AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

Same hours with at least 60 a week, 4 young kids (although all in school now), no cleaner and no nanny.

i work from home one day a week so have washing machine running constantly. Clean as I go, luckily I can stop at 6ish and start back up once they are in bed but reality is I am constantly tired.I am hoping one day I will be able to manage on 4hrs sleep a night and then all will be ok 😂.

it’s exhausting but I have to work for financial reasons and I wouldn’t give up my kids so overall happy with it

Two young DC (7 and 4) and I work full time (35h) in a busy, stressful job - middle management level. I mostly work on the office with a 30min commute. DH works FT from home. We have a cleaner and use nursery/after-school club.

Things generally work and everyone is well fed, house in a reasonable state etc. However I am starting to feel stressed and wondering whether I'm beginning to burn out living this lifestyle. I've found it very hard this last few months with DC taking on more extracurricular activities. I have to rush home from work to pick up early from after school club, take home for a quick dinner then rush out again to activity. Wondering whether to drop a day, but then feel guilty as DC would actually be at school during that time.

I do sometimes look back wistfully on the times when they were little and we had nowhere to be whereas now all four of us seem to be overscheduled.

I thought I'd respond as someone who is emerging out the other side with my DC now early 20s and late teens.

I always worked full time in senior roles with some travel. Similar hours to you. The stage you are at is exhausting- I remember the night wakings and total exhaustion and lack of sleep. It does get easier as they get just a little older. And at least your house reno ( also exhausting) won't last for ever.

You asked a PP if they regretted the full on hours. Mostly not in my case. That's not to say I didn't sometimes (mostly in primary school years when friends did school time socialising or hung out having a coffee at swimming classes etc. ). But not now looking back over 20+ years, I have enjoyed my career and I couldn't have done it part time .

What I leant

• lower your standards on cleaning , tidying etc
• outsource as much as you can to people you trust and treat them well
• our social life wasn't too exciting but do find some time for some fun things with or without the kids
• in those years the only thing I really did for myself was read and attend my book club - read on my commute and was my one night out a month with girl friends. ( audio book when too tired to read!)
• Cook one meal (or get someone else to ) and eat with kids or heat up for you.
• it wasn't an option for me at your stage but I would absolutely see if you can wfh a day or so a week. Or a day a month if that's not possible. It really helps not commuting and for popping in washing etc

I would have a serious think about the 'whys' OP- is it so you can have a big house and all the trappings of high earners , or is it because you think you can't dial back a bit in that particular industry/role? Because there's an awful lot of people have gone down this road and got burn out very early - could you still manage well doing 3 days a week but high earning- would it be possible? Could you be self employed in that line and earn well but set your own pace etc? Are you under pressure from your H to be a high earner and he has expensive tastes?? It's great to be a high flyer but it often comes at a price and is it one you are prepared to pay- as the old saying goes, no one on their deathbed says 'I wish I had spent more time at the office'

My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. That, for me, will be making a huge difference. Generally women with demanding jobs don't get to check out at home, men seem to be able to do so though.

Dp and I both work 48hrs per week (4x12hr shifts). He does days but I do days and nights. We both do 4 on, 4 off opposite each other. It means we don't have to pay for nursery etc, not that we could afford it anyway (some people think working loads of hours means you're well off but some of us have to do it to keep a roof over our heads).

Due to how we set up our shifts, everything is 50/50. I couldn't and wouldn't be with someone who thought they could check out at home.

Previously I worked long and unpredictable hours but i still did my fair share around the house because I love and respect my partner.

Can you do any work, admin or relaxation on your commute? I know the last one might be counterintuitive, but when I had a 4+hr round trip commute, I would use it to sleep, watch TV or do work, to either relax or free up my evenings.

While kids are young, I really think you need to claw back time where you can’t and where you can’t, accept that for this season, most of your time is spoken for.

Even just having a hot shower for more than a couple of minutes (or without kids!) is a treat for me for now, but it won’t always be like this.

Also, can you cut down on “dinner” (at least the prep and clean up part, by lowering expectations or throwing money at it)?

Best case scenario, I’d do extra work on my commute in, half and half on my way home (something mindless or interesting like a podcast or TV on the second half of the trip), easy dinner, and no work after kids are in bed. If it means delegating more at work or buying in more help, so be it.

Wow OP you are doing brilliantly. My DCs are now 15 &18, but I remeber those days. A couple of things jump out at me;

8-6 seem short hours for a nanny in London, when mine were that age our nanny did 7-7.
I cannot believe your DH can't do a single handover no matter how "big" his job is, if the family rely on your wage it's simply not fair.
If the family don't need your income, then make sure DH is paying in to a pension in your name as well as paying the bills. You are effectively supporting his career and that needs to be finacially recognised.

On the same note having " grown up dinner" between 2 working days is for the birds, cooking it even more so. The performative production of a (man's) meal timed for the end of his working is one of the most insidious forms of wifework.

Finally and only when your DH has re-evaluated his working patterns, see if you can't put the DCs in nursery and WFH a day a week or 2 although the renovations may make that impossible.

In answer to your question I don't regret keeping going with my career. I have just had a big promotion, have a stonking pension and am in the position to support DS when he goes to Uni in October.

No disrespect to your pet dog but can anybody else take care of them instead as they may have more spare time. The dog cannot be getting much of a look in as things stand.

@dillydally24 you asked whether anyone has stepped back and regretted it. I did do similar to you for a few years when my oldest children were very young. Nanny/au pair and outsourcing everything . But it became too much and I made the decision to stop work altogether (very drastic) when my oldest child was around 7. However I ended up almost accidentally going into a different sector a few months later on a job share. I did this new job (which became gradually more full time) over the next few years while I had a couple more children and they all became older. But it never was a 50 hour a week job, and I could leave it alone at weekends.

Strangely my H never felt the need to cut back his hours, or change sector, but that's a different point I suppose.....

I don't regret it actually, although my circs are different in that I also became a single parent along the way. I had already reduced my hours in the first job, but that didn't really help because I'd still have to work on my days off and it was still a very stressful job. I think it would have been ok to push through for a few years f I'd loved my job, but I didn't really. I do love the job I've ended up doing now - the job I took enabled me to take a different career path to one I'd ever imagined, and now my children are older I'm working at a very senior level full time. The difference this time is that I actually really love my job, so it's worth all the juggling and hard work.

(Being a single full time working parent of older children is just as exhausting as being a FT working parent of young children by the way, so don't think it's any easier).

(I also don't buy that your H's work is more demanding than yours. I worked the same job as my H, but he still was unable to do handovers etc, be home for the nanny, take days off if necessary. strange that).

This was me! What we did: get the nanny to get the kids to put away their toys before you come home. We had a big box in the sitting room that everything got thrown in. Nanny also clears up the kitchen after the children have been eating there - all surfaces wiped down, crocks in the dishwasher, floor swept or given a quick wash. That gave us two reasonably clean and tidy rooms.

We got someone else in to do the ironing, which meant the cleaner had more time to clean.

We also built in one evening babysitting a week, which we didn’t always use, but it was nice to have the option to go out to dinner occasionally.

• have the cleaner/nanny/help help with all aspects of laundry
• outsource what you can
• diarise everything, listen/read home hack podcasts/websites/books
• book 1/2 holidays to see matinee shows/movies with hubby as dates (you are just less tired). Early years with dc1, I feel asleep a few times in night cinema. Hasn't happened since I do afternoon shows.
• if work offers buying holiday scheme, buy them (and take them) all
• are there any early morning classes for the youngest that are 30 minutes. Some senior people go for runs, gym, yoga. Take a shorter lunch, WFH, and do class with youngest. 1 on 1 time is precious and limited when you have 2
• take a day a month and really organise, re prioritise work/ inbox.
• buy a notebook dedicated for home projects. Loft needs rewiring? Write it down. Best friend special birthday coming up? Write it down. A book is less likely to get lost than a post it

I'd recommend "I know how she does it" by Laura Vanderkam. A friend sent this to me when I started back full time after mat leave and it was really helpful.

Essentially the research looks at 100 senior women with full time roles, analysing their time use diaries on how they make it work. Some good food for thought in there. As well
as giving some good tips it helped me frame how I thought about work life balance differently. For example if I sleep 49 hours a week and work 50, I still have 69 hours I can control.

On a personal level I make things work by doing many of the things previous posters do, cooking less and accepting lower standards!

Good luck OP the days are long but the years are short and this won't be forever

This is your biggest issue. Outsourcing will help around the edges but if ultimately you are still responsible you swap doing it yourself for finding, keeping and managing staff, so one stress for another.

what can your DH take off your hands? Can he be responsible for the house renovations and prioritise that during his quieter periods? He can still outsource but he’ll be responsible. Can he do all the nanny handovers when there’s no transactions on? He can log in after the kids are in bed like you do but gives you time to prioritise work and catch a break.

FWIW after my first maternity leave DH could do nothing as he travelled for work during the week. I was shattered and it actually got to the point where I started to fall asleep at work. After the second I told DH that I couldn’t cope and he used my second maternity leave to find a new job with less travel. The difference between me doing everything and us splitting it fairly was immense.

@dillydally24 Site is glitchy today so I can't find the message I wanted to respond to, but wanted to say thanks for posting this thread. It helps to know the consensus, that it isn't doable.

I've been weighing up a job change to 4 days p/w and 100% remote. It's not paid less than I earn now, but will require complete focus. Scares the s* out of me tbh but it's a workable option with more flexibility than I have now and either it works and sets me up for a manageable future or it's a disaster and I have to make another change in a couple of years when again, hopefully things are easier.

Best of luck to you! Oh and if you really are like me, it's the time out of routine that is a killer. We had a family funeral yesterday - a day looking after aged parents which will set us back for weeks.

These are good tips @Beggingforsleep

You've got a lot on your plate and it seems the only way to cope is to outsource everything. If you can afford to, why not? There's no shame in wanting to maintain your career even though you have young children. It was always going to be tough with a small age gap though.

Oh OP. The DHs of super stressed women always tend to have super important jobs that mean they can't pull their weight equally.

My DH is a senior manager for large international, but still does 50% of housework and childcare. This means I can get to the gym etc

I can't quite get my head around why anyone thinks it's OK to use their job as a reason they cannot parent or simply pull their weight as a grown adult. You need to lean on him more.

OH is senior and works 50h weeks, I am middle management and work a standard 37.5 from home. Two kids, no childcare. I have a cleaner and a gardener. I'm generally knackered. No idea how you are managing an extra 15h per week on top of this!

I couldn’t do it and I quit.

I’m sure that really isn’t the answer for everyone. It involved me thinking hard about ‘success’, my identity, what i wanted my life and my families life to be like etc. It also meant that I took the risk that i would be able to go back to an adequately paid role if i need to.

i was lucky in that we can manage without my salary. We were choosing to both work and didn’t have to.

DH could have quit instead, but his role is actually much more flexible than mine would have been and he is much much better with boundaries; my main problem wasn’t the hours it was the never relenting stress. He is also less self sufficient and would have struggled more with stepping back.

i don’t regret it yet but there is time!

if i could gave found a way to deal with the stress better and if i could have managed to turn off from work when I wasn’t working, then i think it would have been easier. Turning email off, setting out of offices, not being apologetic for not being available would have been a good start!!

The dog's very much part of the family, so he's not going anywhere. I should have said that he goes to daycare on week days, so we get help with that. I said I have a lot of help! However he does need to be walked in the mornings and evenings and on the weekends. My DH usually takes care of that.

Is your husband a corporate lawyer, OP? I’ve done that job. It is full on and stressful and when there was a big transaction on it was a stay-late-and-order-pizza situation for many nights. It’s not very family friendly, is the truth of it.

Or in corporate finance? Great if you want free dinner and a cab home, less good because you're hardly at home.

Sort of. I don't want to be too specific in case it's outing, but he's in a role where people think nothing of sending work through at 11pm on a Friday night and expecting it to be turned around by Monday morning.

Well you don't manage it all, you just do the bits you can and forget the rest in my world 😆