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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect help with our child

171 replies

Dotty08 · 15/06/2022 15:19

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 15/06/2022 16:55

Wait, what...? He does not ever change your baby's nappy, dress her or put her to bed? At all? That's absolutely outrageous. The night feeding thing is debatable while he's working and you're on maternity leave, but what is his excuse for not tending to his child's basic needs when he is at home?!

pedropony76 · 15/06/2022 17:02

QuidditchThroughtheAges · 15/06/2022 16:41

@pedropony76 I think some men do yes. It's disgusting

@QuidditchThroughtheAges that is so awful, I really don’t understand how they can get away with it. I wonder if it’s just pure laziness or what. So ridiculous

clpsmum · 15/06/2022 17:03

Dotty08 · 15/06/2022 15:29

Do you really think that’s a lot?

I have to exclusively pump because my child has a health condition.

I think if you are not working and he is cleaning the kitchen, walking the dog, loading dishwasher and bathing baby as well as working full time that he is doing his fair share. That's just my opinion though if you don't think he is doing enough then you need to address it with him and get him to help out more. I'm sorry your child has a health condition I am sure that makes everything ten times more stressful too. Do you have family close by to lend a hand and give you a break?

clpsmum · 15/06/2022 17:04

And just seen he won't feed her or give her a drink wtaf??

worriedatthistime · 15/06/2022 17:04

He can and should do more, I kind of get nights when he has work but he can help at weekends
He can do nappies, baths , feeding and bedtime though and should be doing these

clpsmum · 15/06/2022 17:05

@Clymene as well as bath time, cleaning the kitchen and working full time

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 17:07

I think if you are not working and he is cleaning the kitchen, walking the dog, loading dishwasher and bathing baby as well as working full time that he is doing his fair share

This is a joke, right? You honestly think that’s half of what needs to be done in an evening? The baby doesn’t need feeding after he gets home? Or putting to bed? Who is cooking? Is the op supposed to be doing all the rest of the cleaning through the day?

Some posters have pathetically low standards for equal division of labour.

worriedatthistime · 15/06/2022 17:09

I have two relatives who recently had babies and both their partners are hands on, they do nappies , dressing , some feeding as mostly breastfed so they can not fully help, take baby out , basically all things parents do

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 17:10

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 17:07

I think if you are not working and he is cleaning the kitchen, walking the dog, loading dishwasher and bathing baby as well as working full time that he is doing his fair share

This is a joke, right? You honestly think that’s half of what needs to be done in an evening? The baby doesn’t need feeding after he gets home? Or putting to bed? Who is cooking? Is the op supposed to be doing all the rest of the cleaning through the day?

Some posters have pathetically low standards for equal division of labour.

It’s also a very good thing babies stop shitting after work finishes so nobody needs to change a nappy.

Everydayimhuffling · 15/06/2022 17:10

He doesn't give her medication or food or drink?! I hope you are recording times and dates of those instances so you have evidence when you need to show that he should not have any kind of shared custody.

LondonJax · 15/06/2022 17:12

Well @Hallyup89, luckily for me my DH completely disagreed with your comments when our DS was born (with a heart condition, no medication).

Our DS would wake about 3 times a night at a minimum in his first couple of years. Feeding was little but often as his heart condition meant he used a higher number of calories just pumping the blood around his body than a healthy child. So he'd often be hungry during the night. He's still on the thin side despite eating more than my DH now (DS is 15 years old now).

DH would do a feed then I'd do a nappy check/change whilst he went back to bed, so we'd both get maximum bed time. Then we'd swap. His view was that DS was the most important thing and I needed to be alert to keep him safe every day. Not half asleep having had a bad night with doing all the feeding etc., He used to go to work on the train so had an hour of dozing to catch up in both directions. I couldn't take my eye off the ball for very long during the day. I was a SAHM so didn't go to work until DS was at secondary school - so maternity leave never came into it.

Friday and Saturday nights I'd get the whole night in the spare room whilst DH covered everything. I'd had a C-section and contracted an infection whilst we sat by our baby's bedside watching him fight for his life so DH wanted to make sure I stayed well.

He used to do the bath routine - I think I gave DS half a dozen baths in the first three years of his life! DH loved it as it gave him and DS time to have a giggle and splash about a bit. I'd start our dinner whilst he did that and we'd cover a bedtime story between us.

When DS got to about three years old DH travelled for work so would get airmiles. I'd cover everything then as he was away. But the routines were established, DS was thriving and he was in pre-school a couple of days a week so everything was easier.

DH would give the airmiles to me every 6 months or so and I'd have a couple of nights in a London hotel to see friends, see a show, mooch around shops etc. He was travelling to the area of the UK that he comes from so he'd see family and friends then so he didn't miss out. When I went into London DH and DS would go off to the cinema, swimming, visit a farm or whatever and stuff their faces with pizza in the evening!

They've got a great relationship - normal teenage angst a lot of the time but DS would do anything for his dad which is lovely to see. And DS finds it odd that some of his friends dads don't seem to have done much child care for their kids in the early years. Whenever he's mentioned swimming with his dad or going off to the cinema, just the two of them, some friends have said their dad's never done it. Which is a shame as having kids is a privilege (hard work but a privilege) and caring for them is precious.

WallaceinAnderland · 15/06/2022 17:14

Dotty08 · 15/06/2022 15:19

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

That's not good enough OP and you know it.

Honestly, I would be telling him to step up or be single. Fathers do not get to opt out of childcare and if he had her every other weekend he'd have to do it anyway.

LondonJax · 15/06/2022 17:15

@clpsmum 'I'm sorry your child has a health condition I am sure that makes everything ten times more stressful too. Do you have family close by to lend a hand and give you a break?'

Yes, the OP does. It's called a husband...but hers seems to be broken at the moment and needs a swift kick up the backside to get it working again...

GlitteryGreen · 15/06/2022 17:25

I think if you are not working and he is cleaning the kitchen, walking the dog, loading dishwasher and bathing baby as well as working full time that he is doing his fair share.

But this is what I don't get about maternity leave, it's not like OP is sitting around chilling? She's not 'not working', if anything looking after a 9 month old is more draining and constant work than many jobs.

If OP wasn't working and her child was in nursery then I'd complete agree, but people at home with babies who are on the move, as she probably is by 9 months, don't get a lot of time to do much else until their partner gets home.

If the point of maternity leave is to recover from birth and look after the baby, which it is, then by this logic OP would be within her rights to not do anything around the house, since her job is just to look after the baby for this year.

clpsmum · 15/06/2022 17:29

@GlitteryGreen true. I think I've forgotten how hard babies are especially at the just mobile phase

AtseneGatnalp · 15/06/2022 17:30

Unpopular view on here, but I was a SAHM and did absolutely everything with the children, and my husband went to work and did lawn mowing, bins, DIY and any shit jobs that I didn't want to do (i.e. man jobs). It worked very well, and I didn't resent him not doing more with the children for a single second, as I didn't want to go to work so it was a very good deal for me.

If I'd been planning to return to work, though, we'd have had to come up with a new routine. God, I'd have hated handing the children over to him, though.

All that said, there is no excuse at all for your husband not to give your DD her medication, and I would certainly be saying something about that. I'd not complain about anything else, though.

I admire your tenacity with expressing, too.

feistymumma · 15/06/2022 17:38

I am literally speechless that he even fails to give his child important medication. You are better off on your own OP, your DH is a disgrace. Who does he expect to look after his child? Honestly please don't put up with this any longer. My DP is beyond hands on and cleans baby's nappies, vacuums the house, cooks etc. I made it clear when we met that I was not the type to run around after any man. I feel really bad for you having to put up with that.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 15/06/2022 17:38

The only way he will ever understand what needs doing and how unfair he is being is if you hand baby over, walk out the door, and leave him to it for a couple of days. Whether you are able to do this I don't know, but he will figure it out, and he will understand after that.

ChocolateHippo · 15/06/2022 17:39

PurpleDaisies · 15/06/2022 16:20

Honestly, it might be extreme, but I'd be tempted to tell him that if he neglects his child when he's meant to be caring for her, you'll report him to the police and to SS for child neglect.

As if the op is actually going to do that. A ridicule and unhelpful thing to suggest.

Why?

If the OP parented like this too, SS would be involved.

At some point, he's going to have to look after his child on his own and if he refuses to meet her needs, that's a criminal offence - child neglect.

fyn · 15/06/2022 17:44

I exclusively expressed, unless you’ve done it you don’t know how tough it is! Nine times a day seems like a lot though, how long are you pumping for each time and do you have a hospital grade pump?

There is an excellent Facebook page called Exclusively Pumping UK Mums that is a great resource.

PaintingClocks · 15/06/2022 17:49

Why on Earth doesn’t he feed her or give her medicine?

Dixiechickonhols · 15/06/2022 17:50

Op can’t leave baby with him though knowing he can’t feed her or give her medicine. It’s hot and baby has medical condition - baby will soon be in hospital with dehydration.
Maybe he would manage to feed her a bottle but he’s not done it so far.
Yes he’d be charged with child neglect but Op can’t deliberately leave baby with him knowing he won’t care for her. She’s tried small stints at home whilst she is upstairs and he doesn’t feed or change her.

babyjellyfish · 15/06/2022 17:52

OP, I think you know this isn't OK.

First of all, the pumping. Is your child eating solids? Because that's an awful lot of milk for a 9 month old and you simply won't be able to maintain that once you go back to work. She needs to be eating proper food. My son was having a large lunch, an afternoon snack and a light dinner, plus four milk feeds a day at 9 months. At 10 months we cut down to 3 milk feeds a day and at 11 months we swapped out the afternoon milk feed for cow's milk so I could stop pumping. He's now 14 months and still breastfeeds morning and evening.

Second, your husband. He needs to step up. It is completely unacceptable for him to not feed his own child, give her her medication, change her nappy etc. This is basic care. He needs to be a lot more involved. How are you going to cope when you go back to work? Once you're back at work the two of you should be sharing childcare and housework roughly 50:50.

He needs to understand that he is failing his family.

MzHz · 15/06/2022 17:59

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 15/06/2022 15:20

Did you speak to him about it?

I voted yabu because you tell him to share the care and do some of the changes etc or quit moaning

”the baby needs changing dp, be a dad love and change your daughter’s nappy”

MzHz · 15/06/2022 18:01

Why is he not even offering her a drink? That’s fucking neglect! And the medication - ffs, read him the riot act and tell him to step up or fuck off… then he’ll HAVE to care for her EOW…

He’s a dick. Stop allowing this