AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

I don't work 50-60 hour weeks, i work 37hours a week which is whatvi would class as full time.

I have also compressed my hours into 4 days so i get a 3 day wekeend every week and have an extra day at home when dd4 is at nursery to get bits done if needed

You need to work less hours. I work 35 hours a week with some overtime about once a month and I still struggle to find time.

I think you’ve answered your own question there? I work 45 hour week (from home, so no commute) and have a partner who carries his weight around the house. I spend half an hour tidying away the worst mess in the morning, on my lunch break and the toddler is in bed. I’ve just accepted my house is not going to be tidy for a while!

Agreed 60 hrs a week is exhausting and not really sustainable in my experience.

Of course - i think it's fair to say that things generally get easier when kids get a bit older. My 4 yr old is enormously easier than at 2-3.

No other tips other than make sure you take your holidays!

I don’t think anyone would do much more than just about survive in this situation. Working a 50h week plus is difficult enough on its own (I often did pre DC). Add in children and a house renovation and I’m not surprised you are overwhelmed and have no time for yourself. I think it’ll either be a case of survive the next 5 years or so, or trim down your commitments.

I also work 37.5h and then stop.
We're eating chicken dippers and chips again and the laundry is overflowing so I'm mainly here for tips!

You can't do it all 🤷‍♀️ a ft job is 37.5hrs a week so what you're working is a lot more.

Yep, I'm another who doesn't. I work long hours but I guard my 'compressed' afternoon off fiercely. I pay for it in other ways!

I have a husband who gets that it's his job too and makes an equal impact to me. If he lived alone he would have to do all the jobs; as it is we share.

A cleaner but no nanny. Low standards and a tolerance for controlled chaos. No dog.

It gets both easier and harder as the kids get older.

Sounds like you are doing just fine to me.
I’m not sure what more you expect?

Two young children, 50 hour week and house renovation is very much the limit for anyone.

If you’re not already doing it, I’d push for more wfh, to reduce travel.

I chose YANBU - because you are not being unreasonable to be struggling! You’ve got a heck of a busy life at the moment, hugely long hours, two tinies, and a house renovation! I don’t know how you do it. You must be super woman!

That is how it is.

when DC were young, I worked full time - long hours but flexible so I could leave at 4 and pick things up of an evening. DH also flexible. Nanny + nursery + gardener + cleaner and it was still very hard.

You are doing well to stay awake with all those things going on. Can either you or DH flex things from work, even for a bit? the other option is to spend on a 'housekeeper' who will do more tidying and organisation than the cleaner does.

You are not doing too badly with a full time nanny and a twice a week cleaner. Does the nanny shower and dress your dc at both ends of the day as well as cook them three meals?

You work long hours which I assume is the norm in your profession. Will this reduce in the near future?

Working 10-12 hours a day is not compatible with the young family lifestyle. Not when both parents are doing it. I'm also in a senior level role in financial services so I understand the expectations, and I have often felt hard done my looking at my male peers whose wives generally do not work but manage house and family full time.

I had a few years of not leaning in at work, I continued to work full-time but really dialled it back. Now I'm leaning in again but it's still hard. I just left the house for a two day work trip and my 7 year old was crying her eyes out. It's tough.

I have one child, work full time in a senior role (demanding, long hours but compressed over 9 days) cleaner once for two hours, dog walker four days a week, renovating the house myself in the evening/weekends. Here is what works for me.

• Up early, bed late
• Not enough sleep/self care
• Husband that pulls his weight with parenting/house work
• Lowering my standards
• Robot vacuum cleaner. The kid loves it and you have to keep the floors clear for it to run.
• Loads of laundry between meetings and WFH around 3x a week.

I work same hours, have same help but 3 under 3 because twins.

How do I cope?

Not even barely.

I work 45 to 50 hours a week. Snr role, lots of calls with usa later. No cleaner since covid , no nanny, DH also in snr role. 2 DC, house is an utter tip 😂. I've given up. Spend 5 mins breaks shovelling laundry into machine or tumble dryer, dishes into dishwasher, have 2 robovacs one for each floor. Have baskets in each room for 'not meant to be in here'. Then I spend weekends furiously trying to clean and tidy. In my spare time I watch tiktok videos which show people cleaning really messy houses and marvel.

This was our life pre Covid and I think you just have to power on through. It’s exhausting but if you want the high powered career it is what it is.

For us two things have changed. The youngest has started school and all three can do more for themselves. They aren’t so tired in an evening so there’s less rushing around trying to get the children to bed before everything descends into tantrums and chaos. But also we’ve both decided to cut back. Covid meant that we were spending more time with the children, doing the school run and eating together. We’ve tried to maintain that. We have help with childcare but it’s more so that we can manage conflicting activities as with three there are always clashes.

Full time nanny, cleaner and a DH. I do less hours than you (40) but single parent and certainly no nanny. I just accept.house will often be a bit messy and get on with living my life.

Christ! You are amazing. I don't know how you do it.

I'm out of the house from 7.45 til 5. Single parent, two tweens. No cleaner or other bought in help. The house is not as clean as I'd like, or tidy. The kids eat less variety and less fresh food than I would like, we go out and do activities in the evenings less than I would like and they spend too much time on screens because I am running the show single handed. I don't do as much to help DS especially with his homework as I'd like. Basically, its lower standards and accepting that no-one actually getting scurvy or fleas is a win. It sucks

You just can't do 50-60 hour weeks.

I do a 4 day week which is 30 hours. I do bits in evenings and weekends (when kids asleep) so I end up doing basically about 35. I do that 100% from home.

My husband works a full 40.

Any more and the kids would never see us and we would fall apart.

You really have piled on the stress - long hours and small children is hard enough but add in a renovation and a dog and I'm not surprised you're struggling.

I'm not sure how you carve out time for yourself with all those commitments.

Thanks everyone for your comments so far. I should correct my first post - I do 60 hour weeks rarely. 50 hours is the norm. It seems like getting lots of help and not stressing about having a messy house etc. is the only way to do it. I would love to have some time to go to the gym and do more self care (eg the odd manicure / pedicure here and there), but I just can't squeeze it in. I've considered making my commute my exercise by running/cycling to work, but I just can't face it - I'm always so tired.

Re renovating the house, we did ours when we were both off work. I was on maternity leave and DH took time off between jobs. It would never have got done if we were both working. Any chance you can find a builder you trust and let him get on with it? And am interior designer for the decorating part?

You have a huge amount on - the house renovation is a massive thing on top.

I'd get a PT housekeeper, someone who will actually run the gaff and get it under control - do all shopping and laundry - then you won't feel you should be doing more. I'd also find a virtual PA who can do admin for you if that's a problem.

I know you think you can't afford it but I'd find a way to. If you are both working those hours and have to/want to then you just have to out source every fucking thing you can or you will combust.