To expect help with our child

[Dotty08]

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

Did you speak to him about it?

What happens on the weekend?

I understand he goes to work Mon - Fri and you’re stay at home Mum correct? What does your weekend look like when he’s at home too?

He seems to do quite a lot tbh. Why are you expressing milk nine times a day?

Sorry I should have added more context.
im on mat leave but due to return to work in the next couple of months so trying to establish a new routine.
If I’ve had a very bad night at the weekend he will get up with dd in the morning and entertain her for a couple of hours but he won’t feed her, give her anything to drink and doesn’t give her important medication (she has a heart condition )

I’ve tried to speak to him about it and he guilt trips me saying he loves his family. he’s always here.. which he is always here but he isn’t present. He seems disengaged from family life.

Do you really think that’s a lot?

I have to exclusively pump because my child has a health condition.

I think as long as he does his fair share of nappy changes and putting to bed I would be ok with him not getting up in the night regularly. It's sounds like he does do an ok amount to help in other ways. Expressing 9 times a day is a lot. Are you bottle feeding expressed milk rather than breastfeeding? If so I would just go to formula and then that will ease a lot of the stress in your day. I'm pro breastfeeding I fed my second until he was 3 but if it involved expressing that often I definitely wouldn't have. My first was premmie so I know how hard it is to express regularly but Eben whilst he was NICU I didn't have to express that often!

he won’t feed her, give her anything to drink and doesn’t give her important medication (she has a heart condition )

How come? He’s sat there with a 9 month old baby for hrs without giving her food, drink or meds? Is he incapacitated?

And what’s the relation between your baby’s heart condition and exclusively pumping?

He doesn’t nappy change or put to bed.

I want to breast feed because my baby has a heart condition and it’s the best for her. But because of long stints in nicu and picu after open heart surgery she’s not able to latch so yeah I express and then bottle feed. I have tried to add formula in and it just leads to sleepless nights with horrendous wind.

I know pumping is putting pressure on me ..
maybe that’s why I feel he isn’t doing enough.

There are multiple, hundreds of threads on this subject. It's as if men have just opted out of family life or never grown up. It makes me weep with frustration. I can tell you categorically if I had my time again I'd be doing it with a sperms donor and raising my kids alone. It isn't nagging to discuss his input. He calls it that to shut you down. He doesn't want to do any more.
Sorry but I've come to despise most men. They are good for nothing.

Oh OP, I really feel for you here as the responses to this thread are already getting completely ridiculous. Who in their right mind thinks a man who has never done a night waking or even changed a nappy is 'doing quite a lot'. I feel sorry for the PP that puts up with such a low bar from their other half. My self worth is a lot higher than that, and my DP is an incredibly hands on dad without me even needing to ask/tell him.

OP - your partner is not pulling his weight and if I were you I would have a serious conversation with him about how things have to change - just because he works 8-4, doesn't mean he gets to clock off at night, or do nothing at the weekend. What is his justification for never wiping his own child's arse? Or is that 'woman's work?!'

What you're expecting is the bare minimum he should be doing! Why won't he feed your child and provide the basics? So disturbing

because of long stints in nicu and picu after open heart surgery she’s not able to latch. She nearly died 5 times and spent months in picu tube fed

If you say/said to him "please can you change dd's nappy" what happens? Or has he stated categorically that he won't be doing any of this stuff (XDH never changed a single nappy but he announced this would be the case before they were born. Which is when I should have spotted the red flags waving merrily all around me...)

That's a lot of pumping! I exclusively expressed but don't think I ever pumped milk that many times per day. Expressing is time consuming. Can you look at cutting that down?

But it's not acceptable that he is not helping at night and he should be doing 50/50 when he's not at work.

Is there a reason you have to pump 9 times a day? Seems old an awful lot for a 9month old.
You are obviously feeling overwhelmed and that seems like an easy thing to reduce your load with.

What does he do with her for hours if he won’t change her nappy, give her a bottle or give her food??

It's fuck all! He walks the dog and empties the dishwasher. Why isn't he sharing the care of his child when he's at home? Sharing the cleaning, cooking, house admin?

I understand but she’s fed from the bottle correct? Can you not switch to formula?

And again, I’m stunned as to why your DH is
unable to feed her or give her medication- is he scared to do it or just plain stupid?

Don’t frame it as helping you. It’s him doing his fair share of looking after your shared child. It’s not solely your responsibility. He is an equal parent.

You and me have very different ideas of what to expect from a life partner. The OP's OH does not in any way shape or form do 'quite a lot'. That's completely ridiculous. He's never cleaned his own child's bottom. Or fed them. Or soothed them in the night. It's posts like yours that serve to undermine equality and respect for woman, especially mums, and it makes me very sad.

bloody hell people, the issue is not with her sorting out the feeding to whatever we randomers might think is better. She didn't ask how to reduce the need to pump. OP at the weekends, at the very least, he should be doing some night wakings and one early get up so you get a lie in. You should be splitting nappies / feeding and housework 50/50 at the weekend and when he is home from work in the evening. No other job in the world has 24/7 shifts. People use the "oh but he's at woooorrrkkkk" like its the second coming when many jobs are desk bound, chatting with colleagues, a break for lunch etc. I am a teacher and even that I think is easier than being at home with a high needs baby / toddler. You have to sit him down and get him on the same page BEFORE you go back to work. he is not "helping" he is parenting.

What if you left him? There is no way he could be trusted with her. It's terrifying.

If he’s not feeding her, giving her anything to drink or giving required medication then that’s neglect. It’s really sad and I’m so sorry you’re in this position but I don’t think you can trust him to do more, you probably shouldn’t even be leaving him alone with her if he can’t even manage to do this level basic care.

The cat is "always here" too. She does bugger all as well, but at least she's cute and doesn't gas light me.