DP making me look bad infront of his kids

[Louisana6]

DP lives with me. He has his children for tea today. Not an overnight contact just tea.

I asked him to consider taking them out for their tea today as opposed to coming here. I'm on my period and having an endo flare up so I'm feeling very rough. Changing pads every 45 minutes due to flooding and very conscious of it.

It's a small living room and everybody piles on top of each other as there isn't a garden. I'm just not up to entertaining boisterous kids today.

He agreed. I suggested a picnic and kick about in the park if they fancied that. He collects them from school and returns here to get the sandwiches etc.

They arrive and eldest is as red as a beetroot so clearly suffering in the hot weather. I haven't been outside so didn't realise how hot it was. I say to DP "don't worry about taking them out, it's obviously alot hotter than I thought and he's suffering. Have tea here"

He replies within earshot of them "well you made it clear we couldn't sit in here"

What a way to alienate me and make me look like the stereotypical wicked step mother.

He was being unreasonable saying that infront of them wasn't he?

Don't be a dick. Are you being paid to proofread? No? Then don't.

I agree with this 100%!

He obviously saw you coming @Louisana6. When he was living with his friend, he’d take his DC to his parents so they could help. Now he has moved into your place and l bet you also help him and you are also expecting a reduced contribution for household expenses!

I am sorry but he does not sound good at all.

that's a juxtaposition, if he is paying his share fairly he's not cocklodging

@SurfBox He's not, though. By the way you mean an oxymoron or something.🙂

@Kanaloa I think op is wrong in this situation

How is OP wrong in this situation? She wasn't asking if she was right or wrong to not have the kids over (in her own home, that she alone owns, when she is ill). She was asking if her DP was wrong for making her out to be the bad guy, when she was so good as to immediately relent (many other women like myself would not relent).

The question is, was OP's DP wrong to put her down in front of his children? Yes, he was wrong. The OP, has done nothing at all wrong.

Op, I totally agree with all your points. He was being a dick.

Does he feel less of a man for not being able to afford his own place? Does he have form for making comments like this??

He could have dealt with this 1000x better. You did nothing wrong.

I'm sorry you're suffering, btw. Sounds miserable.

And all those PP who say you should have gone to your bedroom, why the hell should she!

He could of taken them to a variety of places. He chose not to. He does not have the capacity to parent his own DC, without help.

@Louisana6 I have endo and it is awful.

It is better he gets his own place, he shouldn’t have to ask permission to have his kids visit him in his own home. Right now he is no more than a lodger. Not even as much as that, he has less rights, he’s being treated more like a teenager asking mummy if he can have guests.

It's less about him being treated as a teenager & more about him behaving like a cocklodger.

He doesn't pay his way, & deliberately made a hurtful & alienating statement.
It's about dominance - he wanted OP to feel bad, possibly because he knows he's cocklodging, & wants the balance of power to swing more his way.

I think the situation overall is wrong. Living together with someone but seeing the space as ‘your space’ and that person’s children as visitors to the home is simply never going to work and it’s not a good situation. So that’s how I think she is wrong in a sense.

He had no reason to say it at all, in front of them or not, as you had just said don’t worry about it as you hadn’t realised how hot it was. That didn’t need a reply at all as making it clear they couldn’t sit in there didn’t apply any more.

She asked him to do one thing for her. One thing. Only once. Take the kids out for the evening.

That's all.

Any half-decent partner would put their partner's more than reasonable request first and not manipulate or demean their partner in front of the children.

By asking for him to take the kids out, one time, she is not in any way wrong, not even remotely. All us mothers have asked the same of our partners/spouse at least once in our lives.

Agree. Especially as OP has said she sees it as her place.

Yup thats exactly the point I was making in my OP.

If I weren't in so much pain and royally pissed off I would've probably found it amusing how far off the mark so many posters have been and how they've completely rewritten my OP to justify their response to it.

Me: Was my DP being unreasonable making this alienating comment infront of his kids?

MN posters: You were being unreasonable asking him to take them out today even though you then suggested they stay indoors and eliminated any issue

Yup.

Uncomfortable for you to have to consider the above OP - but consider it you must.

I'd find it very hard to get past the fact that he CHOSE to hurt the kids in order to triangulate you as a villain. Totally unnecessary. What a selfish, immature bastard.

But when a PP suggested you could have gone to your bedroom for some peace and quiet you got very defensive and said that was unreasonable because you didn’t want to stay in there looking at the 4 walls….but it’s fine to be in there when it suits you…. 🤷‍♀️

Your DP should t have said anything in front of the kids - but not because of your feelings. It’s not fair to them to hear that and potentially feel unwanted.

You summed the problem up in another post - you still see the house as “yours”. If you had bio DC and needed quiet, going to your bedroom would be the obvious solution but you’re being very dramatic here and claiming you need “agency over your own space”. As you feel that way I agree that the only solution is for DP to move out so you can have your own space. In all honesty I don’t think you’re well suited to a partner with children but maybe separate places will work?

I don't project the "it's my place" IRL. I'm pissed off today with a bee in my bonnet so I'm venting anonymously here. He has always been made to feel at home here, as have his kids.

I don't think how I feel really matters on that front as they wouldn't be aware of it.

They've never been made to feel anything less than at home.

I think this is the very crux of the issue. DP clearly is being treated like a visitor in his own home as OP still considers it to be hers alone. It would be far better for DP to find his own place so restrictions are t being put on his limited time with his kids. Probably would make OP happier too?

She asked him to do one thing for her. One thing. Only once. Take the kids out for the evening.

But the kids are hardly there as it is. After a long day at school maybe they didn't want to go out again?

I didn't want to spend another afternoon holed up in the bedroom no, I would have preferred the place to myself for a few hours so I could relax in the living room alone.

However, this is the pertinent point..

I suggested they stay indoors when it was clear they were too hot outside, and I then went and laid down in the bedroom

What I wanted came secondary to what they needed and as such I put them first.

So why am I unreasonable again?

..and they didn't have to, because I suggested they stay indoors.

Go for a walk when she's flooding every 45 mins? 🙄

OP your DP was being very unreasonable and I would 100% be reconsidering being in a relationship with someone happy to hurt his own DC's feelings just to point score against his partner (who I presume he knows suffers greatly with her endo).

Who prepared the picnic for the children? Please say that your DP did rather than leave you to do it while you are unwell.

Your DP doesn’t need a two/three bedroomed property if he only has his DC to stay over a night or two a week. He could get a one bedroom flat and use the living room as a bedroom with a sofa bed and blow up bed.

He was very unkind to say what he did. Honestly, @Louisana6 I think you deserve better than this relationship.

You are massively extrapolating and creating a narrative that isn't there.

The OP has always made him feel at home. And the children.

She asked him one time, once to take the kids out for tea.

ONCE.

One time does not equal 'treating him as a visitor'. You are massively over-dramatising and completely re-writing the facts.

He has always been made to feel at home here, as have his kids

well apart from today, right, today they were made to feel like visitors you grudged. All of them.

If I'm being made to feel so bad for what I believe is a reasonable request with my health in mind then I'm essentially being 'programmed' to never want to consider my own needs.

im guessing it just doesn’t matter how many hundreds of people tell you it wasn’t reasonable? You’re going too far though now with the whole programmed. Unless that’s your plan? Program him to never forget it’s your flat and you get first priority? Thay he can never relax or treat it like home. Because whenever you choose, he will be told to leave with his children and that they are all unwelcome.

@Alb0

Well I disagree. I think it’s an overall issue of it not really being his/their home, which is understandable, but not really feasible when you live together.

And nobody has ‘extrapolated’ the visitor thing - op has said she sees the kids as visitors or guests and the flat as her space.