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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect help with our child

171 replies

Dotty08 · 15/06/2022 15:19

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2022 16:15

Dotty08 · 15/06/2022 15:36

because of long stints in nicu and picu after open heart surgery she’s not able to latch. She nearly died 5 times and spent months in picu tube fed

Show quote history

OK, is it possible that he's scared shitless he'll do something wrong and she'll get sick again?

Is he traumatised by her history and so he's disengaged slightly into "fun dude" not Daddy incase something happens to her?

How old is she and how long since she was discharged?

alfieum · 15/06/2022 16:16

This is the most shocking 'my husband does fuck all' thread I have read on here. Can you go to your mums or anywhere. I can not imagine how frustrating this must be for you. He is neglectful and you are a superhero for pumping that much for so long to feed your baby. 💐

Hugasauras · 15/06/2022 16:16

Also the baby is 9 months old so is on solids now so plenty of opportunity to feed her!

Passthetena · 15/06/2022 16:16

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 15/06/2022 15:59

Are you working at the moment? If you are still on mat leave well why would he be getting up in the night to feed? The entire point of mat leave is so you can look after your baby. If you are back at work we'll it should be more 50/50 once you finish work. Weekends should be more 50/50 too. If he's working and you are on mat leave though you should be doing more than him in the working week with the baby and around the house.

Because sleep deprivation is a form.of torture and despite op being on mat leave, him doing one night a week to allow her to sleep properly won't kill him. During the week let him sleep by all means but there are 2 weekend days do op should absolutely get to sleep on one of them!

nixon1976 · 15/06/2022 16:17

canyoutoleratethis · 15/06/2022 15:35

Oh OP, I really feel for you here as the responses to this thread are already getting completely ridiculous. Who in their right mind thinks a man who has never done a night waking or even changed a nappy is 'doing quite a lot'. I feel sorry for the PP that puts up with such a low bar from their other half. My self worth is a lot higher than that, and my DP is an incredibly hands on dad without me even needing to ask/tell him.

OP - your partner is not pulling his weight and if I were you I would have a serious conversation with him about how things have to change - just because he works 8-4, doesn't mean he gets to clock off at night, or do nothing at the weekend. What is his justification for never wiping his own child's arse? Or is that 'woman's work?!'

This!

Tilltheend99 · 15/06/2022 16:17

@Cotswoldmama she said he doesn’t do nappy changes. The things listed that he does specifically for the baby were bath, make her laugh, and occasionally mine her for two hours at a weekend but not give her food water or medication.

Op it’s hard when one partner is working to explain the value of full time childcare for your baby. Putting that aside, your child is not getting much out of the relationship if he does nothing for her, even at the weekend. Changing a nappy or feeding a meal can be as important as bonding time as playing a game.

Tilltheend99 · 15/06/2022 16:18

*mind

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2022 16:19

2bazookas · 15/06/2022 16:12

He doesn’t feed, change, dress

He can't breast feed.

How does he bath the baby without changing a dirty nappy and dressing the clean dry baby after?

He can heat up the milk and put the bottle in the baby's mouth

Presumably op is prepping the baby, he's washing her and then handing her back to op to dress.

CoalCraft · 15/06/2022 16:19

2bazookas · 15/06/2022 16:12

He doesn’t feed, change, dress

He can't breast feed.

How does he bath the baby without changing a dirty nappy and dressing the clean dry baby after?

But he can give baby a bottle of expressed milk.

And oh, because he potentially removes one wet nappy at bath time and dresses her afterwards, he's excused from all other changes? Even if baby is bathed daily (and mine isn't), that's hardly a lot of changes.

And that he won't feed her or give her meds is bizarre.

OP, I exclusively pumped for four months and it damn near killed me so I am in awe.

ChocolateHippo · 15/06/2022 16:19

YANBU. He's a neglectful parent and a lazy sod.

Usually I'd recommend going out at the weekend by yourself and just leaving him to look after the baby. But obviously you can't do that if he can't be trusted to look after his own baby.

Honestly, it might be extreme, but I'd be tempted to tell him that if he neglects his child when he's meant to be caring for her, you'll report him to the police and to SS for child neglect. It's really not acceptable and he needs to know this. When in charge of a child, you need to meet their basic needs - hardly rocket science, is it?

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 16:20

Honestly, it might be extreme, but I'd be tempted to tell him that if he neglects his child when he's meant to be caring for her, you'll report him to the police and to SS for child neglect.

As if the op is actually going to do that. A ridicule and unhelpful thing to suggest.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/06/2022 16:20

Genuine question - does he have learning difficulties?
Unless I read it wrong, I think you said he didn't feed his child whilst you were still asleep? Why not?

Friendship101 · 15/06/2022 16:21

He can give a bottle of the expressed breast milk. OP has said baby can’t latch to the breast so she expresses 9 times a day then presumably gives multiple bottles during the day as well as solids numerous times.

He does more than some men I agree but he isn’t doing his fair share. We shouldn’t accept low standards just because others are worse. It’s most awful that he can have baby up for hours but not feed her or give her her medication, that’s not even laziness just either incompetence or he doesn’t see the importance which is dangerous

Hallyup89 · 15/06/2022 16:23

He's working, you're not. See if it changes when you go back. Your baby shouldn't be so reliant on breast milk by now so you do seem to be pumping hugs amounts. I'm always amazed at how much childcare women seem to think their partners should do, when they're on maternity leave. Babies need their MOTHER, first and foremost. Yes, it's hard work, but it's not like he's not pitching in with other things. Medication is actually best left to one person so that mistakes are not made with timing or dosage.

Tilltheend99 · 15/06/2022 16:24

IFeelItInMyFingersIFeelItInMy · 15/06/2022 15:55

FWIW, male perspective here...

As far as I understand it, it's a lot more than a lot of the husbands on MN seem to do but I actually think it's far from enough. He essentially thinks that 'work + specific handful of chores is equal to what you do'.

That is clearly not how it works. As a man, I 'felt' like I did quite a lot relative to my peers - other than breast-feeding/expressing (which I obviously can't do), there wasn't anything that fell out of my remit. I was happy for my wife to wake me so I could do nappy changes and burp baby after she had fed him even if I had to wake up at 6am to go into work. I don't consider myself husband of the year and far from it - there was a lot more I could have done and I still wouldn't have considered myself equal to what my DW contributes.

There is a shocking lack of understanding/appreciation from men about mums on mat leave or just childcare in general, particularly for SAHM. I think a lot of men think that aside from the odd nappy change, bath-times and feeds, it's all Loose Women and chilling out. I realised very quickly that my wife was never getting any down time - pumping milk, planning dinner, putting baby to bed takes took so much time - and then you need to add on all the other things that keep a house running. You mention what your partner does but who is cooking the food? Putting a bunch of plates in a dishwasher is hardly time-consuming is it? You haven't even mentioned things like hoovering and laundry because you're the one doing them.

I think maybe you need to make your husband realise that whilst he works and does some specific chores, he is clearly getting some down time whereas you aren't. I don't know what your husband does for work but unlike me, my wife didn't have the luxury of catching up with friends for an hour over a hot Pret wrap or Wasabi.

This is amazing

KatherineJaneway · 15/06/2022 16:25

but he won’t feed her, give her anything to drink and doesn’t give her important medication (she has a heart condition )

Why on earth not?

Clymene · 15/06/2022 16:26

Friendship101 · 15/06/2022 16:21

He can give a bottle of the expressed breast milk. OP has said baby can’t latch to the breast so she expresses 9 times a day then presumably gives multiple bottles during the day as well as solids numerous times.

He does more than some men I agree but he isn’t doing his fair share. We shouldn’t accept low standards just because others are worse. It’s most awful that he can have baby up for hours but not feed her or give her her medication, that’s not even laziness just either incompetence or he doesn’t see the importance which is dangerous

He does more than some men. Really? There are fathers who do even less?

My 15 year old does more around the house that this waste of space.

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 16:26

He's working, you're not.

That doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of parenting when he’s home.

Babies need their MOTHER, first and foremost

Babies need their needs met first and foremost. Does it matter to the baby which parent changes the nappy?

I'm always amazed at how much childcare women seem to think their partners should do, when they're on maternity leave.

You should be more careful with your posts @Hallyup89 because your misogyny is on show here.

4thtimethecharm · 15/06/2022 16:29

Typing this, while hooked up to my breast pump in NICU. I completely get the feeding expressed breastmilk and the slog it is to find time for the expression sessions around your baby's feeding schedule. OP, you are doing brilliantly! Please don't let PPs' previous comments make you doubt your feeding strategies. For many babies, this is the only way to give them the benefits of breast milk, whilst presenting it in a form they can physically cope with.

Do have a serious chat with dad though. He is not pulling his weight. My partner happily changes nappies, and offers to take one of the night feeds.

Wimbunds · 15/06/2022 16:30

Some of these responses are completely batshit. He shouldn't be expected to give his baby vital medication or give her food or drink because he has such a big important man job?!

Tilltheend99 · 15/06/2022 16:30

@Hallyup89 its not the same though is it: working 8-4 with a break vs working 6-30 - 7.15 with no break (not all baby’s nap, sleep when the baby sleeps is bs) and 2-3 night wakings. If her partner actually had to do that for one day he would shut up pretty fast about what a great job he’s doing.

If you think all that is the woman’s job then great for you but let’s not pretend he’s pulling his weight. The actual question was about spending TIME with his child and he is actually really missing out by barely engaging at all!

SleeplessInEngland · 15/06/2022 16:31

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/06/2022 15:35

There are multiple, hundreds of threads on this subject. It's as if men have just opted out of family life or never grown up. It makes me weep with frustration. I can tell you categorically if I had my time again I'd be doing it with a sperms donor and raising my kids alone. It isn't nagging to discuss his input. He calls it that to shut you down. He doesn't want to do any more.
Sorry but I've come to despise most men. They are good for nothing.

The nature of this forum means you only hear the bad stuff. If there was a Dadsnet there'd be just as many horror stories about wives.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/06/2022 16:31

Have you talked about who has DD if you die tomorrow? Unless you have family she’s going to emergency foster care as he can’t feed or give medication to her. She’s a vulnerable baby. Would that shock him.

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 16:32

The nature of this forum means you only hear the bad stuff. If there was a Dadsnet there'd be just as many horror stories about wives.

You honestly think there’d be just as many stories about wives not pulling their weight with the housework, refusing to share the mental load at home or not equally parenting their children? You genuinely think that? Hmm

godmum56 · 15/06/2022 16:33

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2022 16:06

You need to sit down and talk things through with him. Why doesn't he do anything baby related. Is it because he is a lazy sod, or given her health condition and the amount of time she spent in hospital is he afraid to or doesn't know how to because he missed doing any of it at the start and hasn't yet learned to. Whichever issue it is will need addressing.

Yes, I did wonder if he is scared? Also and I know nothing about pumping, but if its to get into a reurn to work routine, won't you have to pump less often and store it?