To expect help with our child

[Dotty08]

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

Is it a confidence thing?

Do you just try handing her over and say "time for a nappy change", or "I'm making tea can you just put x in her pyjamas".

Have you reached the stage where you are waiting for him to take the initiative and quietly seething?

It's understandable but if you want your marriage to work, start with direct instructions and then start allocating him specific tasks.

You've all had a rough time. Try not to set it up as a battle.

And you've done brilliantly feeding to nine months but if you are going back to work, starting to introduce formula slowly will help

It can't even be that important if he finishes at 4pm tbh.

He’s at work for 8 hours (not sure if that includes commute?) and then gets home and walks dog and tidies kitchen and baths baby.
On a pure fairness level that seems like an ok split of labour to me if you’re on mat leave.
However it is weird that he avoids all care of DD, could he be afraid to look after her because of her early health issues?

Omg I just saw he doesn’t even know how to give her her important medication. Is this some sort of joke???

I’m even more outraged because my son has only been home for two weeks after spending nearly 6 weeks in NICU. He has quite a few issues and he’s finally off the NGT tube but he has to be bottle fed a certain way. There’s no way his dad can get away with not knowing how to feed him. Medication?! That’s a whole different ball game. God forbid something happens to you and you’re hospitalised, he won’t even be able to give his child medication when she’s just had bloody surgery!!

I’m so angry right now and I don’t even know you. I hate stuff like this. This seriously isn’t right

He is not doing enough. My DH works full time in a very demanding job and when our first was born he did the following: first feed of the morning so that I could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, changed nappy, got baby dressed and went on walk with baby. He would go to work for the day and I would be home with baby but as soon as DH was home he would do nappy changes, carry baby in one of those front pack things while he did his own chores (we split dishes, he loads and I unload) would feed baby bottle and help get baby ready for bed.

Now that our DC is a toddler they have roughly the same schedule. He gets up with DC and does nappy change, breakfast and they play outside before DH goes to work. I take over for the day and then for evenings we switch off who does dinner and we tend to both help with bedtime as we like doing that. DH also loads dishwasher, does his own laundry, and helps tidy the house before bed so that its clean the next day.

I do end up doing the bulk of childcare and cleaning because I am home the most but once DH is off work we see taking care of the home and DC as both of our equal responsibility.

So when he's with her (on his own) would he make himself food and drink?

What, because the baby's Dad won't give her one??

@Dotty08 I just clicked she's 9 months old. You're awesome. I pumped for 6 months but I dried up so much at the end we used up all our back supply too. I just couldn't keep up the punping necessary once we were discharged from hospital.

I did actually tell DH who (weirdly) wouldn't push the pushchair onto the bus that if I died tomorrow he'd have to still get the bus to the hospital for appts so he needed to do it. I think you need a similar conversation.

Even allowing for fear, the refusal to give his kid even a drink of water is beyond ridiculous. She clearly has a safe swallow if she's taking bottles.

Sit him down once she's in bed and tell him you need a break. Not much. A couple of hours to see your friends. In that time she needs a bottle, some toast, some water, whatever it is. Is he going to go e you that time or is he telling you your needs don't matter.

What you do fro mthere depends on his reply.

I can’t believe he won’t feed her or give her meds. It’s forcing you to get up to do it so you can’t stay in bed any longer than a minimum amount of time.

I’m a SAHM and DH has always shared nights, happily fed DD, done nappy changes, bath time, everything I can do he can do (except breastfeeding, which I quit pretty quickly). Some blokes are just pathetic really. I can’t imagine DH withholding milk or meds form DD as a manipulative way to get me to take care of her. Don’t have another one with him.

@SleepingStandingUp no I meant while he was at work. Didn't read everything properly as seemed to miss the bit he doesn't give her a drink, medication etc

It’s probably confidence.

I did everything during the week but we alternated lie ins at the weekend. He definitely needs to feed her and give hers meds to facilitate your lie in and he needs to step up more during the weekend too.

You need to make it crystal clear to him and realise yourself perhaps that this is not about 'helping' you. You are both her parents and she is both of your responsibility.

Maternity leave is not just about childcare, it's also about allowing your body to heal and recover from the enormous effort and trauma of pregnancy and childbirth.

He BADLY needs to step up and be a present and active parent; one who demonstrates initiative and responsibility, rather than a, frankly, pathetic manchild who does next to nothing and then has the fucking audacity to whine about nagging.

Phew.

He isnt helping you he is her parent if you got knocked over by a bus tommorow he would have to do this. Maybe there is some issues around her health and the fact he hasn't so far so he isnt confident but he needs to learn and fast. Your going back to work so he needs to adapt. If he is a good guy then you need to talk to him. Ask him what he thinks the plan should be now you are going back of how to split her care more equally. Dont tell him what to do you but ask him to tell you what he can do and what he thinks you should do. That should hopefully be a good starting point and then go from there.

To expect help with our child

To expect partner to parent our child.

There. Fixed the title for you

its not nagging to ask your child’s father to give them a drink or medication. He does nothing but play with her neglect her every other need. It needs to be 50/50 at the weekend and shared when he is home in the week.

This basically sums it up OP. Every dad will be slightly different in terms of the hours they work and the intensity of what they do but there doesn't seem to be any appreciation of the amount you are doing. Your husband thinks you are each contributing 50% to the childcare + household when in actual fact you're doing far more. If he had any appreciation for the amount of work you do during the day, he would actively want to do more.

I was a single parent from the jump so I did it all alone. However if I had a partner, I would expect him to do more than just play with the baby. I worked FT and still had time to take care of and play with DD and do chores, etc. He really doesn't have an excuse to take on a little more than just playing with the baby and walking the dog.

Amazing how dads can do even less than a single man would have to do. I always thought having a baby meant you had MORE to do than a single, child free person. 🤷‍♀️

I think if you are not working and he is cleaning the kitchen, walking the dog, loading dishwasher and bathing baby as well as working full time that he is doing his fair share.

^ a single man without a baby would have to do more than that. Bathing the baby is all he does as a parent. That's crap!

He seems to do a lot of other stuff.
My dad didn't do much with my sister until she was about 2, 2:5 he liked it better once she could tell him what she wanted, where she wanted to go and no nappies. X

I have just read another post , he may be frightened because she has a heart condition. X

When he says he’s always here do you say here doesn’t count when you don’t give her her medication. The parents whose babies drowned in the bath were in the house too. You’re not here and parenting which is worse than not being physically here at all.

It's not enough OP. Looking after a high needs baby is a full time job. He also has a full time job. So when he is home he should be doing half of everything ie his share.

What would happen if you went out for the day? Or were ill and incapacitated for a while (pumping issues aside). He is like a fun uncle if the only thing he does is play / bath and wont actually parent his child in any way. And you're right to worry about when you go back to work as you will be doing it all plus working and that's unsustainable.

I think you can tell him you want to plan what happens when you go back to work, does he want to do one wake at a time or take a whole night each? Take turns batch cooking for her every weekend? He might want to get some practice in with medicine and nappies now that you're around to make the transition easier etc

You could try couples counselling. See if he can explain to a third party why 'being around' is an excuse not to feed / change/ medicate your own child.

Ultimately though you will need to make it clear that the resentment (not just of your workload but on your daughters behalf on how much he has let her down) will lead to you splitting. And there is no way he will get anything other than supervised visits if he continues to neglect his child.

And that's ok is it?

I suspect my DH is older than your dad and he did everything that I did except breastfeed.

Also, good job nothing ever happened to your mum, wasn't it?