at family events etc.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/06/2022 18:05

Kanaloa · 16/06/2022 18:00

It's astonishing the number of people who expect a man to more than double his salary once he gets a divorce.... Newsflash. He was probably stretched to the hilt doing overtime with young kids back then. Why would he suddenly acquire vastly improved earning powers?

girlmom21 · 16/06/2022 18:06

To be fair to you, there's 100 indoor places with air con he could've taken them rather than bringing them back when he'd agreed not to

YRGAM · 16/06/2022 18:06

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 16/06/2022 16:46

Op didn't realise it was so hot though did she!

Yeah he was being unreasonable

What 😂of course she did, does she live in a dungeon?

Fullsomefrenchie · 16/06/2022 18:07

They aren’t really visitors or guests op. They are effectively your step children and for him they are his children who should be welcome in his own home

i think that’s the fundamental disconnect. You see this as yours. Not his. And you feel that gives you rights he doesn’t have. You get to say what is and isn’t permitted, who is allowed to visit and when. Even his own children.

It is better he gets his own place, he shouldn’t have to ask permission to have his kids visit him in his own home. Right now he is no more than a lodger. Not even as much as that, he has less rights, he’s being treated more like a teenager asking mummy if he can have guests.

RedWingBoots · 16/06/2022 18:08

Clymene · 16/06/2022 17:19

Good grief this thread is batshit

It's a thread about step-mothers so it will be batshit.

These threads always go the same either the OP clearly doesn't like them or is overstepping. 🙄

Anyway OP if he does that again have a word with him and make it graphic.

It appears like he, like some posters, on here don't realise what having a heavy period is like let alone having endo.

RedWingBoots · 16/06/2022 18:10

YRGAM · 16/06/2022 18:06

What 😂of course she did, does she live in a dungeon?

Show quote history

If I sat in the front part of my home I wouldn't realise it was very hot until I went to the bathroom which is at the back half due to when they get the sun.

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