To expect help with our child

[Dotty08]

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

I’m a bit old fashioned and think that if you’re on mat leave you see to the baby during the night, but he needs to pull his weight when he’s not at work-how on earth did it get to the stage where you’re al,ost going back to work amd he’s doing fuck all?

Oh I am a breastfeeding mum of a prem baby and absolutely hate the "switch to formula" comments any time someone expresses a struggle, even if that's isn't the issue.

The issue is your partner isn't doing what you need. Tell him, it isn't that he's not doing enough. His energy is focused on what he wants to do, not what help you actually need.

How about you walk the dog whilst he feeds the baby your expressed milk at bedtime a couple of nights a week. You do the dishwasher when you get up after he's had the baby for the final couple of hours of the night and done the morning nappy change etc.

I'm still on maternity leave and my husband does some of the night almost every night with our baby as she doesn't sleep well at all. And breastfeeding until two is so beneficial I have no plans to wean her.

You are doing fab with the expressing and understandable that you want to continue as long as possible, it will at least lessen as baby gets older and is eating more solids. I don’t know how you can get your DH to step up more, it infuriates me so much the amount of useless fathers around.

FWIW, male perspective here...

As far as I understand it, it's a lot more than a lot of the husbands on MN seem to do but I actually think it's far from enough. He essentially thinks that 'work + specific handful of chores is equal to what you do'.

That is clearly not how it works. As a man, I 'felt' like I did quite a lot relative to my peers - other than breast-feeding/expressing (which I obviously can't do), there wasn't anything that fell out of my remit. I was happy for my wife to wake me so I could do nappy changes and burp baby after she had fed him even if I had to wake up at 6am to go into work. I don't consider myself husband of the year and far from it - there was a lot more I could have done and I still wouldn't have considered myself equal to what my DW contributes.

There is a shocking lack of understanding/appreciation from men about mums on mat leave or just childcare in general, particularly for SAHM. I think a lot of men think that aside from the odd nappy change, bath-times and feeds, it's all Loose Women and chilling out. I realised very quickly that my wife was never getting any down time - pumping milk, planning dinner, putting baby to bed takes took so much time - and then you need to add on all the other things that keep a house running. You mention what your partner does but who is cooking the food? Putting a bunch of plates in a dishwasher is hardly time-consuming is it? You haven't even mentioned things like hoovering and laundry because you're the one doing them.

I think maybe you need to make your husband realise that whilst he works and does some specific chores, he is clearly getting some down time whereas you aren't. I don't know what your husband does for work but unlike me, my wife didn't have the luxury of catching up with friends for an hour over a hot Pret wrap or Wasabi.

Should add that I've accidentally posted under DW's account!

It's not 'help' though, is it? It's doing his fair share of the parenting and other chores.

Hiya OP, I think I would need to know more about what happens at weekends and other household tasks. I think the best way to frame it is around you having equitable leisure and rest time. That doesn't necessarily mean you do the same thing but it works out to feel equal. So during the week if he works and you look after DC during the main part of the day and then say you cook, he washes up, he does bath, you do bed and you both get to sit down by say 8pm -that feels equal. But on a weekend you should be getting just as much chance to sleep, have time to yourself, do hobbies etc as he does. It must be hard pumping so much as he can't do that, so I can see you will carry more burden there, but he should find ways to equal it out. I can't imagine how he would never do a nappy or feed her because you should be getting opportunities to have periods of time doing your own thing! I assume that isn't happening or someone else is looking after her?

Are you working at the moment? If you are still on mat leave well why would he be getting up in the night to feed? The entire point of mat leave is so you can look after your baby. If you are back at work we'll it should be more 50/50 once you finish work. Weekends should be more 50/50 too. If he's working and you are on mat leave though you should be doing more than him in the working week with the baby and around the house.

If he is unwilling to feed or give the baby medication then you will never get a break, ever. Also it means if you are ever incapacitated for any reason then he will be unable to look after the baby. If he says you are nagging him, maybe you try responding, yes I am, because this is really important!

My respect for men as a group going down another notch. Sigh.

OK, so you've got no choice but to pump 9 times a day because it's the only way your baby can feed, that's not something you have any real control over, but this CAN (and needs to) change when she's 1 yr old and you can introduce cows milk, because you're not going to be able to keep up with that volume of pumping when you're back at work.

You need to sit your H down and tell him that as you're going to return to work soon, he MUST now do feeding/ bathing/ changing/ medicating of baby as well as HIS 50% of housework/ life admin etc too !

It's absolutely ridiculous that he won't feed her or change her or even give her lifesaving drugs ffs ! He HAS TO be able to take care of his own child !

What if you are ill ? Or in hospital ? Or died ffs ?

He can either step up and be an actual adult, who takes responsibility for HIS 50% of childcare and all the actual work that goes into running a home, or he might as well piss off and be the Disney Dad alone during 'his' weekends with DD, while you get some actual respite !

(Tell him that HIS idea of 'nagging' is simply you telling him he's actually a crap Dad is TRUE, because he IS !!!!)

Fucking hell, the man doesn’t feed, dress or change his baby but let’s all harp on at OP’s expressing shall we?

He’s not doing nearly enough, no. In fact I’d write down everything you do in one column – the baby stuff like nappies and her meals, but also I’m guessing cleaning, meal planning, food shop, cooking, car? garden? whatever else? – then in his column he’s got the dishwasher and tidying the kitchen. Your column will look a lot longer.

What’s the plan when you go back to work: who’s doing the drop-offs to childcare, who’s taking time off when she’s poorly, are you still doing all the cooking and night wakings and baby medication? Show it to him in black and white.

I don't think it's right to question how OP feeds her baby. She could have been extremely prem, so less physically mature, all sorts of things. Maybe OP doesn't find expressing easy.

She's said formula leads to excess wind and broken nights. She's the expert, not us!

Meanwhile baby's dad is working shortish days, emptying the dishwasher and bathing his daughter. No night feeds, no medication, no bottles, no nappies...

And when OP goes back to work, will he suddenly parent his daughter?

OP, make a deal with him.
Swap jobs alternate evenings. So if he does the dishwasher and bath one night, that's all you do the next (bar pumping). That's what equal parenting looks like.

You need to sit down and talk things through with him. Why doesn't he do anything baby related. Is it because he is a lazy sod, or given her health condition and the amount of time she spent in hospital is he afraid to or doesn't know how to because he missed doing any of it at the start and hasn't yet learned to. Whichever issue it is will need addressing.

Op, you don’t mention what health conditions your baby has, and neither do you need to, but speaking as someone who has also recently had a clinically vulnerable baby with a health condition (no heart issues thankfully) I truly understand why you are expressing this much. The comments about bottle feeding or how often you are having to express are not helpful in this situation. You’re doing amazingly by your baby, that’s all that is relevant here!
Your husband is not doing enough, but you already know this. He needs to do his fair share of parenting, housework, & also look after you, expressing to feed and look after a baby around the clock without a break is not sustainable. Also agree with everything a father has mentioned unthread.

OP my heart completely goes out to you! Our DS is older now but was born with a ASD, a VSD and pulmonary hypertension. He had Open Heart surgery at 3 months and came close to needing a lung transplant. My DH and I were self employed when he was born, we both had to stop working to care for him and basically lived off savings and family hand outs until DS received DLA when he was 5 months old.

I honestly don't know how you have done all the caring on your own with your DH at work, let alone all the general parenting you have to do too. I had to stop BFing when DS was 5 days old as he was incubated and NG tube fed from then on and my supply didn't come through without being able to have physical contact with him. I can't imagine how difficult it has all been for you. All the meds, care needs, NG feeding, night wakings, hospital stays (which are more exhausting than being at home with baby in my experience) and all house work and not having the support of your DH.

My DH shared all responsibilities equally with me and we were both still exhausted 24/7.

Has your DH ever seen what a full day of yours looks like or does he take himself off when you're seeing to baby? If so, I would literally force him to watch you do everything. Or, list everything you do and show him. You could write yourself a daily timetable, give it to him and remind him that you never get a 'day off' like he does, because he refuses to pull his weight as a parent.

If you are looking for a sense check then, baby aside, he's hardly doing anything like enough housework. Include parenting activities and he's not a parent and he is doing next to nothing. He shouldn't be helping, he should be parenting. He shouldn't help with housework, he should do his share. His response is presumably intended to shut down a discussion. Good luck in sorting things before your mat leave ends. IME decent working DPs do more housework during mat leave to support the primary carer and to free time for when a baby needs more support. I think that would involve cooking and washing up, cleaning, shopping, laundry... and stepping up parenting in the evenings and weekends.

What would happen if you weren’t there? Would he neglect her leaving her hungry sat in poo for hours or ring his mum etc.
i went to hospital when dd was 9 months for a routine day procedure nearly died and didn’t come home for weeks. What would he do.
I think you need to talk to him and explain he needs to do some baby are. I suspect it’s linked to your dd being ill is he worried he’ll hurt her and fact you have done until now. Are you very anxious or critical due to DD’s health.
Maybe leaving him to it and building up will build his confidence eg you go to gym or out for afternoon.

Nine months of exclusive pumping is AMAZING, OP. I did three months with DD before she could latch and it was bloody hard work, so to make it to nine months is incredible. Well done, you.

He does not do 'a lot'. Does he actually do anything extra that he didn't do before the baby arrived? You see this a lot on here - a baby arrives and either the man's life barely changes or it actually gets easier because the woman is at home to do all the chores that would ordinarily have been split. It sounds like he does the odd bit of chores that you would expect to do anyway, baby or not, and that's about it.

I've put YABU just because these 'useless men moan' topics are just coming up too often. Demand that he does something. Tell him to change a nappy, go out for an afternoon at the weekend to get yourself some back to work clothes and leave child with him. Say 'Can you get her dressed today please, I'm going to XX'. Don't just stew and get resentful. If he outright refuses, then yes, he's a dick and you need to reassess if you want to be with him. And start formula feeding. Lots of babies with heart problems are formula fed and they manage.

Whilst I wholeheartedly disagree with you, even if OP should looking after the baby, her partner isn't anywhere close to doing even 10% of the household chores.

He doesn’t feed, change, dress

He can't breast feed.

How does he bath the baby without changing a dirty nappy and dressing the clean dry baby after?

I couldn't be with someone who would willingly put my child in danger. I've had a poorly baby, and we got through it by pulling together, buy by him not being arsed to look after his own child.

Do you think your husband lacks confidence in handling your baby, as he is used to thinking of her as quite fragile? You might need to do a dress rehearsal week with him, just so you both know that he is up to doing his share.

Well done for continuing to express. You are doing one in the middle of the night too?

I agree that he seems to quite a bit after work. He comes home, change and shower, might have have 1/2h to watch the news, then you eat together, he cleans, he then bath baby and then go.out to walk the dog. What do you both do once baby is in bed?

Weekends seem to be the issue but is he really doing nothing? What about the shopping? DIY? gardening? Does he do nothing of this at all?

Ultimately, it comes down to: does he spend all weekend sleeping, gaming, watching TV, playing in his phone? If so, of course it's not acceptable. Otherwise, doesn't he do chores too?

The baby is bottle fed with expressed milk, which is something either parent can do.