AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

We’re like you. Two professionals, working long hours, and have two children in nursery.

Both our families live a very long way away, so it’s us, and professional help.

We have a nanny two days a week, and nursery three days a week, and between everything else we don’t really get much time for ourselves.

We’ve a cleaner, a handyman, and some gardeners, which helps, but we also have multiple homes, and I commute to a job on the continent which adds complexity back in, as does the fact that my wife isn’t English so seeing her family is difficult.

To answer your question, this is just the way it is. We’d have liked more children, but it’d not be possible without one of us giving up work, and we don’t want to do that yet.

@ChiselandBits Ha! No scurvy or fleas yet. That gives me hope.

DON'T start running to work - the last thing you need to do is something that makes you feel more tired.

Do something that also feels that it is supporting you emotionally eg Yoga (you can build up to the hard stuff). Someone could come to your home to do an hour with you once a week, and you can do online in between.

You do what you have to,to survive,to keep a roof over your head. My ex H, tried to kill me,took out mortgages,by forging my signature. Lost my house, and possessions to balliffs. Was in a new relationship,40, problematical gynae history,he lost his house.. no fault of his own. We were given social housing, because we didn't make ourself deliberately homeless. No central heating or double glazed. Rather than Take a loan on a house we didn't own. Bought the house (had a baby, he had no kids, just as well, went through the menopause at 42!) Worked evenings,then whole nights, didn't go to bed till she went to school. 2of my other 3 DKs also at home, huge garden, animals. By the time she was 8,was working 5 10 hour nights. No outside help. Doing up the house ourselves. I was beyond tired. I had been made homeless by ex H several times, determined to keep a roof over our heads. Wanted to be mortgage free, managed that,by buying a wreck for cash.

What I wish I done when I was younger is worked for long days and had Friday at home.

I also wish I’d had live in help honestly I would’ve paid an au pair £500 a week to sleep in so that I could get up at the morning at 5 to go to the gym straight to work from there be home for six put the girls to bed and then do some more work maybe after then.

I work 40-50 hours in a management role, with core hours but some flexibility, have four horses (only two are in work) and five dogs. Husband works nights but pulls his weight when awake.

I only have one child- that helps.

I don’t need much sleep- also helpful.

I don’t iron, I do all my laundry overnight, I insist everyone helps with housework, horse work and dogs. I shop online- for everything from food to contact lenses.

I am also treasurer for a children’s grassroots sports club, and chairman for a much bigger adult sports club. I schedule phone calls regarding those things for during my commute, and meetings are only allowed on Wednesday and Friday nights.

it’s ok, I honestly think looking at MN that having one child seems to make the difference.

The only women I've seen who really 'have it all' have a stay at home partner. Basically the same way men have done it for decades.

As for self care - you and DH need to split one of the weekend days. We basically decide on a Thursday or Friday who wants what half of Saturday kid free. The other parent takes the kids out or deals with them. We either spend our half day doing jobs or self care.

So the question is, why are you working 50 hour weeks?

• because I need to do the paid overtime to pay for the reno and will cut back when it's done
• because I'm setting up my own business so front loading the hours to reap the rewards down the line

These are understandable.

• because its expected in my industry and is unpaid
• because we are under staffed and is unpaid
• because my contract is 50 hours per week

Are things that should be reflected on

You can’t do it all. And you’ll wear yourself out trying. We both work full time (me 45h/week, DH 37.5 + a voluntary role), 2DC now primary aged. I’ve said a flat no to a dog, won’t consider house renovations until we can afford a project manager (ie never), ignore the overgrown garden and have a childminder who saves us regularly. I try to clean for 15mins a day and tolerate the mess.

Oh wow. I totally relate. I also feel resentful of male colleagues who have wives who are SAHP, even though I wouldn't want to be like them because it would mean I wouldn't see my kids enough (I am always home for bath and bedtime, then I work remotely afterwards to catch up).

It's a personal question, so feel free not to answer, but do you ever regret trying to maintain your career? Sometimes in wonder if I should step back a bit.

Outsource - everything you possibly can! It's the only way.

I worked as a hospital manager on a contract which said 'as many hours as it takes to get the job done' it was hard and I had a breakdown.

No I actually wish I’d kept my foot to the gas when my girls were younger simply because I ended up a single mother and our standard of limit thing plummeted to unimaginably bad levels but because I’d kept my hand in my career and was able to commander decent salary I could pull back the situation fairly quickly within four years of being literally destitute to owning two houses (mortgaged, not outright).

But still, i’m very happy I got zero from the divorce and I’ve been able to rebuild fairly quickly.

Badly. I manage it badly.

Too many hours, if you are senior you need to delegate more and get additional assistance at work.

Your dh needs to do the same.

You have outsourced a lot of household tasks already, perhaps add another day with the cleaner so 2 hours Monday, 2 hours Wednesday and 2 hours Friday plus ironing?

You need more help.
Get a housekeeper to cook and tidy
A baby sitter one evening so you do sonething fir you
A project manager to over see the reno

I've just stepped back. Gone from at least 55 hour weeks in consulting which was brutal to a change of sector (not for profit) with a pay cut but a lot less hours and no evenings and early starts.

It's led to an awful lot of soul searching with an extra 15-20 hours a week on my hands and I am really struggling with my identity. I hadn't realised how tied up my identity was with work. I think it will all work out and the new sector knowledge will be helpful if I want to do NED stuff as I get nearer to retirement. And I am spending a load more time with the DCs (10 and 7) which is brilliant.

How long have you been back at work after your second parental leave? I found with all of mine it took a year to really get back into the swing of things and new rhythm of more kids at home. You need to be strict with your hours and as productive as you can at work. If you don't manage to get things done within 40h then delegate or speak to your line manager. After my third kid I became soooo much better at delegating and saying no! Once people know how busy you are they stop expecting the world from you.

I actually think the toddler years are in someways the easiest logistically!! As long as they are fed and kept amused then it doesn’t matter where they are.
once they hit school you have homework and afterschool activities and play dates and birthday parties and school events to juggle. Working 50 hours a week is going to be a nightmare on top of that!

@Libertybear80 No amount of money is worth that type of contract, I'm so sorry it had such a negative effect on you.

OP, I think both parents working those types of hours just isn't sustainable. I know my marriage wouldn't have coped with the strain but kudos to those who do manage it. I wish the standard model was both parents work 4 days a week during the early years but that's not going to happen any time soon.

I was in a more senior role in finance, stepped back to enable me to spend more time with kids and elderly dependent relative. I did regret being too career focused when dd was little, but it paid well and I enjoyed it and I think, honestly, felt I had something to prove. Not sure what!

Stepping back has made me much happier. Now I work 40 hours most weeks, some weeks it is 55 hours. I’m not happy with that and have just accepted a job that is a more steady hours and 100% wfh with family flexibility so I can still go to school assemblies and extra curricular stuff for my older dd and take my toddler to the park. And I find time to cook and do the garden.

DH still has a senior role but flexible around hours - works late evenings or weekends.

We don’t have pets.
We have a cleaner 4 hours a week.
We use an excellent Nursery not a nanny.
We mostly wfh.
We are ruthlessly organised and communicate well - we synchronise daily plans at 7.15am after we’ve both had coffee, and EVERYTHING goes in the Diary.

Neither of us find much time to socialise beyond close family or go to the gym. I suspect we will both live to regret this - or drop dead from stress and inactivity and leave our kids regretting it.

i don’t think I will ever pursue my career aggressively again. I’m content. I’m full of admiration for those mums and dads who manage so much more. You are built stronger than me!

You can’t do it all I’m afraid. We’re a few years ahead of you with one in school and one in nursery and don’t feel the balance is right. I’ll warn you now though school is harder: try and keep your nanny on rather than trying to juggle wraparound/ holiday clubs. The thing that has got me is homework, my daughter wanting me to attend random cake sales, performances etc.

I changed my job, OP. I worked similar hours to you in a really stressful and demanding job, and I was missing too much time with my girls. My husband doing all the parenting while I was stuck in the office with my hair falling out from the guilt and stress was not what I signed up for.

Now my work facilitates my parenting. I can finish at 4pm every day. Make a decent meal for them. Do their homework. took a small pay cut but not a drastic one.

more to life than work and money.

Ps I did have 1 year out after mat leave on voluntary redundancy package, but have worked ft since and at one point I was doing 60 hour weeks but it is not sustainable and dh worked from home at that point and apart from his on call weeks was normal hours. I moved employer who pays me more and I finish on time mostly, work over when needed but it is nowhere near as bad as before.

I don't regret maintaining my career, I have doubled my wage in 10 years.

Op to answer your question. No I don't for a second regret keeping my career going. It was really REALLY hard when the dc were small and I had some really low points. But now they are getting more independence, dc1 going to secondary in Sept. I am doing really well at work. DH also. We have a really good comfortable income, lots of savings to cushion if things get tough and go on nice holidays. I grew up very poor, I never want to be in that situation again. Yes people may have a different view about time spent with small children at home but I'm comfortable that making sure that one of us isn't the only income source is crucial for me.