AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

I also think it's not sustainable. I would also look at what else you can outsource.

What's your plan for the future? When are things going to let up?

Hats off to you 👏

Alcohol can help. Once they are in bed, asleep, a glass of something nice can help the climb-down into some sort of relaxation.

Finding a way for each of you to have some time off is important too. My wife had a long weekend away recently while I did my best to occupy and not lose both children, and three nights of no worries for her, good sleep, and seeing friends made a huge difference.

OP it gets better. Mine are teens now and life is so much easier. Actually for us, the turning point was at the age where they didn't really need a nanny but needed company after school. I employed someone who is sort of a nanny and actually just mainly really useful person around the house. She does all the 'mental load': dentists, new shoes, cakes for school, replacing printer cartridges, money for school trips etc. you need to find the right person but honestly, it's a game changer. She just proactively organises these things and just emails to let me know.

I took a bit of a step back when DD was tiny. I just didn't have the headspace for it, the commute etc etc and took a role I could do a genuine 37 hours and none outside of that.

Then covid happened and we could both work from home (still do, it's more productive for me) and we lost the 2 hour commute, which meant we gained back that time either end of the day.

A DH who does 50% at least of everything and he's in an equally demanding senior role.

Fortunately DD is now at school so we've invested heavily in the clubs and lean on granny too for help.

It is just messy, exhausting grinding for the first few years, you just have to suck it up and put yourself last.

Now DD is 5 our quality of life had dramatically improved. We have time before and after work for exercise, she has playdates with school friends and can join us on bike rides/ swimming / pony riding.

I feel like we're finally getting ourselves back. Hang on in there OP. Reduce your hours if need be.

It can’t be done. Having struggled through with my career working 4 dpw then 3
dpw I took four years off running my own business part time around the kids.
back to a proper job now the kids are 7 and 8- is much less intense these days- but even then I can’t contemplate working more than 30hpw.

by the way the worst part (sorry) is when they start school and you need to organise wraparound and school holiday care. much easier when they are just in nursery all year round. But gets easier again when they are 6/7, as long as at least one of your can wfh and/or you have some family help.

i honestly don’t think I would have had kids if I knew how utterly exhausting the first 5 years would be.

Nothing wrong with a chicken dipper or two!

Some of us don’t have much choice really. I do 50 hour weeks. I live in London and I’m a single mum and my ex pays fuck all. Someone has to pay for it all.

People always say you can’t do it, it’s not sustainable, you never see your kids etc, it’s not fair on them etc. It is what it is. And you can do it if you have to. I wouldn’t have chosen it but I make it work reasonably efficiently and at least I call the shots financially.

I wish people who have the luxury of being able to go to four hour weeks/reduce their hours etc would stop and think about this for a bit. Some of us can’t do this. It’s fair enough to express amazement etc but please stop with the judgement. It’s not a lifestyle choice, it’s a necessity.

Does your DP help out? I work ~50 hours a week, I have two kids, do not have any additional help, but a very supportive DH (who works FT too), and manage to fit in life around it all. Maybe you need to repriortise the help you actually need Vs the help you currently have

And this is why I will never be really successful. Honestly the ambition, drive and hard work you lot have and put in is awe inspiring! I know you’re asking how can you do it but you’ve got pretty fucking far already.

Amazing. And I feel so lazy.

What else do you need to do? Do you cook dinner and do bedtime or does the nanny do it?

I’m in a very similar situation but my kids are slightly older and my dog is a puppy. I barely feel alive most of the time but my tips are;

• meal planning and cooking the next day’s meal the night before when the kids are in bed
• eating with the kids and clearing up then doing bed time and working after
• Running and emptying the dishwasher in the evening so it’s ready to fill at breakfast
• getting up earlier than the kids to have a shower and get ready
• bulk buying kids presents and cards so I have something in stock for parties
• keeping on good terms with my builder even if he annoys me

its really basic things but just about let’s me keep my head above water.

Your post made me exhausted just reading it. Can you do less hours? Even 50 is excessive!

OP, it's hard. But it is doable. A few thoughts that jump out at me though:

With a nanny and a cleaner twice a week, I'm not sure why your house is a bit of a tip? The nanny should be keeping the DC's bedrooms clean and tidy and communal areas vaguely tidy, certainly by the end of each day. This also means that with a cleaner twice a week (assuming she's not coming for an hour at a time) there should be plenty of time for her to keep the place looking pretty good.

So first thing I'd do is really consider whether the help you are bringing in is the right help? It's hard but I'd be pretty upset if between the nanny and the cleaner they weren't keeping on top of things.

There are other things that can be outsourced - dog walking, washing/ironing, gardening etc. A cleaner will often do washing/ironing if requested or find someone else to do it. Many will collect/deliver (select times when your nanny or cleaner are at home to make it happen).

Our nanny used to prepare sufficient food for the whole family a few times a week. Can yours do that, at least a few times a week? So she'd usually do something in the slow cooker one day, and perhaps a mince-based dish one day in quantities sufficient for everyone. Ditto, our nanny did a relatively early bath time so that by the time we got home, DC were in pyjamas, place was generally tidy and they were usually watching a little tv. So we got to swan in and do the fun stuff which was cuddles and stories.

Of course, the house renovation just adds a huge extra layer. Plus, your house will always be messier/dirtier during building works so there is an element of just sucking it up. When we did our renovations we joined the local David Lloyd - we were there every Friday afternoon/evening because I just couldn't face it at home, and often on weekends too!

Worked 60 hour weeks pre children
Cut back a lot when DC were small
Gradually increased as DC grew up
Now 45 and DC all at Uni am back to 12 hour days
Do love my job though
We bought in lots of help

I cracked in the end trying to do this - 2 small children, senior role in london, london commute, out the house 10 hrs a day, and a husband on shift work who works nights and weekends. I had a HUGE amount of help from relatives, spent all weekend cleaning, and still catching up on work in the evening. quit last year for a more local job and wfh 2 days a week, smallest kid goes to school in september. I now see my kids and have a hobby. Is my life better? Much! But do I still feel like a failure because I couldn't do it? Yes.

Why isn't a ft nanny and twice weekly cleaner not making a massive difference. I think most sahm would be in a worse off position- no cleaner and them doing it all. Where is the gap which makes it difficult? Surely you are getting home and the kids are fed and bathed already? It's probably the house renovation that's adding the stress. You have a weekend to fit in a few hours of personal time between you and dh?

I think you underestimate just how exhausting it can be. The main difference between a SAHM and what the OP is probably doing is that you need to find time in the evening to log back in and work when the children are asleep. You tend not to get much downtime in an evening. I drew a line at weekends, only working if it was a real emergency but lots of people don’t and that’s more juggling and stress.

Well it’s just not something that I’ve ever aspired to that’s for sure but I do admire those of you that are keeping those plates spinning, super women! I do work full time but always in super flexible roles even before I had kids as whilst I want to earn a decent income it’s never been overly important to me. Having kids cemented that for me as my job had enabled me to spend time with them. Plus I work from home which massively helps. I suppose if a career and money is your top priority then outsource as much as you can and be reassured that when the kids get older it will get less intense.

OP are you me? In v similar boat though cleaner comes once a week and no renovation!! Kids are just turned 4 and 18 months, do a 50hr week involving a lot of post-kids’ bedtime working. It’s gruelling and I feel like I’m doing a shit job with everything. Solidarity!

@Mally100 the nanny and cleaner do make a massive difference, but it's still hard. I get up at 5:30am and go to bed at 10pm (I can't go to bed any later as my youngest is a baby and is still up once or twice overnight for feeds). In between 5:30am and 10pm I am either looking after the kids (6am to 8am), commuting (8am to 9am), working (9am to 5pm), commuting (5pm to 6pm), putting the kids to bed (6pm to 7:30pm), eating dinner (7:30pm to 8:30pm) and doing some more work (8:30pm to 10pm). Then I repeat. There's very little time on the weekends - just nap time when it's just me and my DH. I try to squeeze in life admin during the working day, but there's often not time.

I totally agree. They also go to bed at a reasonable time when they are small! Mine are 8 and 11 now, and are up until 9.00/9.30 usually.

Thank you. I hear you.

These are some really good hacks. I already do some of these eg bill buying cards and presents for parties and getting up 30 mins before the kids to have a shower and get ready for work on my own. I might try eating dinner with the kids on the weekends - it would give me more time in the evenings with DH or sleeping. Thanks for the good idea.

OP, where is your husband in all of this? The only way I could have made it work when they were little was splitting it more fairly. We had a system where DH would always leave early and I’d wait for the nanny to arrive but in the evenings we took it in turns to do the bedtime shift while the other worked. It meant I got at least a couple of evenings a week where I had some downtime. And yes, I know he works harder/longer/is more senior but he needs to step up too else you’ll end up a wreck.

It’s so hard. Agree with PP, see if you can get some housekeeping help and a project manager for the renovation. Maybe extra childcare time for some time to yourself. Good luck!