To expect help with our child

[Dotty08]

Ok so partner goes to work 8-4, walks the dog in the evening mostly (I do it sometimes), tidies the kitchen , loads the dishwasher and baths baby.
everything else I do. Including looking after our 9 month old baby. Expressing breast milk 9 times a day.
he’s NEVER done a night wake up with the baby. He plays with the baby but that’s it. He doesn’t feed, change, dress, anything else.
he loves our dd it’s plain to see he’s lovely with her and makes her laugh but that’s it.
it’s left me feeling really resentful and every time I say anything he turns it on me saying I’m nagging and picking at him nothing he does is good enough. AIBU to expect more?

He seems to do a lot of other stuff.

From what the op has said, there’s no way he’s doing half of the stuff that needs doing when he’s home. No way.

Well that's OK then, as long as Daddy did the bits he liked. Good job your Mom adored stinky nappies and sleepless nights eh. Imagine is no one liked nappies so no one ever had to change one.

Indeed 🙄!

I find it very strange that people think it's ok for some fathers to pick the parts of baby/childcare and chores they like the best and ignore the rest.

What would happen if their partners did the same? You'd have a lot of hungry, dirty neglected babies.

"He seems to do a lot of other stuff.
My dad didn't do much with my sister until she was about 2, 2:5 he liked it better once she could tell him what she wanted, where she wanted to go and no nappies. X"

Ds is 16 and has never got to that stage. Would your dad have opted out of ever behaving like a parent if this was the situation.

@Dotty08

I totally agree that your husband needs to be doing more.

However at 9 months old I’d really be considering switching to formula as so much pumping must be really constricting and quality of life affecting for you?

You haven't mentioned if you work.

If you have no paid job I'd say it's reasonable for him to have more of a rest from work and you do the bulk of the house stuff.

If you do have a paid job then it should be a lot more equal depending on the hours you do.

The way we work it is he works 70 hours a week and I work adhoc and bring in considerably less than him. So I do literally every piece of housework and I'm okay with that because we share labour equally, it's just not the same labour.

It is a lot for you, pumping is hard. I did it myself but that was because I did not get a latch until 4 months of age. When I did I was over the moon because I was able to provide breastmilk then for over four years.

Having a health condition is all the more reason to need the immunity and gut health that comes with breastfeeding, also the comfort and calmness it can offer the baby and you. Say three year old becomes sick; breastmilk will provide specific immunity. Say three year old gets hurt; breastmilk offers comfort for faster quelling of upset. Say three year old can't sleep; feeding to sleep is easy, quick, and ends the battle that sleep can be in the first few years.

Can you not get a latch? There are a few techniques that can really help like water rebirthing.

When does the OP get a break?

OP, if your partner works 8-4, why don't you both knock off at 4 and put the baby in a draw or something until 8 the next morning so you're both working the same hours?

Oh wait, parenting doesn't have an 8 hour working day, does it 🙄?! That's why parents don't get a 'rest from work' when they come home.

The way we work it is he works 70 hours a week and I work adhoc and bring in considerably less than him. So I do literally every piece of housework and I'm okay with that because we share labour equally, it's just not the same labour.

It’s good that that works for you but it would leave me utterly miserable. I’m currently working very part time and I do more housework than dh. We still split things that get done on evenings and weekends, like cooking, some cleaning, meal planning, life admin etc. That’s much fairer.

Its unbelievable that there are people defending the op’s husband never feeding the baby or changing any nappies because he’s the main breadwinner.

I wonder what they will do when the OP goes back to work?

Presumably the OP will then be entitled to come in from work and clock off, like her partner, doing minimal housework and just having a nice play with the baby every now and again while someone else deals with her actual care.

So who is going to be looking after the baby? Doing night wakings? Cooking, cleaning, taking out bins etc.?

Maybe there is a hidden house fairy who will do these things when the OP is back at work. Because working apparently means you get a free pass from doing them.

So because he's paid money he deserves a rest but because she's doing all the free labour then it's totally fine for her to get no rest, no solid sleep because all she's doing is keeping a medically vulnerable child alive.

This attitude really grinds my gears. Why is it that if a Dad is in employment it is expected that the Mum do most of the housework/childcare/life admin? The Mum isn’t at home having a break whilst the Dad works, she is caring for a child, she then continues to do so once Dad is home and on top of that is expected to do the majority of the household chores. Where in that day is the mother supposed to get a break? Why is the Dad more entitled to a break than the Mum?! It’s inequality and sexism at play here, there’s no other explanation.

I can’t comprehend how people can defend this man and for those that say their family works like this, I genuinely pity you! Both mother and father are parents, just because the father works a paid job doesn’t mean he gets to opt out of looking after his child when he is at home.
How do you all think so little of yourselves!? Why do you accept being treated this way? It absolutely blows my mind.

He is doing chores but not helping take care of the actual baby. This isn't OK. You need to have a sit down chat, stay calm but set out your expectations. I have a 9 month old as well as two other children. I do bath and bedtime with our older children whilst my dh sorts out the baby. That means feeding her dinner, giving her a bath, giving her a bottle and putting her to bed. At the very least he should be doing this. Are you keeping on top of vitamins, resting when you can and eating well? You need to take care if yourself too, pumping takes a lot of effort, time and energy. I don't want to excuse his behaviour but is there a chance he could be scared of how to take care of her because she's had such a difficult start to life? Only you know what he was like pre your dd but resentment will build if it carries on like this.

It's especially annoying because paid jobs hardly ever mean that mothers get to opt out of caring for their children. Instead, they come home from work, play with their children, cook dinner, do bed and bath, catch up on chores...and only then do they maybe get a rest.

This is how inequality starts in maternity leave - when men don't share these tasks 50/50. Do people really think that men who have been taking it easy at their partner's expense while she's on maternity leave suddenly start to pull their weight when she goes back to work? When they've firmly established that the baby isn't 'their' problem?

What the actual fuck?!

He refuses to give his baby water or her medication ?!!
This is neglect!

Its not very often I’m speechless but fucking hell OP!

Apparently, it's fine for a father to do this though according to a lot of pp...I presume because they don't think fathers are 'real' parents .

fuck that. You both have jobs to do in the day . You keep the house and the baby. why does he get the sleep and you don’t?

Divorce this man
And start bottle feeding baby

Did you read her reasons?

I want to breast feed because my baby has a heart condition and it’s the best for her. But because of long stints in nicu and picu after open heart surgery she’s not able to latch so yeah I express and then bottle feed. I have tried to add formula in and it just leads to sleepless nights with horrendous wind.

This, for those that missed the OP's posts, is why she wants to express.

I don't think it's for anyone else to tell her to stop. But it is a very good reason for her useless H to step up.